Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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I just don't even know, y'all. Crack fic post, Sarah Palin/Edward Cullen

Yeah, you read that right. This just hit me this morning, so while I drank my coffee and turned MSNBC to a dull roar, this came out. (I'm leaving early in the morning for NYC, so I won't be around until Monday. Have a good weekend, everyone!)

Title: Northern Lights.
Who?: Sarah/Edward, General Audiences
Huh?: What if Edward had tried love before Bella?
What?: A series of letters from Edward to the woman who holds his esteem and ardor.

Northern Lights... the Prequel SMeyers never dared write

To Sarah, my beloved, dulcet darling,

[a music tape falls out of the letter upon opening]

How are you, dear? I hope this missive finds you in good health and in good spirits. I have this funny dream, of course you know that I mean metaphoric dream, as you know that I cannot sleep, being what I am. This dream is of you in your smart winter coat, lined with otter fur, the brown glints in your up-do playing havoc with my heart, again, metaphoric heart. The wind is sliding over your perfect body as you move across the glistening snow on your dog sled, whipping them mercilessly in your effort to catch me.

Can you, darling? You only need reach out your hand, for you have caught me, heart and soul.

Metaphoric heart and soul.

I’ve written a song about that on my piano, actually. As my fingers play across the ivory keys, I imagine that I am dancing my fingers across yours. Forgive me for being so forward. It is so trying, this attempt to censor my feelings around you. I do hope that when you listen to it, you will think of yours truly? I hope to call upon you again on a sunny day, the rainbows sparkling off my marble skin a bridge to your heart.

With complete adoration and my warmest wishes for your well being,
Edward Cullen

[the song recorded on the tape is “Heart and Soul” and Edward is softly crooning "boom de yadda boom de yadda" in the background]

Dear Lamb,

No, no that is not sweet enough to describe you. Lamblet. I shall call you this, as you are softer than freshly carded wool, sweeter than newborn flesh, and you smell as lovely as… Well, we know that that is a road best left untraveled. If you only had any idea of how hard it is to take in your scent and not--

Well. I become unseemly. You bring it out of me, you with your adorable glasses perched atop your gently freckled nose, the vision of you in a down-filled parka that reaches past your knees, those precious mukluks encasing your dainty, delicate, perfect little toes.

I hope that you enjoy those, and that I selected a pair that is satisfactory to you. Emmett suggested a pair lined with baby seal, as you are as adorable as one, but I see into your heart and know that caribou better define you. Their majestic strength, their stillness, their resolute attitudes. That is you, my beloved.

Can you recall the day we first met? I still see it with such clarity. Emmett and I were hunting grizzlies on the North Slope, and there you stood, rifle to shoulder and eye to scope, the muzzle pointed straight at the heart of one of the larger Kodiaks just waking from its slumber.

You woke me from my slumber, as well. I paused, caught your delicious scent on the air (L’air de Temps? But not that day.) and then we both turned, I with my perfect sight seeing your chocolate brown eye through your rifle’s scope, you witnessing my pale, perfect white skin, skin that made the freshly fallen snow appear dirty in comparison. You saw me clearly then, as you see me now for I am laid bare before you. The bullet that pierced the bear’s heart may have pierced my own.

When you strung its dead body into a tree and cut it open with such vigor, something stirred inside me, something I imagined long dead. As you made a deal with the oil men with whom you were hunting, it seems I made a deal with the Devil. But then, we know that I already had.

Oh, you should not endeavor to be with me! I can bring you nothing but sorrow, and you, my Sarah, my heart, you deserve everything. Just by virtue of being alive you should have everything! If life were as it should be, you would be Queen of all you survey.

You are already Queen of my heart.

Yours truly and completely,
Edward Cullen

Oh, Sweetheart,

Do not despair. The horrid cow that won first place in that pageant - pah! Forgive me, but they should not be allowed to call it anything but what it is, a farce! A ruse! A sham! That anyone could win first prize in a beauty contest with your perfection alongside them, shaming their every cell with the lack of your loveliness, why I call that a lie. An indignation not to be borne!

Emmett has offered to “see to” that horrid girl and the parliament of judges that oversaw that travesty they called a Beauty Contest, but I stayed his hand. We must not harm humans, as much as we may desire to in times such as this. He began to expound on your virtues, but I stopped him when he began describing your comely, shapely legs. What about poor Rosalie’s heart, had she heard him say such things?

“Emmett!” I exclaimed, “That is the woman I love and you shall not degrade her in such a manner. She is more than a beautiful face,” I intoned. With chagrin, I continued, “She is so much more than just beauty personified. She has kindness and killer hunting instincts that rival our own. She makes friends so easily, why, just look at the entire Board of Directors for the oil and natural gas industry falling at her delicate, perfect feet! No, she is far more than just a pretty face. She is mine.”

Did I speak out of turn, beloved? Have I put a claim to you that you do not wish? If I were a stronger man, indeed, if I was a man at all, I would leave this place and never trouble you again, but how can I? I could sooner cut off my leg than leave you when you are as troubled as this.

Put it out of your mind. The girl that won the other accolade, Miss Congeniality is it? That girl is a simpering dolt. You are more than congenial, you are strength, you are a huntress, and that wink you give when speaking to others sends an avalanche of emotion through my cold body. You have destroyed me utterly.

Do it again.

Increasingly yours,

My heart,

Did you know that when you sleep, you mutter sweet nothings into the air? There are times when I wish I wasn’t strong, so that I might gently touch my lips to yours as you slept, waking you with my golden eyes boring into yours.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to watch over you night after night, knowing that your warmth is just inches away from my still, watchful body standing over you. There is such peril in the world! How can I allow you to be alone when such horrors abound? I cannot, no matter the ribbing my brothers give me, and I do not even understand what “sealing the deal” means. Emmett is no better than a simian. I say that the years he spent in the jungle hunting silver backs has led to this de-evolution of his, but you know that he will not listen to me.

Darling, I must see you again. We must talk of your future. You didn’t spend six years going from university to college to community education center for nothing, and if we pursue this… well, this relationship, then you will be throwing away all of that hard work! I cannot stand the thought of you wasting that keen mind of yours - incidentally, ‘its’ means possessive and ‘it’s’ is a contraction, I noticed you seemed to have difficulty distinguishing between the two in your last missive. I circled each mistake with a little heart and gave each of them the gentle kiss I wish to place on your perfect, wide lips. Also, ‘then’ indicates a time period and ‘than’ refers to a choice or decision. Each little human error makes me love you more, did you know?

No! I mustn’t be weak. Carlisle is right, I need to go back to Harvard and spend a few semesters pretending to not understand quantum physics. It’s such an amusement for me to correct the professors when they make a mistake, but then, they didn’t have the chance to have tea with Albert Einstein on occasion, did they?

If I go, it is only because I care so much for you. I… I want you to move on, to try and forget me. Don’t cry, darling, it is for the best. But know this: should you ever see something sparkling off in the distance, it is only I, watching over you and protecting you from danger. I want you to be happy, to marry and have children. I cannot give you those things.

Please forget me, but know that I will never forget you.

Undoubtedly yours for time immemorial,
Edward Cullen

P.S. Jasper has asked me to send along his request for you to campaign for lifting the ban on hunting wolves. We do not wish to break any laws, naturally.

P.P.S. I’m terribly sorry to yammer on, but Alice has asked me to add a post script for her, and she says “Start with City Council.” I see images of an avalanche in her mind, but she assures me it is a metaphor, not an actual avalanche. Rest assured that should you ever be trapped in an avalanche, I will find you. I will always be watching over your safety. Always watching, never forget.

Still yours, but it must be from a distance,
Your Edward

Dear Sarah,

I see that you’ve married. I cannot express how happy for you I am, and how utterly woeful I am, but that is unfair. I told you to move past me, and you have. Is it wrong to still imagine you standing on a snow bank, your thick, heavy boots buried to your knees, your body bundled in bulky layers to keep you warm, and me wishing that I had warmth to give you? I cannot count the number of sweaters I have started for you on my antique knitting needles.

But I am being unkind and unfair. I am pleased to see that you’ve married someone that appears to love you a fraction of what I have. Well done.

I wanted to send you a letter, telling you that I watched your sports program on the television and felt you did a marvelous job. Hearing your voice again… It was balm for my withered soul. Just a few nights ago a flock of geese flew overhead, and I heard their voices calling to one another and it brought your sweet tone back to my mind’s ear. Truly I cannot hear a duck upon the clear waters of the lake near our home and not think of you.

Alice has asked me to remind you to think about running for office. We all just want the best for you, dear. The rest of the family sends their love and well wishes, I will not, however, describe the horrid thrusting motion Emmett made with his lower body when I asked if anyone cared to send along their love. Not that I needed them to speak, as I can hear their thoughts.

I wish my brother would stop imagining such uncouth acts with my lady fair. But then, a woman as beautiful as you cannot help but elicit the base nature of man.

Forever yours, but with a respectful distance,
Edward Cullen

To Governor Palin,

You’ll always be my Sarah, but please know how proud we all are of you! I see that people are not understanding the intricate manner in which your mind works. I who have loved you all these years, know that you did not cave to pressure, but merely took a step back and saw the best strategic decision for your career. Jasper likened it to a chess game, and as he is the family member with a military background, I defer to his knowledge in that arena. He also asked if you’ve read “The Art of War?” I’ve enclosed a Cliff Notes version, as I know how busy you are and that reading for a certain period of time gives you a headache.

And without my cold hands to soothe the tense muscles in your delectable nape… Forgive me. But, when you continue to play havoc with my emotions by putting your hair up in such a becoming manner, you must expect men to lose their will power. I jest, but only in part.

Esme has offered her remarkable talents in the architectural arena to help design a bridge that no longer goes nowhere. Bless her heart, metaphoric heart, she doesn’t follow the news too closely. She truly believed that some engineer built a bridge that actually extended into empty space. She is too adorable for words.

Emmett and I would gladly offer our service, should you need someone to hold the indigent peoples of the island and leap across the divide, you only need to ask. Emmett seemed especially keen on this idea, but I believe he meant to toss them across, not carry them like I intended.

I saw a picture of you and your lovely children. They take after you. I truly am happy for you I--

Oh, say that you still think of me! That some part of you still cares, for I am going mad with sorrow. I can no longer eat moose, as it reminds me of your penchant for them in a burgered sandwich. We Cullens are on the move again, to Forks, Washington. Should you need anything, no matter how small, you can send for me there.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
Edward Cullen

[a note is shoved in clumsily with this letter, clearly added after it was sealed given the tape holding the envelope closed. The handwriting is far rougher than the measured calligraphy of Edward's letters]

Hey Baby- miss you. I’ll be up in a few weeks when the Mr. is gone to the oil fields. Can you believe he’s never figured it out? I don’t know when I’ll get to see you after that - Rosie is getting pissed at me. But I can’t bring one of your kids back to her, she just doesn’t get it. Hopefully one of these knocked up kids in your area will be willing to give one of them up for adoption and she’ll quit harping on me.

Anyway, next time you get a picture taken, act like you’re holding a rifle and do that little wink you do. You know how hot it gets me. I’m sending Jasper to Arizona to put the mojo on that guy running for President. I keep my promises.

Thanks for putting up with my brother. We think he’s a little touched in the head, if you know what I mean, but he means well. There’s some kid here in this new town we’re in that’s getting him all riled. I don’t see it - she looks like she‘s just sucked a lemon. But I’m sure you’ll be glad to get him out of your hair. Speaking of which, next time you’re on camera, touch your bangs and wink if you’re thinking of me.

Tags: fic, fic: random meetups, funny fic, obama is my president, parody fic, sparkle!

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