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Meaning those of you who grew up in the 80s like me. EH MEH GEHD, YEH GEHS. Sweet Valley High. Yes. YES. We are totally going to talk about the Wakefield Twins, poor little rich girl Lilah, Rapist-Porsche owner [same diff] Bruce and the hewl gang (lime green Triumph! blonde blue eyed size six perfection! French hair braids! Clips! perfect bf Todd! Jean jackets! nerdy glasses-wearing Enid!)

We're all close BFFs here, yes? OF COURSE WE ARE. So, I'm serious, you guys, guys? Guys. I'm so serious. I totally cried when I originally read #6, Dangerous Love, when you're led to believe SPOILER ALERT [lol] that Elizabeth and Todd DIE in a horrible motorcycle accident and Jessica totally loses it and cries because her TWIN IS DEAD, crie crie crie. But then Bruce drawls some cutting remark sexily while sprawling in terry cloth shorts on his Porsche, Lilah tosses her perfect mane of hair and looks bored and my world goes back to normal. ZOMG, if you tell the other girls about this, we are so not BFF anymore. Also, I was 12. Also, let's put Kassie's bra in the freezer, lol.

True story, when I was 13, I began my shoplifting career by stealing SVH books. OK, STOP. JUST STOP AND LET ME EXPLAIN. I had a hateful mother that didn't allow me any cash to buy books. Did I want to buy eight balls and bail out my boyfriend with the cash? No. Did I want to buy ridiculous purple flats with a big glittery flower on the toe like my sister did with HER money? No. I WANTED BOOKS. And no one would take me to the library in the summertime, so what is a nerdy girl in huge face-covering glasses and feathered hair to do? She goes into Waldenbooks and knocks four or five SVHs in her shopping bag, that's what she does. And then tosses in the Caitlin trilogy for good measure. I WAS A SAD, ABUSED CHILD, OK? (Do you know how much repenting I had to do for that? LOTS, ALRIGHT? Mormon Jesus was seriously mad at me for that and made my parents divorce because of my sins.)

Look. I have a 13 year old daughter now. And I wanted her to be vapid and needy like I was so I could work through my own things, a sort of stretch-mark induced therapy if you will. And you will. [I never get tired of my little joke there, I CAN'T HELP IT.] And yet she's all reading intellectual things, or classic literature, or the Gossip series, or whatever the latest thing is that deals with boobs and sex, but in a safe, teen environment. She won't GET the books and let me steal them while she sleeps. DAMN IT.

I say all of this because I found on THIS AWESOME WEBSITE a snarky breakdown of a lot of the books. And then I find out there are over 180 in the ORIGINAL series. Oh my god, how is that possible? Are some of them about how Jessica was given a shopping list by her mom (also blonde, fit from tennis, happy in their split level California house <-- I remember all of that because I am a dork) and she LOSES IT, YOU GUYS, and then her older brother Stephen, home from college over the weekend, has to make a Really Important Decision about a problem with his roommate, Elizabeth writes it all up for the school newspaper, Enid pushes her glasses up on her nose, Lilah goes shopping, and then Jessica finds the list? THE END. UNTIL BOOK 185. Wow.

...there might be a series of posts of fake book plots coming your way. I LIKE TO DO THAT STUFF, SUE ME. Well, don't, because that would be mean.

I don't want to take apart all of the fans and wash them, why do you ask? (omg, being in the cleanest, prettiest house this past weekend is making me hate my house and see filth every where. By which I retaliate by posting about books I read 20+ years ago, eh meh gehd.) Also, I totally loved those books. And I really don't want to clean right now. *scale hands* OH. And yes, I know Diablo Lame Cody is writing a screenplay for a movie adaption of SVH. And I know the vid to Mormon Jesus. Just sparing you the linkage, if you wanted to inform. :)

[ETA for OMG Factor] Oh, hey. Here are 32 of the books for sale. Is it bad to want this? Or to want them in eReader format? or to want someone to get me a hook up?

[ETA 2 - book cover!]

AHAHAHAHAHA. Don't forget the matching lavaliers! Which makes me think of Annie and Miss Hannigan sitting in a gin-filled bathtub. My brain is a tangled mess, ok?


( 89 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 02:41 pm (UTC)
STONEY I LOVED THE SVH BOOKS SO MUCH. Did I tell you I made my mom save the 100+ of them I owned? She is bringing them up to me this summer. I CAN'T WAAAAAAAIT.

Also I read the Sweet Valley Twins series.

Also the one where they all go bike-riding up the coast of California IS MY FAVORITE.

Also remember when Steven dated the girl in the wheelchair? And how Elizabeth always had to get Jess out of trouble but she loved her anyway? I...I didn't like Jessica at all. I'M AN ELIZABETH GIRL.

omg. This made my morning.
Jun. 2nd, 2010 02:43 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD I AM SO JELLIS OF YOU. I had up to... 86? Something like that. I may have gotten rid of them when I went to college, because I didn't want to be embarrassed. YOU KNOW. IN UTAH.

I read those books, too! Weren't they like, the special editions to start off with? I loved that one! And when they went to FRANCE. I TOTALLY WAS ELIZABETH'S GIRL, TOO.

Now I think I'm a Jessica, I don't know. I just might have to read them all again. ...what do you think the probability of them being in eReader format is? LOL. (But no, really?)
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 02:50 pm (UTC)
I feel like I missed out on being a teenager in the 1970s and early 1980s, because I never read these books. I never even HEARD of these books until I was in college. (I was the kid over in the corner reading stacks, and that is not an exaggeration, of science fiction and fantasy books.)

They do sound like they affected you a lot. And that you really really loved them. And because of that, I'm glad that you found that particular website. And that you're going to be making up fake book posts.

P.S. I think that Mormon Jesus made your parents divorce because your mom was evil and would not take you anywhere that you could get books. As everyone knows, books are right up there with food, clothing and shelter. (And if they don't know that, they should!)
Jun. 2nd, 2010 02:56 pm (UTC)
YOU TOTALLY MISSED OUT. As SDW mentioned above, this is proof to the Twilighters that crappy fiction existed before. But never as deeply as Twilight, it's funny because it's true. :D

*holds you* Mormon Jesus did the right thing, then. Hahahahaha.
Jun. 2nd, 2010 03:04 pm (UTC)
Being the literary pack rat that I am, I still have my SVH books somewhere, along with some of the Canby Hall series, I think. I only read the first dozen or so of the SVH, as I recall, but I still remember clearly when Regina (is that her name? She was deaf, maybe?) was reforming Bruce's bad character through her love, but then he took her to a party and she took drugs once and DIED. OMG, that and when Jessica thought Elizabeth died were HIGH DRAMA when I was in elementary school.
Jun. 2nd, 2010 03:09 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD ANYTHING INVOLVING BOARDING SCHOOL. Translation: asldd;fha;rtvkn over you still having them!!!!

I had COMPLETELY forgotten about Regina! Oh, Bruce Pattman. So beautiful (I suppose) and so rich (we're reminded a jillion times) and yet, such an utter douche nozzle. <3
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 03:05 pm (UTC)
I am too old for those books. Plus I was a complete scifi/fantasy nerd (still am in fact - oh SPN how I love you)
That said - I must admire the breadth of your interests. First Twilight. Now this.
*runs away before you can smack upside the head*
Jun. 2nd, 2010 03:05 pm (UTC)
smack ME upside the head! Damn my quick fingers and bad grammar.
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 03:07 pm (UTC)
Also, let's put Kassie's bra in the freezer, lol.

I tried. The freezer is seriously way too full to fit anything else in it. SORRY. :(
Jun. 2nd, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
DAMMIT. Defrost some friggin' pork loins and let's get this party started! Also on bat for tonight: shaving cream in the hand of the first person that falls asleep, and hot/cold water hand dips for person #2!
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:01 pm (UTC)
I was a Nancy Drew mysteries girl (the words frock and chum still make me smile). The romance stuff left me cold until I started reading Austen in junior high. I totally missed out on SVH.

You know, since I'm cleaning the dust off the ceiling fans, I think I'll put my bra in the freezer for a bit of a after spring cleaning pick me up!
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:33 pm (UTC)
Oooooh, you know, bra in the freezer is a good idea! Or maybe slip a bag of frozen peas in there...
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:02 pm (UTC)
I'm sort of thinking that the Diablo Cody screenplay might be all right. Especially if she immerses herself in that world and doesn't try to invent her own slang ("honest to blog!", seriously? come on).

But yis, I loved SVH, and I read a bunch of them, and sometimes I stand in used bookstores and contemplate buying a TUN to read while I eat Rice Krispie treats and wash them down with powder-mix Iced Tea (my snack of choice as a middle-schooler).

Also, I totally went to a party in grad school with my BFF at the time, as the reverse-SVH-twins (because we both had super dark hair and dark eyes, but people did mistake us for one another). I was Elizabeth because -- guess? I WORE A WATCH! Good times!
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:35 pm (UTC)
Oh GOD, her slang made me cringe in what was otherwise a decent movie. Soupy Sales? Really? Kids today are down with Soupy Sales, Diablo? Pfft.

Oooh, I loved Crystal Light (because my mom had us all on diets growing up and that was what we had aside from water) and Rice Krispie treats! MMMMMMMMMM.

LOL at your having been Elizabeth. You nerdy time keeper/writing of gossip for The Oracle, you! :D
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:08 pm (UTC)
Mormon Jesus sucks for inducing divorce.
What an asshole...

My older sister was more into the SVH than I was (of course my thieving little hands stole them and read them which pissed her off.)
I was more into another teen twin series and by god, I CANNOT remember the name of the series, but I remember the endless descriptions of their brown hair and perfect ski jump noses and how they solved mysteries while being all perfect... What the hell were they called? Now that's gonna bug me for the rest of the day..
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:36 pm (UTC)
Re: Mormon Jesus sucks for inducing divorce.
He totally is a dick, that Mormon Jesus.

OH MAN. That... Huh, that's really familiar and I can't think of it, either. I bet someone will come along and help us!
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:37 pm (UTC)
Check this site out for more snarky recaps of SVH books: http://thedairiburger.com/
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:44 pm (UTC)
Oh god, I'm just not going to get anything done today, am I?
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:42 pm (UTC)
I feel wrong... I only ever read one SVH book and that was because it had a VAMPIRE in it.

I think growing up I was incapable of enjoying most series that did not involve SUPERNATURAL ADVENTURES! (With an exception of Babysitters Club and Nancy Drew.)
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:43 pm (UTC)
Whoa, wait, there was a VAMPIRE one?! how the hell did I miss that one!?
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:53 pm (UTC)
Double Love? Um... there's a lot of twincest in this fandom, isn't there? *ducks*
Jun. 2nd, 2010 04:56 pm (UTC)
IS THERE A FANDOM?!!?!? *races to find out*
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Jun. 2nd, 2010 05:21 pm (UTC)
Oh Stoney, I was so obsessed with SVH back in the day.

But also, Nancy Drew Files. Now those, we had a scandal with those. There was a crossover with the Hardy Boys and it was kind of implied that Frank and Nancy SLEPT TOGETHER!!!! *gasp*

Let me tell you, that blew my pre-teen mind that did.
Jun. 2nd, 2010 05:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, how did I miss THAT? I remember reading the teen years of the Black Stallion series and there were hay loft makeouts and dry humping and I was SCANDALIZED. And then promptly reread them. :D
Jun. 2nd, 2010 05:48 pm (UTC)
While I freely admit that the Babysitter's Club books were my CRACK when I was but a young thing, SVH were right up there. The ones that I still want to read again are the legacies - this one and this one. Also, while looking for those links, I found out there was one for the PATMANS OMG. They might all be on my wishlist now.

My other favorite were the One Last Wish books, as I was rather morbid as a child. But, y'know, it happens. :)
Jun. 2nd, 2010 06:00 pm (UTC)
Also, before I forget, I <3 the book in your icon so hard. *hugs for having fun taste in books*
Jun. 2nd, 2010 06:02 pm (UTC)
*snickers madly*

I never read those books, so i will watch quietly from the sidelines.
Jun. 2nd, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
I'mma just hide my complete lack of actually reading the SVH books as opposed to just studying their covers when I was a weeteen, and go straight to ICON! ICON! Girl With the Siver Eyes! Siiiiiiigh, never did I want a sequel more, and forever am I denied.

--MP being too lazy to log out of an RP journal
Jun. 2nd, 2010 07:29 pm (UTC)
I LOVED THAT BOOK, TOO. It was great. I need to get my hand son a copy, dangit!
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( 89 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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