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Translation: loads to do, not loads of time, need to shake my tail feathers and get things did. I have three recaps to write/edit (Two Jersey Shores and a Big Love, which I haven't watched yet so NO SPOILERS, PLEASE.) as well as make forty-seven million appointments for the family, laundry, make bread, cook 2 whole chickens, and of course, play an hour and a half of solitaire and ignore everything. I mean, get everything done in a timely order. At least I've already gotten my work out in? Gah.

BUT. GUYS. I have to tell you about an ABOMINABLE PARTY I got roped into attending (on a LIE. I was lied to, zomg!!) and it's just... Wow. I have a poll at the end because I want to know how you would deal with some of these things. I pride myself on my social manners. PRIDE. I have cotillion in my blood. My hemoglobin is the FANCIEST.

That's a southern thing, huh? Cotillion? Y'all up north didn't do that, did you? It was a finishing school/private school thing, right? Why are we talking about this?

OK. So my lovely friend Brainpool is usually who has the shindigs and hootenanies in our neighborhood, as they were the ones with the pool and the not caring about people coming over all the time attitude. I've met many people at their parties, don't always hit it off with them, but am polite in social situations, as you are. She kept telling me about this one couple, I'll call them Rock & Bird, that thinks the Mr. and I are great, and we all need to hang out, blah blah. I have NO IDEA who this couple is, but Brainpool insists we've met on many occasions. Um, okay?

So Rock & Bird had a party on Saturday and were gagging for me to come, like they had mentioned me specifically to Brainpool, emailed them a request for my presence, etc. Um, okay? The Mr. and Emily were camping this weekend, so it was going to be just me, and guys, I'm just not into parties where I've never been before, I'm not sure who people are, bah. I'm an old fogey. Also, I kinda have social issues. I would prefer to be home, in my hot tub, with a book and a glass of wine than forcing small talk amongst strangers.

(Don't get me wrong, I can totally be charming and "On" when I need to be, I just don't CHOOSE that for my entertainment, if you dig.)

I stomp and drag my feet and put on some party clothes and makeup and do my damn hair and grumble and drive and get there and make sure I'm in the right place and that my friends are already there (omg) and go in and find the host. She's this tall bird like woman, staggering about, tipsy already, and talking with a group of people. I wait for a break in the conversation and say, "Hi, I'm Brainpool's friend from the Halloween parties. I'm the Geisha." (I was told this was how she remembered me, from my elaborate costumes of the past few years.)

Blank stare.

"The, uh, the geisha? I'm Laura?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that means?"

I'm red faced and trying to maintain my cool, everyone around us is looking at us now. "I was the angel statue a year ago? Um... I'm Brainpool's friend. Thank you for the invitation."

"I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank. But I'm glad Brainpool invited some of her friends."

And she turns back to the others.

OH MY GOD. I storm over to Brainpool and scream-whisper, "She has no idea who I am! I just made a complete ass of myself."

She looked like the cat that caught the lying canary and said, "Oops! I just wanted you to come!"

JESUS EFFING BEE HOLES. No. NO NO NO, that is not how you get someone to come to a party. I was pretty embarrassed and pretty mad and incredibly uncomfortable. Somehow I got into a conversation with Bird Woman Hostess and it turns out that I didn't care that I wasn't really invited, because HOLY MARY MOTHER OF BILL WHO IS A KID I GREW UP WITH, she is the most boring human on earth.

On the whole entire earth. All of it. Maybe even the most boring of all time, I wish I could build a time machine - not to defeat Hitler - but to interview every person EVER and see if indeed Bird Woman is the most boring person that ever lived. That's how I would use that invention. And then I would be vindicated. THEN I COULD REST. (Can we rest now, Buffy? CAN WE REST?!)

Turns out her husband collects minerals. Alrighty. They have curios all over with half-dollar sized nuggets on display. As someone that enjoys the things of the earth, I drifted over and glanced at some of the displays and got cornered by Bird, who proceeded to tell me how they get them. In excruciating (and repetitive) detail.

"We go to shows and there are tables and they have boxes. Not big boxes, but like the lids of boxes. And they're made of wood. The boxes. The boxes that aren't really boxes, but more like lids. You take one of these lid boxes, that are made of wood, and you go to tables where they have lots of these boxes that are really like lids and they're filled with minerals. And you take the ones you want and put them in your lid box and..."

OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP HOW DO YOU TURN IT OFF?! And she's shit-faced by now. I mean swaying on her feet blasted. And I take a step back, because I really think she's going to fall on me, but she just shambles closer, like some kind of pre-zombie brain eater, except she wants to eat my TIME AND PATIENCE, not my sweet, sweet brain meat. Oh, and she's also an "Interior Artist" because she paints faux finishes (hey-o, 1988 called, they'd like their new decorative ideas back) and she wants to tell me all about how long it took her to learn how to paint a faux brick patch on her wall (are you some horrible strip-mall Sbarro?) and all of the glazes, and all of the OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE.

I managed to escape the retelling of the materials that make up the faux marble on the cabinet fronts she's working on, and drift into the dining room which has a picture of The Narrows, a pretty well known hike in Zion National Park. I point it out to Brainpool and mention that it's where dovil and I are going. Not that particular hike, but the park, and for newbies, I used to live there. I hiked Zion EVERY. WEEKEND. I know that place like the back of my hand.

So Bird drifts over and tells me that I'm wrong, because they bought that picture in the Grand Canyon and it's a place northwest of Freedonia, Arizona (omg, that is ZION NATIONAL PARK, YOU HALF-WIT, LOOK AT A MAP) and they paid some Indian, she thinks they were CHEROKEE (omfg) and they have this amazing red rock that's like sand, what's it called?

AND I AM BITING MY FIST OFF. My left hand is now slowly being digested in my guts, because I couldn't take it. 1) that is the NARROWS, that's a world famous picture, 2) Freedonia is south-west of Zion making the place you went...? And 3) those are NAVA-freaking-JO INDIANS, not Cherokee, and it's NAVAJO SANDSTONE. Which is why you think it's sandy. Because it is made of compressed SAND. And it's named after the Indians that live there. In the NAVAJO RESERVATION that is almost half of the damn state. Gah!!

She starts getting choked up, talking about how much the Cherokee love American Democracy, because so many of the rock formations are named after Presidents and I just excused myself and left. Are you kidding me with this!? Wow.

Horrible, horrible evening. I believe Emily Post is very clear on your need to politely extricate yourself from a social setting when you want to brain someone with a piece of their vacation memorabilia. But if you find yourself braining your hostess, for pity's sake, PINKIES OUT.

And last night I got a friend request on Facebook from her. I do NOT know how she found me, and she left me a message saying how great it was to meet me, blah blah blah.

Poll #1669352 Socially Awkward People

You just met someone you do not care for.

I would just walk away mid sentence, life is too short.
I would wait for a break in the conversation and walk away, life is too short.
I would make faces at them while they spoke, life is too short.
I would tell them to shut up to their FACE because they need to know that they just shortened my life.
I would punch them in the neck meat, life is too short.
I would continue talking with them, because they are SO BORING THEY ARE ACTUALLY MAKING LIFE LONGER.

That previous person has tracked you down on a social networking site.

You ignore their request, and you'll ignore them speaking to your face when you inevitably run into them again. What do you care?
You friend them, look at all of their pictures, then defriend them. Eh, they probably won't notice.
You send them a message saying that you don't mix business with pleasure and hope they're too baffled to work out that you just don't like them.
You add them because eh, you might get a laugh out of it.
you add them because you add everyone because you're weak and pathetic. YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE, OH MY GOD. What?!

Laura, you just really need to

get the hell away from this crazy person.
go eat some chocolate. And something with cheese on it.
Oh my lands, it's that time of the month, isn't it?
Well, that explains everything.
Eff you in the bee hole, it does not explain anything, and just shut up. And bring me a soda and some fries. And a chocolate cake.

Guys, I am still traumatized. TRAUMA. LOL, I like made up white people/First World problems. Wah, wah, my Birkin bag doesn't go with these Louboutins, whatever shall I do? Hahaha, I'm kidding. There's no such thing as a Birkin bag that doesn't match any of the Louboutins, that's crazy talk.

Side note, I took my teens to dinner on Friday night and my son held my chair for me, and the hostess stopped, clutched her chest, claimed it was the most adorable thing ever, and made the manager give us an appetizer for free. SEE? MANNERS ARE AWESOME. ;) (And seriously, my boy is pretty great.)


( 87 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jan. 18th, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC)
Do not friend! She sounds like she might use her flist to send out invites and this way you avoid the need for creative RSVPs in the future.

Brainpool owes you wine. Yes she does.
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:11 pm (UTC)
Second and third the wine owe-age.

Not to mention at least a half-hearted apology.
... - stoney321 - Jan. 18th, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:11 pm (UTC)
Oh dear, poor you (and anyone else who meets her). Possibly she knows how boring her life is and cannot face it without getting sloshed. So sad that hubby BUYS his rocks. He'd be higher in my estimation if he actually took his little geologist's hammer and searched in the wilds for them himself. I hope you are fully recovered. Mind you, full marks for the introduction: I'm The Geisha/a Weeping Angel. Who else could get away with that!
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:13 pm (UTC)
Excellent point about buying the rocks! I'm not joking when I say there were hundreds of them. I.... well, everyone needs something to keep them happy, I suppose?

HAHAHAHA, maybe not the best introduction, but hey, that's how I was told I was known! :)
... - pghbekka - Jan. 18th, 2011 06:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jan. 18th, 2011 06:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC)
Hail hail Stoney!!
I want to be you. Here's a party line or two for you in the future.

Jan. 18th, 2011 06:13 pm (UTC)
Re: Hail hail Stoney!!
LOL, Groucho is always the best, am I right?
Re: Hail hail Stoney!! - a_mistletoe - Jan. 18th, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hail hail Stoney!! - killiara - Jan. 18th, 2011 10:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hail hail Stoney!! - a_mistletoe - Jan. 18th, 2011 10:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:14 pm (UTC)
OMG! I was thinking you'd been roped into a key party or a Republican fundraiser, but this sounds even worse! Brainpool obviously didn't want to suffer alone, but isn't that why she brought her husband?

Yes, manners are awesome. I like that restaurants now give prizes to boys that have some!
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha, key party! (There are rumors those happen in my Republican, God-fearing community, and I just BOGGLE.)

Um, I think Brainpool and her husband like them. I REALLY DON'T GET IT. Then again, they're the kind that find the good in everyone, wussies. ;)
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC)
Yikes! If it had been me, Brainpool would've been in the doghouse for putting me in that situation in the first place...

But I have a thing about showing up at parties uninvited/not knowing the hosts. Which made me the worst friend ever to drag along to dorm parties in college. ;)

I would either ignore her friend request, or if I felt a bit evil, accept it and then post 'helpful' links of articles about the Narrows and the Navajo on her wall...
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:35 pm (UTC)
See, I too hate going to parties where I know no one, wasn't specifically invited, etc etc. That's just a no no, in my book, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Ahahaha, I love your suggestion re: links on her wall. DEVIOUS and DELIGHTFUL.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:37 pm (UTC)
Yeah, there will be no acknowledgement on FB, because of everything you've (and others have) said. GLEH. No me gusta, ay yi yi! Estoy triste.

NICE - I WILL DO THAT, TOO. (I do like to point out to parents when they're children have lovely manners. I hate that it's becoming so RARE.)
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:28 pm (UTC)
Your friend with the pool that invited you? Yeah, she should have known better than to A: lie to you to get you to come B: use flattery and "She loves you and wants to meet you" to bribe you to come and C: not know you well enough to know that you'd use that as a segue to introduce yourself.

I BLAME YOUR FRIEND, NOT THIS BORING PERSON WITH FAUX-INTEREST IN FAUX-INDIANS. Don't friend her, you owe her nothing. It's fucking facebook, who cares? Your friend, however, needs to not lie again because she wants you to attend a party so there is a buffer friend available when boring friend inevitably becomes boring. What's great about girlfriends? We say things like, "OMG this person is so boring, please come to this party with me so we can mock her and leave after we steal some free alcohol."

Jan. 18th, 2011 06:39 pm (UTC)

But the thing is, I think Brainpool likes this lady so... I don't know, it's all FUBAR. I don't have to like everyone my friends like, and vice versa.

I unlike the sitch, but I like you. And your FACE.
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:30 pm (UTC)
Also an option, friend her, and then block all her posts, and using privacy options, block her from seeing yours. If she asks why you never post or comment in a message or something, you "just don't use FB that often"

Jan. 18th, 2011 06:40 pm (UTC)
Oooooh, sneaky! I always forget about the blocking option. Usually if I feel like I should block someone, I'm not going to associate with them in the first place. But it's a GOOD AND HELPFUL REMINDER THAT TECHNOLOGY CAN BE MY FRIEND. Even when she cannot. :)
... - roguewords - Jan. 18th, 2011 10:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:41 pm (UTC)
These things also happened in the pre-facebook days, alas. I remember a Hallowe'en party (coincidentally enough) to which I was invited as one of a couple, back about three years into this decades-long comedy routine which is my monogamy with Mr. Space. The party was at a house close to my apartment, so I was to meet him, his housemate, and my female friend who was the cohostess and who had invited me at the place of the party. The other co-hostess' husband told me I should try to get there early-ish as I had not met his wife nor the women whose house it was held at, so I could get to know them before the party got too noisy.

Guess who was there when I showed up at 8:45 for an 8:00 invitation? That's right, nobody who knew me, and the reception was about as fucked as you can imagine. I actually left before any of my friends got there, as I had been (shall we say) actively encouraged to do so, being as how neither my friend who invited me nor the other friend whose wife was the most... active... in her encouragement that I decamp had mentioned the fact that I'd been invited and the group was unwilling to be convinced that I had any busness being there.

So, yeah, this is why I mostly throw parties rather than attend them.

Julia, you have been the random recipient of my one long comment of the week, I fear
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:45 pm (UTC)
Oh man, that sounds like the WORST. I just hate awkward situations like that. Hate hate HATE.
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:47 pm (UTC)
I need to agree with you - "(Don't get me wrong, I can totally be charming and "On" when I need to be, I just don't CHOOSE that for my entertainment, if you dig.)" ME TOO.
Good lord. If my choice is to sit around in my pajamas with my husband, a cat or four, and a time wasting game or get dressed and go out and find parking blah blah, uh...I'm sitting on my ass.

And two - OMG! First, you need to smack your friend. That behavior is NOT appropriate, lying like that. She knows you have good manners and you'll introduce yourself to the hostess (or she should know, if'n she's a good friend. And second, you do NOT need to accept a friend request from the most boring, lame woman in the world. If you run into her in person and she asks why you didn't friend her (which she won't), just tell her that your Facebook is only for your closest friends, and give her your old MySpace page. ;)

Jan. 18th, 2011 06:47 pm (UTC)
Cause if you friend her, you'll have to dodge her ass online and in person for the rest of your natural. Honesty is the best policy. ;)
... - stoney321 - Jan. 18th, 2011 07:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
Everything dampersnspoons said.

You obviously have more patience than I do. I wouldn't have been graceful under that kind of pressure.
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:53 pm (UTC)
I think I was just raised to always be Emily Post about things. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I DO NOT LIKE THIS.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:53 pm (UTC)
SUE I AM GLAD YOU MADE IT HOME. However, I am sorry that you are home with fussin', fightin' babies. They just missed Mama (and day Mama) and are being ornery to remind you they exist. ;)
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
Back away from the crazy...

I thought the whole point of collecting minerals and rock specimens was the joy you got from yomping over hill and dale and fell, rummaging around the dirt to find things yourself? (I'm from the UK - we yomp over hill and dale - trust me *G*). And you never-ever-ever take a hammer to the landscape because that is just wrong - but scavenging to find things already broken off or just lyang around is OK (or at least that's what my geology teacher always instilled in us).

Brainpool owes you both an apology and a good meal AND a bottle or wine or three.

Jan. 18th, 2011 07:55 pm (UTC)
"the whole point of collecting minerals and rock specimens was the joy you got from yomping over hill and dale and fell, rummaging around the dirt to find things yourself"

YEAH, ME, TOO. And really, my FiL is a geologist, that's how he did it. It's all very strange to me. (I think they'd be the types that went to RenFaires and collected crystals and dragon statues if only they were a scoche nerdier. *g*)
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:25 pm (UTC)
Being a lifelong resident of DC and working news for decades, plus a sense of humor, landed me at more first world, whitepeople whitepeople whitepeople (I'm about as whitebread as they come, btw) parties than I ever truly deserved, even if I did eat babies in a previous lifetime.

I'm plenty social - but I know the difference between fun and getting blasted while bragging about how much money you made as a bankruptcy lawyer, or how you managed to screw your first wife out of support. Don't even get me started on clucking mommies bragging about their kids getting into the 'right' preschool (while their kids, age 4, were still in diapers), or the Eyetalian waiter that didn't have mac and cheese for Precious.

And I never, ever want to hear about your golf shot. Really.

I put on the same face I used when my kids were having public meltdowns (kinda resigned and embarrassed, but not too much) and look at my watch. If it doesn't work the first time, lather, rinse and repeat.

I would prolly have a crabby conversation about being manulipated into a party I didn't want to go to. Life really is too short.
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:57 pm (UTC)
But in your previous life, those babies were DELICIOUS. And had the piquant taste of almond.

OY, the parties where you want to just tell people to pull out their bank statements and have done with it, NO ME GUSTA. That's prevalent here in the land of Hat-n-Cattle.

I just want to do what I want to do and enjoy it while I'm doing it. Is that too much to ask? NOPE.
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:38 pm (UTC)
That sounds absolutely AWFUL. I also can be social when I need to be, but I really just prefer my pajamas, a book and my bed. I either have to know the host/hostess or I get a ride with someone who does. The thought of showing up somewhere not knowing anyone is almost anxiety attack inducing.
Jan. 18th, 2011 07:58 pm (UTC)
I mean, your pajamas don't trap you with a story about someone's fussy 3 year old and their adenoids, your book and bed don't spill fondue on your good suede shoes, am I right!?

Normally I'd be so panic attacked before arrival that I would have turned around. But I was promised that my presence was SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED so... Bah.
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( 87 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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