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So this is based on a conversation in ethrosdemon's journal and went from there, because she encourages me to do bad things. Based on my fannon of the Sparkleverse (aka Twilight) and the Sookie Stackhouse books. Heads up, there are (obviously) spoilers for some story lines under the cut. Guys, if you didn't realize that the Cullens were Mormon and those books are a subconscious missionary call from SMeyer, here's your clue. :)

Note: this is me typing into a window. There could be random errors. It's LJ, not my dissertation at Cambridge, dig me? *G* Crack ahoy-hoy!

Epistolary Story of the Cullens clan reaching out to the vampires of Fangtasia, aka Sookie-verse, aka True Blood [kinda]Collapse )

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( 125 comments — Leave a comment )
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thesammichfox
Jul. 13th, 2009 07:32 pm (UTC)
That is one of the most amazing things I have read in a very long time. I haven't laughed that hard in forever.
stoney321
Jul. 13th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
While I'm sad you haven't busted a gut in a while, I'm happy that I provided that service. :) Thank you for reading!
sistercuervo
Jul. 13th, 2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
Funniest thing ever! I love this to sparkley little bits!
stoney321
Jul. 13th, 2009 08:01 pm (UTC)
Woot! Glad to hear it, thank you for reading!
mumsisdaughter
Jul. 13th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC)
VulvaMae!!! I nearly choked on my Lancashire hotpot!!

If Eric ever meets Bella, she'll soon find out what she's been missing. And he won't care what she smells like.
stoney321
Jul. 13th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
It's a REAL NAME. So, so sad.

Heh, I bet Bella would want to be back with Edward jiffy-quick when she sees what REAL vampires are like. They'd scare her witless (and that's just their sex appeal, lol.)
(Anonymous)
Jul. 13th, 2009 09:50 pm (UTC)
STOP KILLING ME AAAAAAAAA. EDWARD'S LETTERS. PLAN OF SALVATION. STORYBOARDS. FELT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

OH GOD IT'S ALL SO EARNEST and i have no idea who these sookie stackhouse books are D: D: D: FAIL LAURA FAIL but AUGH. CULLEN FAMILY FUN. CULLEN FAMILY HOME EVENING AAAAAAAAAA I BET AT SOME POINT EDWARD HAS THEM ALL WRITE LETTERS TO THEMSELVES TEN YEARS IN THE FUTURE AAAAAAAAAAA EMMETT'S WOULD BE: "DEAR SELF. BET YOURE STILL A VAMPIRE. BET YOURE STILL BEATING EDWARD DOWN FOR MAKING YOU WRITE THIS GAYASS LETTER. CONTINUE THE GOOD WORK. LOVE EMMETT PS ROSALIE SAYS :*"

(HI THIS IS B, BTW)

Brighamenies. Really? REALLY? ...REALLY? salksdjlaksdj
stoney321
Jul. 13th, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC)
TRUE BLOOD ON HBO STEAL IT IT IS CRACK OF OUR KIND. And all the stuff we hate they make so over the top it's EASY to mock, YAY.

LOLOLOLOL Emmett's letter!!! And Alice would be busy making future thems in felt and Edward would stand back and admire them until he saw that ALice made NO FELT BELLA. But DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS CREATURE and Alice will say it's your baaaaaaaby, Edward and Emmett would marvel that Edward will ever get any.

Then Carlislse will ask everyone for reverence and make Frowny Faces and Esme will come in with a project for them: building Eiffel towers out of popcicle sticks, YAY!
ethrosdemon
Jul. 13th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
The felt board story hour thing is GENIUS. Oh good lord. (You know I went to a fundy elementary school because there was no regular private school in my hometown and my mom naively thought "non-denominational" was better than Catholic? Yeah, lots of felt board bible stories in my youth.)

Humans have never been known for their intelligence, however.

Also, Pam/Eric ROWRRRRRRRRRRRR! *panther scratches*

FOR HELL'S SAKE! (Also, since you ARE Pam, I think much much more fic is in order. Maybe Pam stalking Jason?)


I doubt I would even be fined by your King; he might even pay me for ridding his kingdom of such dolts as your family appears to be. And I cannot believe that you fell for the Volturri's scam. You know they're the Vampire equivalent of the humans mafia, yes? They've been convincing newly turned vamps with no protection that they're the rulers of our world for centuries. I've never heard of anyone buying into it for long. Three, four years tops. Please tell me that you've not been under their thumb for more than four years, that is just too delicious.


Take a bow, my sister, for you have just achieved greatness of the crack variety.

Edward restarting his VM message made me BWAHAHAHAA so hard, deary me.

CULLEN NEST. I am your new master, Eric, and you will submit.

Again, I am choked up.

The idea of Edward as Eddington's pet is rather delicious.
stoney321
Jul. 13th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, the felt board stories I learned as a kid!! I'll have to find some pictures of the Nephites (the righteous white Indians) with 50's style pompadours and side burns. AWESOME.

I would like Pam stalking Jason fic!!! (I also - strangely - want Alice and Sookie think off fic...)

I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE LAUGHED AT THE VOICEMAIL REPEAT. (Is it bad that I hear my mother in law's voice? THAT IS HOW SHE LEAVES MESSAGES.)

*clappy hands* YOUR JOURNAL IS THE BEST. From there the best crack flows. <3
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pernickety
Jul. 13th, 2009 11:49 pm (UTC)
I don't even know how to express how much I love this. omg. Pam would have soooo much fun ridiculing Edward.

I am your new master, Eric, and you will submit.
MEOW. I long to hear that on my answering machine.
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 12:28 am (UTC)
Dude, no joke. That Skaarsgaaaarrd man is just too much. Rawr.

I might have to right some more Pam fic, I love her to bits.
joirerson
Jul. 13th, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC)
*giggles unashamedly* That was wonderful. I can just imagine Edward running a Mormonish self-help scam through the mails. *giggles some more, then pokes the story with a stick*
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 12:32 am (UTC)
LOL, something like Nu-Skin? E'ola? Edward would get suckered in by Emmett, who would tell him how he needed to buy the "full start up kit" so he could benefit from his brother.

Edward: So all I have to do is find someone to sign up under me?
Emmett: Yep. Pass the remote.
Edward: This is exciting! So I can be a millionaire by the end of the year, just through selling scrapbooking materials?
Emmett: Exactly. You sell $250K and you get a Mercedes. Hand me those chips.
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... - stoney321 - Jul. 14th, 2009 12:57 am (UTC) - Expand
chantal87
Jul. 14th, 2009 12:14 am (UTC)
That was fabulous!
You,brilliant woman,you.
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 12:32 am (UTC)
Hahaha, glad you liked it, M! it's spawning all sorts of stuff in my noggin and I'm supposed to be CLEANING. :D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 12:56 am (UTC)
I LOVE PAM. And Eric. It should be all them, all the time. :)

(Where are the TB icons? I am in need of a Pam! no worries if you don't have time/inclination/etc.)
(Deleted comment)
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sexonastick
Jul. 14th, 2009 01:28 am (UTC)
This is SO AMAZING. I don't often actually laugh out loud, but this got me there more than once.

Thank you for it. :D
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that, thanks!

Glad you enjoyed. And damn, that's a great icon. I <3 Pam.
kdorian
Jul. 14th, 2009 01:48 am (UTC)
I have not laughed that hard in WEEKS!
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
Oh, good! I'm glad to hear it, thanks!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:45 am (UTC)
Can you believe that's a REAL name?! For a REAL PERSON? Poor thing.

I'm glad you liked it, thanks so much!
astrothsknot
Jul. 14th, 2009 02:00 am (UTC)
That bit with Pam calling everyone to listen had me in stitches after a very trying day.
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
If there's one thing Pam would love, it would be mocking something weaker than her. I'm happy to know I got you to laugh, let's hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
hartlyn
Jul. 14th, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)
Flannelboard stories and FHE and golden questions and bicycles and the Cullens trying to convert everybody to their lifestyle. OMFG I'm dying. So glad I'd finished my drink before reading this!

WIN.
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:47 am (UTC)
YAY!!!!! I mean, let's face it: the Cullens are the perfect Mormon family. I'm so happy to know that people are laughing with me on this one, ahahaha. Thanks for reading!
fabrisse
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:56 am (UTC)
I have re-read this and it's even funnier if you imagine the little felt fangs on the storyboard characters.

Please tell me Edward is going to continue proselytizing. I think Spike and Drusilla might enjoy hearing from him. Certainly LaCroix and Janette would. Hell, even Nick, who wants to be human again, would look askance at "sparkle bitch."

Barnabas Collins, the Vampires from Kindred: The Embraced ... oh, the possibilities!

Frankly, the Count on Sesame Street would find Edward a little too goody-goody.

Edited at 2009-07-14 03:59 am (UTC)
stoney321
Jul. 14th, 2009 01:28 pm (UTC)
The Count would count how many times he kicked Edward in the nards, "One! Two! Three! Ah, ah, ah!"
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( 125 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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