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Yeah, you read that right. This just hit me this morning, so while I drank my coffee and turned MSNBC to a dull roar, this came out. (I'm leaving early in the morning for NYC, so I won't be around until Monday. Have a good weekend, everyone!)

Title: Northern Lights.
Who?: Sarah/Edward, General Audiences
Huh?: What if Edward had tried love before Bella?
What?: A series of letters from Edward to the woman who holds his esteem and ardor.

To Sarah, my beloved, dulcet darling...Collapse )

Comments

( 191 comments — Leave a comment )
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moosesal
Sep. 17th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
My dearest Stoney,

I laughed so hard my heart stopped -- metaphorically, of course. I long for you to give me mouth-to-mouth to restore me. Closed mouth, of course, for I am a gentlewoman. But if you cannot restore my, my angelic form will look after you for all eternity.

Yours,
Moose Cullen


Wow. Just ... wow. This is my third amusing undead thing of the day. (1-Chris texted from DC that his plane crashed and he was dead, but thought he'd be okay. I wrote back and told him to stay out of the sun. 2-watched Burn Notice with the spy who was supposed to be dead "Larry - Undead Spy". 3-Sparkly Palin lovers.)

This is so wonderfully fucked up, Stoney. Funny and sick and twisted and funny and just filled with perfect subtle jabs along with the more obvious ones.

I'm going to have to read it again later when I can get through it all without interruptions.
stoney321
Sep. 17th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
I shall not compromise your morals, Dear Lady! Rest assured that I will revive you with intense staring and then allow my doctor vampire dad to work his magic on you. I'm sure the intensity of my gaze will revive you, however.

Hahahahaha, Chris is a dick! That's hilarious. I'll have to remember that tomorrow when my plane lands...

Sal = <3
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kseenaa
Sep. 17th, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
Now thats just pure crack. :-P
stoney321
Sep. 17th, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC)
First taste's free! :D
brunettepet
Sep. 17th, 2008 11:19 pm (UTC)
Okay, I was laughing at each reveal of the many things Edward finds perfection in his lamblet, but this gentle steerage to improved grammar was the capper incidentally, ‘its’ means possessive and ‘it’s’ is a contraction, I noticed you seemed to have difficulty distinguishing between the two in your last missive. I circled each mistake with a little heart and gave each of them the gentle kiss I wish to place on your perfect, wide lips. Also, ‘then’ indicates a time period and ‘than’ refers to a choice or decision. Each little human error makes me love you more, did you know? Hahahaha! How can a being so perfect even think to debase himself with her?

And this, too, was hysterical: But know this: should you ever see something sparkling off in the distance, it is only I, watching over you and protecting you from danger. Edward, off in the distance, you make the snow seem dirty in comparison. I know because you've reminded Sarah. Probably several times.

Edward comparing Sarah's voice to geese and duck calls sounded like a breathy compliment. He should be in advertising.

Emmet's crude asides were hilarious, and to find he'd been cuckolding Edward and Sarah's husband the entire time put a luscious cherry on this sparkly, comic sundae. Thanks for the gales of laughter and finally presenting a plausible explanation to how Sarah Palin got where she is.
stoney321
Sep. 17th, 2008 11:50 pm (UTC)
*clappy hands* YAY!! I'm so happy that those jokes hit. I mean, it made *me* laugh, but you never know.

But how can you go wrong with an earnestly romantic Sparklepire? I dare say: YOU CANNOT. ;)
soundingsea
Sep. 18th, 2008 12:49 am (UTC)
Ahhahaha. Oh, this is rich. Excellent.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:16 pm (UTC)
*claps hands!!*

Yay!!! Oh, how I love crack fic. :D Thanks, babe!
timba
Sep. 18th, 2008 02:09 am (UTC)
Hee! This is! I mean...I cannot even...

HOW does one become so fabulous? Must I spend time in a LDS temple?

I am sure this will require some kind of permission slip from the diocese...but I think that it might be worth it if it creates the kind of fantasticness I see here.

:D
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:17 pm (UTC)
I think it's a combo of temple worship and cleanliness and hobo hand jobs on dirty street corners, I'm not sure of the actual formula...

Hahaha, you're awesome, and thank you VERY MUCH for reading (and most importantly: laughing!!)
priscellie
Sep. 18th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
*dies*

*sends link to friends from beyond the grave*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:17 pm (UTC)
hahahahahahah.

Also, your icon is a THING OF BEAUTY!!!
tricksterquinn
Sep. 19th, 2008 04:19 am (UTC)
You. I. Homg. *ded*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:18 pm (UTC)
DON'T YOU TAKE HER YET!!

*mouth to mouth*
Heh. (Glad you laughed!)
tinyholidays
Sep. 19th, 2008 05:48 am (UTC)
"Forever yours, but with a respectful distance"

That rocks. You rock. Rock. I especially liked the Scene In Which They Met. Oh, and the image of Edward with his antique knitting needles.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:19 pm (UTC)
HEEEE!! Ah, I am SO PLEASED to make you laugh. Mockage with like-minded folks is such fun. :D

(and you know those knitting needles belonged to his mother, passed down through the generations?)
flynnacatri
Sep. 19th, 2008 09:05 am (UTC)
Unfortunately with "dulcet darling" my mind jumped to Prince Humperdinck and I heard the rest of it as read by him.


I can never read Twilight now. Never.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:20 pm (UTC)
HAhAHAhAHA, I forgot about Humperdink! "Yes, yes, get on with it!"

"I can never read Twilight now. Never." THEN MY WORK HERE IS DONE. Yay! ;)
dragonflylady77
Sep. 19th, 2008 12:09 pm (UTC)
Oh God... The tape and the grammar tips and the hunting and Emmett.. *g*

Emmmett's not at the end was just priceless and the cherry on top of this sparkly love affair..

*happy sigh*
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:21 pm (UTC)
Wheeeeee! I'm happy to make you happy. Or laughing. Or snorting. Whichever. It's all Mozart to my ears...
solipsiae
Sep. 19th, 2008 03:04 pm (UTC)
unrelated but
Two things:

1) Are you watching True Blood? I've watched eps 1 & 2 and have concluded this is the other side of the Twilight coin. Campy fun vampire teen romance (Halfway through the pilot I proclaimed, "This is HBO's Smallville!!") that sucks considerably less than Twilight but still has a lot of dialogue/plot stinkers. They elicit more banshee giggles than angry mutters from me, though.

2) What's your take on this?
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:46 pm (UTC)
Re: unrelated but
1. it's not good. It's mostly the actors (Anna Paquin) not knowing what the hell to do with her body (or have the ability to do a Bayou accent) and the directors/editors not knowing if this IS campy fun, sexy intrigue, multi-layered story telling. It's a bit of a hot mess. The book was good, cracky fun, though.

2. Not shocked because women get married in the temple as you said, after a civil service, if not married 'by authority' the first go 'round. Not to mention that you go to the temple for other family members, and if you're a good LDS lady, you're having/just had/planning to have a baby.

A girl I knew in school got married in the temple when her mom was pregnant with her ninth baby. Since everyone has to wear temple garments... there you go.

In a nutshell: KOOKOO.
Re: unrelated but - come_love_sleep - Sep. 29th, 2008 07:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: unrelated but - stoney321 - Sep. 29th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
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the_dala
Sep. 19th, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC)
Oh my god. Edward correcting her grammar...I have half a mind to send this to Fox News, so certain am I that it actually happened exactly as you've described it. It is the only explanation that makes sense. I can see the TwiMoms for Palin bumper stickers now - perhaps even Palin/Cullen 2012 if we the American public should be so lucky.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:48 pm (UTC)
TwiMoms for Palin! Hahahahahahaha. But: oh, god, no! Then Palin/McCain would win in a landslide because they wouldn't be able to remember that Edward isn't actually real!
redbrickrose
Sep. 19th, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC)
AWESOME. Stoney, this is truly hilarious and inspired.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:49 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha, YAY! Thanks, Hannah!!
timeofchange
Sep. 19th, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
This is just perfect.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:49 pm (UTC)
As are you! *squish*
chosen0112
Sep. 20th, 2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
You are made of awesome. Dazzling, sparkling awesome that leaves me breathless. Breathless and swooning. SRSLY.
stoney321
Sep. 22nd, 2008 12:50 pm (UTC)
Don't forget to remind your heart to beat! *breaths cotton candy breath on your face*
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( 191 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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