[ETA] I forgot to point out where my fantastic 70's Exploitation-style icon came from. Check out the whole series (made by my sister) here.
Title: Andrew Wells and the Large Hadron Collider
Author: Stoney, derp
Fandom: BtVS, SGA, every sci-fi show ever. :D
Rating: General (no cussin, killin, or cuttin up)
Summary: Andrew has the honor of starting up the LHC and detailing how the science behind it came to humans. Heeeeee.
Notes: Particle physics are purposely misunderstood by Andrew, not that many of you will care. *g* There's an obscure reference to an old holiday carol I re-wrote for Buffy fen, and I'm a dork. Sue me. Or rather, don't, because I make no money from this. I only make paper boats from this.
Andrew Wells and the Large Hadron Collider
“Look on, friends. Witness the majesty that is our Stargate.”
“Um, Sir? We received a dossier that explicitly commanded us to not refer to any part of the LHC as a Stargate for both copyright infringement and because the CSO of CERN has issues with that movie‘s religious undertones?”
Andrew chewed the inside of his lip, slightly annoyed but mostly embarrassed. “Yes, well, he can have his ‘issues,’” Andrew made finger quotes, “but that movie was funded by the Lanteans to help raise awareness in our dimension of them and the others.”
“Sir?” the scientist again shot his hand in the air, confusion on his face, “We received a second dossier that explained the Lantean myth and that we were to focus on hard science.”
Andrew stood stock still for several beats. His face broke into a wry smile; he adjusted his tie which promptly came off in his hand. He hooked the knot back over the top button of his shirt, hoping none of the audience below him noticed.
“Oh, simple, simple, physicists. How learn-ed you all are, and yet, how simple are your minds. Come,” he made a stiff arm motion, “let me teach you children the ways of the universe and show you that they are, indeed, real.”
He walked carefully across the grated catwalk, high above the concrete floor where the leading particle physicists and astrophysicists gathered. He rested his elbow on the edge of ATLAS’s muon spectrometer, immediately setting off a klaxon warning alarm bell. Andrew fumbled in his pocket, pulled out a keyring, and hit a button on it, making a loud, “boopweep!” noise. The alarm shut off instantly.
“We owe a lot to the Gordok demons who have traveled through the 10th dimension - a dimension that you will all be experiencing shortly - to be with us here today as our liaisons to the Lanteans.” He nodded towards a group of scaled and horned purple demons in lab coats standing among the scientists. A thin smattering of applause followed.
“Because race relations with the Gordoks and Lanteans, who do exist,” he scowled towards the nitpicking scientist from before, “and with our human race fell apart in the 1990s, the original collider was abandoned in order to not raise any suspicions of inter-planetary contact until the time was right. We moved here to Europe where we could conduct our ‘experiment,’” again Andrew made the finger quotes, “in order to show the human race that we ‘discovered’ this science on our own. The Lanteans are very excited for the knowledge of Schwartzenegger holes-”
“Schwartzchild,” someone coughed below.
Andrew looked confused, “But I thought…” He looked to the Gordok demons, “Isn’t he one of yours? We traded the knowledge for him, so he could control California’s avocado fields, sending them back to your home planet? And that’s why they’re named..?”
One of the demons pushed his glasses up his proboscis and shook his head.
“Very well,” Andrew scratched something off his clipboard. “The Lanteans are excited for the knowledge of worm holes, a.k.a. Schwartzchild, is it? Schwartzchild black holes to be made public. They’ve assured us that the completion of their all-inclusive underwater Atlantis resort is nearing completion.”
He examined a series of index cards clipped to his board, “Oh, and it looks like there will be a water park, fun! I need to remember to bring nose plugs… There will be a super-slide called The Black Hole, but I have been assured that it is not actually a black hole.” Andrew forced a confident laugh out, “That would be terrible to end up inside a planet or something, like Raptor 612. Oh, Starbuck. They were counting on your leadership.”
The group of scientists shifted restlessly below. Andrew made the international sign of the Vulcan and soothed, “We will have no person, human or otherwise, half-phase at this resort. It’s the Sandals of interplanetary vacation spots; no one dies at a Sandals resort! Unless it‘s dying of fun!”
One of the scientists raised his hand, his face completely annoyed, “Sir? Can we turn it on now, please?” The man looked very angry and aggressive.
Andrew gulped, “You’re not Asuran, are you? No,” he mumbled to himself, “Dr. McKay took care of them, last I heard.”
Andrew reached into his lab coat’s pocket and pulled out several action figures. “Today, ladies and gentlemen, today we will cross the streams.”
He held up a little miniature Spike, showing it to the crowd below. “The God Particle. The Higgs Boson. This, this is what we will show to the world in all its glory.”
He raised Spike’s arms and made a noise that sounded like a crowd cheering, bouncing the doll up and down in a tiny victory dance.
“This will explain to the world at large why the mass less photon, or Buffy,” he held up a plastic figurine and made it kiss the Spike doll on the cheek with a tiny lip smack sound, “and the heavy, massive W and Z bosons, or Angel,” he shifted the Buffy and Spike dolls to one hand and pulled out a new figure from his coat pocket and held it forward for the crowd to see, “why they exist. And why there is such a weak attraction between the two. Of course they exist for the God Particle. He is everyone. All things are attracted to the Spike boson. He is the One. He is… Neo.”
He set the figures on the railing before him with Spike in the center. “Today we will show the human world the one ring that binds us all.”
He held his hands up, touching fingertips and thumbs to each other, making a heart shape. “The Standard Model.”
Andrew turned and picked up a toy ship from a table, where he had set a series of props for his lecture.
“And now, we all will climb aboard the Falcon,” he walked the figurines one by one across the railing and put them inside the ship, “and make the Kessel Run in under two parsecs. TURN ON,” he threw his arms in the air for dramatic affect, “THE REACTOR!”
Another researcher below quickly shouted up at him, “There is no reactor! It’s an accelerator! They have completely opposite functions, didn’t you read any of the materials we pro-”
“YES, YES,” Andrew boomed over the man, “THE ACCELERATOR. Flip the switch!”
Yet another scientist interrupted, “There is no switch. It’s a series of commands in a DOS-based program that-”
“Oh, come on, you guys. Power it on.”
Across the catwalk was the control room. The technicians began typing in code, signaling completion. The CMS detector’s outer red covering, a hologram, faded, revealing a grey stone circle with a series of symbols circling its perimeter.
“Location one, lock.”
The circle began to spin.
“Location two, lock.”
An electric hum began to fill the room.
“Location three, lock.”
Andrew realized he was standing at the mouth of the reactor and grabbed his toys and hot-footed it down the stairs to join the group.
“Location four, lock.”
“We’ll finally have enough power to lengthen the wormholes,” one of the Gordok’s gleefully intoned.
One of the scientists didn’t look convinced and murmured nervously to her companion, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
“The DHD is engaged.”
Andrew smirked, fully pleased with the events. “Jodie Foster, take us to your father.”
The technician rolled her eyes and hit the “command” button.
The sound of a massive engine cycling up to impossible speeds quickly turned to the whine of said engine powering down in failure.
The crowd began murmuring. Andrew’s mouth fell open. “Wait! They told me they would fix it! It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!”
The Gordok demon with glasses approached Andrew, one talon pointing right in his face. “You have failed me for the last time. I’ll see you in the bottom of a Sarlaac pit for this.”
“They’re… real?” Andrew gulped and clutched at his tie, which again, promptly unclipped and fell into his hand.
Rupert Giles strode out purposefully to the center of the melee, “Damn it all, Andrew, I told you not to begin without me.”
He clucked a guttural stream of noise to the Gordok demons, who seemed appeased by it. He turned back to Andrew, “And once again, do I need to remind you that there is no hyper-drive at CERN.”
He conjured a ball of energy that pulsed blackly in the palm of his hands, turned to the spinning apparatus, and threw the ball at it. The engine immediately powered back on, and everything began humming as it should. The crowd’s grumblings quickly turned into a raucous cheer.
“How can you expect to show dark matter if you don’t have dark matter, hmm?”
Andrew nervously laughed, “Oh, right.”
Giles looked at him with distaste, but it quickly morphed into pity. “Would you like to lead us all to our luncheon?”
Andrew’s shoulders dropped with relief, “Thank you, Mr. Giles.” He turned to the crowd again, ”Everyone? We have champagne and nibblies, and a…ceremonial egg for the Gordoks.”
One of the demon scientists raised it’s talon’d tentacle, “I laid it this morning!”
“Yes. Well.” Giles whipped his glasses off and furiously scrubbed the lenses. “How delightful.”
He lightly touched the back of the egg-laying Gordok’s coat and held an arm out, “Shall we?”
Andrew stood for a moment, eyes closed, a slight wind from the whirling ATLAS ruffling his hair across his forehead. “We will come for you, Teyla. I will come for you.”
“Andrew, we have non-alcoholic cider for you in here,” Giles called out.
“Ooh!” He held an open palm towards the spinning apparatus for a brief moment, closed his hand into a fist, then skipped into the conference room in search of food.