Due to our ongoing ice storms here, I spent yesterday re-watching all of Seasons 3 and 4 yesterday of IASiP and this idea wouldn't go away. It's been a long time since I've wrote fic, and an even longer time since I tried to write balls-out funny fic. I got my fingers crossed on this one. Throw your boundaries out the window before reading, please. Links to watch full eps are in the A/N, btw.
Title: Dennis and Dee Go All The Way
Fandom: It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Summary: The Gang will do anything for a fast buck.
Spoilers The show doesn’t really work like that, but I’d say up through the McPoyles holding the Gang hostage.
A/N: This is TV-MA, but the family that actually enjoys this sort of thing isn’t the Reynolds. Also, if you’re not watching this show, why on earth not? Is it because every single person is reprehensible, dishonest, and antagonistic? Pfft. That’s what makes it so funny. Twincest is implied, as is mutual non-con, just try and figure that out. It's nothing that isn't already implied in the show, though.
* * *
On a Wednesday
* * *
“Hell, yeah I would.”
“Charlie, are you trying to tell me that you would drink an entire quart of motor oil for a hundred bucks?”
“Dude, I’ve done that for nothing, a hundred bucks would just be gravy.”
Charlie popped the cap off his beer on the counter top and pointed it back at Mac. “Okay, okay, your turn. Would you eat a urinal cake for a grand?”
“A thousand- a thousand bucks, man, would you do it?”
“Eat a urinal cake?”
Dennis came around the bar and joined Mac and Charlie at the booth.
“I don’t know about a thousand dollars, I mean, is it used?”
Charlie thought for a minute. “Yeah, it’s used. It’s a month old.”
Dennis and Mac both reared back with looks of disgust on their faces.
Mac shook his head. “No less than three thousand, I’m not an idiot.”
Dennis took a long pull off his beer and waved with his free hand. “Do me, do me. My turn.”
Mac and Charlie sat thinking for a minute; Sweet Dee came back into the bar wiping her hands. Charlie’s face lit up. “Would you do your sister for three thousand dollars?”
Dennis turned in his seat and watched his sister lean over the bar, swinging her hand back and forth to try and reach a towel laying over the bourbon bottles, her shirt soaking up a spilled beer Dennis had left on the counter.
Mac leaned in, intense. “Ten thousand.”
Mac and Charlie looked at each other and smiled. Dee walked over and sat down next to Dennis. “What’s up, boners?”
Mac put on his business face. “Sweet Dee, what do you think about getting paid ten large to do a little something.”
“Hey!” Dennis was affronted. “Trust me, it’s not little.”
Dee ignored her brother’s preening. “What do I have to do?”
“No way. Uh uh. That’s disgusting! Also, I think it’s illegal outside of Tennessee.” Dee got up and poured herself three fingers of whiskey, reconsidered, and dropped the shot into a mug of beer and downed it.
“Dee, you’re being selfish,” Mac joined her at the bar for another beer. “Ten grand. You’re going to throw ten grand away for what? Something dumb like not boning your brother? I’ve never heard of anything so selfish. What about us, Dee? What about our dreams? Charlie? You ever hear of anything so selfish?”
Charlie flew out of his seat and over to them at the bar. “Dee, dammit, come on! You can’t always be the useless one.”
Dee’s jaw dropped. “I am not being selfish! Besides, Dennis doesn’t do anything for me, he’s not my type.”
Dennis sauntered over to the gang and whipped his shirt off, flexing his lean but lithe torso. “Dee, that’s ridiculous. I’m every woman’s type. You’re not even making sense anymore.”
“I’m not making sense? You’re the one that wants to do me!”
“See?” Dennis laughed sadly and threw his hands in the air, then pulled his fists down, flexing his biceps. “Guys? She’s being ridiculous, right?”
“A complete dumb ass.”
“Oh, I’m the dumb ass, Charlie? I’m the dumb ass? You‘re the one that eats out of the dumpster.”
“That’s perfectly good food they’re throwing away! You‘re the one throwing away ten thousand bucks, dumb ass!”
Dennis tried to get control back of the conversation. “Dee, let’s be honest here. No one wants to ‘do you,’ least of all me. And guys,” he begrudgingly turned away from his reflection, “make it twenty Gs and I’m in.”
“No! Nobody’s in! Nobody’s getting in!”
Mac patted her shoulder in what he thought was a soothing manner. “They haven’t for a long time, have they?”
“That’s not true, I-”
“Hey what are we talking about here?” Frank walked in, zipping his pants up.
Mac moved over to make room for him. “Dennis is going to bang Sweet Dee for twenty large.”
Frank adjusted his glasses, his gaze fixed on his former children. “Who’s your agent?”
Dee tossed her empty coffee cup into a trashcan on the street corner. Charlie threw his behind his shoulder without looking.
“Hey!” some stranger yelled out.
“All I’m saying is, you’ve gotta keep an open mind about this.”
“Oh, I need an open mind.”
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
“I need an open mind. You want me to bone my brother. That’s sick!”
“Was it sick when Leia kissed her brother?”
“Actually, yes. His face was all jacked up.”
“Okay, then, was it sick when Princess Diana had those two mutants with Prince Charles?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
Charlie stopped in his tracks. “Aren’t they brother and sister?”
“I thought all those royal types were like, related and that’s why they looked like that…”
Dee rolled her eyes and kept walking. Charlie caught up with her at the next street corner.
“Okay, famous brother-sister ‘duos.’ Donnie and Marie-”
“Oh, they were so doing it,” Dee conceded.
“The Carpenters. Those tennis chicks, I swear to god, that one is a dude, I’ve been saying that for years.”
“They are n-”
“Every one of those Brady bunch kids were banging, you know that, right?”
“Those kids in Flowers in the Attic.”
“That was a book, Charlie.”
“What’s the difference? Oh! Oh! The Arquettes. There’s no other way to explain it.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that one.”
Charlie looked up at Dee with a huge grin, his hands out and open. “See? See? Come on, we can do this!”
Mac was rubbing Dennis’ shoulders while giving him a pep talk.
“You know you’re going to have to get shit-faced to go through with it, right?”
“Hey, that’s my sister you’re talking about!”
“She’s not the easiest on the eyes, bro, you know it. I mean, we‘re talking about The Aluminum Monster, naked.”
Dennis gave a small nod, his face queasy.
“So here’s the plan. I serve up the booze until you’re almost blind, we get Dee to wear this,” he held out a paper bag, “and Frank records it all for posterity.”
Frank, his back turned to them, gave a curt wave as he continued rigging up the tripod for the camera. The over-head lights were already in position behind the bar.
“Boom! Pay day,” Mac punched his open palm hard. “Okay, buddy? We got it all covered, what could go wrong?”
Dennis nodded, a small smile on his face.
“Charlie, cut it out. I’m not doing this!”
“Dammit, Dee, come on! Can’t you think about someone other than yourself?”
Charlie stood impatiently in front of the door until Dee held it open for him. He breezed past her and slapped his hands flat onto the counter.
The Waitress rolled her eyes and sighed. “You just came in here.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Charlie flailed his hands in the air. “Is there some kind of rule about me buying more than one cup of coffee?”
The Waitress pointed to a piece of paper taped up to the door that read:
Charlie Kelly is only allowed
One coffee per hour on my shifts.
And he has to drink them outside.
“What is that? What the shit is that!? Okay, you wanna play like that? FINE!”
Dee paid for her coffee, took a sip and followed Charlie to the door. “I’m not having sex with Dennis, I don’t care how much you offer me.”
“Wait, who’s having sex with Dennis?” The Waitress had Dee’s elbow in her hand and a mixture of panic and excitement in her eyes.
Dee looked the Waitress up and down.
Charlie looked between the two for a minute then shouted, “Oh, no! No way! NO WAY!”
Dee’s face broke into a mischievous grin. “Oh, I think way.” She smiled down at the girl and put on a sweet expression. “How would you like to have sex with my broth-”
“-er? Alright then! Be at the bar tonight by 10. And don’t dress so slutty.”
The Waitress looked down at her cardigan layered over a tee shirt.
“Dee, this is NOT happening!”
“Oh, it’s happening.” She turned towards the bar and crossed the street, all the pent up frustration of being the lesser twin fueling her determination.
“Come on, Dennis, you’ve only had fourteen beers, you gotta have at least twenty in you before you attempt this.”
The bar was mostly empty with the exception of two homeless guys shredding some of Frank’s documents in a dark corner. Mac had set up a bed with candles burning on stands around it, and Frank had the camera mounted on the bar.
“I think I’m gonna need a few more, too,” Frank pulled a bottle of bourbon from behind the counter and drank straight from the neck.
“Frank, they’re not your kids anymore, what do you care? Dennis, I need you to focus,” Mac grabbed Dennis by the shoulders and held him up. It took a second for Dennis’ eyes to lock onto Mac’s.
“Dennis, now I’ve put some costumes back in the office for you two to wear. Why don’t you go back there and put yours on, Dee should be here any minute, and then it’s Go Time.” He sang a bass guitar lick while thrusting his pelvis in the air. “Dude, this is going to be so hot.”
“I don’t know about that…”
“Frank? I don’t need you editorializing. Dennis? Here, take this,” he shoved a water glass filled with vodka in Dennis’ slack hand. “Drink up buddy, you’re about to become rich.”
Dennis staggered into the back office. Charlie and Dee came in arguing.
“I can’t believe you’re going to-”
“If you don’t shut it, Charlie, I’m not going to give you a cut!”
“Oh, I’m getting a cut!”
“For what? I’m the one that has to have sex with Dennis! It’s my money!”
“I’m getting a cut of something, god dammit!”
“Ho, ho, you two,” Mac had his hands out to defuse the fighting, “I’m trying to set a mood here. Charlie? Get the lights. Dee? I’m going to need you to put on a little number I picked up for you down at the prison-”
“Oooh, good call, Mac. Prison pornos are hooooot,” he finished in a high, sing-songy voice.
“Thank you, Charlie. Dee, go put on your little outfit and don’t forget the, you know, “ he waved his hand in a circle around his head, “the bag.”
Dee rolled her eyes. “Okay, sure. Yeah, I won’t forget that. I’m just going to go outside for a bit, catch some fresh air, you know, find my center.” Dee closed her eyes, pulling her clenched fist in the air down to her waist. “I’ll go in from the back.”
“Yeah, he will.” Charlie laughed and grabbed Mac’s beer from him, downing it. “Where’s Dennis?”
Mac fiddled with the gels taped over the lights. “He’s in the back, dude. He’s getting into his outfit.”
Charlie snapped to attention. “He, uh, might need some help with that. I’ll just, you know, check it out. I’ll just go back there and see if someone doesn’t need a little of the Charlie Magic.” He waggled his fingers in the air.
Frank waited until the door closed and pointed at Mac, “I told you, we gotta drug that one and dump him by the river.”
“He’s your kid, Frank, you do it.”
“Okay, you go in there, put on the outfit hanging up, put this, “ she handed the bag to the Waitress, “over your face, they’ll think it’s me, and then you get to do my brother!” Big satisfied smile.
“This is really weird.”
Dee cocked an eyebrow at her and took a swig from her bottle.
“He’s really in there waiting to have sex with you? Me? You?”
“Give me the bag.”
“Dee, did you get shorter?”
Fortunately, the bag muffled the Waitress’ voice. “Uh huh. I mean, I took off my heels.”
“Whatever, just… get on the bed and… try to look sexy for once.”
She tried to hop to the bed as gracefully as she could, but the leg shackles were making it hard.
“You know what? Just lay face down on the edge of the bed there.”
“Oh, good idea,” Frank said. “Those prison uniforms have back doors, anyway. Saves the laundry guys time from all the mending.”
Dennis leaned against the wall, trying to stay upright. He couldn’t bring his leg up high enough to pull off his shoes without falling. He couldn’t keep his eyes opened long enough to find his leg, either.
Charlie held him up, led him out of the storage room and into the office to lay down on the small sofa.
“Shhh. It’s okay, dude. You don’t have to do Dee.”
“But… ten thousand… twenty large, Charlie. I gotta. Bang Sweet Dee like a screen door. I gotta take one for the team.”
“You’ve done enough, buddy. You‘ve done enough.”
Charlie laid his hand on Dennis’ head. He really did have amazing hair. Charlie made a mental note to hoark whatever product Dennis kept in his apartment.
“I’m taking this one.” He stood and unbuttoned his jeans and reached for the prison guard uniform and paper bag.
“Why are they both wearing bags?”
“Frank…” Mac sighed. “He wears one in case hers breaks, don’t you know anything?”
“Oh, right. Okay, people, let’s saddle up and get this show on the road!” Frank pushed a button on the tape deck behind the camera and Bryan Adams’ “Have You Really Ever Loved A Woman?” filled the room.
Mac’s jaw dropped. “What the- Frank, come on! This is a hot prison porno, you can’t have romantic music playing! It’s gotta be something like Anthrax or Dre! Some god damned ball-draining rock-n-frickin'-roll!”
“I’m the one calling the shots here, and this is the song that my not-son is going to bang my not-daughter to, alright?”
“Why do you get to be in charge, it was my idea!”
Frank leaned away from the camera. “Are we gonna sit here and argue, or are we gonna make some magic?”
Charlie shouted from under his paper bag, “MAGIC. Let’s make magic, I wanna make some magic!”
Mac grinned, “Dennis, I always knew you wanted to do her, man that is sick. You are so going to hell, bro” He clapped his hands together once. “Lights?”
“Camera!” Charlie shouted.
“Dennis, you’re really revving’ to go, man! Aaaaaaaaaand, ACTION!”
“Charlie?” The Waitress whispered.
“Nope! Not Charlie, let’s do this!”
Sweet Dee downed her ninth beer and smashed the bottle in the middle of the alleyway. “They juss… they don’ unnerstand, is all. Who does…” She almost lost her footing but caught the door handle just in time. “I can’t,” she made a circle with one hand and poked her index finger in and out of it, “ Dennis. I juss… nope. “
She made her way into the back office and slumped onto the sofa. Dennis moaned and shifted; she had plopped onto his legs.
“We gotta do it, Dee. We gotta. Twenty thou man. No, twenny thousman… Men? What is it?”
“But Dee,” Dennis struggled to sit up, “this time we’re getting paid for it!”
“Shh!! You promised we’d never talk about that!”
Mac was strutting around the bar, whistling “We’re In The Money” the next day. Charlie came in humming Bryan Adams.
“No way, dude, the three times Dennis asked that to be played last night was enough. What was with that guy, anyway?”
“What… what do you mean?”
“I think he really does love Dee. Biblically. That was some tender fucking shit. Well, until he started spanking her ass with that serving tray. I never thought Dee had a such a round ass. She always looks like an old lady that spent her days sitting, you know what I mean? Pancake butt, right?”
“No! No! That wasn’t a round ass, that was a nasty, skinny ass. That was a Dee Ass.”
“I don’t care, dude, I’d bang that ass, that’s all I’m saying. I’d need the bag, though.”
“Oh, of course,” Charlie agreed.
Dee came in wearing thick sunglasses. Dennis was right behind her already popping some aspirin and wincing from the sunlight outside. The guys whistled lasciviously. “Hey, hey, if it isn’t the dirty rotten sister fucker! What‘s up, bitches?”
Dee fixed them with her most disgusted glare. “Shut up. You two watched. It was your idea.”
Dennis slumped into a booth holding his head in both hands. “I really did it?”
“You sure did, dude, you went to town on her!”
“Mac don’t be disgusting.” Dee left to get a clean apron from the back.
“It was totally hot. I mean, disgusting, because you know… But man, you are one sick dude!”
Dennis looked up at Mac wearily. “So where’s my money?”
Mac looked at Charlie, confused. “What money?”
“My money! My twenty thousand dollars?”
Mac laughed. “Dude. Where the hell would I get twenty thousand dollars? I never had any money.”
Frank came in looking pissed. “You’re never going to believe this. I took the video we shot last night to this guy I know;”
Dennis interrupted, “You took the video? Wait. What guy?”
“I gotta guy, that’s all you need to know. So anyway, I told him I had this hot video of a dude banging his sister and he tells me that he can’t use it because you covered up your faces.”
Dennis spit out the water he had been trying to swallow. “What?”
Charlie quickly followed suit to keep up appearances. “What do you mean? He said it was hot, though, right? I mean, the quality wasn’t in question was it? The guy, uh, Dennis had skills, right?”
“He didn’t even look, Nimrod. He said he’s got his hands full of videos coming to him every day from those dudes you know.”
“What dudes?” Mac asked.
“These dudes.” Frank pulled a DVD case out of his coat pocket and dropped it on the counter. On the cover were three very naked bodies, three bodies that desperately needed to be covered up. Pale, pasty, covered in a slick sheen of sweat and what looked like it could possibly be milk, two brothers with mono brows, tighty whities, and 70s style bathrobes were licking the feet of a thin, pasty, sweaty young woman with a matching mono brow and what appeared to be a Tweety Bird shirt rucked up around her rib cage.
The cover read simply, “The Sweet Smell of McPoyle: Part 18.”
Dee had entered the room while they looked over the picture. She peered over Dennis’ shoulders and dry heaved a few times. “That’s it, I’m out of here. Later, boners.”
Mac sat back and ran his hands through his hair. “You think they’ve done any prison-style ones?”