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First, I wanted those who follow to know that the Jersey Shore recap is up, just in time for a primer for tomorrow's episode. And if you catch the reference to South Park in there, you get bonus points.

GUYS. We have to talk about her 'Novel." First off, I didn't realize it was a novel, I thought she had written a book, like a tell all, or "how to make juicehead gorillas bring you fuzzy slippers, wah" type of book. Nope, it's a ROMANCE.

I should be clear, I've only read the free chapters on my Kindle. But I'll be dl'ding the rest later and inhaling it. It's a work-related expense, lol. Not since Twilight have I seen such an obvious Mary Sue. This one is far more entertaining, however. Bella makes me want to hit young girls a la Olympia Dukakis. "Look at ya life! Look at ya choices!" "Gia," the protagonist in A Shore Thing [hurr], makes me laugh.

1. She's short. Like short. 4'9".
2. She's not thin. You might even say she was tub-shaped. (I actually adore this. It's about damn time a girl who wasn't Hollywood emaciated told everyone else that she freakin' loves her body, loves food, and loves the boys. And they love her. THIS IS ACTUALLY A HEALTHY ROLE MODEL.)
3. She drinks too much and gets into bar fights. (OK, this - not so much. But who does this remind us of?)
4. She and her BFF, who is tall (5'6") has enormous paid-for boobs by a (JWoww's) plastic surgeon, who just broke up with a controlling boyfriend (like Tom), and they're renting a dumpy shore house for a month so they can hit Bamboo and Karma (like every night on The Jersey Shore.)
5. All she wants is a juicehead gorilla to bone.
6. Gia even does that whine-noise Snooki does, "Waaa."
7. POUF.

HILARIOUS. But she gets tail every night (so far) so there's your perfected self. I have not read about violet eyes, I should say, but then, I'm only half-way through chapter 2. Hee.

Now, she's working with a ghost writer, a woman that has published something like 10 novels on her own (romance.) And it really does sound like Snooki, so she did a good job of smoothing out the "Yeah, say sumthin about some hot dude with a huge dick grinding up on her on the dance floor." How do I get a job like that? Because I'm telling you, I could rock that shit. Someone hook me up with Sheen.

Speaking of Sheen, over on Twitter, me and another guy have been coming up with great ideas for a Buddy Cop show staring Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey. My idea is this: Busey thinks he's Kane, from Kung Fu, Sheen thinks he's an outer space cop, and they roam around the country fighting (perceived) crime. In one episode, Busey comes across a group of Hopi Indian children playing, and he sits them all down to lecture them on their endocrine systems and how the mighty buffalo should be used as currency, in which case their land is now worth fourteen hooves and a pelt. Sheen stands by, Aviator shades on, smacking his gum, and checking the sky for Visitors. Maybe each ep ends with him doing a little tap dance, I don't have it all worked out yet. Ha.

I have weetiny plants bursting out of the ground all over, flower buds on my saucer magnolia, and the peach trees in the neighborhood are "popcorning." (I looked out the window and what did I see? [/random Mormon upbringing reference] I am so ready for spring. Plants! Gardening! Sun on my skin! YAY. I have to go get yet another load of compost today (this will make the third TON, and it's all just gone to ONE BED so far, oy) and spread it around before the spring rains come. Fortunately I enjoy this sort of manual labor.

If someone could see fit that I get to move to this fabulous home, that would be super. (How beautiful and serene is that house? I love me some neutral colors in a bright and sunny place, and letting the artwork be your big color touches. CALM. In this stage of life I seek out calm. And clutter-free. Lord, give me a clutter-free environment one day. I'm the person that wants to live in the white cube with a wall of glass and one chair. Only one thing to clean, huzzah!)

Lastly, today is Texas Independence Day! Have a margarita and Enchiladas Suizas on me, would you? 175 years since we said, "Smell ya later, Mexico!" (In four days you will hear me go crazy nuts for the biggest day in Texas history. I'll let you guess what that is.) And note: I'm Texan before I'm an American [Just like Molly Ivins and Ann Richards, my heroes], so you better check your anti-Texas crap before you think it's hilarious to tease me/make fun of my home. I had relatives in the goddamn Alamo. Just a pre-emptive strike for any wanna be snobs about the dumb things that happen here. :)


( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
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Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:30 pm (UTC)
(I looked out the window and what did I see? [/random Mormon upbringing reference]

HAHA oh man. I always forget that that's an actual hymn and not just an old-skool reggae jam.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:49 pm (UTC)
LOL x FOREVER, omg that made me snort. DO YOU KNOW THE HAND MOTIONS, TOO?! You're so totally a Mormon by proxy, Liz, I swear.
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Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:35 pm (UTC)
Snooki obviously listened to her English teacher's "write what you know" lesson! But, wait, she gets tall every night? That's a trick I need to learn (sans platforms, stacked heels or stilettos) , cuz the way I drink that's begging trouble).

Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey just need an orangutang to make this crime fighting buddy show Must See TV! *sets Tivo just in case it gets picked up*

Yay sun! Boo house guests! I don't want to spend the afternoon mopping and dusting and ironing! I want to slap on the sunblock and look at all the blooming trees. Maybe sidle over to a local brew pub and sit on their patio and pet dogs. Oh, Spring, I love you!
Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:38 pm (UTC)
That house is fabulous! I think I need to throw three quarters of our stuff away and paint my walls white...Okay, the 60's teak dining table and hutch can stay.
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Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:45 pm (UTC)
Pretty house! But it's a bit too clean-looking for me. It desperately needs the clutter of real people in it.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 02:53 pm (UTC)
"It desperately needs the clutter of real people in it."

THAT IS EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT PEOPLE. See, it's because I'm the one that cleans. I am all for minimalism. maybe a snazzy colorful throw and an opened book on a chaise, but otherwise, CLEAR OUT ALL THE THINGS. You can have your dust motes and sticky cups and candle wax drips, I'll take my minimalist serenity, thank you. ;)
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Mar. 2nd, 2011 04:58 pm (UTC)
Well, she makes herself desirable, kinda smart, and hot. So... It's like a low-grade Mary Sue for someone that doesn't know how to dream bigger, imo.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)

That is one sweet pad. I really dig the neutral tones, though I tend to like a bit more splash of color, something to brighten it up a bit. But with those windows and that sun, it doesn't look like it's necessary.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 05:49 pm (UTC)
Big bright colorful flower arrangements and awesome and bright paintings on the wall, and I'd be satisfied. I'm really all about the calm visuals lately.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 05:13 pm (UTC)
OMG plants! I want spring here, too! *cries*

That house is beeoooteeful. You should totally have it.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 05:50 pm (UTC)
I just divided some perennials and a German Shepherd puppy came to visit me, sniff out my work, and give my hands a lick!

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Mar. 2nd, 2011 06:50 pm (UTC)
I hate people who hate modern/contemporary, so we balance each other out. ;) But seriously, I love it, why the need to tell me everything you find wrong with it? Unnecessary.

Blue blue skies here, day lilies bursting through the soil, sedums unfurling, life is mighty fine.
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Mar. 2nd, 2011 06:47 pm (UTC)
I need that Busey/Sheen show to exist. Right now. I can already picture it, and it makes me happy.

I really want to live in that home. Even looking at the pictures just makes me feel so calm. I hate clutter with a passion, yet I can't ever seem to keep things uncluttered. Boo.

I don't get to have any enchiladas today, though I do have tequila in the house. So, I figure that works well enough. Oh! And I'm about ready to leave to go get some fried chicken and waffles. Does that count?!
Mar. 2nd, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
Would that not make the most amazing show ever? I would watch the hell out of it. I may just need to write that story to satisfy that itch.

I love love LOVE that house. (That website is great, too, super detailed photo spreads and blueprints! I love blueprints.) I make a habit of going through the house every few weeks and tossing things that haven't been touched in X number of weeks. It was stressful the first time, but incredibly freeing every time after that. YAY.

Tequila is ALWAYS the answer!
... - captainofidiots - Mar. 3rd, 2011 11:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 2nd, 2011 07:42 pm (UTC)
I LOVE the idea of the Busey/Sheen show, esepcially if Sheen was to pound his fists together and they'd magically burst into flames wherein they could then light their crack pipes off of it.

That homes sucks. Let me list for you all the things wrong with Texas. <- this was me being ironic, not me being serious. Though come to think of it everything you do profess to love on your blog does in fact suck. Let me tell you about it...

Edited at 2011-03-02 09:24 pm (UTC)
Mar. 2nd, 2011 11:58 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha, I love you. It's going to be so difficult to murder you out in the middle of nowhere. But I'm no quitter, so don't you worry.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HATE EVERYTHING I LOVE. I would like bullet points, please.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 10:20 pm (UTC)
I never understood the Texas hate. I've always wanted to go there, the weather is nice, tons of dirty/sweaty hot guys without shirts, and if Friday Night Lights has taught me anything, you guys eat barbeque EVERYDAY. Which rules.

Also. I'm looking forward to your review of A Shore Thing. You have to go over the rape scene (potential spoiler but IDK since it was a big thing in the blogosphere before it came out)
Mar. 2nd, 2011 11:57 pm (UTC)
AUGH, I didn't know about that moment in the book because I didn't follow any of the talk about her book, which is why I didn't realize it was a novel until I got the sample chapters. :(

But yes, Texas rocks, BBQ and tequila and hot boys EVERY DAY.
Mar. 2nd, 2011 11:30 pm (UTC)
And note: I'm Texan before I'm an American [Just like Molly Ivins and Ann Richards, my heroes], so you better check your anti-Texas crap before you think it's hilarious to tease me/make fun of my home.

So much WORD, my Texas sister! *high fives* XD
Mar. 2nd, 2011 11:59 pm (UTC)

I mean, yeah, we have our share of idiots, but we also have our share of amazing people, just like everywhere.
Mar. 3rd, 2011 12:05 am (UTC)
The Sheen/Busey buddy cop idea is WINNING!
Mar. 3rd, 2011 12:12 am (UTC)
Their combined egos alone should earn an Oscar!
Mar. 3rd, 2011 12:35 am (UTC)
I keep meaning to link you to homesick Texan. Yummy recipes.

My house is clutter city.
Mar. 3rd, 2011 12:42 am (UTC)
I used to follow her, but she disappeared for a few years, it seemed.

Oh, remember that I have three kids, two of which are teens, and a husband that travels. I am unfortunately intimate with clutter. I hope to break up with it one day.
Mar. 3rd, 2011 03:06 am (UTC)
Spring has brought me such a nice surprise...

If I could have one thing in that house, it would be the bookshelves lining the windows in the front room. OMG. But let's hope they're UV resistant panes (can't let my tomes get all bleached, now).
Mar. 3rd, 2011 03:46 am (UTC)
I had relatives in the goddamn Alamo.

*salutes them* My relatives were sitting in their covered wagon at the Arkansas-Texas border with the engine running, waiting for word of the outcome of the war. The minute they heard that Texas had won, they zoomed across and snagged 'em a plot of land. *g*
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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