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While I obviously love getting audition calls (this morning) the one bad thing is driving to them. I live waaaaaay out of town, so I get to travel long distances on highways to get to the audition site, typically. Oh, I don't mind being in my car, what I do mind is all of the idiots on the road. If I may...

Dear Drivers Who Think This Isn't About Them:

It is. You're not as good of a driver as you think you are. No, you're not. No. Stop arguing with me, I know you're arguing after each sentence. Everyone else is a jerk, right? Well... I bet you've been the jerk at least once, too. Hell, I'll admit to the occasional cutting someone off, but I *do* try to let them see me wave an apology or mouth "I'm sorry!" to diffuse anger.

But here's the real problem. PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN. Do not talk on the phone while you drive at high speeds. I know you think you're paying attention, but studies will back me up on this one: YOU AREN'T. A person talking on a cell phone (just talking, I've not even BEGUN to talk about the idiots who text while driving) is just as dangerous on the road as a person who's had 4 ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. Read that again. You're just yappin' to the Bunko Group about who's going to bring the boxed wine to the t-shirt/candle party tonight, that's not - HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THAT CAR COME FROM@!?!

Yeah. You drift, you slow down (and you're in the fast lane, we'll talk about THAT, too) you don't pay attention to your side mirrors, and here's the thing. You think you ARE paying attention. But your brain isn't capable of processing multi-sources of data. You are not Neo. We are not in the Matrix. You cannot listen to something, hold something to your head, be behind the wheel of a fast moving object, and focus on all of the other fast-moving objects around you. YOU CANNOT. Not WELL. Read that again if you think you're disqualified for whatever asinine reason you tell yourself. YOU CANNOT. Blame God, blame Darwin, blame the Big Bang, whoever is behind making our brains the way they are. That's all there is to it.

And let me just remind everyone that the LEFT LANE IS THE FAST LANE. You do not cruise in that lane. You use that lane to PASS. Then you get OUT of that lane. That is not the speed limit lane. That is not the "oh, I want to make a call" lane. That is not the safety lane. That is for assholes that want to punch it and get around other assholes. Yes, I put myself in there, because if you only heard the things I say about you as you cruise in the fast lane going juuuust below the speed limit, blocking cars for a mile, and chit chatting with your bestest bud about absolutely nothing, you'd think I was an asshole.

But I'm not, you are. So sorry. Please. With a cherry on top. Get out of the fast lane when someone is going FASTER than you.

Now, I have a working theory on idiots in the fast lane being on their cell phones. I think they like being there because they only have to worry about one side of their car, visually. WOW THAT IS SO SELFISH. Augh!!

Now, about those jerk offs that text while driving: you are as bad as a person with EIGHT ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES in them. EIGHT. Think about that - can you drink 8 shots in an hour and be okay to drive? NO, YOU CAN'T. And if I catch any of you driving while drunk, I'll knock your block off. With love, true, but still. Texting means your brain is engaged in the alphabet, in spelling, in your fingers making those words, in the message sent, in the message you want to send, and see how none of that has anything to do with DRIVING A CAR?

When I was a kid (lol) we had a PSA that showed a teen boy killing a child because he was fiddling with the radio stations (back when we had twisty-dials. Made from dinosaurs.) That's a RADIO! And some of you are checking email/facebook/IMs?! Are you out of your cotton-picking minds? Why on earth do you think that's acceptable? It is so incredibly dangerous. You may not have had a massive wreck up to this point, but you're just playing Russian Roulette, and doing it with all of us under the gun.

Stop it. There is no email, no phone call worth a car accident that has the potential to kill you, not to mention anyone else. There is no text, no facebook update that is worth it. You're not that important. That conversation is not that important. It's not. Are you a pediatric cardiologist? No? Then you're not that important. Are you President Obama? Then you're not that important. And he has a driver so he can make those important calls while zipping about.

PULL OVER if you have to answer the phone. Hand the phone to someone else in the car to answer/text/whatever. That's what I do: my daughter gets my phone when we get in the car. I won't talk on the phone in the car. Oh, I used to on occasion, and then I realized what an asshole I was being. Everyone in my house knows that Mom doesn't answer the phone in the car, but I will get back to them as soon as I can.

Remember how no one had car phones and civilization didn't fall apart?


Thanks, most sincerely,

There, I feel much better. Good lord, half of the morons I saw had kids in their cars, too. Won't someone think of the children? Or at least me? Ahaha.


( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 3rd, 2010 07:53 pm (UTC)
It's illegal now in the UK, but that doesn't stop an alarming number of complete idiots still doing it.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 07:54 pm (UTC)
It's illegal in Utah and in a few other states, but there's not enough of a restriction, imo. My neighborhood has a cell phone ban in school zones, but that doesn't stop them here, either. Bah!
Feb. 3rd, 2010 07:57 pm (UTC)
Bless you!
Feb. 3rd, 2010 07:59 pm (UTC)
Feb. 3rd, 2010 07:57 pm (UTC)
For this post, I love you. *nods fiercely*

On my way to work, at 7am, people are zipping about, swerving in and out of traffic, not MOVING THE FRAK OVER to let people merge from the on-ramps, because they're talking on the phone. And I want to know, who the bloody hell do all these people need to talk to at 7 o'clock in the morning?

Or the people that are driving with a cup of coffee in one hand and mascara/lipstick/blush-brush/whatever in their other hand, putting on makeup!

Or the people who have the newspaper/magazine/kindle propped up on their steering wheel! I mean, I love to read, I really do, but that's just a zillion times dumb!

The people who don't use turn signals, who almost hit your front bumper when they jump in line in front of you, then have the gall to flip you the bird in their rear view mirror as if YOU were the one at fault for not reading their mind that they wanted to get over.

The people who slam on their breaks to make a turn, again, without using their turn signals.

The people who honk at you when you slow down on the off-ramp (like you're supposed to, because it drops from 50mph to 35mph) because they're already speeding like maniacs and OMGOMGOMG HAVE to get to where-ever their destination is that whole 30seconds sooner they saved by speeding.

The people who get impatient as you come to a complete stop at all stop signs, even when there's one at the end of every block, so again you get the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!! and a flippin' bird.

And then there's the people, like one of my bosses, who have no distraction whatsoever other than their brain, who waver over the lines (both on the sides of the roads and the middle line), slow down, speed up, swerve, and slam on their brakes, all without rhyme or reason whatsoever.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 08:01 pm (UTC)
Re: Drivers...
They're talking to their family, since they never see them? IDK.

I saw someone READING A BOOK on the highway a while back. WHAT THE HELL. I get onto my husband ALL THE TIME about the turn signal use - use it, it's there for a reason, people!

And man, I'm totally that person that cannot have an in-depth conversation while driving because I can't multitask. I just can't. SO I let others talk in the car, or I put on music and we all shut up so mom gets us somewhere in one piece.
Re: Drivers... - ipnotika - Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Drivers... - caoil - Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2010 08:04 pm (UTC)
You're not that important. That conversation is not that important. It's not.

I do not answer the phone in my car unless i'm parked. I do not make calls on my phone in my car unless i'm parked. My daughter deals with the phone if she's with me and i'm driving. It's *standard*, she knows it.

My brother in law likes to drive and *text*. While driving my SO! OMFG. Asshole. If you crash and kill my husband, you're paying our bills for the rest of our lives.

Jayzus. CHRIST.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 08:05 pm (UTC)
Bad driving habits are one of my chief sources of rage on a daily basis. Tail-gating is the worst, but the ones you list here are fine examples. Studies have shown that using a cell while driving is worse than being drunk.

I also REALLY hate when people pass at 1/2 a mile an hour. If you're going to pass, at least go 5 mph faster!
Feb. 3rd, 2010 08:58 pm (UTC)
This! Thisity-this-this!
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:09 pm (UTC)
Texting is illegal while driving here now. As to the rest of your post? Wordy mcwordiness and then some more word! Especially those motherfuckers who merge onto the highway doing 40 while everyone around them is doing 60. That is some scary shit. Sorry about the potty mouth but those drivers suck green monkey dicks.
*mad face*
Feb. 3rd, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
Re: !
Ahahah. I love you, Ruth.
Re: ! - ruthless1 - Feb. 3rd, 2010 11:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:13 pm (UTC)
It's just recently become illegal in NZ to use a phone while driving... unless it's a mounted and installed car phone. And it hasn't stopped the electronics stores from severely discounting Bluetooth headsets and phone sets to get the arrogant and self-obsessed people to splash out so they don't have to be disconnected from the world for a single second.

Practice safe driving, kids. Always have a designated texter.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:19 pm (UTC)
I was afraid my father would die in a car wreck because of this. That's why we got him an LG wireless set... that you attach to the windshield (so he won't forget to take it), that doesn't need to be connected to the phone (so he doesn't forget a wire) and that runs on solar power (so he won't forget to charge it up).

I can now sleep with a clear mind, as that was the only fault in his driving.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you, yes. I will answer a call at a redlight, say "I'm driving, I'll call you back." then go on about my way. People who text while driving, I firmly believe will burn in hell. That's just...OMG SO STUPID!

I just...no. I have a lead foot, and I drive hella fast. I do not want my concentration split between phone, driving and radio. NO way. This is an awesome post. Can you get an amen? Hellz yeah.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:29 pm (UTC)
Nearly every time I nearly get creamed on my walks, the driver is on the frakking telephone. People, you don't pay attention to pedestrians when you've got nothing better to do than just drive your car. Seriously.
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
I know it's not about me because I never learned to drive!

However, I'll make sure my dad gets the message. :)
Feb. 3rd, 2010 10:13 pm (UTC)
LOL!! Although I'm sure you could rage about bad drivers not caring about cyclists, huh?
... - marlo - Feb. 3rd, 2010 10:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 3rd, 2010 10:14 pm (UTC)
I sometimes have to not even talk to a person sitting next to me because I get so easily distracted. Plus, I was trained to look at someone when they speak, so.... Gah.
... - a2zmom - Feb. 3rd, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2010 10:17 pm (UTC)
I am of the belief that if my boss had not thrown work at my face today, your driving experience would have been filled with angel dick and horse glitter.

I'm sorry everyone was a jerkwad to you today, including me indirectly. I hate the phone in general, so throwing that on top of a car ride is just redonk.
Feb. 4th, 2010 01:28 am (UTC)
My driving experience would have been unicorn rainbow spooge, Beth, I know it.

I don't know what it is about that stretch by the Outlet Malls - someone was READING A BOOK today. While driving.

I mean, are you kidding me?! Also, I know that I can be easily distracted while driving *cough* so I try to not call/answer unless I'm at a light.

One day we will have a post-LOST lunch, dude.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 4th, 2010 01:30 am (UTC)
Dude, I'm a total lead foot. Everyone in Texas is. It's a big state, and we got a lot of ground to cover so get out the wayMOVE! So that's one thing that I won't bitch about.

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( 42 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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