Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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And you thought I'd reached my limit with Lubed!The Musical...

I'm not right. We all know this. Further proof is below. So dovil has had the mother of all Mpregs to make fun of, and it got my brain thinking of Spike in terms of the Antebellum South. Petticoats and passing out. So now I give you, the retelling of Gone With The Wind with the cast and characters from Angel and Buffy. (Basically, crazydiamondsue is running late and I'm filling in the time until she gets here.)

Cast of Characters:
Spikanie Hamilton-Wilkes, Southern Belle with a constitution like silk in a rainstorm, but a heart as strong as an ox
Gunn Wilkes, the kind, sweet soul who loves her/him
Angel O'Hara, the Southern bitch who loves HIM, but believes in breaking hearts and having the smallest waistline (ahem) in three counties
Wesley Butler, Roguish Rake who loves Angel, but loves money more
Mammy Chase, sassy housekeeper who tends to Angel
Prissy Harris, house slave who is a bit tetched in the head
Big Clem, field hand who stuck around

We start our story with Spikanie deep in the throes of labor as the city of Atlanta is burning all around. Spikanie's is an unusual labor as she is a he, and dead, and carrying the child in his rectum. Prissy Harris has re-assured Angel O'Hara that she has acted as mid-wife hundreds of times in this very type of delivery.

Angel O'Hara is hurrying down the grand staircase to escape the noise of Spikanie's delivery.

"Angel... Angel!" Spikanie breathlessly cries out.

Angel dashes off to the kitchen, ever mindful of her hoop-skirts around the fires of the great stoves. Angel runs square into Mammy Chase, who promptly throws her fists onto her hips and blocks any further escape from Angel.

"And jes' WHERE do you think you going? Cain't you be hearin' that poor Childe upstairs crying her/his eyes out? How in de hell that honey baby gone come outta that poor sugar's ass? Gone jes shoot out like uh egg fromst a chicken?"

Angel stuck out his chin. (Yes, Angel is also a man, but prefers to think of herself as a chick with a dick, since her shrill voice and petulant behavior is most unbecoming for a man-pire. Oh, Angel is dead, too. Or rather, UN-dead. But a woman, nonetheless.) With green, cat-like eyes fixed on Mammy Chase's brown ones, she/he replied, "Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! I won't think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow when I can stand it. After all... tomorrow is another day."

Mammy backhands Angel. "Oooh! No you di'int! You get that ass up them stairs and go hep that poor Childe get that baby out his ass and you bes' go do it now!"

With a flounce of hoops and fabric, Angel waltzes upstairs, only to run into Prissy Harris, who is humming nonsense to no one in particular.

"Oh, thank the Powers That Be, Prissy. Spikanie is about to give birth, and you said you know what to do. Now go on, scoot!"

Prissy begins to hyperventilate, "Oh, Miss Angel! Miss Angel! I cain't! Oh, Laws, I cain't! I don't know nothin' ‘bout birthin' no babies! ‘Specially no ass-hole babies coming from no dead man dressed up and acting likes a woman! Oh, Laws!"

Angel pouts, then she/he's ever disappearing vampire strength comes back with a vengeance and she/he back hands Prissy with such force that Prissy goes flying through the air, slides down the wall and crumples in a bloody heap at the floor.

"Angel... Angel!!" Spikanie is becoming more agitated as her delivery approaches.

Angel grits her/his teeth and climbs the stairs with determination. "Spikanie, I‘m coming. Give me strength, but I'm coming!"

Mammy Chase follows behind her with towels and a teakettle of hot water.

"Mammy, run just as quick as you can and tell Gunn that the baby is coming. And for him to hurry up quick, but hide from them filthy Carpetbaggers, because he is a young, black man and this is the Antebellum South. For that matter, send for Wesley Butler, too. He'll know what to do, the shameless rake - but I love him. Oh, Mammy, I -"

Mammy slaps some sense into Angel, who is beginning to ramble. Didn't she remember a baby is trying to come out of a dead vampire's ass? And that vampire is a delicate magnolia flower, liable to pass out at the drop of a hat?

"Lord, Miss Angel. Jes' stand betwixt that othern' legs and catch what come shooting out. I's taking care of dey rest." She heads back downstairs and mutters to herself, "Laws, I wish I was in tuh coma or somthin' tuh take me outta dis here picture show. Men be having babies, dey men be dead dressing up like a woman..."

Angel makes her/his way into the room with Spikanie, who is putting on a brave face for her friend.

"Angel... You came. I... I feel so weak. If only the baby would come. Oh, please let the baby look like his daddy, so tall and proud. Angel, you are my bestest of friends. Ooh!"

Spikanie has a particularly painful contraction and promptly passes out because she/he can't take an ounce of pain. Angel checks her/his nails and picks off flecks of dust from her/his fine, corseted waist. Spikanie comes to within moments.

"Oh, my. I seem to have passed out again. Where is my Gunn? Our...our baby. I believe it's coming!"

Spikanie throws the blankets off her body to reveal a massive bulge in her groin area. Angel jumps back, eyes agog at the sight before her/him. It appears that the baby has decided to come out of Spikanie's piss-slit instead of her/his bunghole of manly, dry love. In a panic, Angel grabs the teakettle and dumps the hot water all over Spikanie's delivery-meat. Spikanie promptly passes out. Again. Angel then drapes all of the towels over the cock-and-baby and hears footsteps pounding up the stairs. Gunn Wilkes bursts into the room, followed closely by Wesley Butler and Mammy Chase.

Angel falls onto the nearest chaise in relief as Gunn rushes to his lover's side, slapping Spikanie's face to help her/him revive.

"I've come. Darling, I'm here."

Gunn looks down to witness the birth of his beloved undead-ass-baby and recoils in horror as he sees where the baby is trying to deliver itself.


Angel sees that her/his friend, and once paramour (and soon to be again - these two have more ups and downs in the romance department than Erika Cane) Wesley Butler has come.

"Oh, Wesley! I just don't know what I'd do if you hadn't come!"

Angel throws him/herself into Wesley's arms (quite a feat considering Angel has two stone on Wesley) and sobs in relief. Fluttering her/his lashes, she/he looks expectantly up at Wesley. "Well? Aren't you going to kiss me?"

Wesley stands Angel up on his/her feet, dusts the tears from his coat sleeve, and with a rakish grin replies, "No, I'm not going to kiss you although you need it. You need to be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

Mammy interrupts this with, "Oooh, you scalywag! You no good, dirty summbitch! I know you talkin' ‘bout me! You think you know what to do? Took me three days to dry my clothes you wet, chicken lipped, no good -"

"Mammy. I was being a rake."

"More like a hoe to me!"

The room bursts into laughter. Mammy!

Angel stomps her/his little (if size 13 is little) foot and says to Wesley, "Sir, you are no gentleman!"

Wesley retorts, "And you, Miss, are no Lady!"

Everyone in the room gasps. A bright, red blush creeps up Angel's face, and he/she tries to conceal her penis, which has become hard at the sight of Wesley Butler. In a swirl of petticoats and hoops, Angel dashes from the room to cool her/his cheeks.


Everyone turns to see the progress the baby has made. Gunn and Wesley are barely able to make eye contact with Spikanie, so great is their discomfort with this particular delivery. Gunn races to Spikanie's side and takes her/his hand, offering soothing words of love. Wesley paces back and forth, unsure of what he can do. Mammy gets tired of all the hemming and hawing going on.

"Miss Spikanie, this gone hurt reeeal bad, but it'll make everything come to a head, nice and fast. You ready?"

Spikanie grits her/his teeth and replies, "Yes. Oh, Gunn, don't leave me. Our beautiful baby is almost here!"

Mammy stands in between Spikanie's legs, and with one swift move, squeezes Spikanie's balls in her great, big fist. Spikanie stands up in the bed with a blood curdling scream, and a large blob comes shooting out of his/her dick with tremendous force.

"Somebody ‘bout tuh lose a perfectly good mulatto vampire ass baby roun' here!"

"Big Clem!" everyone cries out.

Big Clem has come up from the servant's quarters just in the nick of time to catch the baby as it shot forth like the greatest wad of cold, dead seed ever to shoot from a cock.

Big Clem hands the baby over to Miss Spikanie, who covers the baby in kisses, while Gunn looks on at his family with pride. Miss Spikanie looks up at the father of her baby, immediately drops and flutters her/his lashes, a'tremble with emotion.

Everyone leaves the happy family alone. Angel has been waiting in the hallway for Wesley Butler. She/he grabs Wesley's coat sleeve.

"Wesley, you'll stay to supper, won't you? I'll have Mammy kill something and cook it up for us."

(Yelled from far away:) "The hell I will!"

Wesley grins down at Angel (who has hunkered down in order to appear the delicate flower she is usually referred to), "I'm leaving, Angel. There's money to be made, and lives to lead that are far from here."

Angel says in a shocked voice, hand clasped at her/his neck, "Wesley, if you go... where shall I go? What shall I do?"

Wesley retorts, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

(From the kitchen:)"Ooh! He shore done tol' you!"

"Mammy, quiet! Wesley! WESLEY!!"

Wesley walks into the sunset, Angel grabs on to the door, gasping and sobbing, her/his grief overcoming her/his frail (ahem) body.

[Sweeping, grand orchestral number as curtains close]
Tags: fic, funny fic, parody fic, wesley

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