I'm prefacing this movie review with some linkage to save time. Not my time, but yours. Ahaha. There are "spoilers" for everything, including Kaiser Soze was Kevin Spacey, Bobby was in the shower and Pam was just dreaming, and ET actually goes home. And Bella and Edward will OF COURSE end up together. If that just made you mad that I "spoiled" the story for you, you need to use safety scissors and wear a helmet. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Here are my previous thoughts on
Since the Sparkledammerung posts have gone beyond 100,000 hits (I eventually turned off the tracker, so I have no idea what the actual number is now) and I've had crazies, sympathizers, and funny people alike, let me just say this: I AM SARCASTIC, FOUL MOUTHED, AND UNAPOLOGETIC. I will not take you seriously if you are offended by anything I have to say about this topic. I will, however, laugh. Because THE BOY SPARKLES. Please. (If I sound mean, it's because I've had to become that way because of the Twihards.)
Now on with the show! I have just typed this stuff into the screen, this is not meant to be a scientific paper. I... we all get that, right?
I should say first that I dragged my husband to the movie. Did he see the first one? Ahahaha. Of course not. Did he read the books? LOL. Whut? No! As a result did he understand ANYTHING that was happening on screen? Not a clue. This movie depends on you knowing what the hell happened before. And it's STILL over 2 hours long. That is a loooooot of moping and whining, people. A lot.
We should have realized that the fates were trying to do us a solid when the ticket kiosk wouldn't print our tickets. (We didn't want to approach the window and admit we were buying tickets for a Twilight movie.) We had to OF COURSE speak to a manager to get our tickets. It was a huge ordeal. Thanks a lot, us, for not taking the hint. The Powers That Be were trying to spare us.
By the time we got into the theater, there were NO SEATS in the main section. You know how theaters have those four crap rows down front and then everything else is stadium seating? All of the proper seating was filled, with the exception of two seats between one group of 50+ year old ladies in TEAM JACOB sweatshirts and another group of moms about my age (in their 30s) that were all dolled up, wearing heels and perfume. Later I found one of those women was carrying a purse with Ed Hardy style decor that said Team Edward. Jesus wept, y'all.
Yeah. Like I'm going to sit between those groups with my light, notepad, and derisive laughter. NUH UH! We had to sit way down front. My husband remarked that he'd spied an old school Gattaca arcade game out front, and that he might have to bail. I understood completely. I scanned the crowd after settling in and there was a strange alien looking woman in a pink sweatshirt and loose pants standing up in the back row, her hands clasped in front of her.
When I say alien looking I mean she had a triangular-shaped head, big eyes, overly long limbs and a vacant look on her face, like she was communicating with the hive mind back in the Delta Quadrant.
"They are assimilating. They will be delicious. We will absorb their vital nutrients."
I tried to surreptitiously check her out, because if shit was going down, I was going to walk away from that apocalypse. No way am I dying with those people. I couldn't tell if her hands were hiding ray guns, or maybe she had her hands weirdly folded because she had talons instead of fingers... All I know is that she stood like that, staring off vacantly into the nothingness of the collective for FIVE FREAKING MINUTES.
Read that again. FIVE MINUTES. Standing stock still, a vacant look on your face. I'm telling you, there's an alien race out there that thinks humans like men that sparkle and they all hide Ding Dongs in their pouches for consuming. GREAT. Way to represent, ladies. Go ahead and shut down SETI, the Twimoms ruined it for the whole planet.
I have almost a whole page of notes on this alien being. SERIOUSLY: FIVE MINUTES. Then the theater went dark and I stopped waiting to feel her cold proboscis on my neck, the last sensation of numb panic as her toxins dissolve my brain. Which leads me to Glenn Beck. :D
There was a promo for his one man show about that fucking sweater that made him see Jesus and become Mormon and I realized that people who believe he's sincere are the same people that believe Edward is a romantic figure. Both are fucktards that are using people to get what they want. And both are fictitious. This is followed by something I've not seen in movie previews before: Emergency Removal instructions. WHAT? What is being anticipated during this showing?? I just checked my notepad and I wrote in big letters: ALIEN WOMAN IS STILL STANDING.
Oh my god, I just broke out in hives. That was five minutes after the lights dimmed!! You guys, I could have died at her crustacean hands, I'm just saying. Maybe she was a sentry sent out by the collective Twilight hive mind to seek out those that Didn't Believe? I don't know how I escaped with my life intact. YOU'RE WELCOME. Truly I am a soldier for truth. LOL.
The movie opens with a reminder that Bella and Edward are the most boring couple ever as they only like to lay in fields of Forget Me Nots (oh my GOD you guys, that's so significant, almost about to be!!) and stare at each other. Also, Edward continues to sparkle like he went clubbing the night before with some skanky hos that had body glitter on. It's the weakest sparkle there is. I've seen more glitter in the come on a gay man's mustache, HEY-O. (I'm trying to filter out the weak, folks.)
But! This is just a dream. Bella sees her Gramma and she's so excited for Edward to meet her, except IT IS BELLA AND SHE IS OLD AND EDWARD IS NOT. Hey, you know what covered this better? Highlander. I'm just saying, there can only be one. But this is no dream, this is Bella's nightmare! She must become an immortal! Because then SHE can kinda-disco sparkle and move in slow mo and never sleep and go to high school for ever and ever and ever, BLISS.
~it's been said a thousand times, but it bears repeating. WHY would you go back to school if you were a vampire? LAME. No, do not leave me comments explaining why you would, I will only laugh at you. GTFO of high school, vampires! If only to spare your heightened sense of smell the horror that is AXE body spray.
So, until Bella becomes a vampire, she is just going to get older and older, and this is her birthday, and she's now 18 and Edward is 17! Well, 117, but who's counting? SHE'S OLDER THAN HIM NOW. SOMEHOW.
Bella and Edward have a romantique kees and the audience MOANED. Then as the kiss lingered and was more than an after school special chaste kiss (good for you, Kristen and Rob) it changed to nervous laughter. Clearly this audience was equipped with more than a creepy alien collecting information for the Mother Ship; it was filled to the brim with cat collectors and figurine fanciers. It was Susan Boyle-esque, minus the talent. You know what I mean.
Wolfboy (Jacob the Indian - never forget he's a Lamanite, a kinda good guy, but imperfect BECAUSE he's not pure white Edward the Prophet) appears and has THE WORST HAIRPIECE since Donald Trump's first toupee. It is so bad it was seriously distracting me. Well, that and the kid's nose. I'm sorry, but the kid has a doo doo nose. It is grody and puffy and I'm weird and I hate it. But he takes his shirt off a lot, and that bidness is mighty fine, thank god.
Bella ACTUALLY refers to herself as a Pale Face. Are you fucking kidding me. AND. AND! Jacob makes her a DREAM CATCHER, which she nervously laughs about, because she was scared by her I am an old lady dream. Um, not all Indian tribes have freaking Hopi/Navajo dream catcher crafts. Maybe the real Quilete tribes do; it just seemed very over the top to me. I have a note: check to see if there's a braying wolf on the damn thing. And a moon. HI SYMBOLISM.
We have Edward's "sister" the psychic Alice [Bjork] dance in. (In the book she doesn't walk, she dances everywhere. I like to imagine her doing a steady step-ball-change. "I would have killed for a tappa tappa when I was a kid." Bonus points if you get that reference.) Alice/Bjork sees the future that there's an awesome gift that Bella will get for her birthday. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT ALICE SEES THE FUTURE.
We have this fabulous birthday party that the Cullens throw for Bella (Jesus jumped up... this shit is so Mary Sue it's redonk. Shame on people that love this crap. SHAME ON YOU.) and they're all just there to make Bella happy. What a life! It's so "I want everyone to look at me but I don't want to have to ask them to do so!" This is such wish fulfilment on the author's part it's just embarrassing.
Bella goes to open the present that Alice foresaw and GETS A PAPERCUT. And bleeds. In a house of vampires. And to the filmmaker's credit, this was the ONE SCENE with any tension in it. Because she's BLEEDING in a house of VAMPIRES. Alice's forever love Jasper (who has a horrible Little Lord Fauntleroy wig) goes apeshit (see: Vampires, Blood Lust of) and Edward has to fling Bella to safety. Which hurts her. And makes her bleed more. In a HOUSE of-
You get the point.
The vampire dad says something like, "You can't trust vampires," with a "whaddya gonna do?" grin and the audience CRACKED UP. Like, "Ha ha, those scallywags! You just can't, you just can't trust them! Bless their little beef jerky hearts!" GAH. Now, I would just like to intervene with how sucky their resident psychic is. Alice, I've said it once, and I'll say it again: GIFT BAG. No one has to tear shit with a gift bag. Worst. Psychic. Ever.
Bella prints up a picture of herself with Edward (SIIIGH, he's a VAMPIRE they don't have reflections and auuuugh) and folds it in half. She doesn't want to look at herself, ONLY EDWARD. This helps the audience that wants so badly to be Bella (and they all do, let's not kid ourselves. They ALL want to be Bella and have a rich eternal boyfriend that does nothing but throw parties for her, stare at her, and do nothing but focus on HER. Blech.)
Edward decides that Things Have Gone Too Far, makes an "I need to poop" face, packs up the family and moves away after dumping Bella. (In the book he also sneaks into her room and removes every single picture of himself so he doesn't exist.) Bella goes bananas. In the book this is my favorite part, because the words stop. NOTE: that means that THE BOOK GOES BLANK. For ten whole pages. Blank pages. Blank pages in a book. Because she ceases to exist without a man in her life. Don't we all, ladies? Don't we all? LOOK OUT THE ALIEN HANDS SHE'S ATTACKING TH-
Sorry, got off track. I made a bet last year that this scene would be darkness with a swimming underwater noise of life around Bella, then gradually come into focus four months later. Instead we got twirling, always twirling! [/Kang] Bella sits in a chair in some nasty flannel (not a lumpy sweater knit by Edward? Oh, he probably took those back.) as she looks out into nothing. The camera circles her four times and four months pass. LAME.
Highlights: Bella's nightmares that involve SCREAMING like she's giving birth. I've done that, given birth I mean, so I know that scream. Um, HOLY SHIT, A BOY SIMPLY LEFT YOU. Buck up, loser. Remember how in the book she feels that she has a LITERAL (the book's word, ahem) hole in her chest which prompted that series of pictures on my post? Kristen Stewart gives it all she's got, clutching her heart, gasping in pain... JESUS. Woman, you got broken up with, no one set you on fire, nor did you get sold into sexual slavery in Mumbai. Perspective is what I'm trying to get across here. Although a little "Om na Shiva! GALE MAAAAAH!" wouldn't have gone amiss here. I'm just saying, that's a good joke.
Her father comes in one night after a childbirthin' scream and says, "It's not normal, this behavior." That's what I'm saying, Dad! Get her some therapy, STAT.
But! There is a silver lining! Edward's disembodied head floats near when Bella is Super Sad About To Do Something Stupid! Which means that the rest of the movie is nothing but Bella being a daredevil and the shittiest friend ever. Jacob shows back up with his stupid hair and his heart on his sleeve (except how he's shirtless the rest of the movie, thank goodness) and Bella uses him to help herself. "I know you're into me, dude, but just help me see my missing boyfriend's disembodied head, mm'kay?"
Seriously, Bella is a shitty person. A shitty friend, daughter, girlfriend... There is nothing redeemable about this character. Which is fitting, since she's a Mary Sue.
The actress that plays her "friend" (of convenience, it's not like Bella gives a care about anyone but herself) Jessica is hilarious. I also liked the name of the fake movies they're going to see: Face Punch is awesome and Love is Love Spelled Backwards. LOL. I think the director/screenwriters were having their own kind of fun here and I heartily approve.
I have a note written down around this time that says "The dreamcatcher DOES have a braying wolf on it, lol." Also: it's not working because Bella keeps having this screaming dream of emo woe. She continues to write emails to Alice even though Edward made sure to get rid of everyone's email addresses in the Great Vacate of '08 (it rhymed, I don't know when this takes place) ...let's just think about that for a minute, shall we?
"I am Edward, and lo, we must leave here, family that is settled and numbering more than I. And not only will you all give up your lives for me, you will also delete your email accounts. No, Emmett, that means you may no longer IM with Ms. Palin, who should be back home with her children, not sexting you. I'm shocked at your behavior, with Rosalie so plump and fair and in love with you! If you continue this sordid behavior, I will take away your XBox Live privileges. "
Positives: Jacob cuts his hair because now he is a werewolf. All of his buddies are werewolves, too. And one of them ripped up his girlfriend's face in "just a split-second of anger." But they're the good guys. Except for how they're not because the vampires are the good guys.
There are about fifty more floating Edward/wispy smoke Edward heads of Bella-stupidity, and then Bella decides to cliff dive to really bring him back. And the only conflict of the series - the red-headed vampire that wants to kill her - is breast stroking to her under the water. IT IS HILARIOUS. This makes Bella freak out, scramble against the rocks in the ocean's churn, and ... who the hell knows, she's just drowning with smoke-Edward aaaaaaalmost holding her hand. WTF LAME. Jacob OF COURSE saves her and she finds out that her dad's friend Harry Clearwater had a heart attack. Bella's response?
"Is he okay?"
What part of HE HAD A HEART ATTACK didn't you get?! No, he's not okay. Also, he died. Now don't you just feel terrible? And Alice shows up! She thought Bella had killed herself because she's a shitty psychic. And word gets to Edward, so now he's going to kill HIMself by letting the Catholics end his life. I mean, the Volturri. SIDE NOTE: it's revealed that Edward is by himself in Rio - looking at the glowy giant Jesus. Remember in the Sookie Stackhouse books how BEEEEL goes to South America in Book 4 to meet up with a vampire that has all sorts of genealogy records on vamps?
DO YOU SEE?! It's now my personal canon that BEEEL was meeting up with Edward to go through the church records to record everything.
Back to the movie. This brings us to one of the prettier visuals, Kristen Stewart in her black shirt buttoned down to there (she's really a hot girl, it must be said, and she's really doing her best with this crappy role she's been given. Don't blame her, blame the source material.) running through a crowd of people in red robes in Italy. Pretty stuff.
Why is she doing that? Because Edward is going to SPARKLE to death (well, sparkle in public so the catholic vamps will kill him.) She gets to him in time, he looks like he's going to poop, and the Catholics decide to kill them both. Wait, maybe they'll just marvel at her oddity, that she is immune to their powers. (Maybe Alice isn't a shitty psychic after all? No, she is, never mind.) After a lot of intense looks - and I guess there's just not a lot of fiber in blood, because they all just look constipated - it's decided that Alice (or someone else in the family) will turn Bella into a Mormon. I mean, a vampire. Edward is all NUh Uh! And Bella goes, "Sheyah huh!" and Alice is like, "I hear the flowers digging diamonds!" and Jacob goes *scratch my belly and my leg kicks* and they leave Italy.
And Bella's dad gives her a Stern Look for leaving for three days. And let's talk about this, shall we? Bella has to race to Italy to save Edward from Sparklecide and she HAS A PASSPORT. She's 18. She's never been anywhere but Arizona and Washington. And she has a valid passport. Uh huh. And then! THEN!! She goes to Italy, comes back and her dad is just miffed. Like she broke curfew by five minutes. That is some spectacular parenting, there.
Another note I made, regarding the Indians and their "wild nature" versus the cool, calm, collected vampires. The Indians are out-of-control-emotional, and the vampires, SPECIFICALLY EDWARD, are always in control, or actually, just very very controlling. And this is the ideal? And when Bella turns up in Italy (FFS) and is all "You said you never wanted to see me again!! *sad faces!*" and Edward replies, "I had to lie and you believed me so easily." Way to put the blame for you leaving the relationship on her, Douche McGee!
That's just like the lame-ass ending to Pretty In Pink where Blaine says, "I never stopped believing in you, you stopped believing in us" or some bullshit. DUDE. You broke up with her because she was Poor Chick From Shantyville. GAH. Sorry, sidetracked by the stupid.
Another note: the Volturri scenes are really cool. And of course, they're only about 5 minutes long. THEY would make a cool movie. 1, they're proper vampires with blood lust, 2, they have a superiority complex, as one would knowing that you're essentially immortal and can do what you want and 3, they had interesting actors in the role and they got to do interesting things. WELL WE CAN'T HAVE THAT, better get back to Lameville and the Whineathons.
There's a scene where Alice convinces the Volturri that Bella will become a vampire because she can "see it" and they cut to this scene of Bella and Edward running through a meadow (I'm not making this up) and Edward is in KHAKI PANTS and a billowing white shirt and a mother fucking SWEATER VEST. I had to bury my face in my husband's shoulder (regular ol' tee shirt and jacket, not a white shirt nor a sweater vest, woe) I was laughing so hard. How does that translate into vampirism, one, and two, why is that a fantasy outfit for a man??? LOL. Oh, wait, I've been to Temple Square and seen the Eddie Bauer dress clothes, never mind.
The movie ends with them back in Forks, Bella thanking Jacob for all the time killing, but let's be real, he ain't Edward and he never will be. (Which is why the Team Jacob/Team Edward shit is so baffling to me. HOOOOW can you doubt the outcome?!) Then Edward says, "Okay, I'll change you to Vampyre, but only on my terms because I'm an overbearing asshole that every Lonely Heart out there has translated into being someone that actually cares about you. You have to marry me."
BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM!!! My husband groaned, the movie faded to black, and the audience applauded.
And a huge chunk of my soul died.
ETA More on Tappa Tappa because it's so damn funny to me.
Vicki: Now, the key to great dancing is one word: tappa-tappa-tappa.
[the children exchange looks]
[the children try]
Ralph: [concerned] Teacher, my shoes are making noise!
Vicki: You must be Ralph.
Ralph: My daddy shoots people!
% Many tappa-tappa-tappas later, the class progresses nicely. Then Vicki notices someone off the beat. She has Ralph dance by himself and he does fine (albeit entirely different from the rest of the class). Then Vicki has Lisa dance by herself. She loses her balance and falls over backwards into a potted plant. The class laughs at her.
Vicki: Children, stop it! For all you know, she has a medical condition.
Vicki: I see....
At Vicki's dance class again, Lisa is still having trouble staying upright. Lisa blames it on the floor and moves to one end of the room, where she falls down again.
Ralph: Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad!
Little Vicki dismisses the class for five minutes to talk to Lisa.
Lisa: What am I doing wrong, Little Vicki?
Vicki: Well, you're falling a lot. Maybe you should work on that.
Lisa: Yeah, well, no offense, but maybe I need a little more instruction than
Vicki: Why, back when I was your age, I had 43 movies under my belt, and I had
to do it without tappa-tappa-tappa. I would've killed for
Lisa: Sorry, I'm just frustrated.
Vicki: Well, you'll never save Grandpa's farm with that attitude! You've just
got to turn that frown upside-down!
That's a smile, not an upside-down frown! Work on that, too!
Lisa watches an old black-and-white Li'l Vicki movie. Vicki is in bed petting a cat with an hot-water bottle on its head. A man enters the bedroom.
Man: Why is you so down, Little Miss Vicki?
Vicki: My kitty cat's sick, and I'd be ever so sad if she should die.
Man: Well, I'm no animal doctor or nothing, but whenever I'm feeling poorly,
you know what fixes me up? Dancin'!
Man: Dancin'. [does a few steps]
Vicki: But I don't know how to dance.
Man: Oh, I'll show you how.
[Vicki copies the man's steps a few times, then they start dancing at
the same time]
There, now you're gettin' it!
Vicki: Look at me, Powder Puff! I'm dancin'!
[the cat sits up and rubs its eyes (with fake prop arms that are
clearly not attached to the cat), then dances between the two humans]
Lisa: Ugh. The cat dances better than I do.
Vicki: [addresses her class] Okay, kids, tonight's the big night! Now
remember: the important thing is to just dance flawlessly.
Lisa: Excuse me, why isn't my name in the program?
Vicki: It is, silly. You've got the most important part of all. [flips
through the pamphlet]
Lisa: Curtain puller?!
Vicki: No one can see the show if the curtain isn't open.
Lisa: Bu-- My parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I've worked ever
Vicki: I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly
not equal is called what, again, class?
Vicki: That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the
Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat
for the Reds.
God dammit, I love The Simpsons when they're knocking them out of the park.