Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

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I THINK I FRIED MY BRAIN. Keep reading, you'll see.

HELLO, YEAR ELEVEN. So far I've been puffy-faced from allergies and flabby butted, so I've got a gimlet eye on you. A GIMLET EYE.

I did work out today, which is good for me because I was one lazy chica this holiday season. I mean in regards to working out, because it was non-stop family, teenager angst, house work, putting up decorations, taking down decorations, cooking, blah blah blah. You know what I'm not doing today? Cooking. Or laundry. Or washing. Those aren't dust motes you see, those are my stink motes. LOL. I'm totally going to start a ska-Tejana-fusion band and name it Stink Motes. There will be an accordion, and I will feature a jig doll, because I'm classy. No balancing sticks will be allowed at our gigs, but you can mosh.

I'm filming two shorts on Wednesday, so this is when I begin to panic and realize that I'm going to be on film, with flab, because I didn't work out and because I ate forty pounds of fudge. Okay, it was only 38, but you get my point. They're a kind of screen test for a feature length film, so that's why I'm panicking. Blah blah, I'll be fine, but you don't know that. What if the camera picks up my stink motes? SEE? YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT, DID YOU. Some friend you're turning out to be.

...hi, new folks, welcome to Crazy Town, population: Me.

To continue this post of non sequiturs, I would like to complain about and laugh at True Blood for a bit, but I'll put it under a cut in case there's one person that worries about being spoiled for crack cocaine in television form.

1. GOOD HELL ANNA PAQUIN IS A TERRIBLE ACTRESS. I don't know if it's a result of the director wanting her to be a stupid empty shell that doesn't even know how to STAND (seriously, just watch an episode and focus on how she can't stand still without wobbling. I think Nagini is inside of her, waiting to bust out of her pasty [omg she is supposed to be TAN] skin and turn BEEEEEL into a Horcrux.) or if she just really doesn't know how to be in her own skin as a character. Yeah, there were parenthesis inside of parenthesis. I HAVE LAYERS, AND SO DOES MY WRITING.

2. I am grossed out by BEEEEEL. And most people on this show. I do not want to see Tara and Sam getting it on. I do not want to see most of the sex on this show. Unless it is Jessica/Hoyt and Eric/anyone. SORRY, THAT IS HOW I ROLL.

3. Tommy was a repugnant character. Let's face it, most of the characters are. Russell Edgington is hilarious, though. "And now the weather, Tiffany?" Never fails to crack me up. Crystal is a disgusting character, too. WAY TO MAKE EVERY WOMAN A SOUTHERN STEREOTYPE, ALAN BALL. Eff you in the bee hole.

4. TARA. For the love of... when you watch multiple episodes in a row you realize just how horrible a character that actress has been saddled with. ALL SHE DOES IS GET ABUSED AND SOB. Then yells about how life is unfair. Then tries to have sex with someone, then gets abused and cries about it. GOOD HELL. I hope that character is gone for a loooooooong time. Let that actress go get work elsewhere and restore her dignity and work on her tris and biceps.

5. Eric and Pam. I just want those guys all the time. The Fairy crap is redonk (and seriously, why is a fairy wearing a FUR SHRUG OMFG) the Vampire politics are not as interesting as the producers/writers seem to think they are, and AHAHAHAHA the final fight with the Queen (ugh) and BEEEEEL had me howling with derision.

Why am I watching this stupid show? Oh, right, ERIC AND PAM. They get so much right there, and then they eff it all to aitch with EVERYTHING ELSE.

...I'm trying to not cuss as much in the new year. Ahahaha, I'm fucking kidding. SORRY. Tiger, stripes, etc.

OK, this show is just so ridiculous. MAKE ME STOP CARING, PLEASE.



I totally slacked off on New Years Day and didn't make my tamales, so guess what I'm doing today? Listening to Oye Como Va by a STEEL DRUM BAND (plus other songs, but that's the key to getting me grooving) and rolling up doobies of meat. MEAT AND CORN MEAL, the greatest of the doobie brothers. Chile powder, keep on rolling, Wild pork tamales gonna keep on flowin' in me, Cumin, garlic, secret thingy, goin' in my masa, gonna keep on eating {they're free!}

I may have just had a stroke, someone check on me in an hour, please. HELLO NEW YEAR, I AM BRINGING THE SPAZZ.

[ETA!!!] I completely forgot to post a picture of the most AMAZING CHRISTMAS THINGY EVER. I'm looking for my camera cord, will upload in a minute. TO BE CONTINUED HERE IT IS.

OKAY. I need to say up front that I love my step-mother very much. I think long-time readers know that. The woman is a very skilled artisan, but she has a LOUSY SENSE of style. Like, I cannot stress this enough. My sister is probably nodding her head vigorously at this.

So I got a lovely gift of a muffin tin (gold tone, the Williams Sonoma brand, exactly as I asked for, THANK YOU!!) from her, but I guess she felt I needed more? And I'm pretty sure she made this gift? And it's.... well, it's well made, skillfully so, but GOOD LORD IS IT UGLY AND REDONK.



But Stoney, you're saying, this is just a harmless apron. SHUT UP, YOU. 1) This is a very frilly and girly apron, both of which I am not, and it has butterflies and ruffles on it. Also, the strings are too short, you can't wrap them around the front, and also, I do not need an apron.

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE. Not liking this by itself would just be bitchy of me. YOU SEE, MY APRON HAS A SECRET.

There are velcro straps underneath. And there are these two... things... affixed to the under side. And when you un-velcro them, they hang down to my feet. And I thought to myself, "Stoney, are these to protect you from shin attacks? Are these thick pads so you can bake a soufflé and then scurry off to battle the Japanese army, killing samurai with your mind bullets and your quick wit?"

And my sister and I tried and tried to understand, even closing our eyes for a few moments, deep in thought. AND THEN SHE FIGURED IT OUT: they are OVEN MITTS. Attached. Attached at the hem of the apron, and tucked underneath. I'd bake me. I'd bake me so hard. Goodbye muffins.....I'm crying over you!

If you don't get the Silence of the Lambs reference you a) are dead to me and b) you've obviously not read this LJ for any period of time, because it's all Jame Gumb all the time.*

*slight exaggeration, by which I mean a huge exaggeration.

BEHOLD THE GLORY OF MY CROSS-DRESSING MASTERPIECE OF WTF.



I could also maybe cosplay in a weird Gingerbread Man group, but I don't wanna, that's skeery. Those hangy down things come to my ANKLES. It's all just very weird. And unnecessary. But I love my step-mom very much.

Tags: no i'll be needing my brains thx, random statements, stoney doesn't suck, stoney sucks, true blood
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