Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Oh joy!! More Bad(great!)fic!! (It's what I really wanted for Christmas)

Since everyone in LJ-land is off doing WHATEVER it is when you aren't entertaining me, I had to amuse myself. By reading FOUR bad!fic stories. Don't kid yourself and think I wasn't having fun. I got out my pad of paper and a pen and recorded the best of the worst to share. I'm so happy!!

In the "you really haven't had sex before, huh?" category:

  • "Buffy blinked quickly as Spike's voice managed to make her clit pucker." I think this chick read "lips" and really thinks it IS a mouth. Probably not a good idea to associate "sour" with a vagina. Just sayin'...

  • "'Aggghnnngggnn...ahggnnnnnnnn' Buffy replied." Sweetie, someone needs to put a wallet on her tongue. She's clearly having a seizure.

  • "Her body jerked and twitched like a broken electric cable." So Spike promptly called the power company and had someone discard of her, since he remembered the PSAs of his youth regarding broken power lines.

In the "Best(Worst) attempt to turn me, the reader, on" category:

  • "cream colored dew" Mountain Dew tried to "energize" milk and market it, but it failed miserably. But Buffy kept a bottle.

  • "her ridiculously wet pussy" I mean, come on, Buffy. You kidding me with that pussy? Get a frickin' panty liner, for hell's sake. It's ridiculous!

  • "After Buffy finished her stripe [sic] tease, a guy patted her on the behind. Spike saw it then beat the guy unconscious. The defining moment made Buffy realize Spike was the jealous possesive type. [no, you don't say?] She knew he cared for her. She looked into those blue soul-filled eyes and the need to chastise him was long forgotten." There is so much wrong here, I barely know where to begin. I wonder if his soul-filled eyes had flecks of blood on them? Silly Spike, giving someone a concussion for Buffy!! Now make my pussy ridiculously wet! Also, I wonder if a stripe tease meant she was drawing wiggly lines or circles?

  • "Spike had opened a bottle of lust inside her." It was a fine bottle, 1984, not quite vintage, but had a lovely "Mountain Dew" taste. The bubbles were more irritating than sexy, however. She didn't think he'd ever find the cork...

In the "Oh, Dear God, EWWWW!!" category:

  • "Buffy had bever been in love before unless butterflies, constant smiling and perspiration were any indication." CONSTANT PERSPIRATION?? That is fucking HAWT. And her constantly tossing up and a moronic grin means some lucky boy is getting lucky, if he can get over the dripping sweat and vomit. It's fun to play with commas.

  • "her pussy still potent with her distinct smell of lust" It was like one part vanilla and three parts wildebeast. And it had been sitting out in the sun, pissed on by a pack of wild skunks, then knocked into a sludge-filled ditch of dead fish. Yet, a note of cherry blossoms linger...

  • "'Suck my tongue.' Buffy caught the tender flesh, sucking on it until a blood red hickey appeared." I don't think I've ever heard that particular appendage after "suck my..." But maybe it's just the boys I've been with. Second, a hickey? On a tongue? This is the fourth (you read that right) time she's put that in a fic. Just bite the fucking thing and be done with it.

And in the last (and in my opinion, the most important) category, "You just can't make this shit up:"

  • "Seeing his inner beast baring itself to her was animerotic." I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE WORD!! Someone is obviously quite into NC-17 Animorphs fic...

  • "Spike has turned Buffy out like a red-hot light." I kinda don't know what this means. I don't think she does, either. Fast and without a second thought? With a light and fast touch so as to not get burned? With revulsion because of the dead bugs gathered at the base?

  • "Spike submerged himself in her essence because tasting Buffy was a prerequisite." I think I took that class for my Biology degree: Buffy Poon: 101. What a snooze-fest. Note to author: big words don't make a fic better if you use them wrong. But the image you planted in my mind was so animerotic that I egressed my She-Juice all over the audience of my desire.

  • "triggering his explosion of hot, white icing." I prefer buttercream, personally. it's too bad in this AU that Spike wasn't a Prince. Royal icing is pretty. And let me just be frank for a second. Ejaculate tastes like a sweaty hand full of nickels. If it TASTED like icing, well, I would have one in my mouth all the time. Wow. TMI?

  • "Spike I...ahnnnuuhhnn...ahhannnnnunnn" "What is it? Talk to me, luv?" HA HA HA HA HA!!! She has this same exchange no less than 5 times in one fic. Are you actually saying those sounds? Don't just read them. It makes it more fun. My cats are looking at me strangely right now.

  • "awakening his cock inside its denim prison" Denim Prison, by Calvin KleinTM Was it in your stocking?

  • "he used the threaded end with the belt buckle and slapped it against her wet pussy. Buffy cried out feeling the splashed juices on her inner thigh. The slight sting on her clit..." I'm sorry. SLIGHT? Slight sting? And for God's sake, Buffy Anne Summers. Enough with the ridiculously wet pussy. (I like a good spanking, as much as the next naughty girl, but SLIGHT sting? From a man's belt buckle on the pucker clit? *snerk*)

And my absolute most favorite attempt at poetry within prose from a scene where Buffy makes Spike fuck her on a dirty mattress behind the Bronze while a homeless man watches and claps for them...

  • "Old cigarette butts, discarded wrappers, and bottles traveled passed [sic] them from Mother Nature's breath."

Wow. This chick has given me HOURS of happy time.

And now for something completely different: got a card today from violethamster that STILL has me laughing. Jesus' Bar Tips: He makes a drink so good you'd swear it was a miracle! HA HA HA!! I love my flist. (says like Jame Gumb:) I'd love you. I'd love you so hard.
Tags: bad!(great)fic
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