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Two eye-rolling mini-rants

1. I love my kids. That whole "they came from my loins" thing, and all. But I get that not everyone thinks my little angels are precious precious snowflakes who's very BREATH is a miracle to be lauded. I want my kids to be independent, to learn how to be on their own, but not at the expense of people around us. I am, of course, talking about the twee little grocery carts that seem to only exist in the suburbs. "Mommy, I'm helping with my own cart!" *bangs into things*

Look. I get it. I'm all for giving kids chores, believe me. But in a packed store where things can break (I was at a home store with delicate lamps, etc. etc.) YOUR CHILD DOESN'T NEED TO LEARN THE CART LESSON. I'll tell you what lesson they can learn! KEEP YOUR FRIGGIN' HANDS TO YOURSELF. That's a GREAT lesson. Also, there are 6 billion+ on the planet. It's not that precious, what they're doing. Sorry. Best you learn that one early, New Mom.

2. If you have a shopping cart full of things, you do not go to the express lane. YOU DO NOT GO TO THE EXPRESS LANE. If you're waved over because there's no one there at the checkout, that's one thing. When you purposely go there (15 or less) and start unloading, you are officially a douche nozzle. And when someone says behind you, "Did you realize this was the express lane? There's a lane open next door," that is not your opportunity to give a go to hell look and slam more things on the conveyor belt. And I hope you understood that when I said, "You're awesome," you understood that I was being sarcastic. Because douche nozzles are NOT awesome.

Let me guess: your mother was the mother from #1, huh?

In other news, I now have all the supplies I need to make these meatballs (I'm retro, yo), these cookies, and this champagne punch. Also on the menu tomorrow will be fresh olives, nuts, assorted fruits, cheeses, crackers and breads, and prosciutto wrapped figs. OH, LAST THING TO YOU 20 SOMETHINGS AND UNDER: Learn how to FRICKIN' RSVP to an event. If you're doing that thing where you're waiting to see if something better comes along? I'm putting you in the douche nozzle category, too. So I guess I'm serving anywhere from 10 to 40 people tomorrow. Good hell.


( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
Douche nozzle is my new favorite word!
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:45 pm (UTC)
I abused Douche Monkey, so it's time for a new one. :D
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:49 pm (UTC)
I am now singing "Code Monkey," as "Douche Monkey." Greeeeat.
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
YES, to ALL OF THAT. ::Froths at mouth::

And the mommies, who crouch down and say earnestly, "Now Snowflake, when you rip your brother's hair off with duct tape, it makes me feel that you do not value his feelings, or mine, because he's just as much of a snowflake to me as you are." ::rolls eyes::
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:17 pm (UTC)
I knew someone who would attempt to co-parent her friends toddler (when he did something obnoxious and two-year-old-esque) by grabbing him, looking him in the eyes and saying "that is not a choice".

Fuck yeah it is, he just did it.
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:26 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHA. God, that kind of parenting makes me CRAZY.

Short and simple: don't do that, it's wrong. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?
Nov. 19th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC)
Because I am a defensive 20something
I arrive back in Dallas from my work trip at 11pm tomorrow night, and I don't know how long y'all will be partying, but it is kind of destroying me that I may miss this. I already talked to Chris so he knows but I'm not sure if he communicated that or not.
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:24 pm (UTC)
I know that you are traveling AND Beth and Chris updated me on your sitch, so YOU DO NOT COUNT.

<3 <3 <3 (And we'll be up kinda late, if you feel like coming. But I get it - traveling wears me out, too.)
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
Re: Because I am a defensive 20something
Meaning, you do not count in my rant, not that you don't MATTER. I HEART YOU ANGIE.
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:15 pm (UTC)
It's not that precious, what they're doing.

LIES! LIIIIIIIIIES! Everything they do is MAGIC.

Nov. 19th, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC)

BABIES ARE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. I am talking about 3 year olds who can push a shopping cart.

(And when they are children I love, THEY ARE PRECIOUS AND PERFECT. Heeeee.)
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:40 pm (UTC)
Those tiny carts were cute for like, five seconds, before they started taking over the aisles and running into people, gleefully hurtling down said aisle and 90MPH with parental unit nowhere in sight.

I also really, really, really hate the extra huge carts that are shaped like racecars and wagons and whatnot with pretend steering wheels. No. Your child is sitting in a cart, regardless of what it looks like, and a pretend steering wheel will not help them behave. Your giant-ass cart, however, does help me to be very angry with you.

And people that are pushing strollers full of shopping bags while their tiny child has to walk. Or worse, the really-too-old-for-a-stroller child being pushed around all day. Strollers are evil. Period.

OMG, I could not believe the number of people who totally failed to RSVP, in any fashion, to our wedding. I should NOT have to CALL you the week beforehand to find out if you're coming or not. Nor should I set a place for you, because you said you were coming, and then you not show up. Ahem.
Nov. 19th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC)
YES. I put my kids to work when I have them at the store with me, but normally I don't have them at the store with me. Because I don't want to have to put them to work. :D

I've heard so many horror stories about weddings recently, what gives? I guess they don't realize the money they're causing the host to waste.
Nov. 19th, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
It's bizarre, and utterly rude. And you can't blame it on a generation gap, because yours truly knows how to RSVP, and *write thank you notes*, and call my "elders" ma'am and sir. Granted, my family is old-school Southern, but difference of locale is no excuse not to teach your children the basics of polite society. I know you've posted on such things before... but it irks me every day. PLEASE, THANK YOU, and YES MA'AM are not hard things to teach.
Nov. 19th, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
This. Jayzus god, keep your kid in the cart and *away from me* or under control. I did not let the Bebe run wild in stores, and her pulling things of shelves or breaking things is *not adorable*, it's annoying as fuck for me and everyone else.

I loathe inattentive parents.

You know....i think this is your cue to call the idiots who didn't RSVP and say 'well, since you're unaware of the proper etiquette of RSVP, i'm calling to see if you are actually attending my party or not. In the future, i won't bother to invite you, as you aren't bothering to tell me if you're coming.'

Only, you know, poisonously sweet and sugary and just *dripping* with restrained loathing.

Nov. 19th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
LOL, if only! I'm not going to be bothered to call. Since I'm not making a sit-down dinner for 40, I figure the family can graze on appetizers all weekend if I over shoot things.

I'm just tired of how many times I hear from lots of people that this is a common issue. Say yes or no, people!
Nov. 19th, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC)
I know! It's not hard! I've never skipped the RSVP thing. It's just....(un)common courtesy!
Nov. 19th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
I am having a 40+ ppl pre-TDAY party thing on Sunday

too many people RSVP'd but the maybes could push us above 50


Also, I think I love the phrase douche nozzle

remember, the masses are asses
Nov. 19th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
OY, that's a lot of prep work you're doing!!
Nov. 19th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, hellz to the yes to all off the mentioned...

And I want to come to dinner to your house, dammit... Why is there an entire ocean in the way!??!?!?
Nov. 19th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC)
it takes time and effort to teach your kids. which is why so many mothers of today do the whole 'massive epic fail' thing. mine kept one hand on my cart, and the other behind the back, so they wouldn't touch a thing. and at checkout...of course, that was the dark ages, i wrote a check....they 'squared' themselves on the linolium flooring squares. and damn well stayed there. i never threatened, i promised.

i throw about 5 parties a year, and i HATE not knowing how much food to make! i also hate when people call DURING the party to let me know why they're not there, considering they had promised to come. my halloween party was unusual, everyone who said they would come did, except for a couple who came early with a cake, and left. but they have a child in the military an hour's drive away, and the son had to work, so grandparents ended up trick or treating with the grandkids. totally understandable. so, win, there!
Nov. 19th, 2009 09:21 pm (UTC)
Your posts amuse me so. I must keep coming here.

-- c.
Nov. 19th, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC)
LOL. And back atcha. I had to add your blog to my google reader. I'm looking forward to catching up on yesterday's writing post.
Nov. 19th, 2009 10:05 pm (UTC)
Regardless of the numbers, HAVE A GREAT PARTY! I know you'll be a smash hostess. <333
Nov. 19th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC)
Next time you send out invites, you need to add an extra line at the bottom: "Failure to RSVP to this invite inside X number of days will be taken as a negative response. Use it or lose it, suckas." *g*

I work in retail and, at least once a day, I wish I could take a flamethrower to those precious snowflakes.

And now I want your meatballs, however bad that sounds. :P
Nov. 19th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
Oh I love just special snowflake parents.. *rolls eyes* I hate them even more now that I am a parent myself. I taught swim lessons most of high school and all my college career and all the people who thought their child was a gifted swimmer. Plus all the annoying parents who would hang around and watch me teach the lessons.

Yeah out of all my students I had over the years the only "gifted" one I had was a three year old that basically mastered all the swim strokes pretty amazing for a three year old.(He even got accepted to the guppy swim team a year ahead of schedule.) And the best part his mom didn't treat him like a snow flake. :D

Nov. 20th, 2009 01:14 am (UTC)
No one RSVPs anymore. Total fail.
Nov. 20th, 2009 05:54 am (UTC)
Grocery stores really should be more forthright when cart incidents go down. I've heard tales from little old ladies who get bumped by kids, about age 8 or 9, who race carts or "help mommy" when she isn't looking.

The "break-the-15-items-or-less" douchenozzles (love that term, btw) are one of my biggest grocery pet peeves. I can understand it when you have, say, 16 or 17 items. But when people leap into those lanes who have 30 or 40, and all of them baby food jars or small pet food cans and the checker insists on scanning EACH ONE individually... that's just epic fail right there.

Another pet peeve of mine (in case anyone's curious,) is when people park their carts right in the middle of the bloody aisle! Don't they realize there are actually other people in the store and who may need to get around them at some point? Worse when you've got a basket of your own to maneuver with, but sometimes those aisles are so narrow that you can't even inch past if you're empty-handed!

Thank goodness none of the stores I regularly visit have those little carts for children. That was a phenomenally bad idea and I've always thought so. The stores where I shop have at least a little common sense... in that it's a terrible idea to give license to unruly kids to push metal or plastic carts around where things can be knocked off shelves and other customers can be hurt. Not cute at ALL.
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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