Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

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Oh, Diana. STFU. Also: Tamales, ay yi yi!

I don't know if I'm crossing the streams here [Ray EGON says that would be bad] but if you've not seen that Diana Gabaldon is all hemhem "Stop writing fanfic about my characters [Outlander series] because that's like writing porn about my daughter and mailing it to me." Also, this literati uses the word "barf." Just like Cormac McCarthy. [Wank report link.]

OK, WHAT. 1) No, it isn't. 2) WTF? 3) Who is mailing you porny fanfic? Ok, there probably is someone doing that, and making Jamie into a unicorms and Claire into a red dragon [DO YOU SEE?] and they have dragoncorm humpings and then Jamie has a baby from his special magical womb, BUT DON'T SEND THAT TO THE CREATOR, DUMMY. You ask them to autograph that picture at book signings, am I right? Lol. No, please don't do that, weirdo.

But my FAVORITE part of all of this wank is how it's the PORN/SEX/HUMPINGS that is bothering her. Because for those of us that have read the books (I stopped at 5, gah, TOO MUCH PLANT TALK. FOR ME. What does that tell you?) every day is Hump Day! Good hell. They have sex every few pages! And then she has some SERIOUSLY purple prose with back hair glistening with dew like a wet autumn sunrise, and how many ways can you describe red hair, woman? "Like a box of crayons, the back level of the 64 pack, spilled across the floor, that was the range of reds to burnt umbers of Jamie's man pelt." LOL.

Also, her books are totally rapetastic, in that everyone gets rapes like they're passing them out at a car dealership, she suffers from Anne Rice-dom in that she needs to cut her words in HALF [huge books. HUGE.] and it reads like a 200+ chapter fanfic. I MEAN, WHAT. Are her characters interesting? Yes. Plus she has messy/doesn't work right all the time sex in her stories which is a big plus for me (it's real, I like real) but she also wants you to know that She Did Her Research. And it's lots and lots of data about plant life and how to make your own penicillin, and homeopathic this and that, and a reminder of such and such events, all with a thiiiiin plot stringing the data together.

I summed up the books to Kassie in her journal last night, and thought I'd reprint them here to spare her inbox. WHO WANTS SOME DISTILLED CRACK?



BOOK ONE
Hi, I'm Claire and I'm in first person. I'm a nurse, and this is Important. I'm married to a nice guy, but we've been separated by WW2. One night I see a ghost - a red headed strapping man in a kilt at my gate. EH. [shrug] Time for a holiday! We travel to Scotland [insert loads of dinna kens and scotch] and I go to a henge on a Fire Day [insert vague understanding of paganism and Samhain] and am transported back through time, but I don't know it yet. I see my husband. BUT HE'S NOT, HE'S HIS ANCESTOR, THAT IS VERY CONVENIENT. And! AND!! He's a BAD MAN. I'm saved (hooray!) by some rogues in kilts on horseback, and see a young strapping red head named Jamie. WEIRD.

Through a series of misadventures, we go back to the CASTLE because there's always a CASTLE. And Jamie is kin to the laird. [Abuse of the word laird, more dinna kens, new nickname for Claire, Sassenach. WHICH MEANS OUTLANDER IN GAELIC.] Jamie makes out with some pretty blonde chick, good for him. I remember that garlic is an antiseptic and am put to use as a nurse. I AM FUCKING WITH THE FUTURE, I SUPPOSE.

Through another series of misadventures, I'm forced to MARRY JAMIE. WTF, I AM MARRIED. OR AM I? [because it's 1746] WE BONE. WE BONE A LOT. We get caught up in all sorts of crazy adventures that are usually battles, wars, more battles, and thievery, because hey-o, Scots!

At one point we're in France and Jamie can speak, like, a billion languages, thank god. [Insert lots of shit about Papists, her having a miscarriage, a cancer sniffing dog that belongs to the Mother Superior, a weird dude that is into alchemy, etc.] AND WHO DO WE FIND BUT MY HUSBAND-NOT-MY-HUSBAND. And he wants to kill Jamie, but 1) break his hand, b) cut him up loads with a dagger iii) AND HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

AT NO POINT DO I CATCH THE HIDDEN MESSAGE HERE.

But I still love him. Oh, right, I love him now. We hold the growing behbeh in my belleh and look to the future. WHICH IS THE PAST.

BOOK TWO

Hey! Remember me, Claire? I'm going to keep talking in First Person, unless it's other people driving the narrative, and THIS WON'T BE IRRITATING AT ALL.

And I'm back in my time. But 20 years later. AND I HAVE A DAUGHTER. AND SHE IS TALL AND REDHEADED. We meet the son of a Vicar who is handsome with Green Eyes - I remember those green eyes from one of those witches from Book One. Anyhoodle, we are looking through historical documents because it's Time Briana Knew She Was Made 200 years ago. her father? NOT HER FATHER.

...I've not explained how I've come back.

We're looking for Jamie, because maybe we can go back in time!

[insert lots of building sexual tension between Briana and Roger, the Vicar's son, and lots of back story about Claire and her first husband being terse. He's dead now - car wreck on the way to his mistress.]

Also: Jamie and I got so close it's like we are the most special couple that ever existed. ALSO: he gets beat up A LOT. And I healed him A LOT. And because I liked healing him (good thing since that's all I ever did) I became a surgeon when I came back to my time. I WONDER IF THIS WILL COME INTO PLAY.

End of the book is looming, back to the future/now/modern times, and I am planning on abandoning my kid (couldn't have any more) and go back in time. I hope Jamie won't mind my crow's feet and stretch marks. And in the goodbye letter I write my daughter I remind her to not get fat. Jokingly. But not really.

CLIFFHANGER!

BOOK THREE

Pirates! Eventually. I [Claire] made peanut butter sandwiches and wrapped them up in plastic wrap. And then went back in time [stones, gold, someone who loves you waiting] to find Jamie. We're both 20 years older. I talk about how awesome it is that I didn't age like those hideous crones in the 1700s. Like, all the time. I am seriously hot, you guys.

I find him. He's a pirate! And a printer! And a scoundrel! And a scallywag! But he's MY JAMIE. Insert lame sub plot about pirates and thieving and the printer burning down and a nephew we're talking aboard, and a ship and how Jamie can't stand sea sickness and the CHINAMAN, and yes, that's how I refer to him every time, who catches a pelican named Ping and teaches him to fish for the CHINAMAN. Who is a drunk, also.

Insert shit about whorehouses, the nephew becoming a man, and MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH, Briana is all, "Oh HELL NO you did not just leave me!" and plans on going back in time to find her parents because they find an old newspaper clipping that says Jamie and Claire is gonna die in a house fire. In the past. OR IS IT THE FUTURE?

SO SHE GOES BACK, TOO. And is in pants. And is 6 feet tall. So no one knows what the hell is up. And she doesn't know about the pirate/ship sailing thing, so she finds her relatives and they all Share A Moment.

Then she gets raped, and sets off to find her Pa.

Back on the pirate ship, a hurricane has struck and Jamie and Claire are Lost At Sea, except for being washed up on Georgia's coast line.

WILL Briana find her dad? CAN they all make a family together? SHOULD Roger come along, too, well, too bad because he's got that plan already in the works.

BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!

BOOK FOUR

MALARIA. It's everywhere. Briana's maiden in waiting (she bought one) gets it and is always sick. OH. THIS IS WHERE SHE GOT RAPED. But! Roger comes back through time, TOO! And they have sex. AND OF COURSE SHE GETS PREGNANT. But who is the father? GUESS WHO ALSO HAS GREEN EYES. (this is why green eyes is a longtime joke in my horse soap opera, btw.)

She gets mad at him (there's loads of women hating men, vice versa, all the time.) and leaves with her ill wee friend.

Jamie and Claire are high society now. They know rich people and have jewels and leverage things to get stuff and the parties, OH THE PARTIES. Also: insert blind aunt with a black slave that acts as her eyes. Talk about how gorgeous Jamie is, the various colors in his hair, how tall he is in heeled shoes and a powdered wig, and everyone stares at Claire's bewbs.

Claire and Jamie set up a little cabin in the woods, but there is no little man by the window stood. Briana and wee friend come hoping by and knocks at their door. This is actually before the cabin, BUT WORK WITH ME. Pa! Daughter! QUIT WEARING PANTS YE WEE BESOM! I am from the 60s and burned my bra, don't tell me nothing! [insert loads of bickering and misunderstandings and sighing by Claire.]

They realize she's pregnant and THAT IS NOT ON. So Jamie and nephew beat the living shit out of Roger who came calling and send him off to the Injuns. Series of unfortunate events, the birthing of the baby with Jamie in attendance only, Roger is broken, beaten and scarred and the nephew trades himself for Roger and becomes an Injun.

Oh, there was a gay dude in love with Jamie in book three who got him to kiss him, and Jamie got a baby off some lady (Lady) and Gay Character raises said son as his own. WHO IS BLONDE HEADED BUT STRAPPING.

Everyone decides on a tenuous life in the mountains together BUT THE FIRE STILL HANGS OVER THEIR HEAD, bum bum buuuuuum!

BOOK FIVE

Hey, guess when this is? late 1700s. IN AMERICA. Yep, these folks OF COURSE will be involved in the Revolution. [insert rumblings amongst the locals, the lack of concern from the locals, all sorts of trades from the locals, the desire for a coopersmith [SIC], for Jamie is now making BOURBON. Because it's like scotch, you see, what, you dinna ken?]

Turns out! Roger is the ANCESTOR OF THE GREEN EYED WITCH! They find a skull in the woods with MODERN DENTISTRY. They also find another worm hole thingy majigger in the woods, and they can all zip away, maybe, except for how much it sucks to go through time! [take a moment to sing, "Gonna go BACKintiiiiiime!"]

Something happens and Roger meets his great great x bazillion grandmother and helps her. And he ends up getting hung, but the rope is green, so he just slowly strangles until he almost dies, BUT CLAIR IS A DOCTOR REMEMBER.

[insert babble about the baby growing up, how to make penicillin in Olden Tymes, a donkey named Clarence, and unrest with the Injuns] Nephew comes back some times to visit with his red-skinned wife. He, of course, now looks like a savage.

But what about that fire? And the revolution? And how beautiful Jamie's hair is? NOW FLECKED WITH SILVER. Silver amongst the flames like an autumn sunset.... And Claire is hot. And they still bone. And we read about her daughter boning a bit. And the rapist is ever present on their mind.

AND THEY SEE HIM. And shoot! But guns sucked back then, so they maybe didn't kill him. And he says the baby is his! And more shit about their booze still and farms, and blah blah blah.

Will Jamie betray the King of England (yes.) But he can't, because that's how he's free in Amerka. He could go back to prison! [insert side tale of huge African woman that bones a frontiersman] Will Jamie fight the redcoats? And seriously, what the fuck is up with that fire? THEY ARE POISED ON THE KNIFE'S EDGE, KASSIE.

...and that's the last I read. Because sweet Jesus.



Just, if you are so invested in stories you write that you compare fanfic to someone telling you they want to rape your real daughter or seduce your actual living husband, YOU HAVE EXPOSED YOURSELF FOR A MARY SUE. HEMHEM (Um, her husband? Tall red head. Same with her daughter. I'm just saying.) Also, you're a bit of a crackpot, Diana. She's been around the internet since the Compuserve days, too, so this CANNOT be new to her. Roll your eyes and keep writing like Charlaine Harris does, lady. SPEAKING OF: TODAY THERE IS MOAR ERIC. Shut it, I can't help that I imagine Askars when I read her books. It's like Charlaiine is writing fanfiction of True Blood, LOL x A MILLION.

Welcome to the world of a genre fic writer, lady. It's a COMPLIMENT. They aren't making money (or they shouldn't be, I'll agree with you on that. Adopt Jim Butcher's philosophy.) Or read this and realize how Dee You Em your allegations are.

LASTLY: I am making more tamales today and tomorrow because all the ones I made on New Years done got et. OM NOM NOM.

[ETA] Someone in West Texas needs some help/info, if you can, please do!
Tags: books, funneh, huh?, kerfuffles in 15 minutes, oh em gee, writing is hard, wtf no seriously wtf?
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