Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Happy Day!!! If yours isn't, feed off of me, my succubi!

Such a great day today. Cold, blowy, icy... Turned into sunny and cold and hot chocolate wanting. Always of the good. Got many things squared away for Christmas, got my tree up and purdy (I'm not a believer, but I love the decorations of Christmas), and best of all:

HAPPY MAIL DAY!! Got a postcard from dovil with a wistful and at peace Kiwi holding his lover, er, sheep around the neck. Such girly and clear handwriting you have, my dear!

Got a CD of music from anelith with lovely Celtic and Bluegrass selections! I have to reboot my PC, then it is going straight in! (Apparently you are supposed to reboot more often than once a month. Huh.)

I got silly earlier (no, me? Shocking, isn't it.) and wrote a pamphlet for broaching taboo topics with family and friends. To avoid bitch slapping, don't you know. And thanks to sdwolfpup, I cannot get "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring Banana Phone!" out of my head, but Emily is tickled by it, so it has been on a constant loop for most of the afternoon.

CDs going out tonight! I'll post the playlists later!

How to Talk Taboo, By Stoney

Talking about God (unless you are on a bike with a skinny tie and a matching companion) is considered a no-no in mixed company. Tempers flare, feelings are hurt, and once you stab someone in the leg for not accepting that the Pharisees were a politically driven group of people, only interested in furthering their own self-interests, there is no going back.

The key is to use soothing words that make the other person feel at ease, while still maintaining your point of view. After all, if you are making the effort to tell someone your views (which are right, by the way) you are obviously more open-minded than they are. You did read Joseph Campbell, after all. What did they read? The Bible??

An example conversation may happen like this:
You: "You ever see those morons, the Jehovah's Witnesses? What a bunch of dummies."
Them: "I am a Jehovah's Witness."
You: "Then you must be the smartest one of them all. Bet you get into 'heaven.'" Don't forget the finger quotes.

The key here is to use big words to disarm your opponent, or fellow dining partner. To carry yourself with the air of the educated sets you apart from most of the yokels who just go to museums to look at "pictures." You go to find something that matches the couch, silly. And never forget your "feeling" words!

You: "Van Gogh (say "go" and not "goff") used "swirly" lines to express chaos in his works, and also because it was faster."
Them: "Actually, he was breaking away from the common "Pointillism" style favored by his contemporaries."
You: "I feel that this painting is overpriced. The artist must be a megalomaniac."
Them: "Actually, this painting is considered under-priced according to Sothebey's."
You: "Sothebey's? At least the words I make up sound like real words."

With our country more divided than ever, it's hard to know which side the other person is on. It is best to start with a loaded statement to divine which party they are aligned with.

You: "It's a good thing President ____ won. What's up with those pinko-homos who didn't vote for them? They must be the stupidest people on the planet. I mean, do we REALLY want colored people to have equal rights? And who the hell needs so much clean water to drink when we have good old-fashioned Coca-Cola™ to drink? And if those girls didn't dress that way, they wouldn't get knocked up in the first place. Am I right?"
Them: *crickets before walking quickly away*

Times have changed enough that society as a whole is more open to discussing matters of a sexual nature. People appreciate detail.

You: "So he's got me bent over the table, I got the butter dish sliming my gut up, and he gets the idea for "a more natural lube." Hey. You ever hear of "Prison Spooning?"
Them: *thud*

Hopefully this will enable you and yours to draw closer over the holidays and share the greatest gift of all: your unsolicited thoughts.
Tags: essays, funneh, how2, intarwebnets
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