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I don't know why I didn't tap the Twilight Fandom sooner. Holy crap, it's practically nothing but bad!fic. Disclaimer, Standard Issue: Just to be clear, this is about laughing at bad words, how they're put together, and over-done tropes, NOT mocking the actual author, capice?

In a heartwarming tale of family, we jump ten years in the future of Bella and Edward's wedded bliss only to find out that Renesmee, the soap opera child that grew to toddler-hood in days, no really, is going to be a mama. Dad's reaction, and if any one can explain this to me, that would be super, thanks.

“It’s just a food baby right Nessie? It better be a damn food baby…Don’t worry Bella Nessie just has a food baby…”

What the friggity frak is a food baby? Got it - it's from Juno, which I didn't see. Still, a father saying that to a daughter? *eye roll* Is that like a gummy bear? But hamburger, and shaped like the Gerber kid?

Aside from the inability to capitalize proper nouns (names, places) in the story, we have several abuses in the first three paragraphs of "their/they're." Quick reminder: if you see a big hangy down line in a word, that means letters were left out. If you don't know what that means, stop writing until you figure it out. Thx.

So, while Renesmee is 10 physical years old, she's more like 17 because she ages fast. And we're told by Jacob that She’s waited four years for you guys! So.... little baby Nessie wanted to get knocked up at SIX?! I-

People, what WRONG happened in the author's world that this is fluff?! And we have Carlisle (Edward's "father") happy about it because, aww, he doesn't have to kill anyone to make them family members! How sweet! And what about the daddy? Jacob, the boy that was in love with Bella but not really because he was in love with her ovum that would one day become the creepy Renesmee baby that he fell in love with before the cord was cut and that is the actual STORY not the FANFIC oh my god.

Jacob is so tender and in love with Renesmee and carefully wipes away her fear-tears with his thumb and d'aww. He fucked a ten year old. How sweet!

In the continuing chapter of "Please do your Biology teacher some good by paying attention to at least ONE THING she says"
"He stomach will explode and she will die. If this baby comes out larger then a 5 foot 3 woman, thirsty…ohh… we’re all in for some trouble.” He said pacing fastly back and forth."

Also, pacing fastly. Also #2, THEN. Jesus, would you pay attention, people? THEN is for talking about TIME and THAN is for a comparison of THINGS. (And there's no A in definitely, we just know that's coming up, too, right? eta: it did, FOUR TIMES. She has a "beta." Uh huh.)

In the "Oh, you're just being coy, Ms. Author" category:
"The word for my emotion at this moment was hard to find. It was dumbfounded, angry, worried, scared or devastated."

Well, you got yourself a list, pick one.

In the "Someone Is Projecting Personal Conversations From Home Into The Story" Category:

No Renesmee! You’re going to do as I say weather [sic] you want it to be that way or not!” Edward yelled back standing at the foot of the bed.
“You’ve been a spoiled brat the past ten years and for once in your damn life your[sic] going to do as we say and let us remove the baby! Enough is enough!” Edward yelled back at her.

But come on. Didn't we all have that conversation with our demanding, overly protective fathers? "I want to borrow the car." "No ma'am!" "I'm going out with Billy, and you can't stop me!" "Over my dead body." "I'm ten years old and pregnant with a monster and you are NOT going to cut it out of me and kill it!" "You're grounded, go to your room!" I think we all can identify.

Renesmee calms down and realizes that she needs her granpy and Pop Pop to cut her baby out and possibly kill it. *chin on fists* It'll be just like getting out the Bread Box! *BUZZZZ!*

(Side note: Water on the knee was always the hardest. You had to get the handle just so... Damn, I loved that game. And Sorry! Nerd moment over, thanks.)

So, the next chapter is the delivery scene, titled "Finally." I can hear the teen girl "tchuh!" and imagine the accompanying eye roll, can't you? And in the Cullen house, baby birthing means everyone gets to watch! Emmet and Rosalie (Edward's brother and sister that are vampire-married) keep commenting on how big the head is. NOT HELPING.

Renesmee creepily reminds us that she is TEN FREAKING YEARS OLD: “Mommy!! I don’t ever wanna go through this pain again!!” Renesmee said crying and pushing

And her husband, the one that fell in love with her before the placenta was birthed (take a moment, lord knows I needed it, and again, that's the ORIGINAL BOOK) is pissed that she doesn't want to do this all over again! “What do you mean?! I told you I wanted 4!!” Jacob said frantically.

Hey buddy? Take that "frantic" and birth it out your pee hole. Thanks. But the baby must be birthed. And the author has completely lost her damn mind. (I blame SMeyers, personally.)

“It’s a boy!” Carlisle screamed. And in his hands he held a small tan baby with red glowing eyes. Instead of it crying, it was howling. Everyone was laughing at the strangeness. Yet not caring because it was so beautiful.

If I may quote Jack Handy: Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

Take out flamingo and stick in freak baby birthed by a ten year old and her werewolf HUSBAND while vampires look on with a cam-corder, and it's pretty much the same thing. Especially the needing to be drunk part.

AND JUMPED UP JACK ON A PRETZEL, THEY NAME THE BABY LESTAT. Lestat Jessie Black. *head thunk* And he'll grow up to be a latent homosexual that joins scientology and pays women to be his beard and wife and be a blockbuster star! Or maybe work at Carvell serving up Willy the Whale cakes, you never can tell these things.

“Why the hell do animals hate on me?!” Emmett asked in fake sad way.

The house then got filled with roars of laughter…

I just don't even know, you guys.

He had this olive tone skin color, a thin body, flawless face, beautiful honey colored eyes, and long shaggy black hair like his fathers Oooh, Renesmee's been creepin', y'all! (It's subtle, I'll give you a second if you need it.) Also, after three weeks, the baby is now a teenager. Of course.

The "I don't know what the hell I'm reading now, and what many many psychosis the author has at this point. Yes, I said this wasn't about the author, but WHAT?????" category

Lestat was running on the same path as I was he tripped on top of me with his four legs sprawled out. His fluffy face was twice the size of my head. He had on his fathers Wolfy grin and licked my whole face. I stayed there like that attempting to put my arms around him. A hug from a grandmother to a grandson. Emmett noticed us and walked slowly to our side. He sat down into a pretzel position and said “Dude. Not the best place to leave your clothes…” Lestat’s huge eyes widened and he got off me and ran back towards the house.

“Where’d he leave them?” I asked Emmett.

He sighed nodding his head in disapproval of Lestat’s actions. “On top of Alice’s porche…”

“Oh dear… Come on! Let’s go! I have to see this!” I said like a little girl wanting to go to the carnival.

1. creepy naked grandchild that is full grown laying on top of Bella. Licking her.
2. gramma skipping like a child about to see the carny freaks, of which, technically, she is one.
3. everything about this. EVERYTHING.

I didn’t see Lestat’s full body till he stood up and what I saw had to be taken pictures of. He was wearing a purple and pink cocktail dress with black open toe stilettos.

I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THE TRAIN COMING. And here we are, in a completely new trainwreck. Huh! So it turns out that the Volturri (the vampire Pope and his entourage, again, from the ORIGINAL STORY, not the fanfic) are going to show up and kill them. Edward makes a "sad face." Waaah, *eye rub like a child* I'm sad they want to burn me. :((( ;;;;( or whatever the shit the kids are doing now.


Edward [...] caressed my face which was caked in blood but he didn’t care. He kissed my lips as good as all the thousands of past kisses.

“I’m so lucky to have young looking grandparents. ‘Cause if not it would be so nauseating to watch you two make out. “ Lestat said with both his arms on each of our shoulders.

“Shut up, Les!” I said jumping on my 6 foot 5 grandson to kiss his cheeks one billion times.

My guess is you'd chafe after a few million, but then, I'm not a sparkle 'pire. Maybe they're chafe-resistant.

Her beta wrote a companion piece. And there's a new Cullen, described thusly:

I’m the mall girl but I’m not that preppy like they are. I’m more of a punk rocker. I have the short black hair with soft waves in it. I also have black nail polish on my nails. I have thick lips, a big ass, and average 38lb breasts. I also wear black, red and purple make up. I’m also the bad ass chick but I can be nice. But I still love fashion. I was in “Hot Topic” with them looking at the accessories.</i>

UH: AVERAGE 38 lb breasts. I think she meant 38 B cup, but still, is that average? And she wears black, red, and purple makeup. She's on a Tim Burton movie? I just don't even know about humanity most days...

From a My Little Pony (it's not like I read that stuff except to find the crack, okay?) RPG where they get to be vampire and werewolf ponies that own a strip bar...

"Lilly turned her body in a coy motion for he to reach for his kiss'es turning the water to warm. The water was almost ready. The room was dim with warm smell of cherry candles. Lillies face looked a tad nervous but excited.

Gene winked at the male guard outside smoking. The male rolled his eyes as he began to talk a walk around. Gene twirled his hat back on his head and walked behind the guard tapping his hooves playfully. The girls sqweeled as they saw him " OMG !!!! ITS GENE KELLESTER ! " the girls that sqwelled ran towards him hugging him , asking him to dance for him.

Lotus was now giving vald a bath. As lotus herself was in validus'es quaters huge bathing room. Almost swimming around with her child.

WHAT. What the hell did we just read together, y'all?? WHAT IS HAPPENING!? *tears hair*

Gud Summries

This version: Rainbow Brite. There's a fandom. For Rainbow Brite. Of course there is. Also included is My Little Pony fandom, natch. Every one of these is simply C&P'd into a list, a la mctabby's Summary Executions for HP fandom.

  • What happens when Rainbow Brite suddenly flips her lip?
  • At the worst time possible,Stormy feels alone and goes through a personality crisis, just when the princess comes back. Sequel to "A Deeper Shade of Blue" Altered with a prologue and an apology.
  • Find out how Iraq obtained chemical warfare. (remember: RAINBOW BRITE. Those damn Color Kids and their nuclear proliferation program!)
  • Ever wonder what happed to the color kids? Well this will tell you the days of their lives with intresting twists and adventures.
  • Upon waking up back in Rainbow Land, Rainbow is determined to go back to Earth, to try and make sense of what happened while she was there. She is also determined to find Chad again
  • Year: 2012. Earth. Buddy blue is having a normal run of the mill routine, when he see's a dark haired girl in trouble. Why does she spell trouble for him? (Warning: this fic may contain hints of something dark in later chapters. Be aware!) (And now I'm picturing the Golden Girls: Sicily, picture it: 1912!)
  • sunlight thinks her uncles could use a little something special
  • Well, this is a poor excuse for a pointless poem. I'm not kidding, read it for yourself and see. You will agree with me that it really is!
  • With the help of her sidekick Twink Rainbow Brite struggles on to defend Colorland from the forces of darkness.
  • ponies attack pony world in a city called ponita. will the other ponies win? (quite possibly my most favorite thing ever typed)
  • When the Dark Rainbow kills the beloved of one of the Champions of the Rainbow of Light, she turns against both gods of Ponyland for revenge. But you cannot kill a Rainbow!!
  • What was my life like when I wasn't in Ponyland? Well it sure wasn't a fairy tale,thats for sure.
  • It's always been that a rainbow pony is born under the rainbow, but what happens when two rainbow ponies have childern? When a babe is born, it sends ripples into the pool of knowledge already achieved.
  • This is a G3 story, but not based on Hasbro's videos at all, so please consider it an alternate universe if you've seen them. :) Some "female" ponies are male.
  • Basically this is a crossover of My little Pony and Battle Royale. Possibly the worst and greatest story ever told... Well at leats thats what my Crazy Jewish Friend Emily Says... I Loves me some Jews... (I'm sure they're happy to know that?)
  • Baby Brightbow learns that Christmas is Jesus' birthday, but will she able to buy Him the perfect present?
  • AU Nightsong has been charged and her punishment is to be banished. But Nightsong had the uncanny habit of breaking spells one her, and surrounded by unicorns she's about to find out the hard way what living really is.
  • Questions are raised, answers aren't given, and the new M.A.I.D. isn't even mentioned.
  • For as long as anyone on earth can remember, to stare at the sun causes blindness. But what if the sun also held the answers to stop a famine?

Funniest comment I've ever read to a fanfic: "When I was a little kid, I dreamt that I got into a fistfight with rainbow brite on the lip of a volcano, and we both got thrown in as a result. I think that's why I'm gay."

And lastly, and I do NOT say this lightly: DO NOT CLICK ON THIS if you value a) your brain, b) your sanity or c) your childhood. All of that is gone for me, now... WHAT AM I LOOKING AT HERE?! I think I'm ready to swallow a cyanide pill tonight, you guys. My faith in humanity is almost gone. That is... that is elaborate.

And don't you know those people are the kinds that can't get it up if one element in this elaborate play isn't working? "Look, if we're not going to have a glowing finger on ET's dick-hand, then I'm not going to come. Figuratively and literally."


This is what happens when LJ goes offline for a day. Don't blame me, blame the cold weather and my inability to focus on NaNo.


( 65 comments — Leave a comment )
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Nov. 18th, 2008 09:58 pm (UTC)
For once, I'm actually going to listen to your warnings and not click.

I mean, the rest of this has already hurt my brain beyond measure.

38 lb breasts. Owww, my back.
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:02 pm (UTC)
AVERAGE 38 lb breasts. I can't imagine what non-average must be.... YOW.

Um, the click. Yeah. Don't.
... - tricksterquinn - Nov. 18th, 2008 10:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:05 pm (UTC)
Take out flamingo and stick in freak baby birthed by a ten year old and her werewolf HUSBAND while vampires look on with a cam-corder, and it's pretty much the same thing. Especially the needing to be drunk part.

AND JUMPED UP JACK ON A PRETZEL, THEY NAME THE BABY LESTAT. Lestat Jessie Black. *head thunk* And he'll grow up to be a latent homosexual that joins scientology and pays women to be his beard and wife and be a blockbuster star! Or maybe work at Carvell serving up Willy the Whale cakes, you never can tell these things.

I'm snickering at work, desperately hoping to not have to explain why. This is the fandom that just keeps on giving.

Edited at 2008-11-18 10:06 pm (UTC)
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:09 pm (UTC)
Well, you know what the motto of Twilight's fandom is: Twilight means never having to say you're kidding.
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:17 pm (UTC)

oh dude. The very first time that I have to write Renesmee on a birthday cake? There will be real tears. And possibly rending of aprons and work shirts.

and i know the day is coming.


Nov. 18th, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC)
Oh, you just KNOW that you're going to get those. And Edwards. And Bellas. Jeeeeeez.
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:19 pm (UTC)
I think "food baby" is supposed to be reference to Juno.
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:42 pm (UTC)
??? Yeah? I never saw that, so it made no sense to me.
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:38 pm (UTC)
Yeah, "food baby" is from the land of tiny, skinny teenagers. As in, they eat so much (four Doritos, and handful of M&Ms and a iced mocha - such a heifer!) that they look pregnant. Barf.

And OMG. I nearly ruptured something important reading that! I've missed your badfic posts. :D My favorite has to be, "Altered with a prologue and an apology," because at least someone is COURTEOUS with their badfic. The Renesmee one owes me an apology...
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
I think I need an apology for the picture I linked to. I think the whole WORLD needs an apology for that one. Whoa.

(And thanks for the head's up on food baby. That was one I didn't feel overly compelled to go see, truth be told.)
... - abusing_sarcasm - Nov. 18th, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 18th, 2008 10:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - spikendru - Nov. 19th, 2008 08:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
All I had to do was move the cursor over the link to see "ETpron", and I knew better than to click.

I'm actually thrilled you had a Bad!Fic post for us today. I got linked to "Immortal" (Ultimate Crack HP fic) through another list, and the BAD has been on my mind ever since.

Although, today's offering from you leaves me with mixed feelings. Is truly "Bad" Twilight fanfic even possible? I mean, the original source material is already a poorly written ode to child molestation, stalking, and necrophilia. I'm not sure that the fanfic can really be much worse. As a matter of fact, your previous Twilight analysis has convinced me that Twilight itself is nothing more than a Book of Mormon Bad!Fic.
Nov. 18th, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
(OH, but I kinda want y'all to click! BUT NOT. But I do. But you shouldn't. Click it.)

you know, I don't think I've read "Immortal," so feel free to share if you're so inclined. :D

AHAHAHAHAHA- Twilight is TOTALLY that. Or rather, it's Joseph Smith/Stephenie Meyers Mary Sue insertion RPF. The Book of Mormon, of course, is AU Bible fanfic. ;)
... - maybe1ce - Nov. 19th, 2008 01:59 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 19th, 2008 01:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - minstrel666 - Nov. 25th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 26th, 2008 12:14 am (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 18th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
I have no idea what's going on in that freaky ET thing, but the fourth screenshot's caption reads "they are not savage that their customs..."

It's so good to know that they're being gentle with him...wouldn't want any rough sex to hurt our poor space visitor.

(Boy, my Portuguese teacher would be so proud right now.)
Nov. 18th, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
Obrigado! I didn't recognize that as Portuguese, so thanks for the translation. Not that it helps the images any, just...

It looks like our intrepid alien is enjoying herself immensely, which is nice. At least no one is dressed up like Gertie...
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 19th, 2008 12:25 am (UTC)
...I think they have ET as female. Not to take away from the horror, just, you know. BLECH.

Aww, thanks. I'm glad my spazziness can entertain you. :D And Smeyers is the DEVIL. THE DEVIL, I SAY!!!
Nov. 19th, 2008 12:35 am (UTC)
Oh Christ , I clicked! Damn-it Laura I clicked. Yikes....

Now, I think I'll take my 38lb boobs, bleach out my brain and move to Ponita.
Oh Bad!Fic I love you.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:39 pm (UTC)
I'll join you in Ponita on one condition: no one, and I mean NO ONE will dress up as the Black Stallion to just "see how the other half lives." Cool?
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
OMG, ET porn! Hahah, I clicked, oh yes, I clicked. I don't even want to know what inspired THAT.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:39 pm (UTC)
Isn't that just the worst!? Who thinks that is hot, number one, and who GOES ALONG WITH IT, number 2?!?!?

Jeez-o Peaz-o.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
Ok, so this was all fucking insane (how glad am I again I'm old and the internet was not invented when I was 12?) but the jumping up on a pretzel thing threw me for a leap. I thought he was on a real pretzel and really could NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING. In the rest of the quoted fic I could read through the bad to understand, but in this case I really thought of a baby on a pretzel and was out of my mind.

Now back to watching Generation Kill to save my brain.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
Ok, I forgot to mention that the image of the Operation dude fucked me up so hard I linked it to people in chat over and over w/ the caveat "how fucked up does this look as a grown up????" It's funny because my mom's a doctor (insert "how jewish ARE YOU?" jokes here) and when I was a kid we played Operation endlessly and my three favorite toys were: Operation, the Playskool version of the dr's kit, and Hungry Hungry Hippos.
... - stoney321 - Nov. 19th, 2008 01:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
OMFG CRIPPLED CHRIST ON A CRUTCH WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ET? *yanks out dreads* I can't even . . . there are no words . . . E fucking T what is wrong with folks?
I missed your bad fic. Now my face hurst from laughing. Twilight the gift that keeps on giving.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:40 pm (UTC)

Twilight means never having to say you're sorry! Oh, it truly is Christmas a month early. :D
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:25 am (UTC)
Lawd, Miss Scarlett. That author don't know nothin' bout birthin' no babies.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:41 pm (UTC)
Looks like somebody 'bout to lose a perfectly good mulatto vampire ass baby roun' he'ar!
... - stoney321 - Nov. 19th, 2008 01:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - lynnenne - Nov. 19th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Nov. 19th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 19th, 2008 04:00 am (UTC)
Hey buddy? Take that "frantic" and birth it out your pee hole. Thanks.


Also, where are more of these summary executions? I know mctabby has done a bunch for HP but they're like potato chips: you can never, ever get enough....
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:42 pm (UTC)
Whoops, that's who I meant, not the other hilarious HP person, whoops! I did some for the buffy verse, just hit the tag, if you're interested. They don't have the scope of the HP verse, but can anything?!?!
Nov. 19th, 2008 04:16 am (UTC)
I clicked, and am now queasy, no joke. Really, everyone should learn to listen to the Stoney, including me! Blargh.
Nov. 19th, 2008 01:43 pm (UTC)
I couldn't put a stronger warning on it if I tried!!!!

But seriously: isn't there a small part of you that is glad you did? Curiosity sated? Now you've seen everything? ;) *pets pets pets*
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( 65 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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