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In praise of hilarious nicknames

I would like to talk to someone, anyone, about my newest obsession. I am a college-educated woman who strives for intelligence (mostly) and likes feeling like I'm a fairly smart person. I can still solve derivatives, figure out probabilities (on the craps table - always put money on 4 and 10, they're the next most common after 7. 5 and 9 are next, then 6 and 8. 2 and 12 are the hardest to get), and I've still never forgotten the inherent differences of meiosis vs. mitosis and can diagram the multi-step process.


I have a new television show that I simply MUST watch, even though I know that brain cells are being killed off by the hundreds with every passing minute. Of course, I'm talking about the new reality show, "Jersey Shore."

Now, correct me here if I'm wrong, but I was raised to believe that the term "Guido" is akin to... all of the other slanderous terminology for kicking people out of the White Man's circle, no? AKA racist/othering/wrong-o? Is this one of those things where stupid yoots (as in, the two of yoots over dere, not dem geezahs, da kids, da friggin' kids, what are you, retahded?) are appropriating an ugly term? At any rate, it's the only time you'll see me use it, I just feel icky when I hear it, let alone say it.

I would also like to put before the court that I'm from Texas, so I know a few things about big hair, lots of makeup, and 35K a year "millionaires." (Translation on that last one: people who don't make a lot of money but spend it on crap to LOOK like they've got cha-ching.) I have never EVER seen anything like "Snookie" in my life. That was an astounding amount of fake tan, nude lipstick (when you can SEE nude lipstick...) and employment of a bumpit. Had to be a double bumpit, my goodness. Oh, and not to mention the amazing scent of stupid chick. "I'm not used to not being the center of attention." And because they're not focused solely on her, she packs her things to leave. Without irony.


First genuine laugh out loud moment, when the self proclaimed "princess" - who also said time and again how "hot" she is - showed up with all of her things in a black trash bag. One of the guys said, "This chick shows up with a garbage bag. What, you don't got no family with a suitcase you could borrow?" LOL!

For those not watching, here's the show's rundown. 4 guys, 4 girls, all self-proclaimed... er, Jersey Shore types (think Chav, but east coast and not living in council housing) will live together in a "banging pad" (looked like a shit hole to me) for a month during the height of hook-up season on the east coast. Oh, and they also have to (gasp!) WORK. Um, at a t-shirt shop on the beach, so it's not like they're riding garbage trucks or logging trees. To the dudes credit, they all get that they have to work and go at it with gusto. The girls? Not so much. One of them is constantly bitched at by the boss because she can't even finish HANGING UP SHIRTS. She wanders aimlessly around the shop chatting with people and pissed when told she needs to finish a task.

Again, WOW.

But that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is the CLOTHING and the guys' super repressed homosexuality. Now, I'm sorry, but four men admiring each other's muscles, watching each other make out with girls, like, INTENSELY LOOKING at a guy in the same hot tub, making out with a girl? Uh... Yeah. And if they're not gay... dude, that's gay. One of the funnier things about the guys vs. the girls is that the GUYS are the better groomed of the bunch. They primp, gloss their lips, oil their skin, spend over 25 minutes on their hair, and have suitcases full of hair gel. I'm not making that up, one guy has a SUITCASE FULL OF HAIR GEL.

The chicks all have flat hair that looks greasy and unkempt, sloppy bodies in hard body clothing (does that translate? They're dressing like they're well fit, innit? But they isn't.) They look rode hard and put away wet, and let's face it, they were. It's just funny to think of these dudes as hard asses - guys who worship Scarface and the Godfather, and then they pull out their pink lip gloss while the females try and pose as ladies then holler, "Fuck you, Ronnie, I'll rip ya fuckin' bohls off!" And the little elfin chick named "Snookie?" She takes a hard ass punch RIGHT TO THE FACE. And shakes it off with a little girl voice, "Who does that?" Then, we'll find out in the next ep, she'll go grab the guy by his nuts, lift him in the air, and pull his endocrine system out of his navel. Then weep, look tiny and tragic, and apply lip gloss nd touch up her spray tan.

But let's talk about why I'm REALLY watching the show. The accents. Oh dear lord in the sea, the VOICES. First, we have one guy named Mike who's nickname is, I kid you not, "The Situation." This is what he expects people to CALL HIM. As in,

"Hi, Ms. Mike. Is the situation there? May I speak to the situation? We have plans this evening, the situation and I, and I want to make sure the situation knows that I'll be driving."

And that's probably him calling his own mother. Muthah. "Yo, ma! It's the situation! The situation wants you to hoof it to thuh kitchen and cook him some eggs."

1. The guy talks to himself in the third person, always a lulzy moment. 2. He convinces people who come into the t-shirt shop to get things like "I love the situation." on their panties. Because you need that on your britches. 3. He over uses his own nickname, almost to the point of over compensation, like, you imagine no one else is using his nickname and he's desperate to get people to refer to him with one so he can hang with the cool kids.

"We got a situation over he-ah!" And then he raises his shirt. And applies lip gloss.

There's a coffee table in the house (and oh my god, this house!! So tacky, trashy, cheap) that has - I kid you not - RIMS as the legs of the table. There is also a gold lamè lounger for them to rest on. The garage outside has a huge Italian flag painted on it, and inside, behind the wheel rim-coffee table (is they spinnin??) is another Italian flag with a huge CADILLAC SYMBOL imposed over it. I dunno abouts you out dere, but dat is some classy shit. Are you friggin' kidding me with this, dat's byoo-tee-ful! Set me back tree large.

So after they've done some shots and tried to scam on each other, they all sit down "like a family," and attempt to say grace over their sausage and peppahs. And of course, they can't. They bust up laughing every time someone says. "Dear Lord...." One of the girls that looks like Poison kicked her out from backstage for looking slutty gets all pissy, "You don't fuck wit grace, people. You don't do dat!" I wish she would have pulled out a Tommy Gun to threaten them, you know?

The entire time I'm watching this, I'm of course thinking of Johnny Dangerously. "My mother fucked with grace once. Once."

So yeah, I friggin' love this stuff. (And for my Vegas peeps, "Thank you for my new pony boots, Tony.") The show comes on MTV on Thursday nights.

If there's anything I've learned about myself from this show, it's that I don't use nearly enough chapstick. I also just deleted a whole paragraph about last night's Hoarders ep, so you're welcome. *shudder*

I'm diving back into the world of the memoir now. I feel like I need to add the story of the crazy polygamist man, who had been kicked out of the community, who courted me at my job as a fry cook at a bowling alley. By writing me epic poems about my grilled ham and cheese. I wish I was making that up. And that I could remember the 5 minute long poem...

(Also: it seems I'm not getting comment notifications, so I'm not ignoring you. Well, I'm ignoring YOU, you know who you are, but not YOU.)

[ETA] It seems I'm being credited with creating the term Sparkle Peen on UrbanDictionary. Uh... did I? LOL. I'm so internet famous, you guyz. Ahahahaha. My father will be so proud.


( 64 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 8th, 2009 03:35 pm (UTC)
Was not aware of this show, and I am a little afraid! When people find out I'm from NJ they expect so many stereotypical mannerisms, and I inevitably let them down, lol.

I couldn't decide whether to use "invariably" or "inevitably" in the previous sentence. What do you think?
Dec. 8th, 2009 03:45 pm (UTC)
Well, they definitely cast the girls on stereotypes. They show the guys hooking up with random girls, and they don't fit the stereotype at all.

I do expect you to flick your hand under your chin and say "Fangu!" a lot, though. :D
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Dec. 8th, 2009 03:44 pm (UTC)
ROFL. The Italian anti-defamation league tried to get Jersey Shore pulled. But what you're watching, yeah I can pretty much hop on the subway ride to South Philly and see that all day everyday, the Jersey shore is like the Hamptons of South Philly. Well some parts of it, to be fair to Jersey. Also to be fair these people are especially obnoxious, but you are so on about the repressed gay, trust. I know this show is wrong but i will be watching.
Dec. 8th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, south Philly. Please tell me you're watching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" because they nail it. (Minus the accent.) Jersey shore is the Hamptons, AHAHAHAHA! That's hilarious.
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Dec. 8th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
I hadn't heard of this show before, so I shall be particularly superficial and judge it based on your comments and what Google images pulls up. And my Jersey Girl status, of course.

"Guido" is not all that "othering" out here -- it may mean that you're a bit more self-consciously Italian than the other Italians, but only a little. I would expect to hear it from one Italian-American to another, either insultingly or as a term of affection.

The fact that the place looks like a dump means nothing. Prices at the Shore are so high that any place they could afford to live will be both a dump and hideously expensive. It's actually rather important (culturally speaking) what part of the Shore they're in -- does it say? None of the promo material I lazily googled said.

One indication that this is not a cross-sectional crowd is that none of the women dye their hair blonde. That's the most unexected part of their personal styles, to me.

I think I shall find a victim to watch this for me.
Dec. 8th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, and the super-buff guys? Definitely *not* the usual fare, and definitely *does* ring the "someone here is gay" bell. That kind of bodily crafting is not standard-issue, IMHO.
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Dec. 8th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
lj's broke. Comment notifications MIGHT start coming through this afternoon.

Or not.
Dec. 8th, 2009 03:50 pm (UTC)
Ah. *shrug* I'll just check the recent comment page, then.
Dec. 8th, 2009 04:25 pm (UTC)
Oh man, I will watch all sorts of dreck for good accent-scamming. I'm sure Meryl Streep does the same thing. Yeah.

Dec. 8th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC)
LOL - we are totally just like Meryl, yes.

Google bumpit - you can't call yourself a girl from Hotlanta and not know what bumpits are!!
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Dec. 8th, 2009 04:27 pm (UTC)
I grew up in New Jersey (I live in MA now) and when shows like this come on I just have to shake my head. One more thing to give us Jersey Girls a bad name.

As much as I loved the Jersey Shore I am SO thankful that I moved prior to me coming to an age where I could have possibly turned out like that.
Dec. 8th, 2009 04:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, I think it's pretty clear that this is a VERY specific person they're casting. I've known loads of Jersey girls that are smart, attractive, not overly done, and not clothed in ho gear. :D
Dec. 8th, 2009 04:34 pm (UTC)
Jersey Shore up in HERE!

The nicknames! And I don't know who I'd give the overcompensating douche award to, Mike The situation or Ronnie the overpumped midget.

Don't even get me started on J-Wow and Angelina. Oh those broads.

Kinda adoring on Vinny the 21 year old college grad momma's boy that was hating on the stereotype, but karma gave him pink eye so... Whatever, we have matching names so HOLLA!

I also read that Domino's pulled their ads from the show. Domino's maintaining their klassy status.
Dec. 8th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
Okay, Vinny was totally my favorite, too, and the PINK EYE made me laugh so hard!! I loved the draaaaaaama of "does he have the beginnings of pink eye??" like it's freaking HIV.

Seriously with Dominos? Getouttaheyah!
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Dec. 8th, 2009 04:36 pm (UTC)
Looking at a promotional shot proclaiming this group to be The hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos made me cringe and then I watched the promo here:


and absolutely see the appeal! These guidos and guidettes are crazy! No. Really. The Situation, Snookie, Sammi, Angelina (The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island- hee!) all own it and rock it! I'm going to start working on my 2010 Hallowe'en costume right now, starting with a push up bra and hot heels! Also, saying I'm looking for a nice, juiced hot tanned guy without cracking up is going to take work.

I can already tell this is going to be a laugh out loud guilty pleasure.
Dec. 8th, 2009 04:50 pm (UTC)
The Kim Kardashian.... that's the one that brought her things in a black garbage bag, too. AHAHAHAHA.

JUICED. That means 'roided up where I come from. It's HILARIOUS, this show. And now you have someone that will guilty-pleasure watch it with you. (It's like the dating years of the Real Housewives of New Jersey! Ya prostitute HOAR! Lol.)
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Dec. 8th, 2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
You should clearly change your LJ name to "The Situation".
Dec. 8th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
DONE. I got your situation right he-ah.
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Dec. 8th, 2009 05:50 pm (UTC)

I've actually met the person who coined the word "sparkle peen". *quivers*

I bet that term's been translated into multiple languages, too. OH LOOK IT HAS:

In Hebrew: הפין הניצוץ
So pretty in Polski: Iskierka peene
En Español: Pene chispa
Ooh la la: pénis sparkle
Come and keep your comrade sparkly: искриться пениса
Lativian: dzirkstīšana peen
Say it like Imelda Marcos: brilyo titi
Meet me under the twinkling Estonian skies: sädemeke peenis
And, in German: Funkelen peen

Dec. 8th, 2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
ESTONIAN FOR THE WIN. except for how German pwns it. IT PWNS IT.
Dec. 8th, 2009 06:43 pm (UTC)
Having grown up in the most Italian part of NJ I can say that NO ONE calls themself a guido. It is something you are called. And it's not a very nice word but it's not a very loaded, awful word either. I've used it plenty of times to explain why I hate going to certain bars and why I won't go to Seaside Heights anymore (the part of the Shore where Jersey Shore was filmed).

I watched Real Housewives of NJ with a lot of homesick nostalgia but I caught five minutes of Jersey Shore and wanted to scream. The worst is that most of the cast is from Staten Island which is not part of NJ. I can laugh at a lot of Jersey stereotypes and embody some of them but this show just makes me sad.

Last night's Hoarders is something I wish I could forget.
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:00 pm (UTC)
I read an article that laughed about how they're not from Jersey. The guy with the hair is from Rhode Island. They're all "aspiring" guidos? WOW.

Last night's Hoarders had me taking a quick shower before I could fall asleep. Ack.
... - beyondrubicon - Dec. 8th, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, gawd... Is that show for real?? o.O
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
YES!!! Augh! it's hilariously awful.
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:07 pm (UTC)
When I first saw a preview for that show it made me shudder in horror, now after reading your review I'm sad that I missed it! Luckily it's on mtv and will be replayed about a thousand times before next week.

You should post your paragraph about Hoarders. I watch that show while I clean house, and follow it up with a shower. Your writeup would probably make the whole thing less sad and horrifying for me to watch.
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, there was no laughing about things, more about me itching and not being able to eat dinner. Or breakfast. OY.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:53 pm (UTC)

The Situation (not me, you may have noticed I've changed my LJ name) not only refers to his abs as The Situation, but The Situation in situ is also The Situation. As is anything he does. IT IS GLORIOUS. Please call me The Status Quo from now on, kthx.

I would totally go to Seaside with you and fake a glorious accent for scientific purposes. And then buy us lots of liquor. (Lih-kah)
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:18 pm (UTC)
I like watching Hoarders, in a train-wreck, makes-me-sad-for-people way. Some of the time I feel sorry for the people, that they're wrestling so hard with some underlying mental health problems, and sometimes I feel more sorry for their families, who've had to watch the disintegration & can't help. And I REALLY feel sorry for the animals involved, who can't even get themselves out of the situation they've been stuck in. That Augustine lady from last week? I don't know where animal control/SPCA was but they should've been all over that & removed the pets from the house for their well-being.
Dec. 8th, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
Sometimes I feel so sad for them, too, and then there are times when they're just mean and awful and clearly refuse to seek help and they KNOW they need it. (Last year's mother that let her kids be taken away comes to mind.)

Oh, the animals!!!! SO SAD. Oh, wait - I thought that ladies animals WERE taken away? And that was what brought her to the attention of the show? I might have them mixed up. OH, RIGHT. Her son was. Oy.
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( 64 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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