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LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 2: The Sparkle Has Left Your Eyes! Now with 70% less sparkle! (Yuh huh! Yuh huh!)

Again, allow me to set the tone right off the bat:

When we last left our heroick, she was falling and stumbling and obsessing over a boy.... That's exactly where we find her again.Collapse )


( 257 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jan. 27th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC)
Bella's an idiot, I'd take the Native American werewolf boy in a heartbeat. Nice guy, and can become a hairy man-beast every month/whenever he wants? And you know he'd have a hard body from all the running through the woods and shit. Oh yeah~~

Buh-Bye, Sparkles.

And, thank you so much, stoney321, for doing these. I lol heartily at each new page, nay, paragraph!
Jan. 27th, 2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
You are more than welcome! Glad to know you laughed and enjoyed.
Feb. 7th, 2009 03:56 pm (UTC)
I am late and just discovered these posts, but I fucking love them.

The Uncas and Magua choices to represent are just so fucking hilarious I cried real tears from the laughter. Bwuahahahahaha!

Feb. 8th, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHA to your AbFab icon, heeeeee!

I'm happy to know you liked this, yay!
Feb. 14th, 2009 07:32 am (UTC)
Okay, Mola Ram made me just about pee myself. My daughter came down to see what I was laughing at so hard and I had to show her, too, so now she's reading along with me. You, my friend, are hysterical, and I'm off to part three.
Feb. 19th, 2009 06:30 am (UTC)
oh god. this is getting better after each part I read. ONTO PART THREEE

-giggling with excitement-
Feb. 26th, 2009 03:15 am (UTC)
Man, I now know more about Mormons than I ever would from reading a book (Twilight, for instance). I can't believe I didn't know all this stuff - this shit is CRAZY! But then, I did know that Mormons are a bunch of closet-racists... And I suppose that should count for something :D

Where in ancient folkelore does it say that vampires and werewolves are natural enemies? I think that's just something that's been cooked up recently in order to have a plot (and I mean that in a very relative sense of the word) for idiotic Kate Beckinsale-flicks :P

Again, great job :D The offer to marry me is still open - but only if you agree to not diss The Moz. He's a LEDGE.
Mar. 9th, 2009 02:50 am (UTC)
Random observation to follow.

Maybe it's because they're still back on the east coast, but the local Mormons I know aren't this, well, crazy. I mean, sure, they still think that families are the living, breathing form of perfection, but they don't act as if that's the beginning and the end of all things. And they certainly don't convince their daughters to marry and breed as quickly as possible; they, in fact, encourage them to go to college and get a good education. And that even if they do marry while in college, they should still continue to go and graduate. And that a woman holding a job, even as she raises the children, is just fine.

ETA: The whole 'white in Heaven' thing, though, yeah, they're guilty of that in spades. It's one of the things they manage to really piss me off about around here. For all the 'freeing' they are about women, they're doubly as worse when it comes to race and ethnicity. :/

It cracks me up how the missionary boys (which sounds so dirty) have groupies. The girls act like they're the hottest rockstars on the planet. And the Catholic jokes. Good grief. -_-

Anyhow, I'm loving this commentary even if it does, simultaneously, make me want to cringe. That's not you, though, just the source material. *shudder* I know very smart people that have read this drivel and liked it (and not for the lulz, either) and it just makes me want to cry. Some of them are aware of the faults, but still act as it's the most beautiful love story. Um, NO.

Still, these are both very informing and hilarious, and I thank you for that. Apparently some good can come from these books. Who knew?

Edited at 2009-03-09 02:53 am (UTC)
Mar. 17th, 2009 09:25 pm (UTC)
Again a great snarky summery of the book, I made sure to not read this one during class.
Mar. 31st, 2009 12:07 pm (UTC)
You got the Princess Bride in there! *bows in awe*

You have made my day. Opticians appointments and looming coursework deadlines can go to heck, I am rereading this!
Apr. 14th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)
Again, another masterpiece.

When I saw those 10 pages for the first time, I was deeply thrown off. I cannot imagine a girl being this shut down over a 108 year old asshole who has bathed in body glitter.
Apr. 29th, 2009 10:25 am (UTC)
Hello, you are awesome! *laughs and laughs some more*
May. 11th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)
Bless you for writing this! You are AWESOME!

Uber devout Mormons(and most other religious types) and Twilight confuse/creep the hell outta me/entertain me equally. Your reviews kept me away from tidying and saved me the trouble of having to actually read the books. I've read a few summaries but none so completely hilarious as yours :D Huzzah!
May. 20th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
it took me doing a double take in order to see the hole constantly in bella's chest. I lol'd. also, dog!billy in the wheelchair-thing in the motorcycle picture was EPIC LULZ. I love these.

and for some reason the clip isn't working for me :( what's it supposed to be? (or, link plz?)
Jun. 5th, 2009 07:23 pm (UTC)
I'm shaking, I'm laughing so hard.

Sad part is all of this is true.
Jun. 15th, 2009 10:35 am (UTC)
I will be the first to admit that I hate Smeyer's books with a fiery passion, but what irks me the most is this awful and misconstrued message about Mormons her books tend to give, which is why I'm grateful for comments by people like crazyace86. Honestly, most of the rumors floating around about Mormons are outdated or exaggerated, so it frustrates me that these Twilight books are giving people another playground to put down the religion. Another slight problem: shouldn't we make educated judgments rather than rely solely on things like rumors or (even worse) Twilight for our information? Just throwing that out there.

Anyway, I'm at least glad I know of another person who thinks Twilight is rather unsavory. I'm quite tired of hearing my friends gush over these two-dimensional characters.
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Dec. 15th, 2009 12:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 30th, 2009 06:58 am (UTC)
You are AMAZING! this was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. thank you for the wes studi references!
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( 257 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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