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First let me say that all of the last requests for CDs have gone out today! Whoo hoo! Except crazydiamondsue and fer1213, your CDs will go out tomorrow... sangueuk: did you not want one? I don't know if I can get one to you by X-mas, but I can do my best. Second, on a Ha Ha note, go here to hear the craptacular holiday song "Mary, Did You Know?" for those who don't know it and read the lyrics. It should help you get behind "Gordok, Did You Know?" which is fast becoming a holiday classic between Mr. Stoney and me.

I'm starting to get my "holiday letters" from people I don't give a shit about. I mean, friends of my parents, or old neighbors I didn't like much anyway. "Little Timmy won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry this year, and Suzie cured cancer. If only Bob and I knew what to do with the stacks of money we have..." Bleh. I'll take a hastily scribbled signature on a cheap card any day. And so, I give you the Holiday Letter" that really reflects the truth.

Dear Family and Friends, but really just second cousins and old workers I can't be arsed to send proper greetings to,

This has been a year of ups and downs for the Stoneys... I'll just start off by saying that changing Number1's medication during the school year brought us closer to the Police Department. Really, they are stellar people. We only had to fingerprint the boy once, and the codes they use are like a second language to us now. And it seems that the idea of being "P.C." is behind us. So many parents offer their helpful advice to better our parenting skills. But I don't believe the army is quite right for our nine year old. Maybe when he's 15... Do they still hire out kids for the salt mines? I hear that will wear them out...

The girls are growing like weeds. Most children go through a lying phase, right? And stealing? Our therapist says Number2 will eventually find another channel for her energy and stop going through people's mailboxes and taking whatever strikes her fancy. Keeping our fingers crossed! This was also the year we got Number3 potty trained. I explained to my mother-in-law that kitty litter is clean (I only buy the anti-bacterial kind), and the point is to get her out of diapers. And it isn't like the cats are using it... Can anyone use a "slightly stained" armchair? The frame is still good.

Mr. Stoney, you may remember, started another new job this year. That's in keeping the trend of a new place each year, and the adjustment period wasn't as rough. We finally got smart and laminated his resume and some letterhead with a blank at the "company name" place. With as much as he travels, it's been a real comfort for me to know that Sheila, a co-worker, has taken such a keen interest in showing him around. How wonderful for him to have such a close buddy to work with every day and all night. According to our credit card bill, he is really burning the midnight oil with her! Poor dear eating at 2 in the morning. If he would only eat something more substantial than strawberries and champagne... But that's my guy. Probably trying to help his co-worker stay slim. In case you haven't picked up on it, I am being fucking sarcastic, and Sheila, I know he is sending you this, so listen up: get your fucking hands off my man, HO, HO, HO, or I'll rip your fucking arms off. Merry Christmas, dear!

With him traveling so much, "you know who" has taken over the family finances. And the car pool. And soccer. And basketball. And tending his parents. And doing all of the housework. I began to feel a bit overwhelmed, so I decided to find something that was just for me. I started writing porn. Well, there was a big debate in my on-line chat group about porn vs. erotica, and mainly I write erotica. I think it is because I use the word "member" instead of "turgid, throbbing cock-pistol" but even that is up for debate. Mainly I write about vampires from this TV show getting a leg over, and sometimes one of the vamps shrinks to 5 inches and climbs up the other vampire's butt. It keeps me busy.

So in a nutshell, we are getting the bills paid and avoiding each other like the plague. From the looks of the letters we've gotten, we've got some work to do, huh? Ha ha, but Mr. Stoney's insurance will cover therapy if he only stays with this company for more than 6 months, so here's hoping!

Wishing you would all break a leg or have SOME fucking misfortune to level the playing field,
Stoney and Family

In case you don't know this already, I was making that stuff up. You know, for the comedy! Cecily's tale in one hour!


( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 13th, 2004 01:56 pm (UTC)
Hee. I especially loved the paragraph about Buffy Porn.

And the sign off.

Ah hahahaa.
Dec. 13th, 2004 02:07 pm (UTC)
Hee hee! I don't want those friends of friends who are somehow still on my card list to think I was pining away with nothing to do... Ha!

*trips the smug shits with their jingle-bell necklaces, because come ON!*
Dec. 13th, 2004 02:12 pm (UTC)
I particularly loathe the Artificially Posed Family Portrait. ::shudders::

Dec. 13th, 2004 02:19 pm (UTC)
Ooh! Ooh! like the "denim" portraits! With a white shirt, or white pants (shiffer) and a denim top! BLECH.
Dec. 13th, 2004 02:18 pm (UTC)
This made me laugh so hard. And reminded me not to have any wine at Christmas dinner, because I'm really not ready to share my little hobby with the family yet.
Dec. 13th, 2004 02:23 pm (UTC)
I'll have to send you to my earlier post (around Thanksgiving) where I help people "talk taboo" with friends and family.

I just tell people I've joined an "online writing group" and they think that sounds terrific. I've left out the part about Vampire gay sex and butt-jumping-up-in.

I'm digging your holiday icon, BTW!
Dec. 13th, 2004 02:43 pm (UTC)
Best letter ever!

I think it is because I use the word "member" instead of "turgid, throbbing cock-pistol" but even that is up for debate. Mainly I write about vampires from this TV show getting a leg over, and sometimes one of the vamps shrinks to 5 inches and climbs up the other vampire's butt. It keeps me busy.

*is dead, as in decomposed smelly dead*
Dec. 13th, 2004 02:46 pm (UTC)
I seriously got a letter today from some old neighbors (who I couldn't stand) who practically have receipts attached showing you the gobs of money they have spent. Blech. I nicknamed the wife "The Calculator" for just that reason.

I think I want an icon with "turgic, throbbing cock-pistol" in fancy script.
Dec. 13th, 2004 03:01 pm (UTC)
Don't worry, just dob them into the IRD (I was going to put IRA at first, that would be interesting).

I fear for the picture on your icon.
Dec. 13th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
It would have to be subtle, to balance the words, yes....

"angry gay cops" fills me with such joy everytime I see it.
Dec. 13th, 2004 03:05 pm (UTC)
genius. just genius. that's all I have to say.

once again, Jon is having an inferiority complex about how funny you are.
Dec. 13th, 2004 03:14 pm (UTC)
raise you a "tee hee"
I like to think of myself as the "Porny Erma Bombeck."

Hee hee! you have to be, like, the best feedbacker (not similar to a linebacker by ANY means) EVAH. SPeaking of, off to read part 2 which I am woefully behind.
Dec. 13th, 2004 09:19 pm (UTC)
Mainly I write about vampires from this TV show getting a leg over, and sometimes one of the vamps shrinks to 5 inches and climbs up the other vampire's butt. It keeps me busy.

Hey, we all need somthing to keep us busy. Otherwise, all we'd ever do was get into the porn. Hmmm...wait, that doesn't really work in your case.

Heeee! I really do need to read your "Adventures of WeeSpike!" I'm not into slash. The climbing into the butt thing is just a medical thing, right?
Dec. 13th, 2004 09:30 pm (UTC)
"medical thing." Ha ha ha. The Wee!Spike series is a parody fic series. It's grotesque and silly and if nothing else, you should read Lubed!The Musical. But keep in mind: the slash is of the joke variety, not the real stuff. Just saying...

I've missed you around these parts lately!
Dec. 13th, 2004 09:46 pm (UTC)
I've missed you around these parts lately!

Really? Aw! You're the sweetest, dirty girl I know! I was busy with my party (ugh) and I went to see a show. Being the nerd that I am, I updated twice yesterday. Didn't you read it?!!! Hmpf!!
Dec. 14th, 2004 06:30 am (UTC)
I did see your posts, but was too mad to not get to see Duran Duran, (and I don't know the other band - horrors!) that I felt like a 'tard for just jumping in fo a moment of silence...

So the lesson learned here is spam you regardless of the content? Check.
Dec. 14th, 2004 07:56 pm (UTC)
I felt like a 'tard for just jumping in fo a moment of silence...
I lurve me some slack jawed yokels and spam.

Going to read some "Lubed" now. The slashy bits will make me laugh and not want to scratch my eyes out, right? 'Cuz if you have Spike weeping like a girl or anything like that I think I'll go kerplooey.
Dec. 14th, 2004 05:12 am (UTC)
Y'know, I have sprayed more diet Coke through my nose just since I started reading your LJ this fall than in my entire life up to that point. I wish I'd get more Christmas letters like that one. I actually know someone with young children (at the time) who wrote her family Christmas letters in their "voices": "I love playing with Grandma while Mummy goes to her tennis lessons. Grandma says I'm all grown up now that I'm potty trained. Daddy just got that big promotion at work, so he's taking us all to Disneyworld. I can't wait to meet Mickey Mouse and Mummy can't wait to spend the afternoon in the hotel spa." Her kids are grown now, and I often wonder if they know what horrors were perpetrated in their names.
Dec. 14th, 2004 06:31 am (UTC)
Oh, aren't those awful? I would rather see bullet points under collumns GOOD THINGS and BAD THINGS. I am maninly referring to the letters where everything is almost suspiciously good instead of coming off in a "holy, crap, we had an amazing year! For once!"
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 14th, 2004 07:11 am (UTC)
No, no, no. I posted this, got the mail, and found your holiday letter and felt my stomach drop out of my body for fear that you would think I was poking fun at you. I WASN'T!! Yours is an example of HOW to write a letter. Funny, jokey, filled with interesting tid-bits about each family member. I cannot stand the brag fests that just don't seem possible. Example: (I swear to god, I got this Monday)

"Jeff has been backpacking through NZ for a few months after getting his doctorate in Chemical Engineering from Dartmouth. The school is paying him to take a vacation, isn't that lovely! Beth is graduating with honors from Princeton and trying to decide with company she wants to be Vice-President of. No less than FOUR Fortune 500 company's have come calling... Bill and I have been playing house with our new summer home. Once we got the extension on the garage completed, we finally have a place to house our two boats and all of the family cars..."

BLECH. Meanwhile, I'm on my knees scrubbing chili-puke out of the beige carpet and figuring out who on the family gift list isn't getting anything this year, and praying the cats remember where the litter-box is today.

Sending you an email about plants RIGHT NOW!
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 14th, 2004 08:26 am (UTC)
Hahaha! What a delightful letter. Butt vampires, indeed!

it seems that the idea of being "P.C." is behind us.

Thank some-possibly-existent-god for that!

psst! I'm putting your card in the mail today! Yay!
Dec. 14th, 2004 08:38 am (UTC)
did you not want one?

er...to be honest I missed the beginning of the CD furour because I was away then I got all 'I-don't-want-to-bother-you' then I was all 'I-feel-all-left-out' then, then...yes please! :::bats eyelashes::: I'll email you my address. :)
(Deleted comment)
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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