Book Three: A Total Eclipse of the Spaaaaaaaaaaaarkle (Turn around Bright Eyes!)
Wait, wait, hang on. I have to finish singing the Dan Band version of this in my head. *mumbles musically* "...When I see that f*ckin look in your eyes...." Okay, I have Will Ferrell slow dancing, and.... done.
Back to Twinklecrest. "I'm not a superhero, I'm a Latter-Day Saint!" (If you know what movie that's from, you have my undying love.)
Let me get them all out:
I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothing, but I think you've got a hot ass!
I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothing, but I think unicorns are pretty kick ass!
I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothing, but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.
"Where have you been, under a rock?"
"No, I'm from Utah."
"We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!"
"Take that Book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigfuckers. "
There, it's all out. [ETA] It wasn't clear the first go-round that the preceding quotes are from a MOVIE, and not from ME. The movie is "Orgazmo" and it's awesome. I'm not calling you folks that are LDS "pigfuckers." Unless you copulate with pigs, in which case you ARE pig fuckers, but in a literal sense, not metaphoric. (Can you make love to a pig, or is it always fucking? I ask because I yearn for knowledge.)
Okay, so there are some things I failed to mention for those of you that will NOT be reading the books, but it's because it really, really doesn't matter beyond this: these are some of the worst books filled with utterly lazy writing and unoriginal ideas that I may have ever come across. I failed to mention that Jacob, the shape-shifting Lamanite, is in love with Bella, who is, of course, obsessed and "in love" with Joseph Smith. I mean, Edward. And he's so mad at her, you guys, because she is going to convert to
*please note that I am not mocking Native American Indians, which is a part of my heritage, as well. I'm mocking Smeyers complete inability to flesh out/create characters.
And lest we forget that white = right in Smeyer's world, this is Bella seeing Edward for the first time that day, or what the fuck ever. She NEVER is NOT shocked at his beauty and perfection. *head desk*
"Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face, and I was sure that I would never take any aspect of him for granted. My eyes traced over his pale white features..."
“Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love
you?” He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin.
I pressed my lips against his snow-cold neck. “I know how much I love you ,” I answered.
“You compare one small tree to the entire forest.”
So, in actual plot news, turns out there is a slew of murders happening in close-by Seattle, and Edward and the Cullens figure that its a vampire creating a bunch of "newborns" to raise an army. IN COMPLETELY UNRELATED PLOT FINDINGS, Alice has a vision of Victoria. Those two items can in no way be related, so don't even imagine it. They certainly don't.
Meanwhile, Bella feels bad for stringing Jacob along, even though she hasn't, but SMeyers needs tension/conflict and Hot Topic needs to sell shirts. So she leaves one night to go to the Reservation and chill with Jacob, further making him think he has a chance
From "Dumb and Dumber:"
"What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?"
"Well, that's pretty difficult to say."
"Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?"
"You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?"
"I'd say more like one out of a million."
"So... you're telling me there's a chance!"
-which he doesn't, but again, Smeyers needs to a) show Edward and Bella's devotion/obsession to each other and b) get some damn conflict in there so you'll stick with it some more.
But, HAHA, oh, that Edward. Guess who's sitting in her truck after IMMOBILIZING IT? If you guessed Edward, then give yourself a gold star. (He can't let her go to those unclean Lamanites, they might sully her sweet disposition and special, choice spirit!)
Edward is ALWAYS watching her, and that is loving and kind, not creepy as fuck.
My eyes were just beginning to adjust as I shoved my keys in the ignition. I twisted them hard to the left,
but instead of roaring deafeningly to life, the engine just clicked. I tried it again with the same results.
And then a small motion in my peripheral vision made me jump.
“Gah!” I gasped in shock when I saw that I was not alone in the cab.
Edward sat very still, a faint bright spot in the darkness, only his hands moving as he turned a mysterious
black object around and around. He stared at the object as he spoke
IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU THEN NO ONE WILL. Okay, he doesn't actually say that last capslock bit, but that's pretty much how he feels. Also, isn't this how Jeffrey Dahmer lured one or two of his victims? WISE UP, BELLA. Stalking =/= True Love.
Remember that the fandom's motto is: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding.
School's coming to an end, which means the Cullens will turn Bella, even though Edward doesn't want that for her, Bella has NO EXPECTATIONS for college and actually gets pissed when people bring it up to her, and we're half-way through the almost 400 pages of the book. Bella's future: being with a boy because college is ridiculous. <-- ANOTHER EXCELLENT MORAL for the girls, btw.
Edward (who is still sneaking every night into Bella's room to hold her and stare lovingly at her sleeping face and eye crust, quite possibly she has a muscus flap in her nostril that makes a nasal wheeen noise, and wouldn't that be awesome?) and Bella go past LDS second base (closed-mouth kissing) and start to round to third (possibly laying on each other and aligning - through clothing - their genitals, aka dry humping - they never actually do, however)
(picture courtesy of ontd_twatlight's gnarlyfucks.)
- when Edward freaks out and says NO. No means No, Bella! If we are going to progress in our love, we must do it within the confines of marriage! And then I will turn you.
Of course. He's so chivalrous! *chin on fists, dreaming of my own Edward*
And Bella confronts this condition to becoming a vampire as the most horrible thing ever. Marriage?!?! The horror! How dare you offend my sensibilities! (Side note: I think this is Smeyers way of lashing out in a safe venue her own frustrations at getting married early and spitting out kids right away. She could never vocalize that, so this is how she's working through her own issues at being a stay at home mom with whining sprogs and a husband that expects dinner on the table and no romance. more on the sprogs in book 4)
So she's like, totally pissed that Edward is making her GET MARRIED to him before committing to him for ever, like, tchuh. How dare he. So she says okay. But she's not happy about it! But she totes wants to be a couple so she and Edward can join the other awesome Cullen couples and make a band.
(And Jacob sings: If you change your mind, I'm the first in line! Honey I'm still free! Take a chance on me! [werewolf buddies chanting "take a chance take a chance take-a-take-a cha-chance")
*Note. Jacob does not intend to die. He just likes being a dick and making her think he wants to die so she'll go out with him. AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, SMeyers forgets that Jacob served as a good influence, good guy for Bella in book 2, and decides to turn him into a complete douchebag in book 3.
Jacob decides to force himself on Bella (in a kiss, remember: these are PG) and instead of fighting him off, because he's so, like, huge and strong and stuff, Bella decides to go immobile and TAKE IT. AND!! AND!!!!!
To make things WORSE, after she slugs him - and of course, breaks her hand because she's so delicate and female - she tells her dad (who notices she has a broken hand) that she punched Jacob because he forced himself on her and
GOSH THESE ARE GREAT BOYS. And Edward knows that Jacob won't really try and die in an epic battle, but because he's a good and holy boy with Upstanding Morals, he lets Bella choose who she wants, even though it's killing him *sniff*. And OF COURSE she chooses Edward, BUT. But!!! She agrees to kiss Jacob again. And...
discovers that she loves him, too!!
I'm not gonna lie: I threw my book down in disgust at this forced plot point/conflict. So redonk. So now she's all tortured worrying about the TWO men she loves, even though we're told over and over that her love for Edward is eternal, she just loves Jacob like her best friend, but maybe more? She doesn't know because she's an idiot. And so are all the people that got sucked in and freaking WORRIED about who she would end up with. HEAD: meet desk.
So while all of this dramarama is going on, we still have newborns being created up in Seattle, Jasper turns down the eye-lights and fills them all in on how that's done - something that goes on for pages and pages - and here's the thing. If Smeyers had just written about everyone in the Cullen family's history, how they were turned, etc., that could have been interesting. But no, we get the lamest romance of all time. ANYHOODLE.
All of that is going on PLUS tensions rising between the Lamanites and Nephites, er, Quileutes and Cullenseses. You'd think you'd be biting your nails from all this tension, except for how every other page has Bella remarking on Edward's sheer fucking perfection and beauty and how Jacob is hotblooded (check it and see! He's got a fever of 108! Wait...) and you just want to start flicking people between the eyes.
If I may interject at this point on some LDS bullshit that I (and all the others) were raised to believe...
1. Mormons believe in fore ordination. Meaning, things were mapped out before you came to earth (the pre-existence) but you get to CHOOSE if you stick with that path. Of course this means you're totally guilt tripped into choosing what's right, because you make the Baby Jesus cry when you don't, so it's not really free will, but it is!
2. We young women were taught that it would be better for us to KILL OURSELVES than allow our virtue to become tarnished. I think this is a subconscious ideal in SMeyers mind when she had Jacob attack Bella, because that makes him the bad guy (DUH - even though... half the fandom loves this douche) and that reminds us on a subconscious level that Edward is her One True Love. This is also why Bella can't boink Edward before they are married.
3. Say you're Mormon and you want to get married and have your non-Mormon family/friends come. Well, they can't. Not in the temple, which is the One True Wedding Ceremony in the LDS faith. So, you have a civil service (what the rest of the Western World does for a wedding) and THEN you have your marriage in the temple. you do not reverse that order, because it makes a mockery of the temple wedding. Which is why Edward wants them to get married before he turns Bella, aka: marries her for time and all eternity in the temple so they can wear ugly, bunchy underwear for ever more.
4. Going back to #1, the fore ordination and pre-existence stuff, that also means that you picked your family, friends, and most importantly, your spouse before you came to earth. You just have to find them. In Bella's case, it's lucky she smelled of foie-gras so Edward could find her. (Because he's the Mormon in this story - he's connected to the spiritual side.) This leads us to the MOST DISGUSTING PART OF THE STORY: Imprinting.
The Indians that are werewolves/shape-shifters have a super cool feature to being happy: if they see their other half, some weird psychic bond happens IMMEDIATELY called Imprinting. This roughly means that they become crazy obsessed with that person, and nothing else matters beside them, their happiness, their comfort, banging them, whatever.
One of the kids at the rez IMPRINTS ON A TODDLER. Some little Indian girl is hanging out where he can see her, and now that is his one true love and he babysits her and takes her shopping, and to the beach, and takes her POTTY and on and on and JESUS H JUMPED UP CHRIST. Bella actually has the sense to see how fucking grody that is, but sees them together and thinks it's super keen. (
Now, reader, aren't you expecting Jacob to imprint on Bella? WAIT FOR IT. (Meaning, Book 4.)
Wasn't there an army of vampires coming just to kill Bella? because SURPRISE! Turns out that Victoria is behind all of this! *twirls mustache* I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!
Because once again Bella is an idiot, and apparently Edward is, too, they go off by themselves when the Big Battle between all the Werewolves (all the teen boys are now werewolves, too, whatever), Cullens, and Newborn!Victoria's Secret battle it out in the ultimate fight that we never get to see. *siiiigh* <-- no action, no conflict, don't forget!
Turns out that Victoria had HOPED they would go off on their own, and she brought a FRIEND. A newborn that is going to occupy Edward while Victoria goes for Bella, nyah ah ah! But OH SNAP, Jacob is all "Wonder Twin, Activate! Form of a snarling beast!" and gets involved. *cries* You guys.... *sobs* you guys, no really... *sobs more* It's like, so beautiful that those two boys that love her with all their hearts can COME TOGETHER RIGHT NOW and save her. Oh, my heart! Bleh.
Long story short, Victoria and her Secret are killed, Bella's safe, Edward looks yearningly at her, Jacob repeats "sure, sure," a million times, and there you have it. Except for how SMeyers forgot about the evil Catholic vamps, and has two of them show up to dispatch the newborns, because that's Their Job.
Several menacing conversations later, the threat is there that Bella better be made a vamp soon (she knows they exist "And now I have to kill you" thing) OR ELSE. Bum bum bum!!!!
Time for prom! But first, some guilting in hopes of getting in her pants (fat chance) by Jacob, making Bella a hysterical mess. Good fucking hell. It doesn't work, which OF COURSE makes her feel bad. But she puts on her dancing shoes and boogies to "Say You, Say Me" with her special marble man.
(this may have happened in book 1 or 2, at this point, I don't give a shit. Plus, SMeyers aped the whole Angel shows up and slow dances with Buffy prom moment, but took out all the awesome. And she claims to have never watched the show. Riiiiiight.)
Alice goes shopping for wedding dresses, Bella worries about people thinking she's knocked up if they marry now, and Edward is looking at old 1920's black and white stag reels to learn how to put Flap A into Slot B. Hahaha, no, he's not, but that would have been hysterical. Preparations are being made for a wedding and the book ends. (haha, link to old films courtesy of elisi)
He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.
Where it would stay — conceivably for the rest of eternity.
(Don't ever say that there's not LDS dogma in there - that last bit is straight from the temple wedding ceremony. "For time and all eternity.")
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. (She really, really loves epilogues. The better to hook you for the next book, dear!) Jacob gets a WEDDING INVITATION. Yes, that was an EXCELLENT plan, Bella. Hey, you know what that there wound needs? SALT! *scours*
Next book... honeymoon screwing: The Sparkle Peen!!! Or does it? Bum bum buuuuuuum! Click to find out!
this one might be short on the LULz, but that's because the books get steadily worse. I'm forcing myself to do the next one because they make me SO IRRITATED.