Note: this is me typing into a window. There could be random errors. It's LJ, not my dissertation at Cambridge, dig me? *G* Crack ahoy-hoy!
Area 5, Louisiana Kingdom
January 6, 20--
Greetings and Felicitations, Fellow Vampires,
I am Edward Cullen, my family and I hail from Forks, Washington, currently. As we tend to stay together [outings, family meals, board games, clothes shopping, craft times] we didn't realize that the outside world had organized in such a manner as to have Kingdoms! Interesting. Do you not pay any form of allegiance to the Volturri? I'll have to consult with our patriarch on these new and exciting developments in our world. We believe that we should honor the laws of the country to which we claim citizenship, even though we also believe in a higher law, of which I am about to explain.
As much as I would love for this to be a personal email, I fear that I have drawn the short-straw, as it were, and must instead send a letter of complaint. Tales of your family's exploits have reached us here in the mighty, misty forests of Forks, tales that have saddened us greatly.
We Cullenses feel very deeply that our plan of salvation for this eternal life we all strive to have, is the one true path. This plan, we believe, has been lost through the centuries and unfortunately, our kind has fallen into darkness. We seek to help all of our fellow brethren into coming back into the light, both figuratively and literally.
You see, you [and I use the general 'you' - feel free to pass this amongst yourselves] are more than you could ever know. We are all golden, glittering, loveable children of nature, and as such, we do not need to destroy that which is around us in order to thrive. I am speaking, of course, about humans. We Cullenses have been enlightened: if we only eat animals, specifically predators which are smaller in number than their prey, thus helping nature maintain a balance, our blood lust is sated, we can control our urges, and better yet, our eyes become the butteriest of golds, our skin shines and sparkles like hard-packed snow on a bright winter's day, and our love for one another becomes pure and eternal.
My father, brothers and I would welcome the chance to visit you in your home for a series of lessons [there are six in all] that will show you just how special you really are, and how much of your eternal life is at risk by continuing to live the [un]life you have currently chosen.
I must warn you in advance. In addition to not eating humans, you will also have to give up your alcoholic place of business, any dealings with "loose" women, you must curb your tendencies to use coarse and strong language [it inhibits a pureness from entering your body] and there is to be no more viewing or participating in any suggestive, lewd, lascivious, or violent entertainment such as magazines, movies, television shows, or books.
But the rewards that you will reap! Not just the sparkling skin of our kind and warm, molten gold eyes, but you will be able to walk in the sun and not burn, to be amongst humans and not desire them. And best of all, you'll never sleep again! You shall have all the more time to develop your talents, such as playing the piano, learning crewel work, knitting, perhaps working on cars for the men, or cooking for the ladies. I know that we don't eat human food, but it's a wonderful skill to have, should you find yourselves spending time in human company. This past year, for example, I've perfected a cheese soufflé and have taken to tending a small herb garden; it relaxes me so. My heightened sense of smell delights in the peppery notes of rosemary, the lemony essence of verbena.
My father has created a storyboard version of our talks with pieces of felt - it's ingenious, really, and if you happen to have a large easel, that would save us from having to carry ours while riding our bikes. (We find that to be a most invigorating exercise!)
I hope you are able to read this letter with love and hope in your heart. We intend to bring more of the same into your lives, and leave this with you with all due respect.
With great hopes of meeting you soon, and while we are cold in nature, I am warm hearted - figuratively - towards further correspondence and remain,
Your Brother in Spirit,
"Forks, Washington" [aka Bon Temps/Merlotte's
Area 5, Louisiana Kingdom]
January 23, 20--
Dear Edward [if that is your real name],
My master has bade me to answer your long-winded missive as he is too busy making scads of money, having sexual relations with whomever he wants, and drinking long and deep from the best drink there is, and it isn't milk.
We have suspicions as to who this really is, and I have to say that this is the best joke I've heard in a long time, Sookie. Where did you find the mailing service that would post mark your letter from another state? That could come in handy when dealing with Mississippi or Nevada; Eric commands you tell him everything you know about this service.
Speaking of Eric, I cannot believe you'd rather screw a were than him. I've had both and believe me, Eric is better. Much better. Humans have never been known for their intelligence, however.
I have to go, the fools expect me to hiss at them tonight. Call Eric, I'm tired of his moping. I doubt he'll mope for long, if you catch my warning.
Yours, although I'd prefer to be your delicious brother's, panther or not,
Area 5, Louisiana Kingdom
Under protection of Sheriff Eric
& Queen Sophie-Anne LeClerq
January 24, 20--
Dearest Pamela of 'Fangtasia,'
I'm afraid you have confused me with this "Sookie" person, although I am having a difficult time accepting that as a real name! I've known Brighamenies, Starleens, a Beafea, and four VulvaMaes, but Sookie? That is almost too ridiculous to believe. What humans won't name their children!
But I digress. My dear fellow vampire, I was most sincere in my desire to help you and your family achieve a proper, happy, peaceful eternal life instead of the mockery of joy that you must be feeling currently. Until you can know the depths of sorrow, you cannot know the glorious heights of joy awaiting you, eh? I admonish you to allow my brothers and I the opportunity to help you seek the light, again, both figuratively and literally.
I simply do not know how to address the matter of "screwing" and weres. I have no "carnal" knowledge and prefer to keep it that way until I find my true mate for the eternities. Also, we Cullenses do not use that sort of language. Profanity is the effort of a feeble mind attempting to speak forcibly. It saddens me to know that you think so little of yourself that you resort to using language such as you've displayed simply for attention. You are worth more than you know, sweet Pam.
Please. Do me the kindness of taking a few moments out of your busy schedule and reflect quietly on the subjects I've talked to you about. The humans call this prayer, but I simply call it my 'quiet mind' time. Reflect on the choices you've made in your [un]life. Isn't there room for peace?
I'll be here in Forks waiting to hear that you will let me share with you the joy my family has found. I've taken up calligraphy again [modern pens are so impersonal, although the multi-colored gel pens can be fun for doodling] and making my own paper [out of pulp from the pine trees behind my home - what's the point of having strength such as we without using those talents to greater use?] so I do look forward to further missives from you and your family.
All the best, and a hope for a new [un]life for you and yours,
February 10, 20--
I called Sookie earlier [have you not heard of a telephone? I know some of us cling to the old ways, but for hell's sake, phones have been around since the late 1800s! When the hell were you turned?] and she clearly knew nothing about these letters, so I only have to assume that you are for real.
That being said, are you for real??
You don't EAT? Well, you do, but you are in possession of the stupidest, most puerile thought processes I've ever encountered, and I work in a bar for humans. You only eat predators? So you know nothing about basic eco-systems and how if you are going to eat animals, you should eat the ones that multiply quickly? I'm a predator and I know to respect other predators, you doddering fool. I should rip your throat out and spill your blood on the ground before a pack of wolves - actual wolves, not the pretend wolves weres claim to be - for such idiocy.
I doubt I would even be fined by your King; he might even pay me for ridding his kingdom of such dolts as your family appears to be. And I cannot believe that you fell for the Volturri's scam. You know they're the Vampire equivalent of the humans mafia, yes? They've been convincing newly turned vamps with no protection that they're the rulers of our world for centuries. I've never heard of anyone buying into it for long. Three, four years tops. Please tell me that you've not been under their thumb for more than four years, that is just too delicious.
I think I'll buy myself a sheep and name it VulvaMae, that's a fitting name, don't you think, Virgin? A virgin vampire! I've never heard such a thing. Now that I think of it, this has to be a joke. Except we vampires don't tend to joke about that... No self-respecting vampire would hint that he was a virgin. And while many have learned how "sweet" I am, far more have learned a different lesson. If you ever deign to speak to me with such familiarity again, you'll learn the latter, minion.
That being said, I simply have to see you in person - are you hideously deformed? Is your whole nest that way, and you've given to calling it "glittering?" Some horrid skin disease caused by a maenad or prolonged exposure to sunlight, perhaps?
That must be it since you claim that you walk into the sun. A vampire in the sun! It is simply laughable. I'd say for you to pull the other leg, but I'd have to kill you for touching my leg in the first place. I do not wish to inherit your horrible, shimmering skin disease.
I'll make arrangements with Anubis to fly you and your family here - we might call Monday night "Freak Night" and display you and the rest of your ilk. Humans love that sort of thing. You'll have to submit to Eric, of course, and you won't be paid. We'll keep you fed, however.
Be prepared to arrive at the Seattle airport with your coffins and entourage for a 1:00 pm flight on Sunday next if you agree to these terms.
You have to be seen to be believed,
Pam, A Proper Vampire
P.S. You ride bikes? As in bicycles? Oh, that is rich. Do they have squeaky horns and baskets? Next you'll be telling me you do drive cars, but it's a family car, like an SUV with extra safety features. Ha ha, like a Volvo or a minivan!
February 12, 20--
How it saddens me to read such foul language from a lady; it is so unbecoming of your sex. My quiet mind time has been devoted to nothing but wishing that your heart [metaphoric, of course] would turn, that your mind would be opened to a new and happier way of living.
That being said, I do wish to answer questions you posed in your last missive. I was turned just over 100 years ago when I was 17. I am ashamed to admit that I did live wildly for ten years after my Becoming. I spend a portion of every day regretting and repenting that time. How long will my heart [metaphoric heart] suffer with guilt and regret from feeding on humans? One day, my father says, one day my guilt will be forgiven and I'll be able to fully enjoy life without that dark period hanging over my shoulder.
[Confession being good for the soul, I should admit that I almost killed a human, so vigorously did I drink. Shame floods my core just remembering this.]
I have nothing to say about the Volturri. I do know that they cannot be the "mafia" as you put it. They are the most powerful leaders of Vampires for centuries! They have ruled our world for almost 1000 years; they know that we do not follow their ways, but that we have the restored Vampire plan of living from the original days of Vampire. But we respect them as long as they respect us. I would suggest you adopt a similar attitude or they may appear at your doorstep in formation [a rose, the last time I saw them, appearing as if opening from bud. It is frighteningly beautiful and intimidating, a sight I hope to never see again.]
I am afraid to say that my family does not travel or do anything other than be with one another on Mondays. It's our Family at Home time, usually focused on the evening. We do welcome visitors, however! We play games, or have educational outings, often sing songs and have quiet mind time together. It's quite fulfilling and allows us to draw closer together. This week we are all going to write letters about a family member [we drew names from a hat] but not say who it is! Then we'll spend some time guessing who each family member in the letters could be. I'm looking forward to it as I've drawn my brother Emmett's name. I intend to give him a good ribbing, but all in loving fun, of course.
Perhaps we could travel some Wednesday to visit with you? I'm not familiar with "Anubis." We have frequent flyer miles for Delta, and tend to use their services. I do say, though, your comment about coffins was truly a laugh. Coffins! The mythos we've created for humans, eh? Although I would ask for you to not make disparaging comments about Volvos. They happen to have excellent crash ratings, and when kitted out in leather and wood trim, are quite handsome. Also, you can fit your whole family in one vehicle when it is an SUV, which just allows for more togetherness, never a bad thing!
I don't understand the comments about skin diseases, however. Vampires cannot contract diseases, can they? My skin literally glitters when bathed in sunlight. Surely you have noticed that your skin does the same?
Sincerely, and aren't we all "proper" vampires, even though we eat differently?
February 22, 20--
Weak, foul, sparkling glitter pony:
My master Eric has sent along a "fruit basket" [containing vials of Royal's blood, Angelina Jolie's blood, a small kitten, and two tickets good for half-price admission at Fangtasia along with a company t-shirt] to the Volturri, and praised them on hooking such huge fish as you and yours. It has been too long since I have heard the ringing laughter of my Viking friend, and I have you to thank for that.
After that, he made sure that I would mention that he climbed into his red corvette [which is a symbol of his massive manhood, and believe me, I know this personally] and drove to "get some." That means sex and blood, Virgin. He also bade me ask if you tow a canoe behind your vehicle for quiet leisure time, then he gave another of his loud, infectious laughs.
We wonder if you would accept a phone call from our establishment? Letter writing is so archaic and moves at a snail's pace. We've started a betting pool concerning how high-pitched your voice must be. Did your testicles drop before you were turned? I only ask because it will affect my winnings. Felicia, one of our bartenders, has put a good amount on you having a surprisingly deep baritone, but you just can't. I'm betting on a high tenor, like a falsetto.
If you'd rather contact us first, feel free. Just don't expect Eric to speak to you, he doesn't do phone calls unless they're from his betters. Or who he's bedding. That also means blood and sex, Virgin.
Call at  GET-FNGD. Our minions answer during our sleeping hours. [I'm still trying to figure out what you meant by your not sleeping. Riddles are so boring.]
Not Really Yours, Neither is this Respectfully nor Sincerely,
Pam, 250 Years of Proper Living
Message on Fangtasia’s Voicemail: "You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night. For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to a live person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you."
Yes, hello? This is Edward Cullen calling for the vampires that own and manage the bar Fangtasia. I have had a lengthy correspondence with one particular individual named Pamela, who instructed me to contact you through these channels instead of through mail. That saddened me as I had spent a several days and nights carving a quill from a bald eagle’s feather. It took me a few hours to track and catch the bird, and I must admit that its blood made me feel like flying myself, ha ha!
After my homemade soap making bent had worn off, I turned to the art of paper-making and loved pressing flowers into the pulp, or perhaps decorating it with bits of herb for a more masculine letter, such as for business. I delighted in the thought of my correspondent opening the letter and catching the barest whiff of chamomile, a touch of lavender, the kiss of dried wheat against their nostrils.
But I understand that we all have our little quirks, for example, my brother Emmett loves a modern toy called an “Ex-box.” It’s rectangular and three dimensional, so the name is lost on me, as is so much of the modern slang. However, there’s one game in particular that he enjoys and I must admit that at times I find it intriguing. He calls it “Halo” but there’s nothing angelic about it.
The idea is that you are the shoo-
Goodness, that was odd. I attempted to speak into your voice recording device and it stopped and the line went dead. Curious, you might want to look into that at your end. I can only assume that my earlier message was not recorded after all. I’ll try again.
Hello, this is Edward Cullen calling for the vampires that own and manage the bar Fangtasia. I have had a continuing correspondence with a vampire named Pamela, who instructed me to contact you via telephone as opposed to my preferred method, letter writing.
My purpose in contacting you is for a variety of reasons, the first being that word had traveled to my family about a group of vampires in the south that were behaving in abominable ways, including the rapine of women [single women are never willing, my father taught me that lesson well], the ingestion of both alcoholic beverages and of the Forbidden drink, and the rampant use of foul language.
I wanted you all to know that not only should you not participate in that behavior, but it lowers opinion of us all when a group of vampires behave abomina-
Hello, good day, this is Edward Cullen, attempting yet again to contact the vampires of Fangtasia as directed by a Pamela that claims allegiance to that group. I have been informed by my brother Emmett, who likes to keep “modern” and “up with the latest gadgetry of humans,” that recording devices such as you employ only allow for an allotted time, and that I seem to continually exceed said time.
Apologies all around, I do wish to say, and I shall speak a bit faster this time ‘round.
I’ll be succinct. Have you ever wondered from whence you came? Have you questioned why we are here? And most importantly, what lies in wait for us once we are gone?
I wish to share with you the answers to those questions, as my family feels quite strongly that we know deeply, within our very foundations, what the answers are. We feel compelled to share them with you, and wish for the opportunity to visit with you and share the blessings of joy and happiness that we have been able to find.
I would like to also say that I know that these lessons that I hope to teach you are truth, that abstaining from humans and subsisting on animals will give you a sense of peace and wonder you’ve never experienced, and that I hope for all things good and praiseworthy for you and yours.
In the name of-
Message left on the Cullen’s answering machine, with each family member saying their own names: “Hello! We’re the Cullens! Carlisle! Esme! Aaaaalice! Jasper! Rosalie. Emmett NO LIMIT WHOOO! And this is Edward. We are all out enjoying each other and are unable to take your call, we are sad to say. Please leave us a message detailing when you called and how we may reach you. We hope you know how special you are to us, and that we will return your call at first convenience. Make it a great day!”
*sounds of laughter* Clancy! Clancy, you have got to hear this. Hang on, it’s still recording, let me dial it again. How do you do speaker pho-
*more sounds of laughter* Oh, Thalia, you’re no fun. Yes, they’re vampires! I know! Master? You have got to listen to-
*sounds of deep, rolling laughing* Pam, you are too much. Send word to the Volturri. I’m taking over their territory, if only to keep such unusual entertainment on hand. The Volturri owe me one, any way.
CULLEN NEST. I am your new master, Eric, and you will submit. I require the presence of your women twice a week in my bar to entertain the tourists. Dress appropriately for the humans. The men I require to take their turns behind the bar. Watch Felicia as I assume you do not know how to make the simplest of drinks. This Edward fellow we’ll keep on file for those with… specific tastes. The King of Mississippi would enjoy your company very much, I believe. He likes them foppish.
You will call back and speak to Clancy detailing any special talents you have that will be of use to me.
Message on Fangtasia’s voicemail made during daylight hours:
Hello, this is Edward Cullen calling again to speak to Pam or to Eric, the proprietor of Fangtasia. There seems to be some miscommunication, my mother and father and I could not make heads nor tails of the messages we received from you both, and all three of us have attended four Ivy league schools. We were most confused.
It should be noted that not only do we not consume alcohol, we will not serve it. We avoid even the appearance of evil, we want to be clear.
As to our special talents, that is something I would love to share with you. My father Carlisle is a most wonderful healer, Esme, while kind and loving, is also fond of architecture. Rosalie is very beautiful and gruff, Jasper can make people feel at peace, Emmett is, well, he’s very strong, and Alice, my lovely sister, can see the future. I can hear thoughts, which at times can be frustrating, but can also be useful.
We all also play the dulcimer, I knit, Emmett likes to work on cars, and Alice is a fine dancer. We all enjoy sleigh rides and singing, and we collect diplomas. Education is so important, would you agree? I’ve been to high school forty-six times, for example and have been to college thirty-
Message on the Cullen’s machine:
This is Pam of Fangtasia, calling on behalf of my master, the Sheriff of Area 5, Kingdom of Louisiana.
Cullen family: we rescind our invitation to join our nest. You are relieved from any covenant to submit to our master, Eric. He begs me to tell you this as quickly as possibly and that you all remind him of Sookie but even more chaste and pure and in the worst way. He said, “One of those in the world is enough.”
For the love of -
How have you and your kind managed to not be ripped apart? We are amazed in a way, and admire it. Although we also believe that you seven are the poorest excuse of vampire we’ve ever heard of. One day I will pay you a visit. Pray you never sense me coming. I enjoy experimenting. And I love the sparkle of diamonds. Maybe you would better serve this world as an adornment about my neck or wrist....
Farewell for now, sparkle bitch.