I swear to god, I love this show. It's absolutely crack and KUH-RAY-ZEE. Have a great weekend, everyone!
A'ight, it's Jersey Shore time! This is Stoney with the weekly recap of The Real World: Oompah Loompah Land, the Jersey Shore.
A recap from last week, there was drinkin', fightin', fist pumpin', and some lovin'. The Situation's love count is still sitting at a big goose egg.
Pauly D, the dude with the blow out, aka Cactus Head
Ronnie, the guy that looks like a puffy version of David Boreanaz, aka Inflatable Dave aka Voldemort laugh
Mike Da Situation, the big talker with a butter-face
And Vinnie, who apparently is the most boring person ever because he's never on camera. He does have, however, perfectly scultped lady-brows, so we call him Brow Wax
We got da ladies,
Snookie, aka Snickles, Snack-size, Snuck in under the radar, Snatch for hire
Sami Sweetheart (and I've got money riding on her not ACTUALLY being a sweetheart)
JWoww, who looks like my old Tuesday Weld barbie doll mated with Christina Agulerra, so's we call her Weldulerra
and Trash bags scrambled, so we're down to just the seven.
Through a series of unfortate events, namely Sami and Inflatable Dave flirting with other people, Inflatable Dave hissy-footed it back to the pad, and Sami was led to believe he and Weldulerra and her extensions were gonna get freaky (with you....) Her response?
"I'm gonna knock a bitch up!" First, that's not possible biologically. Oh, she means pull someone's hair and scratch at them, sissy fighting! Got it.
Inflatable Dave walks home with his head LITERALLY hanging down, and I immediately insert the Charlie Brown music [sing it] but with some low end and a lot of un tiss un tiss high hat. And his shirt's off. Of course it is. Walking home sad makes you so hot. "I'm too friggin' sad fer a shirt!"
Sami is right behind him and they both decide to call each other names, say how "disgusting" the other person is, and you get the impression that this is supposed to make the other person like you again. As one would expect, this doesn't work, so she storms off with Inflatable Dave chasing her, now, and someone he became too sad for his pants, so he wraps a conveniently placed towel around his hips.
It's been 4 days, or something like that, and this firecracker seems to have fizzled out, folks. "Summer lovin', happened so fast..."
BUT WAIT. They both start crying, which proves their love for each other, and Inflatable Dave says, "I was trying to put you in the equation. Like you, in the equation." I figure the equation was
"1 + 1 divided by ya legs = me pounding you to pleasure town, no disrespect. In case it weren't clear, the ones was you and me."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, The Situation and Pauly D seem to have pulled a couple of girls and get them to the hot tub, and in case you lived in a hut in the middle of nowhere, once you enter a hot tub, you've pretty much set yourself up for something freaky, just know that, ladies. These guys talk the girls into getting in without bathing suits because "panties is totally like a suit, wha?"
Next thing you know they're in the bedroom with a nightvision camera filming, and can I just say right now how freaking creepy that is? Can you imagine being on the production crew and having to sift through the footage, one, and two, being a person that was filmed and signing a release form to let them air it? Who are these stupid, stupid girls that let their one night stands be FILMED fa crissakes?
But back to the Situation gettin' his own situation taken care of. Pauly informs us that he can't get wid his girl, because , as he said, "I can't have sex with her 'cause she's on her period."
Brotha, you can still paddle that river even if you don't want to drink with it, okay? Pfft. Lady man.
There's a timely mention of condoms and why they're great to use, and then the young lady that's about to get a little situation (I imagine) gets her head on right and they decide to leave. ASAP.
The Situation can NOT get cock blocked again, can he?
"You gotta go?"
"...the both of yous?"
"I'm like, chill out, Freckles McGee."
The Situation = 0, the goddess of cock blocking = 1
Next day and Weldulerra makes a fortuitous phone call on the friggin' duck phone to her maybe boyfriend, goes on and on about how much she loves him, and she's give up anything for him. And Pauly D - he of the pierced penis she was so into the day before - is about to fall over while eavesdropping. I wonder if anything is going to come from this?
Inflatable Dave notices Sami being weird around him, and I'm SHOCKED, shocked, I tells ya, to hear him say something fairly deep: "Maybe she likes me, but she's just worried about getting burned by another dude?" Huh!
They walk along the shore holding hands and fireworks start going off. I wonder if they're boning and MTV is trying to be subtle... Yep, a shot in nightvision of them in the bed going at it. Then a quick cut to massive fireworks going off, HEY-O, what's that mean?
Incidentally, way to steal an old and cliched trope best done by the movie "Harold and Maude."
The guys gotta stay fresh. You think they roll out of bed stinking of Axe body spray and their skin just *naturally* looks that orange? They have to WORK at it, ladies. The guys head to a barbershop - one adjacent to a tanning booth and they leave their underwear ON, why would you do that in a tanning booth?? Oh, wait, STDs. Lysol spray probably doesn't kill what grows out there.
The Situation lets us know that you gotta die staying fresh. And you gotta keep a fresh bod, and work out at least an hour, because he's up in the club just working on my fitness (he's my witneses, oooowheee! I put yo boy on rock rock, and he'll be linin' down the block just to watch what I got. Da Situation.)
Quick cut to Inflatable Dave letting us in on the low caliber of honey the Situation attracts. "He would bang a gatorade bottle if it had a pulse right now." That's a flavor I'm definitely not into - it's the aftertaste of desperation that just sets me off.
Vinnie walks out, his one chance to be on camera lost forever. I guess he didn't need his brows waxed.
It's time to get juiced up, gloss them lips, and get the tightest clothes on because it's club time. Snickels starts doing backflips and back hand springs on the dance floor. honey, it's a DANCE floor, not the endzone.
"I love being the center of attention." she says, and they cut to her on some guy's shoulders, doing a back bend into Welduerra's hair extensions.
And we FINALLY have fist pumping! And there's an instruction portion of our dance-off.
"First, we start by poundin the ground to da beat. Then we start hittin at each other like we're banging that beat." If that's how you "bang" then that might be why y'all are 0 for 50.
Jump cut to Weldulerra, devoid of Snickles in her hair, and she's writhing up on Pauly's D, just HOURS after her promise to her boyfriend that she'd give up anything for him.
"Wha? I was talkin about that dude on the corner named Anything. I don't need his coke no mores."
The editors of this show are clearly having a great time because they catch Da Situation whispering something to a really pretty girl and she shakes her head "no" in disgust. 0 for 51!
Fortunately, Da Situation has Pauly D to help him keep da situation in check and they pull a couple of girls. "They a'ight, we just need to get some." Take note, ladies. You are in for a one time thing if you leave with a dude from a club, in case you didn't know. All they're looking for is to screw, period. The four leave the club.
Snickles pops out of a liberty hold with some goomba. "Where'd every body go? They left with some broads like usual."
Some very nice looking preppy guy walks her home, aww. So of course she has to take the genteel moment and ruin it by hopping on his back after twisting her ankle from drunk walking in heels. And she's totally lost, has no idea where home is, so they just go to the beach and make out. It's just like a fairy tale.
Pauly D and the situation see two other chicks that are way hotter in a Mercedes, so they dump the so-so chicks and try to scam on the others, and are successful at getting them to the patio with the hot tub. But they won't get in. And they're not going to mess around, either. At least it's very clear that the chick with the Situation isn't into it. (o for 52!) But hey, hey, the Sarahs Plain and Tall show up so they get THEM to come in, walk the Mercedes duo past them, and kick them out.
Time to fire up the hot tub and see what percolates! But the hot tub is taking forever to heat up and the... less attractive of the two is just drunk, irritating, and not having it. So the Situation sets Pauly D up as Wingman, that ever important job for a bro. He's got to handle "The Grenade."
Now, a "grenade" is an ugly chick that one of the guys in the pack "falls on" to keep everything else from blowing up. As Pauly puts it, "My girl is busted." Pauly's willing to go into battle, but to a point. He'd be the guy waving everyone on the beach at Normandy while he motorboated it back to the battleship. "No, you guys got it, Imma catch some Zs. PEACE."
So they're trying the hot tub thing again and that's the point where he decides to go to bed. Situation and Willing Wanda sneak off to the bedroom and start getting it on when The Grenade shows up in the room, whining.
"You don't wanna do this."
"Get outta here, why you hating on this?"
"You don't wanna do this, let's go."
AND THEY DO. The Situation is now 0 for 54. Someone keep an eye out for any and all Gatorade bottles in the house and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT drink out of one who's seal has been broken.
Snickles and the random guy wake up to a beautiful sunrise at the beach. The waves are gentle, the bird calls are soothing, and the seaweed harvester/tractor thingy rumbles with the deisl sound of love's sweet bliss. Or a giant with IBS.
Snickels, of course, is pissed she didn't get any. And then it turns out that her random guy was actually a SPY from Weldulerra's boyfriend. Is this is a shallow gene pool they're all spashing in, or what?
The Spy reports to the boyfriend that Weldulerra was all up on Pauly's D and she defends it by screaming, "Wha? Me and Pauly was just battling to house music."
Battling. They were just battling. Okay, your crotches were battling that spandex and denim prison they were trapped in. His dick was fighting to get out of that Hanoi hell hole he calls his Buckle jeans. Dance battle. [laugh]
Snickels can't help this fight because her mutha is here and she loves her mutha very much. And her mom looks like a midwestern soccer mom, not at all what I was expecting. I thought of someonelike Karen from Goodfellas, and we get Marjorie who brings crustables to the office ladies at the elementary school in colored plastic wrap.
They go to the beach and her mother stares at the waves and says, 'It looks dirty."
Snickles? "It's the Jersey Shore, ma."
That needs to be on bumper stickers STAT.
They are really sweet together, though, and Snickles loves her mother and cries when she leaves. Awww. Snookie-snatch is my favorite.
They all go to the bar because it's been, like , three hours since there was house music and booze. Inflatable Dave comments on how they're all getting along, everyone's having so much fun, what a great time it is. BUM BUM BUUUUM!
I bet this can't last.
3 dudes keep hanging around the group getting shit-faced, and then start taking their drinks from them. Da Situation is all over this out of control situation by trying to sneak in at the bar and get their shots before they get stolen. And he's all smiles and apologies because these guys are huge and look like they're spoiling for a fight.
Snickles gets up on a bar stool to be as tall as them and tells them to leave and to stop stealing their shots. This one dude who looks like he eats rocks says, "Fuck you!" and takes them anyway. He tries to tell someone else that the SItuation is buying them for those guys. Snickles - who doesn't shy away from anything, which is why I like her - tells them again to stop stealing their stuff and for them to get their ugly faces out of-
MTV faded to black here, even though they showed this scene over and over leading up to it. The guy has a fist like a brick and socks her straight in the nose. CRACK. Jesus, it's disturbing.
She falls to the floor holding her face and sobbing (poor baby) and EVERYONE grabs this douchebag, hustling him out of there yelling "You don't hit a girl! You don't hit a girl!" Weldulerra leaps on his back and pounds anything available with her fist, then rushes back to Snickle's side to see if she's okay.
Inflatable Dave and Mike rally, the douche rock eater tries to escape and looks right into the camera, his face panic stricken as the realization that he was just filmed punching a girl in the face hits him. And I'm sure you're all aware by now that this utter asswipe is a school gym teacher, and he's on suspension and is facing jail time. Good. Asshole hitting a girl that's barely 5 feet tall? Dick.
And really, this whole scene is a really serious moment. The guys - the prima donnas with the 2 hour hair style sessions, the lip gloss, the fist pumping, these guys KNOW that you do not hit a girl. They were absolutely ready to defend this girl they've been living with for a week and it's suprisingly touching. It's a way for us to take a breath after the really shocking moment of seeing a girl waylaid in the face. it's pretty cool.
"You're going to jail, bro!" is the voice over as this guy is slammed against a cop car and handcuffed.
"I never even seen that girl before!" is his excuse.
What the hell, dude? Like that makes it okay? MTV immediately cuts to a bump that states "Violence against women in any form is a crime." They also provide a link to www.loveisrespect.com, so I will too.
But please don't think it's all going to end on a serious note, this is MTV for chrissakes. They don't have a Very Special Episode like when Tootie got all hopped up on her obsession for Jermaine Jackson and Mrs. Garrett was frightened.
Inflatable Dave's mom is due for a visit and she pisses and moans about having to wait for Sami to do her friggin hair because she is - quote - needing to get her tan on. And then everyone will be partying on boats, except for Inflatable Dave and Sami because they're going to get into a fight, I bet.
All in all, no vomit, one hook up, one fight, and house music was infinity.
FIST PUMPIN LIKE CHAMPS, BRO! Sick episode, bro, sick episode. This is Stoney, I'm out.