Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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In praise of hilarious nicknames

I would like to talk to someone, anyone, about my newest obsession. I am a college-educated woman who strives for intelligence (mostly) and likes feeling like I'm a fairly smart person. I can still solve derivatives, figure out probabilities (on the craps table - always put money on 4 and 10, they're the next most common after 7. 5 and 9 are next, then 6 and 8. 2 and 12 are the hardest to get), and I've still never forgotten the inherent differences of meiosis vs. mitosis and can diagram the multi-step process.


I have a new television show that I simply MUST watch, even though I know that brain cells are being killed off by the hundreds with every passing minute. Of course, I'm talking about the new reality show, "Jersey Shore."

Now, correct me here if I'm wrong, but I was raised to believe that the term "Guido" is akin to... all of the other slanderous terminology for kicking people out of the White Man's circle, no? AKA racist/othering/wrong-o? Is this one of those things where stupid yoots (as in, the two of yoots over dere, not dem geezahs, da kids, da friggin' kids, what are you, retahded?) are appropriating an ugly term? At any rate, it's the only time you'll see me use it, I just feel icky when I hear it, let alone say it.

I would also like to put before the court that I'm from Texas, so I know a few things about big hair, lots of makeup, and 35K a year "millionaires." (Translation on that last one: people who don't make a lot of money but spend it on crap to LOOK like they've got cha-ching.) I have never EVER seen anything like "Snookie" in my life. That was an astounding amount of fake tan, nude lipstick (when you can SEE nude lipstick...) and employment of a bumpit. Had to be a double bumpit, my goodness. Oh, and not to mention the amazing scent of stupid chick. "I'm not used to not being the center of attention." And because they're not focused solely on her, she packs her things to leave. Without irony.


First genuine laugh out loud moment, when the self proclaimed "princess" - who also said time and again how "hot" she is - showed up with all of her things in a black trash bag. One of the guys said, "This chick shows up with a garbage bag. What, you don't got no family with a suitcase you could borrow?" LOL!

For those not watching, here's the show's rundown. 4 guys, 4 girls, all self-proclaimed... er, Jersey Shore types (think Chav, but east coast and not living in council housing) will live together in a "banging pad" (looked like a shit hole to me) for a month during the height of hook-up season on the east coast. Oh, and they also have to (gasp!) WORK. Um, at a t-shirt shop on the beach, so it's not like they're riding garbage trucks or logging trees. To the dudes credit, they all get that they have to work and go at it with gusto. The girls? Not so much. One of them is constantly bitched at by the boss because she can't even finish HANGING UP SHIRTS. She wanders aimlessly around the shop chatting with people and pissed when told she needs to finish a task.

Again, WOW.

But that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is the CLOTHING and the guys' super repressed homosexuality. Now, I'm sorry, but four men admiring each other's muscles, watching each other make out with girls, like, INTENSELY LOOKING at a guy in the same hot tub, making out with a girl? Uh... Yeah. And if they're not gay... dude, that's gay. One of the funnier things about the guys vs. the girls is that the GUYS are the better groomed of the bunch. They primp, gloss their lips, oil their skin, spend over 25 minutes on their hair, and have suitcases full of hair gel. I'm not making that up, one guy has a SUITCASE FULL OF HAIR GEL.

The chicks all have flat hair that looks greasy and unkempt, sloppy bodies in hard body clothing (does that translate? They're dressing like they're well fit, innit? But they isn't.) They look rode hard and put away wet, and let's face it, they were. It's just funny to think of these dudes as hard asses - guys who worship Scarface and the Godfather, and then they pull out their pink lip gloss while the females try and pose as ladies then holler, "Fuck you, Ronnie, I'll rip ya fuckin' bohls off!" And the little elfin chick named "Snookie?" She takes a hard ass punch RIGHT TO THE FACE. And shakes it off with a little girl voice, "Who does that?" Then, we'll find out in the next ep, she'll go grab the guy by his nuts, lift him in the air, and pull his endocrine system out of his navel. Then weep, look tiny and tragic, and apply lip gloss nd touch up her spray tan.

But let's talk about why I'm REALLY watching the show. The accents. Oh dear lord in the sea, the VOICES. First, we have one guy named Mike who's nickname is, I kid you not, "The Situation." This is what he expects people to CALL HIM. As in,

"Hi, Ms. Mike. Is the situation there? May I speak to the situation? We have plans this evening, the situation and I, and I want to make sure the situation knows that I'll be driving."

And that's probably him calling his own mother. Muthah. "Yo, ma! It's the situation! The situation wants you to hoof it to thuh kitchen and cook him some eggs."

1. The guy talks to himself in the third person, always a lulzy moment. 2. He convinces people who come into the t-shirt shop to get things like "I love the situation." on their panties. Because you need that on your britches. 3. He over uses his own nickname, almost to the point of over compensation, like, you imagine no one else is using his nickname and he's desperate to get people to refer to him with one so he can hang with the cool kids.

"We got a situation over he-ah!" And then he raises his shirt. And applies lip gloss.

There's a coffee table in the house (and oh my god, this house!! So tacky, trashy, cheap) that has - I kid you not - RIMS as the legs of the table. There is also a gold lamè lounger for them to rest on. The garage outside has a huge Italian flag painted on it, and inside, behind the wheel rim-coffee table (is they spinnin??) is another Italian flag with a huge CADILLAC SYMBOL imposed over it. I dunno abouts you out dere, but dat is some classy shit. Are you friggin' kidding me with this, dat's byoo-tee-ful! Set me back tree large.

So after they've done some shots and tried to scam on each other, they all sit down "like a family," and attempt to say grace over their sausage and peppahs. And of course, they can't. They bust up laughing every time someone says. "Dear Lord...." One of the girls that looks like Poison kicked her out from backstage for looking slutty gets all pissy, "You don't fuck wit grace, people. You don't do dat!" I wish she would have pulled out a Tommy Gun to threaten them, you know?

The entire time I'm watching this, I'm of course thinking of Johnny Dangerously. "My mother fucked with grace once. Once."

So yeah, I friggin' love this stuff. (And for my Vegas peeps, "Thank you for my new pony boots, Tony.") The show comes on MTV on Thursday nights.

If there's anything I've learned about myself from this show, it's that I don't use nearly enough chapstick. I also just deleted a whole paragraph about last night's Hoarders ep, so you're welcome. *shudder*

I'm diving back into the world of the memoir now. I feel like I need to add the story of the crazy polygamist man, who had been kicked out of the community, who courted me at my job as a fry cook at a bowling alley. By writing me epic poems about my grilled ham and cheese. I wish I was making that up. And that I could remember the 5 minute long poem...

(Also: it seems I'm not getting comment notifications, so I'm not ignoring you. Well, I'm ignoring YOU, you know who you are, but not YOU.)

[ETA] It seems I'm being credited with creating the term Sparkle Peen on UrbanDictionary. Uh... did I? LOL. I'm so internet famous, you guyz. Ahahahaha. My father will be so proud.
Tags: oh em gee, trw:oompah loompahland, tv
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