GUYS. We have to talk about her 'Novel." First off, I didn't realize it was a novel, I thought she had written a book, like a tell all, or "how to make juicehead gorillas bring you fuzzy slippers, wah" type of book. Nope, it's a ROMANCE.
I should be clear, I've only read the free chapters on my Kindle. But I'll be dl'ding the rest later and inhaling it. It's a work-related expense, lol. Not since Twilight have I seen such an obvious Mary Sue. This one is far more entertaining, however. Bella makes me want to hit young girls a la Olympia Dukakis. "Look at ya life! Look at ya choices!" "Gia," the protagonist in A Shore Thing [hurr], makes me laugh.
1. She's short. Like short. 4'9".
2. She's not thin. You might even say she was tub-shaped. (I actually adore this. It's about damn time a girl who wasn't Hollywood emaciated told everyone else that she freakin' loves her body, loves food, and loves the boys. And they love her. THIS IS ACTUALLY A HEALTHY ROLE MODEL.)
3. She drinks too much and gets into bar fights. (OK, this - not so much. But who does this remind us of?)
4. She and her BFF, who is tall (5'6") has enormous paid-for boobs by a (JWoww's) plastic surgeon, who just broke up with a controlling boyfriend (like Tom), and they're renting a dumpy shore house for a month so they can hit Bamboo and Karma (like every night on The Jersey Shore.)
5. All she wants is a juicehead gorilla to bone.
6. Gia even does that whine-noise Snooki does, "Waaa."
HILARIOUS. But she gets tail every night (so far) so there's your perfected self. I have not read about violet eyes, I should say, but then, I'm only half-way through chapter 2. Hee.
Now, she's working with a ghost writer, a woman that has published something like 10 novels on her own (romance.) And it really does sound like Snooki, so she did a good job of smoothing out the "Yeah, say sumthin about some hot dude with a huge dick grinding up on her on the dance floor." How do I get a job like that? Because I'm telling you, I could rock that shit. Someone hook me up with Sheen.
Speaking of Sheen, over on Twitter, me and another guy have been coming up with great ideas for a Buddy Cop show staring Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey. My idea is this: Busey thinks he's Kane, from Kung Fu, Sheen thinks he's an outer space cop, and they roam around the country fighting (perceived) crime. In one episode, Busey comes across a group of Hopi Indian children playing, and he sits them all down to lecture them on their endocrine systems and how the mighty buffalo should be used as currency, in which case their land is now worth fourteen hooves and a pelt. Sheen stands by, Aviator shades on, smacking his gum, and checking the sky for Visitors. Maybe each ep ends with him doing a little tap dance, I don't have it all worked out yet. Ha.
I have weetiny plants bursting out of the ground all over, flower buds on my saucer magnolia, and the peach trees in the neighborhood are "popcorning." (I looked out the window and what did I see? [/random Mormon upbringing reference] I am so ready for spring. Plants! Gardening! Sun on my skin! YAY. I have to go get yet another load of compost today (this will make the third TON, and it's all just gone to ONE BED so far, oy) and spread it around before the spring rains come. Fortunately I enjoy this sort of manual labor.
If someone could see fit that I get to move to this fabulous home, that would be super. (How beautiful and serene is that house? I love me some neutral colors in a bright and sunny place, and letting the artwork be your big color touches. CALM. In this stage of life I seek out calm. And clutter-free. Lord, give me a clutter-free environment one day. I'm the person that wants to live in the white cube with a wall of glass and one chair. Only one thing to clean, huzzah!)
Lastly, today is Texas Independence Day! Have a margarita and Enchiladas Suizas on me, would you? 175 years since we said, "Smell ya later, Mexico!" (In four days you will hear me go crazy nuts for the biggest day in Texas history. I'll let you guess what that is.) And note: I'm Texan before I'm an American [Just like Molly Ivins and Ann Richards, my heroes], so you better check your anti-Texas crap before you think it's hilarious to tease me/make fun of my home. I had relatives in the goddamn Alamo. Just a pre-emptive strike for any wanna be snobs about the dumb things that happen here. :)