Okay, I keep meaning to post this, but I'm running ninety-miles a minute. So, the weekend before Halloween was a film festival in Hollywood, and Blood on the Highway was a feature. (New readers: this is a horror movie I'm in, with cameos by Nicholas Brendon and Tom Towles. It's hilarious and offensive.) I didn't go to this one, but my bro-in-law, the screenwriter and actor in the movie went and met a woman that is the production designer on True Blood.
He asked her what the hell was that hot mess. She shrugged and rolled her eyes and said something to the effect of, "It's a series of inside jokes between me and Alan Ball, now." The mask that Jason wears to dance on film for Lafayette? That was her Halloween costume, so they went with it. And the most shocking thing she said??
THAT WAS A REAL, STORE BOUGHT PECAN PIE. I did the Elaine shove, "GET OUT!" It appears that in the swamps of Florida, where the show is filmed, that's what passes for pie in the frozen section of the Publix grocery store. Gross.
She didn't out and out say it, but she pretty much hinted that she thinks it's sh*t, too. At least I'm not losing my mind... That show is just the most head-scratching piece of wtfery I've ever seen. And I swear to the god of your choice, if I hear Tara or her mama say "I gots a day-mon in me" one more time, I might have to shoot something.
After reading over on fan_wank that RPatz (Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and soon to be Edward in the new Twilight movie) is absolutely crapping all over the story, and has called out SMeyers on her Mary Sue of a Bella:
I love him. That is AWESOME! And I'm not even going to lie: I am going to see that movie, but I plan on laughing very loudly and mocking it. Because are you kidding me?!? I have a STRONG NEED to re-write True Blood dialogue in a Twilight-esque fashion.
****
"I gots a day-mon in me...." Tara whispered, undone by the beauty that was Sam, the shape shifter. "Sure, sure," Sam crooned, then forced a kiss upon her. His soft, magisterial hair belied the strength in his lips. It belied it.
***
Sookie, barely able to stand on two feet without a harness, blinked multiple times. Could this be real? Could this be happening? The solid, cold, white, pearly, hard, perfect man before her was... a vampire.
"Say it," Bill whispered, sending chills up her arms.
"I..."
"Say it!" Bill said with force and a hint of chagrin.
"I... cannot act, nor do I know how to stand properly on mah two laigs."
Bill's face broke into a smile, then, and the effect was magnificent. It was as if the sun broke through a cloudy day, as if two unicorns came charging across a field of wildflowers, as if the Lord Himself appeared before the masses, crying, "I am He and thou shalt worship Me."
"Bill?"
Bill smiled, tucking a loose strand behind Sookie's ear with clever fingers. "Yes?"
"I really am the most unlahkable person ever, I cain't stand up without falling over, I'm sour, I'm dour, and I'm convinced every boy in the world loves me."
Bill chuckled, and it was the sound of water rushing over well-worn river rocks in a quiet brook, set within a glen filled with tender animals and splashes of color set upon flowers strewn about the glade, bees and butterflies humming in the sultry air and a vampire laughing amidst it all.
"That is precisely why you are so perfect for me."
"That don't make no sense."
Bill smiled, and Sookie's heart literally stopped beating until she remembered that her heart only beat when she told it to, which is most likely what explained why she couldn't stand; she was constantly reminding her heart to beat. One look at the kind, loving, intelligent, talented, perfect, beautiful, flawless face that was Bill, stopped her heart all over again.
"Oh, Sookie, why can't you see what you really are? You are a vessel that next to, causes me to appear even more ethereal than before. I bask in your love, making me far more powerful than even you could realize. Also, I like women I can control."
Sookie fell under his gaze, filled with love, longing, and a need to marry him instantly, become just like him, and have many, many babies that might have to kill her in order to come to this earth. So be it, she felt, deep within the marrow of her bones.
"Also, The marrow of your bones smell like fresh, wounded lamb to me," Bill whispered, his firm, hard cold, marble-like, chiseled lips pressed against her ear.
They left, hand in hand, to the mud-bug party at Lafayette's, nothing but promise, chaste kisses, and many many mosquitoes in the air.
****
southernbangel is coming for a weekend visit so there will be wine, us women, fajitas, and footballs. NICE.
He asked her what the hell was that hot mess. She shrugged and rolled her eyes and said something to the effect of, "It's a series of inside jokes between me and Alan Ball, now." The mask that Jason wears to dance on film for Lafayette? That was her Halloween costume, so they went with it. And the most shocking thing she said??
THAT WAS A REAL, STORE BOUGHT PECAN PIE. I did the Elaine shove, "GET OUT!" It appears that in the swamps of Florida, where the show is filmed, that's what passes for pie in the frozen section of the Publix grocery store. Gross.
She didn't out and out say it, but she pretty much hinted that she thinks it's sh*t, too. At least I'm not losing my mind... That show is just the most head-scratching piece of wtfery I've ever seen. And I swear to the god of your choice, if I hear Tara or her mama say "I gots a day-mon in me" one more time, I might have to shoot something.
After reading over on fan_wank that RPatz (Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and soon to be Edward in the new Twilight movie) is absolutely crapping all over the story, and has called out SMeyers on her Mary Sue of a Bella:
"I was convinced... that Stephenie was convinced... that she was Bella... and it was like a book that wasn't supposed to be published. And you're reading like, her sort of sexual fantasy. [...] I was like, This woman is mad. She's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And sometimes you'd like feel uncomfortable reading this thing. [...] It's kind of... like a sick pleasure."
I love him. That is AWESOME! And I'm not even going to lie: I am going to see that movie, but I plan on laughing very loudly and mocking it. Because are you kidding me?!? I have a STRONG NEED to re-write True Blood dialogue in a Twilight-esque fashion.
****
"I gots a day-mon in me...." Tara whispered, undone by the beauty that was Sam, the shape shifter. "Sure, sure," Sam crooned, then forced a kiss upon her. His soft, magisterial hair belied the strength in his lips. It belied it.
***
Sookie, barely able to stand on two feet without a harness, blinked multiple times. Could this be real? Could this be happening? The solid, cold, white, pearly, hard, perfect man before her was... a vampire.
"Say it," Bill whispered, sending chills up her arms.
"I..."
"Say it!" Bill said with force and a hint of chagrin.
"I... cannot act, nor do I know how to stand properly on mah two laigs."
Bill's face broke into a smile, then, and the effect was magnificent. It was as if the sun broke through a cloudy day, as if two unicorns came charging across a field of wildflowers, as if the Lord Himself appeared before the masses, crying, "I am He and thou shalt worship Me."
"Bill?"
Bill smiled, tucking a loose strand behind Sookie's ear with clever fingers. "Yes?"
"I really am the most unlahkable person ever, I cain't stand up without falling over, I'm sour, I'm dour, and I'm convinced every boy in the world loves me."
Bill chuckled, and it was the sound of water rushing over well-worn river rocks in a quiet brook, set within a glen filled with tender animals and splashes of color set upon flowers strewn about the glade, bees and butterflies humming in the sultry air and a vampire laughing amidst it all.
"That is precisely why you are so perfect for me."
"That don't make no sense."
Bill smiled, and Sookie's heart literally stopped beating until she remembered that her heart only beat when she told it to, which is most likely what explained why she couldn't stand; she was constantly reminding her heart to beat. One look at the kind, loving, intelligent, talented, perfect, beautiful, flawless face that was Bill, stopped her heart all over again.
"Oh, Sookie, why can't you see what you really are? You are a vessel that next to, causes me to appear even more ethereal than before. I bask in your love, making me far more powerful than even you could realize. Also, I like women I can control."
Sookie fell under his gaze, filled with love, longing, and a need to marry him instantly, become just like him, and have many, many babies that might have to kill her in order to come to this earth. So be it, she felt, deep within the marrow of her bones.
"Also, The marrow of your bones smell like fresh, wounded lamb to me," Bill whispered, his firm, hard cold, marble-like, chiseled lips pressed against her ear.
They left, hand in hand, to the mud-bug party at Lafayette's, nothing but promise, chaste kisses, and many many mosquitoes in the air.
****
southernbangel is coming for a weekend visit so there will be wine, us women, fajitas, and footballs. NICE.- Spock is::
amused
'Oos dis bint, then?
- stoney321
- Laura Stone
- Hey, Don't Judge Me
Comments
Edited at 2008-11-13 01:51 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you are in for a lovely weekend as well.
I hope so! SHE BETTER NOT SCREW UP MY PLANS. hahaha.
Bill chuckled, and it was the sound of water rushing over well-worn river rocks in a quiet brook, set within a glen filled with tender animals and splashes of color set upon flowers strewn about the glade, bees and butterflies humming in the sultry air and a vampire laughing amidst it all.
That passage made me think that you should enter the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. I don't know if you're familiar with it or not. It's a contest for worst opening sentence ever.
By the way...would you ever consider doing another spot-the-Mormonism series? I have a friend who is nuts about the Enderverse, and we both have a sneaking suspicion that Orson Scott Card's beliefs creep into his series a LOT. Women lose their personalities when they fall in love, the greatest good that a woman can achieve involves getting pregnant...that kind of thing.
(She suggests the Shadow series--she says it's really blatant there, much more than it was in the earlier books. If you don't feel like science fiction and prefer fantasy, I suggest the Alvin Maker series.)
I AM NOT AN ANIMAAAAAAAAL!!!!!
I told Manly the other night that I'm sure Charlaine Harris is twitching every time the show airs. I mean, her books aren't deathless prose or anything, but they're nice, light and entertaining eye candy. This show? Hoo, boy. :P
The sad thing is that it could have been fun, sexy, cheesy vampire goodness. :( (And yet, I can't stop watching...)
Also, get out! The Publix by my house doesn't sell horrible looking pecan pies like that. ::shakes head::
I can't stop watching, either! Out of shock, mind, but still! TRAIN WRECK.
I'm a huge fan of Publix, but i couldn't think of any other grocery stores local to the panhandle. ;)
...
Mind outta the gutter, I'm talking about my nose.
I have to go get some oxygen now. Oooh. Owwie!
(Oh, and about that pecan pie? There needs to be a southern-cook-ninja team that can be dispatched to remedy such vile ills from the face of the earth. Wouldn't they be cool? Paula Deen in charge, ready to kill those deserving of death with butter and an iron skillet. Kill them to death.)
HA HA HA!!
"I like women I can control" made me snort. And, I thought that his affiliation with Twilight would make RPaz Dead To Me, and yet, every time he speaks, I heart him a little more.
I'm with you, though, on RPatz. I LOVE him now!!
You make bad fic fun! I loved this: "Oh, Sookie, why can't you see what you really are? You are a vessel that next to, causes me to appear even more ethereal than before. I bask in your love, making me far more powerful than even you could realize. Also, I like women I can control." Oh, Bill, you shiny, silver tongued day-mon stalker.
Hunny, I cain't lie: I gots a day-mon in-sahd me!
And tommorrow, I am totally going to a local mall here at an ungodly hour to get Robert P's autograph, lol. Cuz I think he's preeety. Twilight or no twilight. I thought he was pretty in HP. I have commitment to the sparkle motion, ~_^
Also, I'm disappointed in the reviews of True Blood. I enjoy the books so much! But I just cant imagine Anna Paquin as Sookie.. so I never gave the show a shot.
Have fun this weekend! :D
The books = fun. The show = utter, utter racist, stereotypical, stupid crap.
I am SO AMUSED by Robert Pattison. That's awesome and true no doubt. My friends and I are all going to Twilight on opening night. We have Team Mike t-shirts covered in glitter and rhinestones. It will be very, very hard not to mock it openly.
Isn't he HILARIOUS??? I love it. I'm totally going to mock it openly, weeping tweens or no. :D
I'm ready for Bill to go away though and for Eric to step in and take Sookie to the HNL.
Also, "Suhkeh," said Bill, and if he could speak in italics, he would have.
Prison Mike. Ahahahahaha!
And I never get tired of Jason Stackhouse's ass.
One of those series you're thinking of MUST be the Twilight series, amirite? Absolute crap. True Blood is better than that, but only by a margin, imo. Sorry!
I will say this about Jason Stackhouse: the actor that plays him is fucking gorgeous. He's Australian (does a great accent, it must be said) and is a triathlete. YUM.