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That's it.

i am NOT going out in this kind of wind any more. No, really. I had to stop THREE TIMES to catch my breath and keep my gorge down, I was working so hard just to keep moving. I've been hitting a solid 9 minute mile (walking) and today that was shot to hell. Well, about 10 minute miles today. Nonetheless, I came back cranky and fussy and starving so I just polished off a homemade McMuffin (two egg whites, slice of cheese, toasted whole wheat English muffin, mmmm) and washed it down with some cold apple juice and I'm starting to feel less homicidal. But seriously, yoga, squats, sit ups, napping, Olympic level channel flipping... all to be done in my house and all not out in the horrid wind. You may have gotten the best of me today, wind, but I'll harness you to bend to my will yet!!

I need to figure out what to cook for Zombie!Jesus day, and everything must have a reanimated theme. Twice-cooked potatoes would work, rare lamb... Hmm. Feel free to link me to any and all zombie-themed recipes you may have. :D

Speaking of, I link to this next thing every year, but this year I'm re-working the lyrics slightly and posting it under the cut.


Easter! (Sung to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller.)

(1rst)
It's close to three days and something holey's lurking in the cave
Under the moonlight - without his death no sinners can be saved
The Sadducees - they claimed eternal life to be forsaken
The Pharisees - the jots and tittles scales over their eyes -
He will arise!

(chorus)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
And nothing's gonna save Judas from swingin' from a Rowan
Yes, He has risen! Easter Morn'!
He's gonna take ya soul - eternal - ever - lastin' Glory!

(2nd)
You hear the boulder slam (bam!) and realize there's nothing left inside
You feel the cooold linen and wonder was he really God's Only Pride?
You close your eyes and pray that this is just imagination (yeah!)
But all the while - you're thinkin' of Moeshe, Coen and Schlomo -
You've been a ho! (oh no!)

(chorus)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't no second chance from He who fasted forty nights girl! (hooo! hooo!)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't Eternal Life for a killer - sinner - unborn!

(bridge)
Legions will crawl
And Lazarus will walk with resurrection...
There's no escaping the reanimated Rabboni
He says you won't die
Echo: He says that you will not die.... (hoo!)

(3rd)
They're out to get you - evangelists surround your every side
They will possess you, "The Watchtower" - your actions it will chide
Now is the time - for atheists to bond so close together
The Born Agains - they won't accept that some do not Believe
They'll make you see!

(chorus)
That He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
And He can save you more than any Buddha'd ever dare try! (Hooooo! Hooo!)
'Cause He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
So let them dunk you down into a river, bathtub tonight!

(Vincent Price "rap")
Darkness falls across the land
The nine inch nails driven in His hands
Soldiers pierce in search of blood
To prove His life now is mud
And whosoever played not nice
And denied Himself not once but thrice
Must stand and face the public's scorn
And live their life most forlorn
The foulest stench was in the air
The funk of two thieves not giv'n care
He shambled out of sepulchre gloom
To seal the fate of sinner's doom
And though you fight for your own life
He wonders, "Goest thou... wither?"
For no mere mortal can do without
Zombie!Jesus - Eternal Life Giver!

(maniacal laughter, echoes out)

In my mind, when I make a real-action video to this, the apostles will do the shamble/slide/overhead clap dance and Peter will bite the head off a rooster before it can crow three times. And Jesus, his hands still bleeding, his head still mangled from the crown of thorns, has a kind of crazed look in his eye as he laughs, "Goest thou...wither?"

But that's just how I roll. :D Blasphemy FTW!

I'm making pumpkin muffins today even though what I WANT is chocolate. I am completely surrounded by a lack of chocolate, however. WTH? I should buy up all the leftover Easter candy on Monday....

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
brunettepet
Apr. 2nd, 2009 04:30 pm (UTC)
It's blowing 25-35 miles an hour here, gusting up to 45 mph periodically. Ridiculous! i keep hearing small branches hitting the roof. Who wants to be walking around in that?

I love your blasphemous Easter ditty, and the picture of Zombie!Jesus there at the end has me laughing.

I got nothing for a re-animated meal.

I should buy up all the leftover Easter candy on Monday.... That's my plan.
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
It turns out we were having wind gusts of 50mph - when I left the house the weather report was half that. BAH, I say. A few more weeks of this crap then it's nice and still and hot like Zombie!Jesus intended.

I'm gong to be all over those chocolate bunnies, I tell you.
mosrael
Apr. 2nd, 2009 06:28 pm (UTC)
theanticraft.com did a Dia de los Muertos issue a while back, and I think there's a recipe for edible bones made of polenta. I prefer the bacon issue myself, but it's all good. :)
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:12 pm (UTC)
Oooh, I'll go check out their recipes, perfect! Thanks so much for the tip!
turnonmyheels
Apr. 2nd, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
you're such an evil genius. Am copying and emailing to an off LJ friend who will laugh his ass off.
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha, glad you laughed! Man, I wrote this years ago, tried to submit it to McSweeny's, but their email system kept bouncing me out. Oh, well, it lives again on LJ.
treebee
Apr. 2nd, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC)
I have no suggestions for zombie!food, but isn't Easter a week from Sunday (4/12)?
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC)
Yep, I'm just getting organized as I'm the usual host for holiday gatherings in my fam. I keep thinking it's Monday - the Monday of the future. Maybe I'm time traveling?!
treebee
Apr. 2nd, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC)
Part of me is ok with it being next Monday because this week would be OVER! But the other part of me is all AHHHH at it being Monday again without the benefit of a weekend! :P

I read the Jack Chick Tract you linked to in your next post and I don't think it was the plan for the reader to laugh after the dramatic suicide reveal, but it was really too absurd.
kseenaa
Apr. 2nd, 2009 07:47 pm (UTC)
Easter here starts 9th of April. :-) When does it start in the US?
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, I have no idea, I'm not religious. I just know it's the Sunday after this upcoming one? I just like the food and chocolates.
kseenaa
Apr. 2nd, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
Oh, I very much agree about that! :-D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC)
Oooh, inquiring minds want to know what kind of cookies?! NUM.

Carrot cake is perfect for the season, I think. I just really loved that spiced chai cake and want an excuse to make it again. :D
kiltmama
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
zombie themed recipe
Well, it's not really reanimated, per se. But it is called Lazarus Chicken Salad and one of the ingredients is Miracle Whip...i'm just sayin...

http://www.recipesource.com/fgv/salads/16/rec1678.html
stoney321
Apr. 2nd, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
Re: zombie themed recipe
MIRACLE WHIP! Oh, that's perfect, I didn't even think of that!
gabzilla
Apr. 3rd, 2009 01:50 am (UTC)
are they fishers of BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS?
Bwahahahahaha!! The Vincent Price rap made me lose it! Well done, very well done :)
stoney321
Apr. 3rd, 2009 11:55 am (UTC)
Re: are they fishers of BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS?
Ahahahahaha, YAY! Glad you laughed at it, hooray!
halfmoon_mollie
Apr. 6th, 2012 08:10 pm (UTC)
(((helpless laughter)))
lynnenne
Apr. 6th, 2012 11:41 pm (UTC)
HOW did I miss this when you first posted it? AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
stoney321
Apr. 7th, 2012 01:41 am (UTC)
LYNNE! I have no idea! I LITERALLY link to it every single year. Ha! <3
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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