Dear Drivers Who Think This Isn't About Them:
It is. You're not as good of a driver as you think you are. No, you're not. No. Stop arguing with me, I know you're arguing after each sentence. Everyone else is a jerk, right? Well... I bet you've been the jerk at least once, too. Hell, I'll admit to the occasional cutting someone off, but I *do* try to let them see me wave an apology or mouth "I'm sorry!" to diffuse anger.
But here's the real problem. PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN. Do not talk on the phone while you drive at high speeds. I know you think you're paying attention, but studies will back me up on this one: YOU AREN'T. A person talking on a cell phone (just talking, I've not even BEGUN to talk about the idiots who text while driving) is just as dangerous on the road as a person who's had 4 ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. Read that again. You're just yappin' to the Bunko Group about who's going to bring the boxed wine to the t-shirt/candle party tonight, that's not - HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THAT CAR COME FROM@!?!
Yeah. You drift, you slow down (and you're in the fast lane, we'll talk about THAT, too) you don't pay attention to your side mirrors, and here's the thing. You think you ARE paying attention. But your brain isn't capable of processing multi-sources of data. You are not Neo. We are not in the Matrix. You cannot listen to something, hold something to your head, be behind the wheel of a fast moving object, and focus on all of the other fast-moving objects around you. YOU CANNOT. Not WELL. Read that again if you think you're disqualified for whatever asinine reason you tell yourself. YOU CANNOT. Blame God, blame Darwin, blame the Big Bang, whoever is behind making our brains the way they are. That's all there is to it.
And let me just remind everyone that the LEFT LANE IS THE FAST LANE. You do not cruise in that lane. You use that lane to PASS. Then you get OUT of that lane. That is not the speed limit lane. That is not the "oh, I want to make a call" lane. That is not the safety lane. That is for assholes that want to punch it and get around other assholes. Yes, I put myself in there, because if you only heard the things I say about you as you cruise in the fast lane going juuuust below the speed limit, blocking cars for a mile, and chit chatting with your bestest bud about absolutely nothing, you'd think I was an asshole.
But I'm not, you are. So sorry. Please. With a cherry on top. Get out of the fast lane when someone is going FASTER than you.
Now, I have a working theory on idiots in the fast lane being on their cell phones. I think they like being there because they only have to worry about one side of their car, visually. WOW THAT IS SO SELFISH. Augh!!
Now, about those jerk offs that text while driving: you are as bad as a person with EIGHT ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES in them. EIGHT. Think about that - can you drink 8 shots in an hour and be okay to drive? NO, YOU CAN'T. And if I catch any of you driving while drunk, I'll knock your block off. With love, true, but still. Texting means your brain is engaged in the alphabet, in spelling, in your fingers making those words, in the message sent, in the message you want to send, and see how none of that has anything to do with DRIVING A CAR?
When I was a kid (lol) we had a PSA that showed a teen boy killing a child because he was fiddling with the radio stations (back when we had twisty-dials. Made from dinosaurs.) That's a RADIO! And some of you are checking email/facebook/IMs?! Are you out of your cotton-picking minds? Why on earth do you think that's acceptable? It is so incredibly dangerous. You may not have had a massive wreck up to this point, but you're just playing Russian Roulette, and doing it with all of us under the gun.
Stop it. There is no email, no phone call worth a car accident that has the potential to kill you, not to mention anyone else. There is no text, no facebook update that is worth it. You're not that important. That conversation is not that important. It's not. Are you a pediatric cardiologist? No? Then you're not that important. Are you President Obama? Then you're not that important. And he has a driver so he can make those important calls while zipping about.
PULL OVER if you have to answer the phone. Hand the phone to someone else in the car to answer/text/whatever. That's what I do: my daughter gets my phone when we get in the car. I won't talk on the phone in the car. Oh, I used to on occasion, and then I realized what an asshole I was being. Everyone in my house knows that Mom doesn't answer the phone in the car, but I will get back to them as soon as I can.
Remember how no one had car phones and civilization didn't fall apart?
Seriously. HANG UP AND DRIVE.
Thanks, most sincerely,
There, I feel much better. Good lord, half of the morons I saw had kids in their cars, too. Won't someone think of the children? Or at least me? Ahaha.