I'm starting to get my "holiday letters" from people I don't give a shit about. I mean, friends of my parents, or old neighbors I didn't like much anyway. "Little Timmy won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry this year, and Suzie cured cancer. If only Bob and I knew what to do with the stacks of money we have..." Bleh. I'll take a hastily scribbled signature on a cheap card any day. And so, I give you the Holiday Letter" that really reflects the truth.
Dear Family and Friends, but really just second cousins and old workers I can't be arsed to send proper greetings to,
This has been a year of ups and downs for the Stoneys... I'll just start off by saying that changing Number1's medication during the school year brought us closer to the Police Department. Really, they are stellar people. We only had to fingerprint the boy once, and the codes they use are like a second language to us now. And it seems that the idea of being "P.C." is behind us. So many parents offer their helpful advice to better our parenting skills. But I don't believe the army is quite right for our nine year old. Maybe when he's 15... Do they still hire out kids for the salt mines? I hear that will wear them out...
The girls are growing like weeds. Most children go through a lying phase, right? And stealing? Our therapist says Number2 will eventually find another channel for her energy and stop going through people's mailboxes and taking whatever strikes her fancy. Keeping our fingers crossed! This was also the year we got Number3 potty trained. I explained to my mother-in-law that kitty litter is clean (I only buy the anti-bacterial kind), and the point is to get her out of diapers. And it isn't like the cats are using it... Can anyone use a "slightly stained" armchair? The frame is still good.
Mr. Stoney, you may remember, started another new job this year. That's in keeping the trend of a new place each year, and the adjustment period wasn't as rough. We finally got smart and laminated his resume and some letterhead with a blank at the "company name" place. With as much as he travels, it's been a real comfort for me to know that Sheila, a co-worker, has taken such a keen interest in showing him around. How wonderful for him to have such a close buddy to work with every day and all night. According to our credit card bill, he is really burning the midnight oil with her! Poor dear eating at 2 in the morning. If he would only eat something more substantial than strawberries and champagne... But that's my guy. Probably trying to help his co-worker stay slim. In case you haven't picked up on it, I am being fucking sarcastic, and Sheila, I know he is sending you this, so listen up: get your fucking hands off my man, HO, HO, HO, or I'll rip your fucking arms off. Merry Christmas, dear!
With him traveling so much, "you know who" has taken over the family finances. And the car pool. And soccer. And basketball. And tending his parents. And doing all of the housework. I began to feel a bit overwhelmed, so I decided to find something that was just for me. I started writing porn. Well, there was a big debate in my on-line chat group about porn vs. erotica, and mainly I write erotica. I think it is because I use the word "member" instead of "turgid, throbbing cock-pistol" but even that is up for debate. Mainly I write about vampires from this TV show getting a leg over, and sometimes one of the vamps shrinks to 5 inches and climbs up the other vampire's butt. It keeps me busy.
So in a nutshell, we are getting the bills paid and avoiding each other like the plague. From the looks of the letters we've gotten, we've got some work to do, huh? Ha ha, but Mr. Stoney's insurance will cover therapy if he only stays with this company for more than 6 months, so here's hoping!
Wishing you would all break a leg or have SOME fucking misfortune to level the playing field,
Stoney and Family
In case you don't know this already, I was making that stuff up. You know, for the comedy! Cecily's tale in one hour!