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I'm sticking with the second. So I was watching Pride and Prejudice the other night, as one does, and feeling very disappointed that a classy porny version has yet to be made. Ang Lee, I'm looking at you. I need more than a soaked Colin Firth, is what I'm saying, and I'm sure I'm not alone. (As much as I can't stand Keira Knightly - the JAW! It will surely kill us all - what's his nuts in that version is tres sexy.) So I went looking for fanfiction, as one does in these situations. This is what ff was MADE for, right?

Problem is, so much of it sucks, as we all know. And while I wish someone would discover some dirty chapters that Ms. Austen failed to submit to her publishers (how delicious would THAT be?) I could be content with well-written ff. What will make me hit the back button faster than 5 Guys and 1 Tub (lol, that was one of the funnier things to come out of yesterday's post) is reading that Fitzwilliam Darcy UNZIPPED ELIZABETH FROM HER DRESS. Zipper?! Did she check facebook before retiring to her chambers as well? Did Mary spend her nights bemoaning her misfortune whilst running polyester through her Singer sewing machine? EGADS, PEOPLE. RESEARCH.

Also, one's clothes do not (nor did they ever) "flewn about." I'm no Shakespeare, shit, I'm no King, but FLEWN. That's like when my college roommate argued with me that "squozed" was SO an actual word. Head --> desk. (One of my favorite stupid people stories comes from my ex husband who asked me in all earnestness what language Frasier was speaking. As in the TV show Frasier. I'll leave you with that head scratcher.)

And on that note, I've spent far too much time yesterday and this morning reading through IDP manuals, checking up on road crew work, and memorizing the inventory at Talbots so this ridiculous little story I'm struggling with about Jason Stackhouse and Pam... Pam sounds right. Lol. Um, I'm on the far edge of the balance beam, clearly.

IN WOEBEGONE SPARKLE/TWILIGHT NEWS: I realized that my original plans to race out Friday morning to see the newest Twilight movie (FOR MOCKING PURPOSES ONLY, I've not lost my mind completely) isn't going to work as a) I'm hosting a shindig that night for upwards of 40 people and that requires cleaning, food prep, booze prep, etc. and b) I'm filming all day Saturday (whee, commercials are FUN and fast. I dig those.) and this all adds up to c) you won't get your dose of snark from me until Monday. I KNOW, I'M SAD ABOUT IT, TOO. I kinda need to go see it Friday morning, though, because that's when the craziest people go! Last time women were dressed up WITH PERFUME to see it, as if Edward Cullen was waiting for them in the lobby, just hoping to fall in love with a substitute teacher, or whatever. WOW. Good times were had by me loling over the Sparklepires and the women who love them.

I need to do a bunch of push ups and squats so I don't feel guilty about sitting on my ass all day writing. I'll get going on that aaaaaaany moment now. Any minute now.

OH WAIT, I REMEMBERED SOMETHING I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. Who is watching Curb Your Enthusiasm? I don't know when I've laughed so hard as last Sunday's episode. Oh my god, "My daughter's got a rash on her pussy." The sincerity in which that line was delivered had me literally falling to my side, laughing. Then the continued joke about that word being acceptable in discussions about a 9 year old... "I think I got this rash from my special friend. She's 9 and has a rash on her pussy." "Call the police." Oh man. That's my sense of humor, right there. I love you Larry David. I can't wait for the finale next week. SO FUNNY.


( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
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Nov. 18th, 2009 03:43 pm (UTC)
If I were going to believe a deleted-scene naughty fanfic of Pride & Prejudice, it would have to be Lydia and George Wickham, not Elizabeth and Darcy. Or Kitty and one of the other soldiers. Or, hell, whatsername the teenage BRIDE of one of the soldiers who aids and abets those two -- for all I know she could be taking on the whole regiment and not just her husband. But Elizabeth and Darcy prior to the wedding, I'm not buying it.
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:45 pm (UTC)
No, I'm not looking for pre-wedding Elizabeth/Darcy, but the wedding night itself! :D But yeah - Wickham fic should be aplenty, right? Just... where is the GOOD fic? And fic that's longer than 500 words?
... - rikibeth - Nov. 18th, 2009 03:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
There is better quality Austen fanfic here: http://www.pemberley.com/derby/boiarchive.html but I don't think there is too much of Teh Pr0n going on.

Also, you need to see this: epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:01 pm (UTC)

I wonder how many women pop those undies in the freezer so they can imagine it's actually Edward's frozen marble lips on their nethers??

(And thanks for the link!)
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Nov. 18th, 2009 03:53 pm (UTC)
As of Monday, the multiplex my son slaves at has sold out ten theaters for the midnight opening of New Moon- which means a second show, as they can only show it in six at once. His calendar for tomorrow says "8pm-oh so very late."

It's a disease, I tell you.

Julia, me, I'll be rereading The Fifth Elephant
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC)
I may have to go to the Thursday midnight showing. That might be the most epic of them all, and let's face it: I'm going for the audience as much as the movie.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC)
A zipper!! He lovingly undid her zipper as she removed his coat and tie. Because men then didn't have seventeen layers on.

I may have to suck it up, do some pre-party prep today and go see it - we all need to share in that, I think. :D
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:26 pm (UTC)
Heee! What language is Fraiser speaking!

In all seriousness though, Kelsey Grammer does have a very distinct Boston-WASP blue blood accent, which is probably no surprise, he's a descendant of a royal governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. (This is different from the Kennedy Boston-Irish blue blood accent).

That's why when it was revealed he was from Seattle, I was all, "BWAH?!?"

Other authentic accents in the "Cheers" family: George Ratzenberger (definitely working class Boston — even if he was born in Connecticut) and Nicholas Colasanto (Coach) who had a gen-u-ine Rhode Island accent.

Sorry about geeking out. Half the fun of watching "Cheers" was spotting the genuine accents vs. people who were trying to sound like they were from Boston and failing miserably — I'm looking at you Shelly Long — or not bothering at all — hello Rhea Perlman and Woody Harrelson!

(And for the last time, Cheers writers, it's "the T" not "the subway". No one in the whole of Massachusetts calls it "the subway". It's the Goddamn T! At least they used "Mass Ave" instead of "Massachusetts Avenue", because that shit would just be embarrassing.)

I'd hash on Ted Danson, too, but he worked a lot of years to help clean up Naragansett Bay in Rhode Island as part of his "Save the Oceans" campaign, so he gets a pass on it.

I'll stop now...

Edited at 2009-11-18 04:27 pm (UTC)
Nov. 18th, 2009 04:49 pm (UTC)
Regional high-five to liz_marcs!

And, having lived in the Hartford area for almost my whole life, I can tell you that plenty of CT folk have that similar working class Boston accent. John Ratzenberger does have the quality "NO(r)M!" that his character should have! I only wish we could have had more dialogue from Coach, if only because most flatlanders cannot comprehend the mystery that is the "RrrdEyeland" accent. It's like New York and Boston had a love child with a speech impediment.

But, now I want clear chowda and a coffee cabinet for lunch.
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Nov. 18th, 2009 05:38 pm (UTC)
Whilst in college I once wrote an entire paper spelling OF OV. Every time the spellcheck corrected me I was like "fuck you, spellcheck, wtf?" and left them in. I got an A on the paper, in part because my prof thought I was a comic genius.

This paper was for a Master's level linguistics course.

Nov. 18th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
COMIC GENIUS. Ahahahahaha, this is an awesome story.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 18th, 2009 06:09 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the trouble of linking me! (Um, I'm wanting fanfic so I don't have to buy anything, and can have instant gratification, because the internet has SPOILED ME ROTTEN.)

But I will keep these for that day when I need something professional! :D
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:10 pm (UTC)
My husband and I watch Curb. We have to watch it with the TiVo remote near to hand so we can pause it for LONG intervals of laughing so hard we can't breathe!

At the end when he started talking about his 9yo friend, I was CRYING with laughter.
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
I love the dissection of acceptable social behavior. Him blinking rapidly after the mom dropped the Pussy bomb, then deciding to blast forward with gusto was so wonderful. Asking about it in front of Jerry? Ahahahaha! "Oh, thank you, she's much better. Thanks for asking." LOL!!!
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
Latest "New Moon" news from my girlfriend: Alice has more chemistry with Bella than Edward. My inner femslash fanboy is confused about whether this is a good thing.
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
It has to be a good thing! I know that's a big faction of fandom, that Alice/Bella angle. Now it's time for you to write up some, yes? :D
... - minstrel666 - Nov. 18th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
I may be wrong about this, but I think both lettered and stultiloquentia have written Pride and Prejudice fic. Not sure how porny it is, but they're both great writers. Check out their memories or tags.

Nov. 18th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
Ooooh, if they've written it, I'll def. read, thank you!
Nov. 18th, 2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
I know there is a book that has "deleted scenes" from Pride and Prejudice.... ;-) Ehm... It is... spicy to say the least. I have read it, but now I can't for the life of me remember what it is called. :-) Awesome fun, and so well written, you might think it is Austen herself that wrote it, where it not for the subject at hand. So to speak. ;-)
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC)
Lol, nice pun! :D
... - kseenaa - Nov. 19th, 2009 06:03 am (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)
You are, for the most part, the only person I go to for Twilight mockery (I'm all about the quality mocking) so I am going to encourage you to see it Thursday at midnight or Friday morning.

Do it for the CHILDREN
Nov. 18th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC)
Won't someone think of the children!??!

If I can get cookie dough made and balled and meatballs made and... balled, then I think I could pull it off.
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Nov. 18th, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
I am eagerly awaiting your words of wisdom and mockery regarding Bella and her unwashed paramour. And I appreciate you suffering so no one else has to.
Nov. 19th, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
Everything I do... I do it for you. Heh.
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Nov. 19th, 2009 12:06 am (UTC)
UGH. I just ... she poses, she doesn't act. She's getting better, but her JAW, gah. How can I get my hands on McFayden busting his nut all up in the original Elizabeth Bennet!? LOL.

Thank you for commenting on SQUOZED. That's just too ridiculous to be real, AND YET.

Anytime someone challenges you on why you're really there, the response is "Back off man, I'm a scientist!" :D
Nov. 19th, 2009 05:33 am (UTC)
this isn't porn, but i do recommend renting 'lost in austen'. where resides, quite logically, zippers! and toothpaste and shaved beavers! i kid you not. go, rent! what are you waiting for?

btw? check out my halloween picture post. we had fun.
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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