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Yeah, you read that right. This just hit me this morning, so while I drank my coffee and turned MSNBC to a dull roar, this came out. (I'm leaving early in the morning for NYC, so I won't be around until Monday. Have a good weekend, everyone!)

Title: Northern Lights.
Who?: Sarah/Edward, General Audiences
Huh?: What if Edward had tried love before Bella?
What?: A series of letters from Edward to the woman who holds his esteem and ardor.

To Sarah, my beloved, dulcet darling...Collapse )

Comments

( 191 comments — Leave a comment )
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pinkdormouse
Sep. 29th, 2008 06:20 am (UTC)
Here via nwhepcat. That was fantastic! Are the Twilight books really that bad?
stoney321
Sep. 29th, 2008 12:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Oh go, yes. Even worse, actually. See for yourself! These are summaries of the books with helpful humor to keep you from killing yourself. *G*
... - pinkdormouse - Sep. 29th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
aldehyde
Sep. 29th, 2008 01:57 pm (UTC)
this was recced by a pal..
good lord.
this is fucking brilliant!

stoney321
Sep. 29th, 2008 04:58 pm (UTC)
*buys your pal a pony made of cake and puppies*
Why, thank you!
... - stoney321 - Sep. 29th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 29th, 2008 04:58 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm pretty sure you're the most amazing person to comment today, so it just makes sense we'd find each other. *G*

Aww, I want to smooch your icon. I <3 Chuck.
kell887
Sep. 29th, 2008 02:24 pm (UTC)
BEST. CRACK. EVER!
stoney321
Sep. 29th, 2008 04:59 pm (UTC)
First taste's free!

(Thanks!)
scelerisin
Sep. 29th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
this is canon.
trufax. 8D
stoney321
Sep. 29th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
hahahaha - WE ARE AGREED! :D
lettered
Sep. 29th, 2008 10:30 pm (UTC)
I thought I loved you before.

I had no idea.
stoney321
Sep. 29th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Also, HI JOY!!! *squishes you to my bewbs*
... - lettered - Sep. 29th, 2008 10:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Sep. 29th, 2008 10:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
miss_sophia
Oct. 1st, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC)
Breaking Palin, Part 1
Here via bardsong. This was beautiful. I've got an epilogue for ya (and jeez, OK, I'm going to have to post it in two parts...stupid LJ character limits):

Phone: *rings*

Sarah Palin: Hello?

Edward: Sarah. It's Edward. I know it's been a long time since my last correspondence, but I really needed --

S: Edward? Edward Cullen? Listen, it's...wonderful to hear from you, but now is not the best time. I've got --

E: Sarah, please forgive me for intruding so suddenly like this, but I have a situation I must beseech you for help with.

S: Edward, I'd really like to catch up with you, but as I said, now is not the best time. I don't know if you've heard, but John McCain has chosen me to be his running mate, and between that and some...um, personal domestic problems that have recently come to the attention of --

E: I know all about it, Sarah. About Bristol and her pregnancy. And I think I might have a solution...one that would relieve me of a burden as well. A terrible burden that would be weighing down my very heart and soul if I were not a heartless and soulless monster, a creature doomed to --

S: Look, I've got an interview in several minutes. Could you just get to the point, please?

E: Sarah...I loved you, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will always possess a piece of my heart, were but I had a heart, and --

S: Edward. The point, please.

E: Right. Okay. Sarah, I am a married man now. A wonderful, freesia-scented princess named Bella Swan has captured my non-existent heart -- sans the hypothetical piece you will always possess, of course -- and I married her. She is now carrying my child.

S: That's great news, Edward! Congratulations! But...I fail to see the problem, here.

E: It's the pregnancy. I never should have consummated our relationship before --

S: Ah, premarital sex. Look, there are ways to get around the problem, Edward. Lord knows I've -- Well, anyway, when the baby comes, just say it was premature. And a big baby on top of that. You're tall. People will believe it.

E: Good heavens, Sarah, do you think I am a heathen like my brother Emmett? I would never have had premarital sex! My non-existent soul is already resting on precarious ground, and I fear I should never make it to an afterlife. Of course, being undead, it is highly unlikely that I shall ever leave this world in the first place, but --

S: Edward. Please get on with it.

E: I was. You were the one who cut me off that last time!

S: Right, sorry about that. Carry on, please.

E: Anyway, I should never have consummated our relationship before making Bella a vampire. Now my love is carrying our child, but the pregnancy is killing her. The baby is inhumanly strong, and Bella is weakening by the minute. There is no way she will make it through the delivery; she is a delicate flower, and she would certainly be unable to withstand the chewing of her uterus from within. Should she die, I shall have no recourse but to travel back to Italy and commit sparklicide, for I will be devastated and heartbroken. I cannot exist without her.
miss_sophia
Oct. 1st, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC)
Breaking Palin, Part 2
(continued from Part 1, above)

S: *is silent for a moment* Edward, that sounds terrible. But I don't know how I can help you. It's not like I can pass a law against fetal uterus munching, and even if I could, I'm not the vice-president yet, so the law would apply only in Alaska, and you would have to bring your wife here. I'm...really sorry.

E: But there is a way you can help. A way that would benefit you and your family and your political aspirations.

S: If there is, I'm not seeing it.

E: *sighs with chagrin* Now that Bella has had a taste of potential motherhood, she wants a child. I tried to get this guy who has a desperate crush on her to agree to father a new baby with her, but --

S: And what about the one she's knocked up with right now?

E: ...Let us not speak of that part. I know how you feel about these things.

S. ...Okay.

E: Anyway, Bella wants a baby. And Bristol has a baby whom I imagine she does not want, a baby that is causing your family much embarrassment in the media and possibly hurting your political aspirations, and the Republican Party as a whole. Perhaps we could...arrange something.

S: ...Edward, I knew your multiple Harvard educations meant you were smart, but...holy crow, you are a genius! If only you had come up with this idea when she was pregnant with...ahem. Anyway. It's a wonderful idea, and it will solve both of our problems! I've got to go now, but I'll call you in a few months, and we'll make more detailed arrangements then.

E: I'm so glad this will work out. Your grandchild will have a wonderful home and will want for nothing. And I'll make sure to send you scrapbooks for each year of his or her life. ...Raising your grandchild will be like having a piece of you after all.

S: Thank you, Edward. You were always so thoughtful.

E: No, thank you, Sarah. If I had a heart, you would have relieved it of its burden. And good luck with the campaign.

S: Thank you. Perhaps sometime in the future, our families can go hunting together. And please give Emmett my best and...and tell him I've got several fingers through my bangs. He'll know what I mean.

E: Will do. Goodbye, Sarah.
... - stoney321 - Oct. 2nd, 2008 12:34 am (UTC) - Expand
nobleplatypus
Oct. 3rd, 2008 12:42 pm (UTC)
I've never even read Twilight, and this is STILL the best thing ever! Heeeee!
stoney321
Oct. 3rd, 2008 01:29 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha, thanks! (And trust me: you don't need to read Twilight. It requires an asbestos coating for your brain cells.)
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 12th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
Always put on sunglasses before diving into the world of Twilight!

(Hahahaha, I'm so pleased to have sent my rainbow sparkles your way. *G*)
julia_here
Oct. 17th, 2008 06:41 am (UTC)
Hey, Stoney, now you're a particle.

Julia, and I really should be in bed, shouldn't I?
stoney321
Oct. 17th, 2008 12:16 pm (UTC)
It took me forever to figure out what that meant - I'm not familiar with that blog at all. Cool!!
yurasama_love
Oct. 18th, 2008 02:07 am (UTC)
Sweet. That's beautiful. Thanks.
stoney321
Oct. 18th, 2008 12:48 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, you're welcome!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Oct. 22nd, 2008 12:39 pm (UTC)
Oh, bless your heart, your brain was all filled with malapropisms and homonym screw ups!

And I'm glad I could make you cry with the sheer force of the beauty and truth of Sarah and Edward's gentle, sparkling love. Haha.
ext_131492
Nov. 7th, 2008 04:38 pm (UTC)
Hi!

Your story is reviewed here:
http://marysuelovesyou.blogspot.com/2008/11/no-american-idol-is-not-voting.html
Thanks!

Mary Sue
marysue69@gmail.com

Fandom <3
http://www.marysuelovesyou.blogspot.com
stoney321
Nov. 10th, 2008 02:37 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks for the shout out, that's cool! Glad I made you laugh.
lembeau
Nov. 11th, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
I kinda love you a lot for this.


PS. Was there a (sparkly) letter sent to comfort Lady Love Palin in the wake of her defeat?
stoney321
Nov. 12th, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
Hahahahaha, I imagine there was! And of course Emmett would show up and give her a hummer to show his feelings. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
Stupid LJ not sending me comments...

I THANK YOU. Pfft, the Human Genome project? I make that look like a 6 year old's HOMEWORK. (Ahahaha. Um, no.)
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( 191 comments — Leave a comment )

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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