Yesterday I started writing a fic for someone, something I haven't done in ages. Jason Stackhouse and Pam la Vampeer, True Blood. I watched the S2 finale last night and laughed anew at Jason's single tear after pulling out "Kid Glock." That show is such tragic cra
I'm feeling incredibly spammy, so there's your warning for the day.
Because kita0610 and lynnenne keep emailing me pictures of their fancy dresses and talking about bags and shoes and so forth for our upcoming Vegas trip, I guess I'm going to have to take off this ball cap and go buy some damn lady clothes. It would not do to be the jackhole in loser duds when they're both so sparkly and fancy pant-sy. I'm super excited about a vacation, though. One is HIGHLY needed. Also, I haven't played craps in 8 years, and I looooooove throwing the dice, yo. When I'm rolling, everyone's winning.
I read something online yesterday that ONCE AGAIN reminded me that there is no bottom to the pit that is freaky crap online. We've had a lady who is married to the Berlin Wall, horrified at her "husband's murder." We've seen ET porn - real people dressed as ET. There's a man that honestly believes he's married to his Shetland pony, had a WATER BED installed in his barn so they could have missionary-style "consummation" all while having a HUMAN GIRLFRIEND. She didn't even qualify as the main relationship, people. (That might be the kinda-bottom, let's get real, even though it is my all time favorite cracked out tale of humanity.) BUT THIS CRAIGSLIST AD IS THE WORST YET. And if that isn't warning enough, I don't know what is.
You know that scene in Saving Private Ryan when the guy is being slowly stabbed in the heart and he just keeps saying, "wait... wait... wait..." until the German soldier is breathing up his nostrils and he's dead? That's how I felt reading this, minus the bliss of FINALLY DYING.
I had no idea what a "release" party REALLY meant. (Yes, this has been on the internet for a bit. You're totally cool and ahead of the game, and can skip along while the rest of us gasp in horror. It's new to me, and, I'd wager, a few of you.)
THIS IS AN ACTUAL AD. FOR ACTUAL PEOPLE. TO ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE. THESE PEOPLE POOP. WITH EACH OTHER. (My commentary is in italics.)
hot tub group release (berkeley)
Date: 2005-12-08, 10:51PM PST
Let's keep this simple. I have a hot tub on Euclid. I am having a group release party on December 28th. Everybody is welcome (last time was all men which was fun but I would really like to get some women this time). [This time? THIS TIME??? I WONDER WHY NO CHICKS COME. You'll see. You'll all see!!]
Here's how it works: Five people get into my 400 gallon redwood hot tub. The temperature is a challenging 125 degrees. [Challenging?? That's a challenge like jumping in front of bullets is a "challenge."]After a few minutes, everybody "evacuates" (voids their bowels in the tub). We see what floats to the surface. [OH. MY. GOD. Also, you know there's going to be corn kernels. YOU KNOW THERE WILL BE. They DON'T breakdown. Life's great mystery, the corn kernel.]
This "letting go" stage is followed by a "coming together" stage in which each person helps the person to their left reach satisfaction (handsex). Simple and wonderful. [Simple and wonderful like grandma's love. If your grandma shit on you then rubbed one off into her afghan. Then gave you a butterscotch hard candy.]
Some ground rules: [We're not just going to fly by the seat of our pants, here. Without rules, this would quickly become chaotic. The horrified screams alone...]
1) No footwear of any kind in the tub! Leave your flip flops on the deck! [He got this from the Japanese and their dedication to hygiene. Leave the street germs where they belong, Arigato.]
2) Do not go into the house. [Not because you'll have been floating in shit, but because I have some souffles on, you know how tetchy they can be.]
3) Scents are okay but please, NO GREASY HAIR PRODUCTS. [I think we can all agree that Axe hair gel is going to fuck things up for everyone. You can go one night without a slicked-back DA, Kenickie.]
4) Please refrain from smoking. [That is a filthy habit, we all can agree on that. The only butts in my hot tub are the kind that leak, not smolder. Unless you're Gus, and he's had some digestion issues lately. But he brought a note and we all hope the Prevacid helps some. But not until tomorrow, because we're doing something Special tonight.]
5) Once everybody is in the tub, its silent time. No talking until everybody is out. [The horrified screams from last time were a real downer. Gus, next time, lay off the Ranchiladas. Not everyone can handle the Ranchilada. We ease them into that. Chuck? You're allowed to hum Eine Kleine Nacht Musik, because that added some class.]
6) If you do not like what is "going down" (or coming up) step out of the tub. You do not need to make it everybody else's problem. [Yes, because the person not liking the floaters is the one with the problem. ]
7) Please commit before showing up. Don't come out to the backyard, check out the "scene" and then decide to leave. This disrupts the experience for everybody. [It only serves as a reminder that no one wants to be with us while we group shit, and that makes us feel bad. I mean, we had to put an ad in the paper for participants. We know we're pathetic, but this is our "special time." To shit and jerk off as a group.]
8) Please no laughing or frivolity. Its not that it has to be "dead serious" but we don't want it to turn into a joke. For many people a group release party is a vulnerable psychosexual experience and your laughter can be shaming. [The important double syllable there was PSYCHO. I think we all can agree to that one. It's VULNERABLE? That's your FIRST CLUE that something is... amiss. Don't shame me, bro! I just need to shit on people, then get a stranger to pull my pud. I NEED THAT, is that so wrong? ]
9) PLEASE NO LOUD TALKING AFTER THE SESSION. MY NEIGHBORS HAVE COMPLAINED SEVERAL TIMES AND HAVE THREATENED TO CALL THE POLICE. [Yes, the neighbors are complaining about the LOUD TALKING. Not the hot tub science project stewing in the night. Not that.]
10) If you are over two hundred pounds it is fine, but please let me know in advance. [I need to calculate water displacement for you and the other people that might answer the ad. The WOODEN BATHTUB we'll all be shitting in can only hold so much, you see.]
11) PLEASE NO DIABETICS, PREGNANT WOMEN OR PEOPLE WITH HEALTH CONDITIONS WHICH MAY BE AFFECTED BY A LONG AND UNUSUALLY HIGH TEMPERATURE HOT TUB SITUATION. [The last kind of problem I need to deal with here are health concerns. Let's just keep this steaming semen-shit stew casual, you know? Let's not bring health into it. That might make things weird.]
12) NO DRUGS OF ANY KIND!!!! [We don't want a bad element, dig? Would coffee and bran muffins count as a drug? I'm just asking the hard questions, people. I don't want to show up unprepared.]
13) Please make sure that you have eaten well and NOT EXCRETED FOR AT LEAST TWELVE HOURS before coming. [OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. I think people should write out a list of what they've eaten that day, and then you can guess who's list matches the floaters. "Bill? You had a half order of beef nachos and Funyuns, didn't you? I knew it! Charlie? Really? Five ears of corn AND asparagus? I thought I heard a rumble when you pulled up! I think we all know that Gus had Ranchiladas. And a few bran muffins."]
14) No food in the hot tub or on the deck. If you must eat, finish your food in your car. [Christ, can't you people think? Do you know how nasty eating in the tub is? We don't want your Ultimate Cheeseburger wrapper mucking up the ambiance. Also, I like to float candles in the water to class this shit (literally) up. I don't want to worry about flammables. Which brings me back to you, Gus. Let's try to not light the fumes, please. I don't have that kind of insurance on the house.]
15) You can park directly out front or along the street. PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY. If parking is limited park on POPLAR st. [I want it to look like I'm throwing an awesome party with lots of cars by my house. That'll show my coworkers that I'm not always on XBox live with my make believe friends. I have REAL PEOPLE that I interact with. And shit on.]
16) Do not turn on the airration jets under any circumstances. This makes the party impossible to clean up afterwards and also disrupts the atmosphere in the tub. [NO ME GUSTA, ay yi yi!!!! Yeah, the jets circulating that stuff makes it "impossible" to clean up, not the crap ton of CRAP and JIZZ mucking up the filters. The jets are the problem here, that's reasonable.]
17) Please show up on time for the session. The orientation period is extremely important and helps to insure that the party will be a success for all participants. [I spent a lot of time making these "Hello my name is:" stickers for everyone, and the petit fours will melt after a half hour, and the Ex-lax brownies have a time table of their own. be courteous, for fuck's sake, you rude, late-shitting bastard.]
18) NO CAMERAS OF ANY KIND INCLUDING CAMERA PHONES. For many, the session is a "discreet" experience and respect for individual privacy concerns is of utmost importance. [The last thing we need is another round of OH MY GOD THAT'S MY BROTHER ON YOUTUBE ruining our lives. It's not easy moving to a new place and getting a new name, job, and new people to shit and come with, okay? Let's be discreet as we excrete. It's called respect, folks.]
19) If you have a health concern which you believe may be transmittable through personal waste material please wait for at least two weeks after the matter has cleared up before attending a session. [THIS IS REASONABLE. Especially when you're taking a stranger's word that he's not carrying E. BOLA. Or tapeworms. *hooooark*]
20) You are welcome to bring a friend PROVIDED I KNOW IN ADVANCE. Please do not show up with an extra participant. Thank you for your interest and contact me if you wish to participate. [Please make it a lady friend. I'm very lonely. And am easily shamed, so let me know ahead of time so I can put on my Dungeon Master costume. Chicks dig that.]
I AM BLOWN AWAY. Mostly by the extremely long list of RULES to shit with a group of people. Just sit in the lawn and shit on it, someone can dump a whistling tea kettle on your dong, and call it a night. Far less complicated, and it might even damage some things that you should NO LONGER BE ALLOWED TO USE, as you like to shit and blow with people. In hot water.
Holy fucking hell, there are some broken humans out there. CLEAN THE EARTH WITH FIRE. Gleh.
My tummy hurts. :(