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Piss and Vinegar, folks, piss and vinegar.

Snow day yesterday (6 inches for us! That's huge.) and today is a balmy 19. Gah! Someone got their Nor'easter in my Texas, feel free to take it back. Actually, it's not windy today like yesterday, so it's nice to see the snow everywhere. It'll be gone in a few days, I'm sure.

Things what cropped up in my think boxer:

1. Jersey Shore's series premiere on Thursday was EPIC. I have a massive post dedicated to it, of course, and I honestly didn't think this season would be good. "It's jumped the shark," I said to myself. WRONG. I love that "fame" hasn't changed these "people." Oh man, glorious, glorious crazytown.

2. Hoarders last night made me sadface. I think the show likes to have two types of hoarders per episode: those that are truly delusional as to the enormity of their situation and can be redeemed, and those that are self-induced delusional (like, they're lying to themselves about their situation) and prefer to blame other people for the "situation they are in."

First group: Rat Man. Second group: Rabbit Jerk and Cat Lady. The poor guy with the rats. Bless his little broken heart. For those that didn't watch, he essentially had a hoard because he found his wife dying on the side of the road and never dealt with the grief. So he replaced her with a couple of rats. And they spread to 2500. OH. MY. GOD. Yeah, yeah, domesticated rats are great pets, whatever, they were running wild in that guy's house. They had to tear out the walls (the drywall) and expose the studs to get all of the rats. A special collection crew was there from the humane society that specialized in rats (who knew?) and they all did their best to let Rat Man know that they really, honestly were there to rescue them and provide good, safe homes for every single one. You could tell how appreciative he was for their kindness to his "family."

I will say, though, that the sound of those rats eating corn kernels and sunflower seeds sounded like a rain storm. It made my skin crawl. I'm not a rat person, sorry. Flegh. He would scoop out a big swash of feed on the bare floor and they'd come running. Go look at your kitchen right now. And maybe a hallway, too, because he had a big, open space. Imagine every square inch of that floor covered with writhing, gnawing rats, packed so tightly that if you squint it would look like a solid mass of fur. Covering all of the floor. ALL OF THE FLOOR. AHHHH!!!

Dr. Zazio and Matt, my two faves (and the ones they trot out for the extreme of the extreme cases, it seems) were incredibly sympathetic and helpful. Nice to see after last week with the angry hobgoblin that trapped her chickens in buckets of their own filth and didn't see any problems with it. Glen, aka Rat Man, understood that there was a problem, understood that the rats weren't living a "good life" in his house and was ready for them to move on to adoption. That's a nice change from how this usually plays out. And when he was confronted with the reality of the situation - some vets showed him some rats that had been chewed on and needed to be euthanized, gah - you could see a visible shift in his demeanor. He was sad, to be sure. Oh, that man cried! And it was so obviously hard for him to do so, he would try and choke it down, cram it back inside, but good ol' Dr. Zazio with her bad mascara and sweet voice just kept patting him and telling him to grieve.

You could tell that Glen was a man that grew up with an old notion of what made a man. He had that hippie biker thing that is so prevalent in California. Tough, but loved animals. Rough around the edges but loved to sit outside by a beautiful tree. And seeing him sit in that nasty house (he couldn't even live in it anymore, he'd literally turned it over to the rats) with his "friends" running all over him... Well, in a way it was sweet. And then you hear Matt groan in another room and he and a worker are lifting up a "mattress" and you see - I'm not exaggerating - hundreds of rats spilling out of the frame and any sweet moment was just ruined. They were running through the mattress. They had chewed away all of the stuffing material and most of the casing and were just hanging onto the springs like a jungle gym. And this was a king-sized mattress. Chair destroyed, huge nests under the bathtub, in the walls, in the sinks, under cabinets, in dressers, rats, rats everywhere, and not a trap to CHINK!

That wasn't Nimh, is what I'm saying. I kept thinking of all of the rat stories Stephen King has written over the years, the tangles of tails, the blind eyes the deeper into that mill the workers climbed. GAH. I'm sure there are people that love rats as pets. I am not one of them. And I'm not interested in hearing about their virtues. Watch how many people will comment with how they love rats, not even bothering to read this sentence. Lol.

Just... POOP. Poop and dead animals and chewed up civilization and gah, no me gusta, folks. The show ended with a bit about Glen having one rat left out of the 2500 that were removed, and he'd found an additional 350 in the walls after the teams left. He's going to be finding rats for years, I bet. Or that house should just be razed. He's in therapy that focuses on grief counseling, so he seems to be the kind that is going to get much better, especially if he sticks with therapy.

Hoo boy. That was the season finale, and I have to say I'm glad. I need a reprieve. But Beyond Scared Straight starts up, and man, I love a good "Oh you think you're hard? Lemme show you what prison is really like, DJ Trevor," story. WHEE! Suburban white kids that think they're gangsta being confronted with Crips from Compton. WELCOME TO HELL, POPULATION: YOU.

3. Not making me sadface is this HILARIOUS recipe from Paula Deen. (Seen on The Daily What.) Even funnier, comments like this:

My kids were getting pretty tired of plain old veggies for dinner, so I thought I'd give this one a try. Delicioso! Even my picky toddler gobbled it up. I made a couple of substitutions. I was out of butter, so I used Cheez Whiz. And my husband absolutely hates peas, so I used a bag of Doritos instead (Tacos at Midnight flavor.) What a hit! Thanks, Paula!

I put the two cans of peas in the pot, but I found the metal can was really difficult to chew through. Did I not use enough butter?

Due to a power outage, I threw the cans of peas into the fireplace. They exploded before I could butter the outsides.

This reminds me of when I used to eat with my Aunt and Uncle back in my home town. She'd open a can of k'luth, which is Bachi for peas. Some times we wouldn't know what we would get because we lost our translator droid during the previous harvest.
(Shaking and crying, you guys. Shaking and crying. Serious, Aunt Beru was a crappy cook. She couldn't even use the hydrolator without burning down the moisture collectors.)

Seriously, the more I read, the harder I laughed. As handsomespeck says, I laughed so hard it felt like I'd been kicked in the chest. Almost funnier than that, are the "recipes similar to this" on the side bar. Recipes just like her "Butter + canned peas = English peas" recipe include "Seared Wild Striped Bass with Sauteed Spring Vegetables" and "Sea Scallops with Thai Scented Pea Puree." Really. Really? That's just like butter + CANNED peas, heat 'em and eat 'em? Hilarious. I kind of think Food TV is trolling her a bit.

*massive exhale* I seriously had to wipe tears from my face. I love it when people are purposely ridiculous. Yay humor! Speaking of, I need to finish up this write up of Jersey Shore and the people that don't realize they're ridiculous. (I MEAN, THE SEV* IS HANGING WITH PAULY D NOW. Be honest, you totally want to grudge hump him. Is that just me? I've got paint thinner to remove any "tan" that might rub off on me, though. I'm a planner.)

[ETA Ack, my Brisbanite mates! I'm so sorry for the horrendous flooding. We're just getting some video here in the states, and it's just horrendous. STAY HIGH, STAY DRY.


( 56 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jan. 11th, 2011 04:25 pm (UTC)
Ok, is the last comment a Star Wars ref? I DON'T GEDDIT.

Otherwise: my mom made peas just like that when I was a kid.

Jan. 11th, 2011 04:32 pm (UTC)
YES IT IS STAR WARS. Luke's Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are the people they're talking about. YOU HAVE HURT MY SOUL, KASSIE. (There, now you know my dark (not so secret) secret. I'm a Star Wars nerd.)

Well, I think ALL of our mom's made peas like that! But... why oh why is that a recipe on a food network? Please, Food TV, tell me how to make ice water! Man, I lol'd so hard at the trolling comments.
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Yes. Yes I am. MFEO, bb - stoney321 - Jan. 12th, 2011 12:42 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 11th, 2011 04:28 pm (UTC)
Awwwwww. I always feel sorry for the people like Rat Man who truly do *love* their animals and just can't cope anymore. I mean - i would rescue every kitten my vet has every summer - and she has a *lot* - but i know i can't handle that many animals. There's a *reason* i don't go to shelters and look around.
*clutches heart*

Oooooh, *i have made English peas*!!! Wow. I'm like...Iron Chef or something!

*except, you know, not a half a stick of butter. more like a pat.*

Aunt Beru!

*as i type, there are no comments on this post. i wonder how many comments will post by the time i'm done?*
Jan. 11th, 2011 04:34 pm (UTC)
I have a saying that I want all the babies. But I wouldn't actually attempt to bring all the babies into my HOUSE. I don't have the disconnect that these folks have, and that's what makes me sad - their hearts are typically in the right place.
Jan. 11th, 2011 04:31 pm (UTC)
I think the food channel should hire me. I'm positive I can find recipes that are just as tasty.


Open 1 can of peas.
open 1 can of lima beans.

pour both into a pot and stir gently over low heat until warm.



Open a bag of Dorritos into a large bowl.

Spoon Cheese Whiz on top.


I could go on, but I don't want to give away my recipe secrets for free.
Jan. 11th, 2011 04:35 pm (UTC)
Okay, your nachos had me dry heaving a bit, I'm sorry. I AM SORRY.

True story, I have a cookbook from my mother in law of "her favorite recipes." You might recall that she isn't a cook. One recipe is called "5 Can Casserole." It contains in the ingredients list FOUR cans. That's it.

My sister and I decided that the fifth can was that YOU CAN DO IT.
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Jan. 11th, 2011 04:54 pm (UTC)
The fifth can is because YOU can, Laura! YOU CAN.
Jan. 11th, 2011 04:57 pm (UTC)
I see you already beat me to the punch.

I have a recipe for you, though:

One cup of cereal (your choice)

1/2 cup of milk.

Combine. Get own TV show. Show them how to reheat microwave dinners and add a special pinch of salt at the end. Get own recipe book. In book, explain in detail how to make Ragu spaghetti. Get own talk show. On talk show, speak only to the hot actors and flirt with them, while stuffing their face with spoonfuls of frosting that you opened up to frost that box of strawberry cake that you made, with real butter. Die at the age of 50, taking all your secret recipes with you.
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Jan. 11th, 2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
That recipe and the comments were seriously hilarious -- thankyou for linking!

It reminds me that there was once -- and I'm not sure if it exists anymore because this was years ago -- a recipe on Epicurious for boiling water. Which -- honestly, there might still be some people that don't know how to boil water? Possibly? But the comments were freaking gold.
Jan. 11th, 2011 05:14 pm (UTC)
OMG, isn't that so funny?? I love stumbling across people being so hilarious in an unexpected place, too.

AHAHAHAHA, NUH UH! Oh, that's so awesome.
Jan. 11th, 2011 05:48 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha! Oh, Paula Deen. I jazzed this recipe up with some corn and a little salt and pepper. The family was blown away with amazement. It just reaffirms the fact that I'm the true chef in the family.

Seriously, though, I'm not a great cook but if this is all it takes to have a TV show on Food Network, where do I sign up?!
Jan. 11th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC)
It's just so ridiculous, isn't it? OMG BUTTER AND PEAS? GENIUS! I love how someone referred to her as a molecular gastronomist. Ahahaha.
Jan. 11th, 2011 05:58 pm (UTC)
I haven't watched Hoarders and I'm so glad. Your retelling just broke my heart and skeeved me out. Bless his heart. and Ew.

Also, I would shamelessly hump Pauly D's leg and proudly upload the video to YouTube for the world to see...
Jan. 11th, 2011 06:25 pm (UTC)
Mel, I love that you understand my Pauly D humping. (OMG, don't you totally have a crush on Vinny? With his Donkey Kong? LOL.)
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Jan. 11th, 2011 06:27 pm (UTC)
It's pretty upsetting, the show, but I'm so fascinated by the therapies employed and then hearing about any follow ups with the people. I want so badly for them to move past it, you know?

Isn't NIMH so great?! I love the Baski cartoon, too.
Jan. 11th, 2011 06:36 pm (UTC)
Have you seen Rachael Ray's recipe for "Late-Night Bacon?" Basically you take a few strips of bacon, put them in the microwave, and presto! You have a late-night, baconey snack. Really? Really Rachael? Are you that tapped-out for material? The comments on this one were gold too:

“Made this. I crossed the strips and experienced total prosciuttic reversal. My hunger increased exponentially and every sodium molecule in my kitchen exploded at the speed of light.” -written by Fooley

“I just realized that maybe I can even heat up “sammys” in the microwave. All this time I thought it was to store stuff!” -written by Jamie

“This is BRILLIANT. I bet you could microwave things like soup, too. You just put it in there and it cooks. Amazing.” -written by srseeker

“My bacon kept overlapping. I will not be remaking.” -written by simdude

Jan. 11th, 2011 06:44 pm (UTC)
They mention that recipe in the comments to the Paula Deen one. :D
Jan. 11th, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC)
I am English. I wish to dissociate myself from that recipe(sic). It would not work with mushy peas.

Garden peas should be warmed in their salty water with a dash of vinegar in. Clearly this woman is a charlatan.
Jan. 11th, 2011 06:45 pm (UTC)
I mean, where in that recipe were instructions to send off your children to boarding school and slather your dogs with affection? WHERE WAS THAT!? Harumph. Those peas did NOT sound English to me at all. At best they sounded Canary Island-ish. Or Georgian.
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Jan. 11th, 2011 06:49 pm (UTC)
put the two cans of peas in the pot, but I found the metal can was really difficult to chew through. Did I not use enough butter?
made me laugh so hard, I snotted all over myself.
Jan. 11th, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC)
Seriously, there are so many hilarious comments over there. Good to bookmark for those bad days.
Jan. 11th, 2011 07:18 pm (UTC)
The comments had me HOWLING! That and the tick infestation.

I always wanted a rat as a pet when I was a child, but if I walked into a house that was overrun with them I would be screaming and hightailing it out of there so fast...they are not pet rats that is a biblical plague. Poor man.

The state of Queensland is basically underwater, and that is one hella huge state. It is one hell of a disaster, and to add salt to the wounds on the other side of the country they're battling bushfires and added to boot Queensland was dealing with a horrific drought not long ago.
Jan. 11th, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)
I don't know if you can watch this in NZ, but here's the advert for the episode that gives you an idea.

He was so clearly overwhelmed and, I think, a little shocked that it had gotten to the proportions it had.

We're slowly getting footage of the flooding here in the states, and it is just so shocking! And QLD is basically the size of my home state, doubled. That's a huge area to be covered! Amazing. Yeah, they've been in a drought for what, almost 10 years? HEY THAT WATER COULD HAVE COME IN STAGES, I'M JUST SAYING. THANKS, GOD. ;)
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Jan. 11th, 2011 08:13 pm (UTC)
I think we should all try Rachel Ray's Late Night Bacon. Then when we've mastered that, we can move onto Ina Garten's Roast Bacon. We could have Paula Deen's peas to go along with that and for dessert, we can have Rachel Ray's Pineapple Wedges. Then we should all learn how to measure from Sandra Lee.

Jan. 11th, 2011 08:22 pm (UTC)
I WANT SANDRA LEE'S KWANZAA CAKE. Also, ahahahaha at her measuring, that's hilarious!
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Jan. 11th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
That one made me snort Raisin Bran up my sinuses this morning.
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Jan. 11th, 2011 10:35 pm (UTC)
OMG, that is the most awesome recipe description ever, ahahahahaha.

But honestly, that bologna need to have four slits on the outside and fried up. Mmmm, fried bologna.
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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