Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

  • Mood:

BANNER DAY

Because it is not 1,000,000 degrees outside I get to go out and jog in it! No more jumping jacks in my house, yay. More tornadoes last night to the point of my kids breaking down in hysterics. We were truly in no danger, but try telling hormonal teens that. Oy.

And I don't normally do this sort of thing because I usually get so frustrated by other people's ability to not be hamstrung by writer's block, but I knocked out 11,500 in word count yesterday (on articles for an upcoming project and in revisions for my book.) While my knees hated me sitting so long, the rest of me was quite pleased. I did have to do some research from a HATEFUL book, and I cut and pasted for your pleasure a paragraph from said book that outlines how you can sin.

This is LITERALLY one paragraph from Chapter 3 of "The Miracle of Forgiveness," by Spencer W. Kimball, available at the church-owned bookstore, Deseret Books. I just took out the commas and made bullet points (and commentary in italics, because good lord, this guy needed to take up wood-working. I don't think sin-collecting is an approved AARP pastime)


  • Murder

  • adultery

  • theft

  • cursing

  • unholiness in masters [picking the wrong master is somehow your fault? Good job, slaves!]

  • disobedience in servants [see?]

  • unfaithfulness

  • improvidence [those of us with food storage thumb our noses at you sinners]

  • hatred of God

  • disobedience to husbands [and would it hurt you to freshen up your lipstick when he gets home? He worked so hard all day, he doesn't need to listen to you yammer about lady problems. That's what a douche of Lysol is for.]

  • lack of natural affection [you better perform when he says to, missy]

  • high-mindedness [ooOOooooh, someone created the cure for cancer, are you saying you're better than me?]

  • flattery [that dress does nothing for you. There, now I'm clean.]

  • lustfulness

  • infidelity

  • indiscretion [death to all Jabber Jaws!]

  • backbiting [Vampires are out, clearly. And moderately kinky types.]

  • whispering [ does this mean I should be shouting in church and funerals?]

  • lack of truth [what the hell does this even mean? I hope you haven't been living under a rock, because evidently that's a sin?]

  • striking [I AM SINNING RIGHT NOW]

  • brawling

  • quarrelsomeness [well, we all knew lawyers were evil, this just proves it. ]

  • unthankfulness [THANK YOU MR MAILMAN. THANK YOU CARPETING. THANK YOU AIR CONDITIONING. THANK YOU LUNGS. THANK...]

  • inhospitality [Martha Stewart is good, then.]

  • deceitfulness

  • irreverence [I'm screwed.]

  • boasting [I mean, I'm awesome, but I'm screwed.]

  • arrogance [Look. I am just saying that my awesomeness supersedes all other. Which is why I'm screwed, so don't bother challenging me on this one with your puny thoughts.]

  • pride

  • double-tongued talk [KIM G. IS SCREWED.]

  • profanity [well...fuck.]

  • slander [I'll remember this when I'm published and the LDS members come after me]

  • corruptness

  • thievery

  • embezzlement

  • despoiling

  • covenant-breaking

  • incontinence [way to go, Nana.]

  • filthiness [way to go, Pig Pen]

  • ignobleness [way to go, peasants and slumdogs]

  • filthy communications [way to go, 1-900 callers. Or sewer workers calling in to report problems.]

  • impurity

  • foolishness [way to go, dumb ass]

  • slothfulness

  • impatience [WHEN IS THIS LIST GOING TO END, WRAP IT UP]

  • lack of understanding [way to go, dumb ass- wait, we already covered this. Stupid people are just screwed.]

  • unmercifulness [this list should qualify as a sin, I'm just saying]

  • idolatry

  • blasphemy

  • denial of the Holy Ghost [but what if He's wearing a disguise? I'm not letting just anyone in my house, I have a big screen TV and a vagina, you know?]

  • Sabbath breaking

  • envy

  • jealousy

  • malice

  • maligning [again, I'll remember this one after being published.]

  • vengefulness

  • implacability [My mother in law is screwed]

  • bitterness [ditto]

  • clamor [way to go, protesters, concert goers, every teen girl, stock brokers, soldiers in battle, people exiting helicopters]

  • spite

  • defiling

  • reviling

  • evil speaking [I guess we shouldn't even talk about Satan, then, huh? Or the show Two and a Half Men?]

  • provoking

  • greediness for filthy lucre [greediness for clean lucre is completely acceptable, however. How else will the church get its tithes?]

  • disobedience to parents [even if they tell you to murder while yelling about filthy lucre and evil and pissing yourself, you obey.]

  • anger

  • hate

  • covetousness

  • bearing false witness

  • inventing evil things [I hope you're proud of yourself, Larry the Cable Guy and creator of Krispy Kreme.]

  • fleshliness [way to go, Curves McGee. But then, we all knew a body like Christina Hendricks is sinful. Wait, that's divine! Not Divine, that's a whole 'nother topic.]

  • heresy

  • presumptuousness [don't you DARE anticipate my answers. Also, way to go, Sir Henry Morton Stanley.]

  • abomination [the abominable snowman is a-ok, though. They pulled his teeth, after all.]

  • insatiable appetite [I personally blame Godiva for their deliciousness. Also, I blame the Kreb's Cycle. (Hey-o, bio nerd joke!)]

  • instability [way to go, Bosu balls and earthquakes.]

  • ignorance [how clear does he need to be? Stupid is a sin.]

  • self-will [HOW DARE YOU self motivate!? You will do as you're told and ONLY as you're told!]

  • speaking evil of dignitaries [I hope no Mormon speaks ill of Barak Obama. Or Hugo Chavez. Or Putin. Or Barbara Boxer. Or the UN. Or the Pope. Or...]

  • becoming a stumbling block [That joke where someone kneels behind you and someone else pushes you? GRAVE SIN, HERE'S THE PROOF.]

  • and in our modern language: masturbation [well, huh, took them long enough to get to this one]

  • petting [way to go dog and cat owners! Wait, this means dry humping and boob grabbing, I bet.]

  • fornication

  • adultery [didn't we already cover this one?]

  • homosexuality

  • every sex perversion [you ear humping furries disgust me, you really do.]

  • every hidden and secret sin

  • all unholy and impure practices [I hope you use a Brita filter, sinner. A Brita filter for YOUR LIFE.]




If I may, I'd like to build on this incomplete and shoddy list. (Jeez, put a little effort in there, would ya, Bub?)
  • mouth breathing

  • shoe shuffling

  • double dipping the chip

  • not washing your hands after going #2

  • "crop dusting" in confined spaces (this refers to a bodily function, ahem)

  • not recycling aluminum cans, I mean, it's 100% recyclable! There is no excuse.

  • talking and texting on your phone while driving

  • telemarketing

  • general dickish behavior


There, I feel better. WHAT AN UPLIFTING PARAGRAPH THAT MAN WROTE. My heart feels lighter already.



I have to go buy some "sensible work shoes" for a shoot tomorrow morning as I realized that I don't own any. I have my Birks and I have as errant_jane calls them, Barbie Shoes. I guess caregivers in Nursing Homes don't wear Jessica Simpson platform peekaboo red leather heels, huh? WELL THEY SHOULD.

Top Chef last night made me want to eat all the Singapore food there is in the world. All of it. Jersey Shore tonight, yo! WITH CAT FIGHT, mreow!
Tags: audition talk, mormons, oh my heck!, writing is hard
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