What if some sick monkey took the cast of Angel and Buffy and made them do her bidding, in a script loosely based on The Sound of Music? You'd get something a little like this...
The Sound of Sucking
Cast of Characters:
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraede -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah
The Children - Character Names introduced further on
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem
Rolf - Faith
Sweeping hillside in Southern California, 1965. Old mission from weird religious sect that happened upon California five hundred years ago. Black Mass is about to begin.
Harmony and the other cloistered vamps cannot locate the newly interred Spikina. Reverend Mother asks if they have looked in all of the "usual places."
"Yes, Mother Darla. He isn't playing in my make-up or high heels, he wasn't brooding with many dangerous candles lit all around him, and Passions doesn't come on until morning! I... I think he's doing inappropriate things to himself."
(Harmony sings:) I've even heard him spanking in the Abbey!
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you make a gay man not a clown?
How do you write a gay man like Spikina?
A chick with dick? A vamp with a soul? No frown?
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you move his balls so he'll sit down?"
We cut to the moonlit garden behind the Abbey where Spikina is spinning like a top, hands outstretched, naked as a jaybird , and the forest creatures are huddled in fright at the edge of the forest.
The hills are alive, with the sound of sucking
From Vamps that have fed for a thousand years...
The blood fills my head with the sound of sucking
My gay self wants to sing every song I hear...
"Oh! The time!" Spikina dashes to the Abbey to try and make the beginning of Black Mass, tucking stray platinum locks under his wimple. He runs directly into the Reverend Mother Darla.
"Reverend Mother! I... I couldn't help it. The furry creatures of the forest, the moon, my SOUL! They all cried out for me to prance and sing."
Mother Darla looks on the flighty young vamp and decides he has no business in the Abbey. Well, none of the vamps did. All of the wasted medical supplies on cross burns, the constant smell of burning flesh, but ... They were there and didn't think too hard on it.
"Spikina, it is time for you to leave the Abbey for a spell. There is a dashing and handsome man who broods far more than is necessary who is in need of a governess. He was recently widowed and requires someone to raise his seven children while he travels. You will go live there and leave us in peace- or rather, you will just go and live with him."
Spikina is afraid, but doesn't dwell on things too much. He much prefers to be told what to do. He hums to himself about being confident in himself when he approaches the gates of the Vis Clap mansion. It's large enough to be a hotel, and why didn't he notice this house before while spinning on mountain tops above? Not to be bothered by deep thinking, Spikina enters the home and spies a ballroom off the grand foyer. Ever the gay lad, er lass, she flings her carpetbag down and dashes into the grand gilt-covered room with candelabras to rival Liberace.
"Oh, I MUST have found a man of great taste and style to love so much gold and gilt and glitter! Methinks my heart will burst with joy!" And Spikina clasps her delicate hands to her tiny man-boobies and begins to dance and sway to the music in her head. Because she has the music in her.
Spikina whirls around to see the impressive figure cut by Angel Vis Clap, who is furrowing his mighty brow and looking quite angry with our heroine.
"Fraulein Spikina? Leave this room at once! It is my personal happy place, and you can tell from my well practice glower that I don't come in here often. You will kindly remember that some rooms are not to be entered! Especially as I have a very large sign on the outside of this room that reads, ‘DO NOT ENTER.'"
Spikina sees the sign, gulps audibly and follows her new employer reproachfully into the grand hallway.
"Now, the first rule of this house is DISCIPLINE. You are the nine hundred and forty seventh governess we've had this summer."
"Good Lord! What on earth is wrong with your children?"
Angel backhands Spikina with such force that she is flown across the room, slams into a column (Grecian) and knocks chips of plaster loose. Angel is sad that he has something else to regret in his long life of remorse.
Spikina adjusts her dress to hide the visible hardness from her "surprisingly not female" penis. Spikina likes to be knocked around.
"There is nothing wrong with the children, I assure you," Angel's hard voice cuts through the arduous fug in Spikina's head.
Spikina can know hear sounds of growling and animal yipping, and a high sing-songy and eery lullaby. Angel puts his hand under his arm and makes a series of farting noises. Doors all over the house begin to open and bodies come flying out. A procession of children (some who look older than Spikina, and one who is DEFINITELY gay, but afraid to talk about it, and one who... well, it is becoming apparent why so many governesses had been to the Vis Clap family).
Angel begins to make specific fart noises under his arm and each child steps forth, reporting their name and age.
"Xandl, 16 and I don't NEED a governess."
"Oh, fine, then we shall just be great friends!"
Xandl tries to cover up the hardness growing in her "amazing that it isn't a female body part since she is a girl" penis.
"Weslich, 14, and I was Head Boy at my school this year."
"Dawnsa, 13, and I want you to get out, get out, GET OUT!"
"Oz. 11." A curt nod was all from this boy.
"Drusilta, and sometimes I hear the daisies crying out from the ground, the sound of their blood is a lullaby that makes the dirt sing such lovely songs... Miss Edith is 10, but she's been a bad girl."
Marta steps back in formation, remembers her mistake, then steps forward again.
"I'm seven, but the author couldn't think of anyone to be me in this production, so I'll disappear. But remember that my daddy had seven children, alright?" And with that, she disappears.
The adorable, and youngest child in the Vis Clap family steps forward, finger stuck in her mouth and darling braids of, dear, God, is it flesh tied up in ribbons? and speaks:
"Clemtl. I'm this many!" and holds out a chubby, flappy hand with five, er, things sticking up.
Spikina unpacks her guitar and asks if anyone has a special request from Ghost of the Robot when Angel interrupts, "Right. You've met the children. Make them march all day and breath deeply. Do not under any circumstances do anything that could be considered charitable or kind to them. My past theories on child rearing have obviously proven successful by the long line of governesses we've had through here, so adhere to my every word or I shall lock you up in my chamber of nasty treats, strip you, beat you soundlessly, rape your man-hole (you aren't fooling anyone in that get-up), make you fall in love with me, then dump you. Or just beat you a lot, it depends on my mood, really."
And with that revelation, he is off for "business" in Los Angeles, and by business, I mean he needs to have sex with a wealthy woman of some means and escape those freakish children of his. But they don't need to know that.
Later that night, a tapping of rocks on the window draws Xandl into the night air. Waiting for her is her courier-lover, Faith, with a "message" for her. They escape to the conveniently romantic gazebo where they begin to circle each other in a COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS and miraculously harmonized song of their feelings for each other.
Bitch, I don't sing.
Get your pants off. Now.
Xandl is in mid-leap on the concrete steps that ring the gazebo when she realizes that she is the only one singing and dancing. Huh.
"But... I... am 16 going on 17? Totally unprepared am I!"
Faith shoves Xandl to the ground, whips off her belt and begins tying Xandl's hands together.
"Yeah. Fucking awesome. I've tried to get that ass of a father you have out of the house for weeks. He'd beat me like a bitch down in his "Happy Fun Room" again, only this time I wouldn't like it. Shut up. Let's fuck."
Faith rides Xandl, not caring that Xandl's back is being scraped raw on the hard floor. She gets hers, climbs off, unties Xandl's hands then helps him up into a sitting position on the concrete bench. She takes his cock (funny, still not a female organ, yet Xandl has one, and it's a nice, long, thick one at that) into her mouth and sucks it to the root. Rain begins to lightly fall, promising a heavier downpour that is very symbolic to the liquids "raining" down their thighs currently. A quick squeeze on the balls and Faith achieves her goal.
Xandl jumps to her (ahem) feet and with arms outstretched cries out, "WHEEEEEEE!"
Faith recoils in horror at the nerdiness on display, grabs her clothes and runs off yelling back over her shoulder, "You tell anyone and I'll fucking gut you, dumbass!"
Xandl is so elated by his first orgasm that she (ahem) doesn't care. She climbs the rose arbor to Spikina's bedroom to sneak back in. The rain is coming down with a vengeance, lightning and thunder are crashing.
Spikina throws a blanket over her lap, "Oh! Xandl! What on earth are you doing out in this weather? What have you been doing?"
Spikina closes her eyes and sniffs like a bloodhound. "You had your first orgasm! Oh, you're just covered in spunk, you poor dear. They didn't stay to finish the job?"
Xandl is trembling with fear. Surely Spikina isn't going to tell her (ahem) father?
"Here. Take those wet clothes off, slowly... SLOWLY! And tell Spikina all about what happened while I take care of this mess."
Xandl strips (he can't help it that his hips sway in a provocative manner while the dripping, tight clothes are peeled away from his gloriously taut flesh) and tells Spikina all about Faith riding his jock out on the concrete floor, trash and debris blowing about their heads like Mother Nature's breath coughing up lung cookies.
"Xandl, I don't understand. Faith did what with your female oversized clitoris?"
"She... She put it in her mouth. But she didn't use teeth, and she wrapped her tongue around it and drew it hard into her mouth so that all of it was in there, and the tip of my female penis was hitting the back of her throat."
"Huh. Laah thisth? Diihh theee thcrath lightly on youuah ballths?"
Xander shivered. "Huh uh. Fuuuh! I thought about putting my hands on her head like... GUH! Like this, and I thought about her putting a wet finger in MY-!"
"Thith? *slurp* Dih you thay three?"
The sound of Xandl "remembering" his orgasm with Faith coincided with a massive crash of thunder outside. All of the children came running in, eyes wide with fear. Weslich dove straight for Fraulein Spikina to find comfort in her crotch. He burrowed his face right down under the blankets, so great was his fear.
"Oh, Fraulein, we are so afraid! How will we ever be happy again?"
"Oh, children, you just need to think of things that make you happy to remind yourself that it won't always be as bad as right now, things like...."
Rings of Amarra and poker with kittens,
Locking the door on a room full of sit-ins,
Pretty young men who are tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things...
Cream colored spunk pools and black 501 jeans
Blood drunk from goblets and boys who are SO mean
Sucking real hard on a man's ding-a ling,
These are a few of my favorite things!
When they won't bite, when my ass stings,
When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!"
They all fall into a happy, "no more contention" lump of family-building love, except for Oz because he's too cool for that, and Drusilla who wandered off to lock up a chicken in a box, and Dawnsa who is just such a pouty, needy shit, and Weslich, who was still buried under the lap blanket of Spikina and was STILL trembling with fear, so much that he was practically BOUNCING up and down under that blanket, or so Spikina said when Xandl was pouty and asked for a reassuring hug from the new Fraulein.
"Now, off to bed with you all, except you Weslich, because it seems you need me to help soothe you a bit, right?"
A nod from under the blankets was seen, and Xandl looked mournfully at her new best friend, Fraulein Spikina, who looked back and mouthed, "five minutes!"
It seemed the singing, choreographed dance steps, and a little will power had won over the children. Spikina was now setting her sights on changing the stiff (guh) and rigid (wibble) Captain Angel Vis Clap.
"Darling, try four fingers. It's time you went off to bed, but not until you finish, alright?"
I'm so very, very sorry. *wink*