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I got a care package from crazydiamondsue yesterday (side note: she wins because I got NOTHING FROM NO ONE. When I'm famous and on a book tour discussing my latest Oscar win, she'll be carrying my purse. IN YOUR FACE. Note, she won't be carrying my purse in your face, unless she wants to. That's her right as the winner of who can show someone online that you've never met - we have, though - that YOU LOVE THEM MOST. Ahahaha. Um, I'm being funny. And weird. And tangential. I'll stop. dovil will laugh at this. Or I'll know the reason why. O_O)

Care package. It consisted of:
  • one box of Sweetheart Conversation Hearts, the TWILIGHT VERSION. They have some that sparkle. I am not making this up. Except, it's not real sparkle, it's like glistening sugar that is dulling from the powder of the chalky candy getting bung up. I loooove conversation hearts, so I do not care about this. The box has Facts On Twilight on the back. It also says in mysterious print, "Try these Forbidden Fruits Flavors" and that plural fruits bugs the hell out of me. Flavors are "Orange Obsession," "Tempting Apple" (I see what you did there), "Secret Strawberry" and "Passion Fruit." OooooOoooh, tres romantique!
  • Tissues! One Gay Pride set and one Punk Chick set with pink skulls. I felt bad ass wiping my nose with pink skulls at Target yesterday. lml -_- lml
  • a paperback version of "I Like You" by my hero, Amy Sedaris. Seriously, if I didn't have any sense of decorum or self, I would stalk her and make googley-eyed threatening letters written on pantyhose, wrapped around cheese balls, and lob them through her window. And you know? I think she'd like that.

In conclusion, Sue rocks and that made me very happy and I laughed, holding my upper lip still so things didn't... pull. I'm still a bit tender. :) <3 <3 <3

It is FINALLY going to not be windy and yucky outside for the next few days, and my wee plants are starting to pop up and I'm so happy about that. Note to newbies: I'm a (former) master gardener and in spring there's a lot of "Ya, Gardens!" talk this way and pictures. I swear I'm not 80. My peach and plum trees are starting to bloom, and that makes me glad. It also makes me sing a song I've sung since I was a babe, "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree" which was learned in LDS church, and I'll never, ever be able to escape it.

I completely shut down writing on my book over the past few weeks, totally bummed at lack of feedback from the people I've sent copies to, or negative feedback (only from one person, but still. Gasping in horror hurts to hear. I've since sucked it up.) I've been trying to figure out why the hell I'm writing this in the first place, does it have any place in the actual world of publishing, or should it just be something I've written and get to keep on my hard drive. I think I'll spend the rest of my convalescence working that out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have sparkle food to laugh at. And eat, because come on: candy.

[ETA] for those that live in Philly and want to see my horror movie Blood on the Highway featuring Nicholas Brendon and Tom Towles, as well. The Backseat Film Festival will show BotH at 9:30pm this Friday - free beer to every one that goes, too! NICE.


( 60 comments — Leave a comment )
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:06 pm (UTC)
"I Like You" (the giant hardcover version) is the lone "coffee table book" at our house. That probably says something to people who come over. I'm not sure what, though...

And do the Twilight hearts say things super-cheesy things like "Eternal Love" and crap? Because that would be awesome. :D

Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
It says that you are AWESOME, that's what. Please tell me you have an eye burrito. And the hell of it is, SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT GOOGLY EYES. They make everything better.

THEY DO! They say "soul mate" and "bite me" no, really, and "secret" and "with you." With you? WTF? LAME.
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:12 pm (UTC)
OMG "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree!" I hadn't thought of that song in AGES and now it will be stuck in my head all day long. Oh well, better than "Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam."

Dammit, now that's stuck too.

Also, I am sorry - and a little bit freaked out - to hear you got negative feedback on your book. Please don't stop writing it, though! I know that I would definitely love to read it someday. Also, I hear that a lot of really excellent stuff gets rejected over and over again, so please don't give up.

Just out of curiosity, did you send it to a publisher or to an agent? I've been leaning toward sending my stuff to an agent, because a friend of mine is having some serious issues with his publisher that, had he not had an agent, would have left him totally screwed. (The whole world of publishing scares the crap out of me.)
Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
And when you sing "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" you have to shout "BEAM!" just like when you were in Primary. :D

Someone found a word I used to be offensive, even though I purposely used it in the perjorative to make a point. (I called something "gay" but in the "lame" sense, not homosexual. I made a joke out of it, and still think it's funny in the framework, I have to say.)

I haven't sent anything out to agents/publishers yet, because a)I'm skeered and b) I was having trusted friends that are mostly pro-writers give me feedback/beta advice.

I'm def. going to work with an agent if I can get one, though. Everything I've been reading leads me to that conclusion, including this comment. The great think about The Writer's Market (get it, if you don't have it!) is that it breaks down agencies, their genres, what they're looking for, how to contact them, etc. Now to get brave enough to send it to one... :)
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
"Secret Strawberry" is totally code for vagina. Think about it.

"Joseph tasted her flesh gently, caressing her hills of love with his strong, yet soft hands. He wafted his tongue at her silken skin and, as delicately as a trickle of dew sliding on a leaf, bent down and licked her secret strawberry."

Regarding this and other comments: yes, thesis writing is making me yearn for more literary projects.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:29 pm (UTC)
See, this is why we work so well together. i TOTALLY AGREE that secret strawberry is her lady hole, too.

"and Joseph prayed fervently as her secret strawberry caressed his passion fruit, filled to bursting with the righteousness of the love they shared. 'O My Father, grant unto me the UNNNNH GUH! *splut*'

And he left her in the meadow, the dew of his love on her sweet hillocks."

...you just can't take me anywhere.
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC)
That Sue, what a suck-up. She'll never top my bottle of tequila which started you on the road to ruin. When you die in a puddle of your own vomit I can point to your smelly corpse and say, "I did that!" And tabloids will pay me millions to tell my story.

Who have you been sending your book to? Publishing-type people?
Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:47 pm (UTC)
JESUS, I KNOW. And pfft, you gave a gift that speaks to the very essence of me: BOOZE. I think we both know that the person who kills the other person ultimately wins, amiright?

I haven't sent my book to agents or anything, just some people I know in RL that are writers. I did get feedback from one of them, and as she's a writer for the BBC (and used to write for NY Times) I really value her thoughts. She's talking about adding some more personal stuff and re-organizing the chapters, which makes sense. But the other people I sent it to? Zip. Nada. It just disheartened me. I'm being a titty baby, in other words. :D
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:51 pm (UTC)
has the appropriate icon and everything! WIN

My secret strawberry twinges in excitement over your eyeliner. Full makeup - hey, there I am!

Oh, honey, I don't mean you there. I sent it to you after I had already sent it to a few people. (RL people that are honest-paid writer-types. They're the ones I'm all emo about.)

Mmm, black raspberry. Sonic had a blackberry Sprite (it's kinda related, work with me) a few months back that made my whole mouth sparkle. This is the mouth of a killer, Sue.
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC)
You know how you can get M&Ms made with custom sayings? There has GOT to be some way to get custom Twilight Hearts. Because I want some that say:


The possibilities are limitless.

And, Yes, I, too have "I Like You" as a coffee table book. I also own all of "Strangers with Candy" on DVD and have all of brother David's books in Hardcover and in audio on my iPod. I wish to be adopted by the Sedaris', if only for one cocktail party.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 05:55 pm (UTC)
If you could get the box of your personalized M&Ms to read "This is the candy of a killer" I think that would be the best thing ever, yes?


needs to be on the list, too.

Amy Sedaris is my all-time fave. I want to BE her. And once I kill her and wear her skin, I'll have won. DO YOU HEAR ME? Ahahaha. I'm right there with you on how much freaking fun would a cocktail party with those two be?? When I'm down I look at "Wigfield" and feel good about life. <3
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
Oh, I love conversation hearts, and the Twilight tie in is just perfectly awful and awfully funny! I would have totally thrown some into the mister's lunch bag (though he wouldn't have gotten the irony at all, and just thought, "Mmm, chalky"). How lovely to get such a thoughtful get well package. It makes me feel thoughtless indeed.

Thanks for "Popcorn Popping" getting stuck in my head. "I looked out the window and what did I see?" Hummity hum hum hum...
Mar. 3rd, 2009 06:18 pm (UTC)
Did you see Amy on "The Closer?' She was hysterical.
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear you get bad response on your book. :-/ From what I have read on your comm, it is amazing. You shouldn't give up on it. Seriously.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
It was just the one response, and then... radio silence. I don't know which stressed me more. But you know, this is what all writers go through, no one just sits down, writes something, and then immediately gets acclaim, so I need to suck it up and quit being such a baby. :)

Thanks for the support, I do appreciate that so much. <3
Mar. 3rd, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
one box of Sweetheart Conversation Hearts, the TWILIGHT VERSION.
oh dear.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
Apparently there are 5 different boxes so you can collect them all. Uh...
Mar. 3rd, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
Grrr. Now I have *angst* about the candy. I don't want to support more sparklepire stuff, but on the other hand it'd be a great snack to have on hand when Twilight hits dvd this month...

Maybe I'll just buy some more food glitter and make things sparkly myself.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 07:44 pm (UTC)
(they actually taste horrible. Stick with the proper conversation hearts, I say.)

Make your own sparkle food! Glitter covered sugar cookies in the shape of lips with fangs! :D
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
Oh no! I totally didn't laugh because this is a Very Serious Thing, like your various addictions. She successfully bought your love! :( Damn it, I knew I should have posted that glitter unicorn lamp when I had the chance! When you pull it's tail it's testicles light up.

I've been trying to figure out why the hell I'm writing this in the first place, does it have any place in the actual world of publishing, or should it just be something I've written and get to keep on my hard drive.

Are you shitting me?! This book is both INFORMATIVE and ENTERTAINING which means that people will be chuckling along and then go OMG I HAVE LEARNT SOMETHING AND MY WORLD HAS EXPANDED! You're the Jon Stewart for the Mormon World dude, so if you don't get it published I will fly over and punch you in the nose and you can use the tissues from your internet BFF, who I bet hardly ever seeks to get you the professional help that you need, to wipe your sinuses which have detached from your head away.

Okay? Okay.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
Until you kill me, peel my face off and wear it, you'll never be #1, now. She set the bar high, yo! (Side note, I just got back from the post office - your package should be there Tuesday. Sorry it won't be there on Friday, but I'm lazy and just had surgery. GOOD GOD, did you want me to hobble to the post office swathed in badages? Probably.)

YOU HAVE GIVEN ME HOPE. I'll have enough Vicodin leftover to not notice the punch in the nose you'll give me, so that's a plus. My sinuses are detached, just like my liver. I found it just to be easier to cart it about with me in a pouch than feel it pulsing in agony in mmmy abdomen. I know you'll understand that. It's like a Camelback for bikers, but it's my liver.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
I have "I Like You" in hardcover because I am hardcore, yo.

p.s. Masturbation Cake should TOTALLY be a recipe in that book. I'm just sayin'.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 08:38 pm (UTC)

It should be in that book! I'm surprised she didn't have a chapter on that, too. Her little Jimmy Worm with googly eyes for a vibrator. I can see her having that.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
*blinks* Twilight conversation hearts? That's sort of fantastic.

I'm sorry to hear your bummed about the feedback on your book! From what I've read of it, I've found your perspective and your stories fascinating, so I do hope you continue.
Mar. 3rd, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
Isn't that!? They're horribly awesome.

I'm sucking it up and not being an emo titty baby and pushing through with the book. I think we all do this at some point as authors, right? Er... right? ;)

(Did I miss out on wishing you a happy birthday?! I HOPE IT WAS GLORIOUS, TOOTS. <3 <3 <3)
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Mar. 3rd, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)
I LOVE Sedaris' latest. Well, to be fair, I love every one of his books. His humor is right up my alley.

Aww, my Anne-girl. That's why you're my buddy. <3 <3 <3
Mar. 4th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC)
Aaaaaaaa nononononononono do not stop writing your book I know I'm one of the slackers and I'm sorry! :(

I've been sidetracked by the Second Round of Visa Documentation. Not the best excuse in the world, but I haven't forgotten about your book, no no no!

How's this: Monday, you get chapter 1 with all kinds of deeeeetailed comments? And then more chapters on an ongoing basis!

(Also: laughing very hard at SparkleHearts, and hoping you continuie to recover quickly!)
Mar. 4th, 2009 01:39 pm (UTC)
You are one of the slackers?!? But I keep going back to that paragraph you wrote me in your NOTES. :D So see? You are not a slacker, miss priss.

But detailed notes for me to bite and chaw on? I LOVE THAT. (My two main slackers are my BROTHER IN LAW (comedy writer) *cries* and one of my buddies in the film world that's a screenplay writer by trade, novelist at heart. He's had the damn thing since DECEMBER. He also met a new girl about the same time. I'm doomed, I tells ya.)

Sparklehearts! Have you ever heard of such a ridiculous thing? Ahahahaha. You continue to be a shining example of AWESOMENESS, L.
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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