Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Meaning those of you who grew up in the 80s like me. EH MEH GEHD, YEH GEHS. Sweet Valley High. Yes. YES. We are totally going to talk about the Wakefield Twins, poor little rich girl Lilah, Rapist-Porsche owner [same diff] Bruce and the hewl gang (lime green Triumph! blonde blue eyed size six perfection! French hair braids! Clips! perfect bf Todd! Jean jackets! nerdy glasses-wearing Enid!)

We're all close BFFs here, yes? OF COURSE WE ARE. So, I'm serious, you guys, guys? Guys. I'm so serious. I totally cried when I originally read #6, Dangerous Love, when you're led to believe SPOILER ALERT [lol] that Elizabeth and Todd DIE in a horrible motorcycle accident and Jessica totally loses it and cries because her TWIN IS DEAD, crie crie crie. But then Bruce drawls some cutting remark sexily while sprawling in terry cloth shorts on his Porsche, Lilah tosses her perfect mane of hair and looks bored and my world goes back to normal. ZOMG, if you tell the other girls about this, we are so not BFF anymore. Also, I was 12. Also, let's put Kassie's bra in the freezer, lol.

True story, when I was 13, I began my shoplifting career by stealing SVH books. OK, STOP. JUST STOP AND LET ME EXPLAIN. I had a hateful mother that didn't allow me any cash to buy books. Did I want to buy eight balls and bail out my boyfriend with the cash? No. Did I want to buy ridiculous purple flats with a big glittery flower on the toe like my sister did with HER money? No. I WANTED BOOKS. And no one would take me to the library in the summertime, so what is a nerdy girl in huge face-covering glasses and feathered hair to do? She goes into Waldenbooks and knocks four or five SVHs in her shopping bag, that's what she does. And then tosses in the Caitlin trilogy for good measure. I WAS A SAD, ABUSED CHILD, OK? (Do you know how much repenting I had to do for that? LOTS, ALRIGHT? Mormon Jesus was seriously mad at me for that and made my parents divorce because of my sins.)

Look. I have a 13 year old daughter now. And I wanted her to be vapid and needy like I was so I could work through my own things, a sort of stretch-mark induced therapy if you will. And you will. [I never get tired of my little joke there, I CAN'T HELP IT.] And yet she's all reading intellectual things, or classic literature, or the Gossip series, or whatever the latest thing is that deals with boobs and sex, but in a safe, teen environment. She won't GET the books and let me steal them while she sleeps. DAMN IT.

I say all of this because I found on THIS AWESOME WEBSITE a snarky breakdown of a lot of the books. And then I find out there are over 180 in the ORIGINAL series. Oh my god, how is that possible? Are some of them about how Jessica was given a shopping list by her mom (also blonde, fit from tennis, happy in their split level California house <-- I remember all of that because I am a dork) and she LOSES IT, YOU GUYS, and then her older brother Stephen, home from college over the weekend, has to make a Really Important Decision about a problem with his roommate, Elizabeth writes it all up for the school newspaper, Enid pushes her glasses up on her nose, Lilah goes shopping, and then Jessica finds the list? THE END. UNTIL BOOK 185. Wow.

...there might be a series of posts of fake book plots coming your way. I LIKE TO DO THAT STUFF, SUE ME. Well, don't, because that would be mean.

I don't want to take apart all of the fans and wash them, why do you ask? (omg, being in the cleanest, prettiest house this past weekend is making me hate my house and see filth every where. By which I retaliate by posting about books I read 20+ years ago, eh meh gehd.) Also, I totally loved those books. And I really don't want to clean right now. *scale hands* OH. And yes, I know Diablo Lame Cody is writing a screenplay for a movie adaption of SVH. And I know the vid to Mormon Jesus. Just sparing you the linkage, if you wanted to inform. :)

[ETA for OMG Factor] Oh, hey. Here are 32 of the books for sale. Is it bad to want this? Or to want them in eReader format? or to want someone to get me a hook up?

[ETA 2 - book cover!]

AHAHAHAHAHA. Don't forget the matching lavaliers! Which makes me think of Annie and Miss Hannigan sitting in a gin-filled bathtub. My brain is a tangled mess, ok?
Tags: awwwwwspam!, books, oh em gee
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