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For my awesome sister dampersnspoons who gave me the prompt, "Tracy Jordan and Jenna Maroney having an opportunity to be in a Jerry Bruckheimer remake of "Mandingo"?"

General cast of 30 Rock represented.




Mandigo: The Reboot


Jenna wiggled her feet to make it almost impossible for the wardrobe assistant to put shoes on her feet. Not because she didn't like the shoes, on the contrary, she planned on walking home in them. If she didn't change her footwear, she had decided, it wasn't stealing. She would just stay in character all the way back to her Chelsea apartment. She had learned that when she attended the School of Actorly Tricks in the class, “Make It Your Own, No Not Like That 201.”

She kicked her feet to make it more difficult because the intern needed to learn who was boss here.

“Liz, it isn't a terrible idea. A terrible idea is that shirt you wore today. Although,” she switched the phone to her other ear, kicked the heel off and down the hall and motioned for the intern to run and fetch it, “seeing your back fat on display like it was helped me avoid carbs today, so thank you.”

Jenna spread her toes and flexed her feet as the intern, near tears now, attempted to jam the pump onto her foot. “I'm sorry Liz, I got bored with you talking. I'm going to be great in this movie, and it's finally a chance for the Academy to see me in an Oscar worthy performance. Of course my not being nominated for 'Jackie Jormp-Jomp,' the retelling of the Janice Joplin story, was all political, but still.”

She hung her phone up in mid Liz-speak and finally relented to the footwear. She gave what she believed to be a seductive smile. “Alright, kid, time to put me in Spanx.”






“Liz Lemon, I'm gonna be truthful with you, which is something I very much don't believe in doing. I think truthfulness begets power, and yes, I am well aware that I used the word begets correctly.”

Dot Com and Grizz shared a proud moment. The word a day toilet paper had been Grizz's idea for a Christmas gift.

“I don't think I can do this movie. I mean, I already am close to getting the O in my EGOT with my brilliant portrayal of a broken down man in 'Hard to Watch: Based off the book "Stone Cold Bummer" by Manipulate.' I think Jerry Bruckheimer needs to make this movie into a play and then into a musical and then into a movie. That's when I'll do it, when they need to make a commercial trailer. I'll play the trailer.”

Kenneth the Page held out the special stainless steel tray he was always supposed to use for sandwiches (“You can see vampires reflections in the metal, Ken.”) a joyful expression on his face when Mr. Jordan took a specially made pig butter and jelly on white.

“I don't want to play the part of a man-dog, Liz Lemon. I already did that in 'Fat Bitch.'”

Tracy's face went blank, then he suddenly came back to life with a bray of laughter. “Ha ha! Oh, I'm sorry whoever is on the phone, I got bored and started thinking about the way boobies jiggle when Angie get mad at me. Oh, hello, Liz Lemon, I called you today to tell you that it would be my honor to star in your musical production for Broadway, 'Mandigo the Reboot.' I need the T in my EGOT.”

Kenneth's smile wavered at the sound of shouting from the phone's receiver.






Liz deftly swirled around Jonathan's body, ducked under his arms, and opened the door to Jack Donaguy's office.

“Ha ha, sucker, you can't keep me from him. Do you hear me?” her voice raised to just slightly below a shout, “You can't keep me from him!”

“Lemon, do meet the Prime Minister.”

Liz caught the look of smug triumph on Jonathan's face as the assistant pulled the double doors shut again, trapping her inside.

“Liz Lemon, the Prime Minister of Somalia, Mohamed Abdulahi Mohamed. Prime Minister, the head of the writing staff for a sketch comedy show,” here Jack paused for effect, “The Girlie Show.”

“Ah yes, with Tracy Jordan?” the Prime Minister asked excitedly.

Liz beamed. “And Jenna Maroney, she's actually the st-”

The Prime Minister started shouting in his native language. Jack began leading him out of the office, speaking back to him in his own language in what appeared to be an attempt to soothe him.

“Liz, you just very nearly caused a national incident. Jenna has a lifetime ban from Somalia for acts of terrorism. The people are quite frightened of her.”

“Really? What, did she agree to mule in a nuclear bomb or something?”

“No, she sang their national anthem. You were here for something tremendously important, I take it?”

Liz flopped onto the Chesterfield and fished out a chocolate from her front jeans pocket. “I need you to use your connections to make something not happen.”

“Oh really? And what would that be, stop Chili's from removing mozzarella sticks from their menu?”

Liz jumped up, “Why would they do that? Are they doing that? Oh god, they'll still leave the stuffed potato skins on the menu, right?”

“Calm down, Lemon, I'm sure the disgusting swill of which you pack your...figure with nightly will remain available. After all, GE-Kabletown has a vested interest in the general populace remaining overweight, tired, and available for programming in the seven to eleven time slot. We're in talks to acquire Big Momma's House and we'll need all the stupor we can get.”

“I need you to call Bruckheimer and tell him that he can't use both of my stars for his new pchoo pchoo bwrrrooook movie.” Liz pantomimed guns and an explosion as she spoke.

“Elegantly put, Lemon, and why would I do that?”

“Because it's hard enough to get those two to do any work at all, and now they are so focused on playing the white woman that falls in love with the black slave cum bare knuckle boxer that they're not working on our show at all. Incidentally, I do like that they have the parts wrong, because Jenna does this thing when she tries to talk black where-”

“Let me stop you right there, Lemon. Bruckheimer owes me. He knows why. It still won't come out of the carpet, I can't believe I fell for his club soda mantra. I'll make the call this afternoon.”

Liz sloped to the door backwards with a lopsided grin pasted on her face, “What, he spill some red wine on your carpet or something?”

Jack's face went stony, and he moved to look out of his window, his favorite window on the right. “No. And don't ever bring up the missing Greenpeace workers of '98 to me again.”

“I didn't, I-”

“Goodbye, Lemon.”

Jonathan happily pulled her out of Jack's office with a too hard yank on her upper arm.






“I think I want to see you try and box me into that bedroom, Mandigo, and that is a way of me not saying I want you to have sex on me without me having to say it.”

“Tracy, I need you to stick to the lines. This is the big time, and you can't ad lib. I learned that lesson the hard way when I made Total Recall 2: I Don't Remember A Thing.” Jenna adjusted her slave costume and fluffed the lace collar at Tracy's neck.

She dropped her voice to a deep register and replied, “Woman, get on yo hands and knees and show me how to scrub the flo'. I's gone do thangs to myself when you do.”

Tracy looked up at her, his face showing his confusion at her weird voice. Two-fer walked by about then, and choked on his mouthful of Darjeeling, clearly aghast.

Before he could go off on the two of them, Liz burst into the hallway, side stepped a giant robot bear for the fourth skit of the night, approved with a terse nod the midget with the giant, over-sized hands carrying a massive plate of salamis, and yoinked a cheese danish off the craft services table.

“That's it, you two, pack it up and get dressed for your Oprah's Favorite Things skit. I'm shutting this down.”

“But what about my EGOT?” Tracy demanded, pulling the blond wig off his head and using Kenneth the Page's page jacket to wipe off the hot pink lipstick he had insisted on wearing.

“You'll get your EGOT another time, Tracy, you need to focus on tonight's show. I need you on set in two minutes with your Oprah outfit on. And no hot pink lipstick!”

Tracy frowned and let the wardrobe people slip him into a camel pant suit and jammed a Jonathan Franzen book in his hand, which he promptly dropped to the ground. “Stedman, Gayle, John TRA-VOLTAAAAA! Ready, Liz Lemon.”

Liz's shoulders dropped a few inches; she was still braced for Jenna's impending tirade. Which wasn't coming, it seemed. Jenna stripped off her slave costume and used Kenneth's other sleeve to wipe the brown face paint from her cheeks.

“That's alright, Liz. I've decided that the stripper skit, the homage to Burlesque, is staying in tonight's line up. It will remind everyone how attractive and beautiful I still am for a young woman of 32.” She looked without blinking into Liz's eyes. “I bought special pasties just for it.”

She pulled out of a tote bag on the ground two pink cups, each the size of a nickel, with “TGS” hanging down in platinum and rhinestones. They looked quite heavy. Liz went white, but it was the wardrobe assistant that gave out a cry and fainted to the floor.

Pete poked his head into the hallway and hissed, “We're on!”

The stage hand was shouting to the crew, “We're on in five... four...”

Liz huffed and grabbed a roll of double sided tape and began the laborious task at hand as from on stage she heard Tracy shouting on stage, “You're going to Brooklyn! And you're going to Brooklyn! And...”

Just another Friday night at TGS.

Comments

( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
dampersnspoons
Nov. 30th, 2010 09:35 pm (UTC)
“seeing your back fat on display like it was helped me avoid carbs today, so thank you." -- HAHAHA!

“Oh really? And what would that be, stop Chili's from removing mozzarella sticks from their menu?” -- I DIED. And his gazing window! Pitch-perfect Jack. And then “Calm down, Lemon, I'm sure the disgusting swill of which you pack your...figure with nightly will remain available. After all, GE-Kabletown has a vested interest in the general populace remaining overweight, tired, and available for programming in the seven to eleven time slot. We're in talks to acquire Big Momma's House and we'll need all the stupor we can get.” is like GOLD.

“I think I want to see you try and box me into that bedroom, Mandigo, and that is a way of me not saying I want you to have sex on me without me having to say it.” -- You've got these voices down so well that I appreciate you not telling us who it is after each stanza. Thank you for not thinking we're dumb and for being awesome.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 09:42 pm (UTC)
I will never think you're dumb. DO YOU HEAR ME? I'm pretty pleased you feel I got the voices down, you and I both know how specific that show is (and how well written it is, attempting to do it is daunting.)

You gave me my most favorite prompts of all, but that's because you are awesome.
dampersnspoons
Nov. 30th, 2010 09:48 pm (UTC)
I think it's a mark of a good author to let the dialog speak for itself and nod to the fans that already know the characters, in reference to fan fic, anyway. If the voice is down, we can just hop along and immerse ourselves in it without all the fluff, which you clearly don't need. Hey, thanks for being funny!

Also, any time Jenna can be blatantly and ignorantly racist is a laugh a minute. I do love when other people make other people uncomfortable.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:00 pm (UTC)
But Beth, if I don't tell you someone has chocolate orbs or smells of vanilla, how will you know who I'm talking about? the brown haired authoress intoned pleadingly. LOL. (And aww, you're a good sister with the love and support and stuff.)

I think Jenna is one of my favorite characters on the show. Close tie with her and Jack.
dovil
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:07 pm (UTC)
Pitch PERFECT dialogue - ripped write off the screen and into your blog. You're an original plagarist, you are! *applauds!*
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:13 pm (UTC)
I love plaigiarism! That's when you love plaiges in a book, right? The things the words are on?

Also, THANKS.
dovil
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:25 pm (UTC)
I don't know, but it sure is a purty word. I think I'm now going to rename one of my daughters Plaige-Sue which will be an improvement over her current name, Sue-Sue.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:37 pm (UTC)
If you married a man from South Asia you could call her Su-Hyoo. It's better if your husband's a lawyer.
pepperlandgirl4
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:12 pm (UTC)
This made me laugh and laugh. The absolutely best part was the scene between Liz and Jack. I mean, Tracy and Jenna were spot on, but I could actually see that scene it was so spot-on.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 10:14 pm (UTC)
Wheeeeee!! Good to know that it sounded right, this is one show you can really mess up. THANK YOU.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 11:08 pm (UTC)
WHY HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THAT SHOW?! It's up there with It's Always Sunny in my favorite sitcom of all time category.

I AM LOVING YOU FOR READING THIS EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T WATCH THE SHOW. You are rad.
a2zmom
Nov. 30th, 2010 11:46 pm (UTC)
BWAH!

I love you.

I kind of want to quote theo whole thing but I particularly loved Jenna causing an international incident in Somalia due to singing, Tracey knowing what begets means because of toilet paper and Jack possibly having dead greenpeace worker blood stains in his carpet.

stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 11:49 pm (UTC)
The idea that people of SOMALIA would be terrified of Jenna cracked me up to no end, I'm glad that bit worked!

Thanks, R! <3
chantal87
Nov. 30th, 2010 11:55 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! Absolutely Brilliant!
Your brain makes me happy.
stoney321
Nov. 30th, 2010 11:58 pm (UTC)
Wheeeeeee! So glad to know this worked, it's been a looooong time, BB.

<3 <3 <3 to you!
gabzilla
Dec. 1st, 2010 01:11 am (UTC)
Watch your back, you might get sued for stealing a script. ;) Spot on! I could even hear Jonathan's peevishness.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 01:26 am (UTC)
LOL! Thank you very much for reading, I'm super pleased you thought it sounded like the show, woot!
redbrickrose
Dec. 1st, 2010 02:11 am (UTC)
Hahahaha, your voices are PERFECTION.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 03:25 am (UTC)
Yaaaaay! I'm happy to hear that, thank you!
minim_calibre
Dec. 1st, 2010 02:13 am (UTC)
Two-fer walked by about then, and choked on his mouthful of Darjeeling, clearly aghast.

And here is where I became DED FROM LAUGHING.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 03:27 am (UTC)
Don't you go dying on me! *defibrillates*

Also, thank you!
joeb_abbitt
Dec. 1st, 2010 02:49 pm (UTC)
What all these guys said. You did a fantastic job here. Imagining the characters saying all these things required no extra effort from my imagination, you captured them perfectly, which given these characters, is no easy task. Well done.
stoney321
Dec. 1st, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much, that is high praise indeed!
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )

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