Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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I have nine pages to write up. Oh my god. This is a placeholder, I'll add all my "notes" under a cut once I've got them all figured out. The AUDIENCE, good lord. The movie: eh. The audience? Had to have been nothing but Twi-moms.

This is just my typing from my notes, there aren't any photoshopped macros. I will say, though, that the ones I made for the books will still apply to the movie. As in, some of the pictures/people I chose look A LOT like imagery in the movie, which I find hilarious. :D

The audience wasn't a sell out, but I was glad to see that, as it was ten freaking o'clock in the AM. The audience, however was 98% ladies over twenty: a menagerie of cat collectors, tea fanciers, ladies dissatisfied with their husbands, women that call their husbands "hubbies," and of course, lonely girls. Two men, one of them kept getting up (and I can't blame him) and a group of three kids - boy boy girl!! - that were clearly in junior high, which made me mad at their mothers for letting them slough off school to see this movie. What if today had been the day they figured out how to cure cancer, but instead, they watched Sparklepire: The Movie?

These folks were giggly, giddy, filled to the brim with Diet Coke and dreams, waiting for the physical manifestation of their ideal demi-god, Edward Cullen.

I, however, was sitting in the far back corner, my little blue pen light in hand, a notebook, and a pocket full of malice. Actually, those were just sour balls. But still.

A couple of girls came to sit right in front of me, and I swear, they dressed up FOR EDWARD. Dripping with perfume, touching their hair, and arranging themselves just so in their seats. And they weren't the only ones. I got a good look at the crowd, and all the groups were just overwhelmed with excitement. I flashed back to when Star Wars Ep 1 came out, and the audience was filled with geeks (like me) oh so excited for the Star Wars world to start back up again. I still say the geek crowd was cooler.

I have a little note I scribbled during the HP 6 trailer: I ♥ Ron Weasely. Hahahaha. It's true...

So when the movie finally started up, the audience was cheering and squealing with delight. Every single time a character from the book was introduced, there was applause and giggles of joy. Really, ladies? Didn't everyone see the promo pics? I'm just a sour old biddy, never mind me. I did, however, laugh when Jacob and Billy, the Quilute Indians, showed up because Jacob had the worst wig I've seen in a while, and everyone pushed Billy around in his wheelchair. Guys? His arms work. Most people in wheelchairs can care for themselves, I thank you. I guess they did this instead of having everyone carry Bella around? Huh.

I loved that Bella never Mormon Cussed, which is to say, she never took the Lord's name in vain. "Oh my gosh!" when everyone else was throwing "Oh my god!" around. That's just something I always pay attention to, since it was hammered in our heads growing up. We get to meet all the kids at school, and they at least cast Mike as a total Weenis.

Another note written hugely: I HATE THIS AUDIENCE. They were just frothing in their bits wanting to jump into the movie and BE a part of it. Calm down, ladies, it's a flick. Plus, it doesn't even have Collin Firth in a wet shirt, which makes it a fail as a romance in my book. Ahahaha.

When fandom and RL intersect: Bella is wearing a shirt on her first day that I SWORE read "Growing Up Cullen" on the back, but it did not. (Wouldn't that have been freaking awesome?) Her introduction to Edward was the most cheesetastic thing EVER. This is the stuff of parody, and yet...

She walks in, past a fan, CUE SLOW-MO. The fan blows her hair in a becoming manner, which wafts her scent to Edward. Who looks like he's trying to go #2 in his pants. He's all, "Ew, what's that stink? Me? Whoops!" Except for how vampires - like nice girls - don't poop. Cue the creepy stalker music!

(Every time Edward is near her, thinking of her, looking at her while appearing constipated, they play this very ominous stalker music. Apropos, no?)

We have all the crap from the book: everyone is in love with Bella, she's so awkward, she falls (I kept a tally, 3 falls with the hint of a fall that is used as a cover story) and loads of manufactured UST. Boy, if you could convert the UST into energy, that would single-handedly solve the energy crisis.

Basically, all the problems with the book are the problems with the movie. WHY are they together? Just because of her smell? Good lord. There's no character development, there's no real interaction, they LITERALLY LAY NEXT TO EACH OTHER in a flower-strewn meadow and stare into one another's eyes. And this, of course, makes them fall in love. Riiiight.

Obsession: noun, a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

I have to discuss the SPARKLE, because oh my lord in heaven. I heard people whining about this after the movie was over. He didn't sparkle like they imagined!! It basically looks like Edward took a powder puff of glitter to himself. Where were my damned rainbow sparkles I was promised?! I wanted him to shine brighter than the top of the Chrysler Building! Instead, it's just lame and actually hard to see, and yet we're told how this is SO OBVIOUSLY VAMPIRISM that that he can't be around others when the sparkle comes. Uh... whatever, dude. I've seen more glitter on the mustaches of dudes in the bathroom at a gay club. I'm just saying.

Bella says, "You're beautiful" and here I am thinking he just banged some club chick and didn't bathe, or something, and Edward replies, "This is the skin of a killer."

*holds sides, laughing*

I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard. [Every movie should have a Jame Gumb moment.]

Oh, I forgot! When Edward is first shown on screen, the ladies in my audience MOANED AUDIBLY. I swear, one woman was having an orgasm. Jesus please us, take a chill. And they get a close up of his Golden Orbs, the music becoming soft and romantique, and all I can think of is how RPatz just looks stoned and constipated. Which he probably was.

I really need someone else to notice this, by the way. When the van comes to act as a plot device, you can see the indent happen BEFORE Edward's hand goes in, right? Just me? I'm pretty sure that's what I saw. Hmmm.

When Dr. Cullen (the vamp dad) came on screen there were wolf whistles and "Rawr!" and squees from the crowd. Really? He looks like someone faced in him some ground up talc. The makeup used to make them all look pale is pretty bad. It's like they weren't prepared for HD or something. (You use different make up for HD, incidentally.) It's all pancake-y and chalky and you can SEE the lip liner on the boys. Not that i have a problem with guys in makeup, just...that's not what they intended.

Stalker Alert Count: 1! She's dreaming, all moany and writhing in her bed, a shoulder bare (scandale!) and he's standing there! OR IS HE? She thinks she dreamed him, but we know better. YIKES.

Stalker Alert Count: 2. Edward doesn't even pretend to not be listening in on her conversations, then doesn't apologize for that being really intrusive.

Fall tally: 2, she slips in a greenhouse and the audience falls apart laughing. "Oh, I'm just like that! My my, I can barely walk on two legs!" and on and on. What the hell has happened, people? I'm completely surrounded by morons, that's what.

It's all about how chicks dig the bad guy because they can change him. They'll make him good! Edward even tells her "I'm the bad guy," and Bella declares him good, so that problem was solved straight away, way to build the tension, er, completely DROP the tension. And of course, "women" want a man to be so focused on them, so into what their inner needs, hopes, and desires are, that they can't stop fapping to the idea of a beautiful boy that can READ MINDS, has nothing to do but worry about them, has all the money you could want at their disposal, and isn't into sex. "You're like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroin."

Did you see 30 Rock last night? With Liz Lemon wanting to start a relationship at the 12 year point so you know all the stuff and have none of the sex? THAT is how you make that no sex/companionship concept work. This stuff is just... self insertion in the completely non-kinky way.

SPEAKING OF SELF INSERTION, SMEYERS IS IN THE MOVIE. Bit part, at the cafe, orders a water, or something safe. These women were besides themselves with delight. IT IS THE MAKER! SHE IS HERE TO GUIDE US! *violins*

Hilarious things that weren't intended to be so:

  • The Victorian Cullens feeding on people where the men are dressed like costumed Dandies. Why, is that a Fancy Lad, I spy? They all have the same hairdo as in modern days, which cracked me up to no end.

  • Victoria, the bad vampire girl, is TOTALLY DRESSED like Ginger Spice, and I swear, that's the funniest thing to me. I nailed it, in other words. Ahahaha. Ahem.

  • Bella and Edward are constantly staring into each others eyes, and this is the "love" being born. You know what? I just don't want to look into ANYONE'S eyes for an extended period of time. I have books to read, you know? Sheesh.

  • Bella is just as bad a friend in the movie as in the book. Pay attention to others, what? I have a boy to look at intensely, I thank you!

  • the VAMPIRIC RUNNING. So fake, so odd and awkward looking. You can tell they're on wires being pulled forward. What's the deal with vampires not being able to demonstrate their speed without it looking corny? I'm looking at you, too, True Blood.

  • everything sinister or sexy is in SLOW-MO. So we can really tell what's happening? Who the hell knows.

  • the lack of kissing for the most part. Oh, they want to, we know it from the music, from their lips being kinda close and they look constipated, and then dance away from each other. The actual kissing, it must be said, is actually hot. RPatz is hot, and Kristen Stewart is a good actress for what she's been given, so there you go. Something nice. *G*

  • Alice is TOTALLY BJORK. Guys, whatever, I called it. Oh, so funny. The actress had a great moment, though, at the end, when Alice has Bella's blood on her hand and she kinda quivers her hand under her nose and looks intoxicated? That was a nice touch.

  • "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." <- Bella, after mooning over Edward in the wildflower meadow. Their one date. Good hell, this is so BYU dating style.

  • when Edward plays his cheesy "song" (a series of chords ascending and sescending, um) for her, all I could think of was his earlier composition for Sarah Palin, and him singing "Boom de yadda, boom de yadda" with a hint of love and longing in his sweet, dulcet soprano... (Hahaha.)

Stalker Alert Count: 3. Bella gets off the phone and there's Edward, all eyes boring into her and tense faced. No, that's not creepy.

"Do you do that a lot?"
"Just the past couple of months."


The women were CHUCKLING, like, oho, that Edward! What a scamp! Let's be honest: do you want someone with super keen eyes, sound, and SCENT staring at you all night while you slept? Don't act like you haven't Dutch Oven'ed the comforter, not to mention the sniffs, the weird scratches, the drool... NO ME GUSTA.

He finally kisses her, and I swear to god, I have just witness 200+ women climaxing in unison. I will say that I was impressed they had Bella in her panties and a tee for that scene. Smeyers always had her chastely wrapped in many blankets. That was hot, but COME ON, people. There's hotter stuff out there, I swear. (But then, for the target audience, this is smoking hot. PG fare pushing PG-13.)

I cracked up that the music during the "Vampiric Baseball" scene was Muse, her muse. Get it? Oh, she's a fun one, that Stephenie Meyers. I like the song, too, dammit. The baseball scene is just what you imagine it to be: boring and forced. Alice (Bjork) points her toe into a high kick to pitch the damn ball. Remember, in the book she doesn't walk, she dances because she's so graceful. *head desk*

Then it's ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! The bad guys show up, Brad Pitt Lite, Lenny Kravitz wanna be, and Ginger Spice. They all start to rumble, which means to these vampires that they need to crouch low, look pained, and growl. But of course there's no fight, because that would take away the drama of the end! The Helms Deep, if you will, and you will. (LoTR shoutout, geek cred represent!)

Some women STOOD UP and APPLAUDED during the final battle scene when Edward comes to save Bella from Brad Pitt Lite. I mean... didn't each of them read the book? They gasped like, "Oh my god, he made it!!!" And I was reminded of the audience at The DaVinci Code and how they gasped at the "reveals" there, and EVERYONE READ THE STUPID DAMN BOOK. Also, that may have been one of the lamest "mysteries" ever needing solved. I'm just saying people can be stupid, that's all.

It's the Battle of All Battles (it lasts for about 2 minutes, start to finish, uh...) and Bella gets bitten, and Edward has to SUCK HER BLOOD (like a proper vampire?) and it's so touching, you guys, because he wants her SO BAD but he has to fight his bad nature and what is going to happen!?!?!?#?# Women in the audience: sniffing back tears because of the romance. I guess. Wow. Really? Really. REALLY???? There are so many romance movies out there and THIS they cry about? femmenerd and I mentioned "Wings of Desire" the other day and THAT is a great movie. (The original Wem Wenders verison.)

Jesus, "Valley Girl" is a better romance. Plus, that was when Nicholas Cage had his own hair. Hahahaha.

Oh, in case you were worried, Bella lives and we have Stalker Alert Count: 4. It's mentioned that while Bella is recovering from her "accident" Edward never leaves, "he's always there." Let a girl recoup, why don't you?? And again, let me say that there is NO VISIBLE REASON for these two to love each other, except that the movie tells us they do. SHOW, don't tell. But then, this is the fault of the source material, K. Stewart is giving it her all. She just doesn't have much to work with.

They have prom, and it's the lamest prom ever, and who the hell has prom in someone's HOUSE? It's a small town, sure, but come on. Fancy it up, folks; there has to be a boutique hotel or something in town! The women in my audience are SOBBING during a slow dance and when Edward makes it clear he won't turn her. 50s music plays, they slow dance and chastely close-mouth kiss and it's all so pure and loving, and THE END. Or is it?!?

Applause, applause, the audience is eating this UP. The movie overall isn't completely terrible, much to my (snerk) chagrin, but it's not great, either, not by a long shot. If they didn't have the two leads that are in it, it would have been laughably awful from start to finish, my guess. But the problems I have with it are based on the source material, which... Yeah. It's utter crap. The director made a pretty looking movie with a good soundtrack (dammit) and the actors try (except the kid that plays Jacob is so repugnant to me. That awful wig!) but the love story itself is so forced. It's truly like mediocre (or bad) fanfic. meh.

Things that bother me: it's not a truly BAD movie (see: The Room, or Troll 2). By which I mean that if someone else had written it, it could have been really good. Which means that Twilight wouldn't have existed, because it exists to suck. Har har. Vampires are sex; here they tried to be sexy, but the damn source material is such a cock block! Little choices by the actors in some scenes were really nice, like the aforementioned Alice sniffing the blood bidness. The actress that plays Jessica was cute and appropriately bubbly for a small town girl, and had an Amy Adams quality that I liked.

Oh, there's an art piece on the wall of the Cullen house of nothing but graduation caps, and I loved that. I actually looked really cool. Pretty much the things that are awesome are because of the director/actors, not because it had anything to do with the book. The best stuff was written FOR the movie, which should tell you something.

Eh, it's okay for tweens, it doesn't have all the subtext of religious dogma like the books do, so take it for what it's worth. Also, Smeyers already got her payout, so you don't have to worry about proceeds from the tickets going to her tithing payment, which in turn goes into the kitty for passing shit like Prop 8. Just don't buy the books and you're clean :)

All in all, K Stewart does admirably with what she's given and has fabulous hair, and Rpatz is pretty, even with lip liner. :D

...they are making #2, right? How the hell are they going to do the blank pages? Hahahaha, my money is on the screen going dark. For like, three minutes. Then they'll do that fade in with noises like when a scene has someone waking up from a coma, and the screen will be blurry and then focus and we'll be informed that four months have passed. Let's start a betting pool! :D

[ETA] Forgot to mention that I stood in line for tickets behind some giggling women, and when I got there, I asked the tall, pimpled teen forced to work on this most horrible of days for "One for Trainwreck." And he laughed and got my ticket without me saying any more. :D

[ETA 2]; From this interview with SMeyers on her input with the movie: "I didn’t want to get in the way and make it worse" !!! Ahahaha! Watch it, you're digging your hole deeper!
Tags: movies, sparkle!

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