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I'm not right. We all know this. Further proof is below. So dovil has had the mother of all Mpregs to make fun of, and it got my brain thinking of Spike in terms of the Antebellum South. Petticoats and passing out. So now I give you, the retelling of Gone With The Wind with the cast and characters from Angel and Buffy. (Basically, crazydiamondsue is running late and I'm filling in the time until she gets here.)

Cast of Characters:
Spikanie Hamilton-Wilkes, Southern Belle with a constitution like silk in a rainstorm, but a heart as strong as an ox
Gunn Wilkes, the kind, sweet soul who loves her/him
Angel O'Hara, the Southern bitch who loves HIM, but believes in breaking hearts and having the smallest waistline (ahem) in three counties
Wesley Butler, Roguish Rake who loves Angel, but loves money more
Mammy Chase, sassy housekeeper who tends to Angel
Prissy Harris, house slave who is a bit tetched in the head
Big Clem, field hand who stuck around

We start our story with Spikanie deep in the throes of labor as the city of Atlanta is burning all around. Spikanie's is an unusual labor as she is a he, and dead, and carrying the child in his rectum. Prissy Harris has re-assured Angel O'Hara that she has acted as mid-wife hundreds of times in this very type of delivery.

Angel O'Hara is hurrying down the grand staircase to escape the noise of Spikanie's delivery.

"Angel... Angel!" Spikanie breathlessly cries out.

Angel dashes off to the kitchen, ever mindful of her hoop-skirts around the fires of the great stoves. Angel runs square into Mammy Chase, who promptly throws her fists onto her hips and blocks any further escape from Angel.

"And jes' WHERE do you think you going? Cain't you be hearin' that poor Childe upstairs crying her/his eyes out? How in de hell that honey baby gone come outta that poor sugar's ass? Gone jes shoot out like uh egg fromst a chicken?"

Angel stuck out his chin. (Yes, Angel is also a man, but prefers to think of herself as a chick with a dick, since her shrill voice and petulant behavior is most unbecoming for a man-pire. Oh, Angel is dead, too. Or rather, UN-dead. But a woman, nonetheless.) With green, cat-like eyes fixed on Mammy Chase's brown ones, she/he replied, "Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! I won't think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow when I can stand it. After all... tomorrow is another day."

Mammy backhands Angel. "Oooh! No you di'int! You get that ass up them stairs and go hep that poor Childe get that baby out his ass and you bes' go do it now!"

With a flounce of hoops and fabric, Angel waltzes upstairs, only to run into Prissy Harris, who is humming nonsense to no one in particular.

"Oh, thank the Powers That Be, Prissy. Spikanie is about to give birth, and you said you know what to do. Now go on, scoot!"

Prissy begins to hyperventilate, "Oh, Miss Angel! Miss Angel! I cain't! Oh, Laws, I cain't! I don't know nothin' ‘bout birthin' no babies! ‘Specially no ass-hole babies coming from no dead man dressed up and acting likes a woman! Oh, Laws!"

Angel pouts, then she/he's ever disappearing vampire strength comes back with a vengeance and she/he back hands Prissy with such force that Prissy goes flying through the air, slides down the wall and crumples in a bloody heap at the floor.

"Angel... Angel!!" Spikanie is becoming more agitated as her delivery approaches.

Angel grits her/his teeth and climbs the stairs with determination. "Spikanie, I‘m coming. Give me strength, but I'm coming!"

Mammy Chase follows behind her with towels and a teakettle of hot water.

"Mammy, run just as quick as you can and tell Gunn that the baby is coming. And for him to hurry up quick, but hide from them filthy Carpetbaggers, because he is a young, black man and this is the Antebellum South. For that matter, send for Wesley Butler, too. He'll know what to do, the shameless rake - but I love him. Oh, Mammy, I -"

Mammy slaps some sense into Angel, who is beginning to ramble. Didn't she remember a baby is trying to come out of a dead vampire's ass? And that vampire is a delicate magnolia flower, liable to pass out at the drop of a hat?

"Lord, Miss Angel. Jes' stand betwixt that othern' legs and catch what come shooting out. I's taking care of dey rest." She heads back downstairs and mutters to herself, "Laws, I wish I was in tuh coma or somthin' tuh take me outta dis here picture show. Men be having babies, dey men be dead dressing up like a woman..."

Angel makes her/his way into the room with Spikanie, who is putting on a brave face for her friend.

"Angel... You came. I... I feel so weak. If only the baby would come. Oh, please let the baby look like his daddy, so tall and proud. Angel, you are my bestest of friends. Ooh!"

Spikanie has a particularly painful contraction and promptly passes out because she/he can't take an ounce of pain. Angel checks her/his nails and picks off flecks of dust from her/his fine, corseted waist. Spikanie comes to within moments.

"Oh, my. I seem to have passed out again. Where is my Gunn? Our...our baby. I believe it's coming!"

Spikanie throws the blankets off her body to reveal a massive bulge in her groin area. Angel jumps back, eyes agog at the sight before her/him. It appears that the baby has decided to come out of Spikanie's piss-slit instead of her/his bunghole of manly, dry love. In a panic, Angel grabs the teakettle and dumps the hot water all over Spikanie's delivery-meat. Spikanie promptly passes out. Again. Angel then drapes all of the towels over the cock-and-baby and hears footsteps pounding up the stairs. Gunn Wilkes bursts into the room, followed closely by Wesley Butler and Mammy Chase.

Angel falls onto the nearest chaise in relief as Gunn rushes to his lover's side, slapping Spikanie's face to help her/him revive.

"I've come. Darling, I'm here."

Gunn looks down to witness the birth of his beloved undead-ass-baby and recoils in horror as he sees where the baby is trying to deliver itself.


Angel sees that her/his friend, and once paramour (and soon to be again - these two have more ups and downs in the romance department than Erika Cane) Wesley Butler has come.

"Oh, Wesley! I just don't know what I'd do if you hadn't come!"

Angel throws him/herself into Wesley's arms (quite a feat considering Angel has two stone on Wesley) and sobs in relief. Fluttering her/his lashes, she/he looks expectantly up at Wesley. "Well? Aren't you going to kiss me?"

Wesley stands Angel up on his/her feet, dusts the tears from his coat sleeve, and with a rakish grin replies, "No, I'm not going to kiss you although you need it. You need to be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

Mammy interrupts this with, "Oooh, you scalywag! You no good, dirty summbitch! I know you talkin' ‘bout me! You think you know what to do? Took me three days to dry my clothes you wet, chicken lipped, no good -"

"Mammy. I was being a rake."

"More like a hoe to me!"

The room bursts into laughter. Mammy!

Angel stomps her/his little (if size 13 is little) foot and says to Wesley, "Sir, you are no gentleman!"

Wesley retorts, "And you, Miss, are no Lady!"

Everyone in the room gasps. A bright, red blush creeps up Angel's face, and he/she tries to conceal her penis, which has become hard at the sight of Wesley Butler. In a swirl of petticoats and hoops, Angel dashes from the room to cool her/his cheeks.


Everyone turns to see the progress the baby has made. Gunn and Wesley are barely able to make eye contact with Spikanie, so great is their discomfort with this particular delivery. Gunn races to Spikanie's side and takes her/his hand, offering soothing words of love. Wesley paces back and forth, unsure of what he can do. Mammy gets tired of all the hemming and hawing going on.

"Miss Spikanie, this gone hurt reeeal bad, but it'll make everything come to a head, nice and fast. You ready?"

Spikanie grits her/his teeth and replies, "Yes. Oh, Gunn, don't leave me. Our beautiful baby is almost here!"

Mammy stands in between Spikanie's legs, and with one swift move, squeezes Spikanie's balls in her great, big fist. Spikanie stands up in the bed with a blood curdling scream, and a large blob comes shooting out of his/her dick with tremendous force.

"Somebody ‘bout tuh lose a perfectly good mulatto vampire ass baby roun' here!"

"Big Clem!" everyone cries out.

Big Clem has come up from the servant's quarters just in the nick of time to catch the baby as it shot forth like the greatest wad of cold, dead seed ever to shoot from a cock.

Big Clem hands the baby over to Miss Spikanie, who covers the baby in kisses, while Gunn looks on at his family with pride. Miss Spikanie looks up at the father of her baby, immediately drops and flutters her/his lashes, a'tremble with emotion.

Everyone leaves the happy family alone. Angel has been waiting in the hallway for Wesley Butler. She/he grabs Wesley's coat sleeve.

"Wesley, you'll stay to supper, won't you? I'll have Mammy kill something and cook it up for us."

(Yelled from far away:) "The hell I will!"

Wesley grins down at Angel (who has hunkered down in order to appear the delicate flower she is usually referred to), "I'm leaving, Angel. There's money to be made, and lives to lead that are far from here."

Angel says in a shocked voice, hand clasped at her/his neck, "Wesley, if you go... where shall I go? What shall I do?"

Wesley retorts, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

(From the kitchen:)"Ooh! He shore done tol' you!"

"Mammy, quiet! Wesley! WESLEY!!"

Wesley walks into the sunset, Angel grabs on to the door, gasping and sobbing, her/his grief overcoming her/his frail (ahem) body.

[Sweeping, grand orchestral number as curtains close]


( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 30th, 2004 02:26 pm (UTC)
I think I sprained something. No, really, I'm broken over here.
Can you do "Casablanca" next? ;)
Dec. 30th, 2004 02:42 pm (UTC)
GREATEST. IDEA. EVER. Let me get drunker, and I'll check back with you.
... - lynnenne - Dec. 30th, 2004 04:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 30th, 2004 07:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 30th, 2004 02:43 pm (UTC)
Next one will have ubie, I kinda promise.
Dec. 30th, 2004 02:35 pm (UTC)
"Somebody ‘bout tuh lose a perfectly good mulatto vampire baby roun' here!"

If I had a nickle...

*snort* magnolia flower *snork*sneeze*
Dec. 30th, 2004 02:44 pm (UTC)
Later tonight, when Sue and I are drunk, we might call you and perform this.

I'm apparently losing my mind.
... - cityphonelines - Dec. 30th, 2004 02:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Dec. 30th, 2004 07:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 30th, 2004 03:00 pm (UTC)
Oh. Dear. God. I'm... speechless. I think I snorted my liver out of my nostrils by the time I got to this: Prissy Harris, house slave who is a bit tetched in the head, and it was downhill all the way.

I so needed a good belly laugh, and this was it. **snorfles**
Dec. 30th, 2004 07:59 pm (UTC)
Tee hee! I aim to please... Lots of alcohol helps too.

*hugs you hard, then touches boobies while you are passed out*
Dec. 30th, 2004 03:00 pm (UTC)
*diez and is ded*

Somewhere, someone is making an icon that says "mulatto undead ass-baby". I just *know* it.
Dec. 30th, 2004 08:00 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD!!! I want that icon. I will pay money for that icon.

*gives your corpse mouth to mouth*
... - spikendru - Jun. 28th, 2005 09:30 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 30th, 2004 03:06 pm (UTC)
*dies of laughter*

This is just... this is... I have no words. But I worship you now.
Dec. 30th, 2004 08:02 pm (UTC)
lord bless and keep you.. You?? you are not to worship but to BE worshipped. Like that? I'm all about the pleasing. There is not a little alcohol in my system right now.

Oh, Sue says to thank you, which I thought I did, and so: thank you!!
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:32 pm (UTC)
From your mouth to...

Casablanca. Hmmm. What about Citizen Kane and we can all try and guess what "rosebud" means THIS time around?
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 30th, 2004 08:02 pm (UTC)
I love you, so it works out, huh?
Dec. 30th, 2004 11:16 pm (UTC)
It appears that the baby has decided to come out of Spikanie's piss-slit instead of her/his bunghole of manly, dry love. In a panic, Angel grabs the teakettle and dumps the hot water all over Spikanie's delivery-meat.
HOT DAYAM!!! You know that you are converting me into a slash lover, right? I mean...this was FREAKIN' HAWT!!!!eleventyone1111

Mammy backhands Angel. "Oooh! No you di'int! You get that ass up them stairs and go hep that poor Childe get that baby out his ass and you bes' go do it now!"
If there was an award for best use of the word CHILDE in a story, I would nominate this sentence! Uh huh! *That* my friend is skill and mastery. Right there. Oh yeah!
Dec. 31st, 2004 07:07 am (UTC)
What happened last night? Apparently I got drunk and flashed my metaphoric boobies all over LJ last night.

*grabs you close*
You know I love you, right? Did I throw up on your shoes?? Did you hold my hair??

(Oh, and thanks. I'm not right in the head.)
Dec. 31st, 2004 03:20 am (UTC)
You are a freakin' lunatic. I adore you
Dec. 31st, 2004 07:08 am (UTC)
the feeling's mutual, believe me.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 31st, 2004 07:05 am (UTC)

Mommy is reading about her superfriends?
Dec. 31st, 2004 08:45 pm (UTC)
That smell? Is my dead and decomposing body as I am now dead. Dead from laughing.

Oh dear god, you have outdone yourself with this one. Hilarious! :D
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:34 pm (UTC)
*writes you check, blank to be filled out later*

A package is coming from Texas to you. It has the power of re-animating corpses. Shh!
Dec. 31st, 2004 09:44 pm (UTC)
*giggles and snorts* Oh, poor delicate Spikanie. And Angel...*giggles like a loon*
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:35 pm (UTC)
*hands you tissue, pushes hunters away seeking the elusive loon*

Spikanie is such a delicate thang, I do believe she has the vapors...
Jan. 1st, 2005 07:51 am (UTC)
I will build you a temple. And during each service (held at a reasonably late hour, so to give time to sleep off hangovers) there will be reeactments of your stories. And you will have to do the voices for us all.

I do hope no one ever decides to film them, though. I don't think I could take the infamous 'delivery-meat' scene.
Jan. 1st, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
No, that is a scene that should be left to the imagination, to be sure.

I got Sue to cackle like an old woman from reading this with the "sho 'nuff!" Cordy voice, and the Angel as Vivian Leigh, "oh, fiddle-dee-dee!" voice.

No hangover? Don't you go dying on me!
Jan. 1st, 2005 04:03 pm (UTC)
OMG, how did I miss this the first time around? Wesley as Rhett Butler????
THAT is love

best line: ‘Specially no ass-hole babies coming from no dead man dressed up and acting likes a woman!
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( 46 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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