Things that make me laugh: 1) MPreg, because are you kidding me? 2) Spike all soft and girly because did you NOT watch the show? 3) Chicks with dicks (I like manly gay men, personally), and 4) fart jokes. On with the show! Previous part here, and what started this all was the Gone With The Wind re-telling with Angel as Scarlett O'Hara.
The Sound of Sucking, Part Two
Cast of Characters:
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraeder -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah
The Children - Character Names introduced further on
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem
Rolf - Faith
We have a montage of moments with the children and Spikina singing and frolicking in their dresses made from tea towels. Spikina insisted that the boys needed "breathing room" and so their new play clothes are more loincloths than anything else.
As they ride in a carriage and confess to Fraulein Spikina that none of them know how to sing, Fraulein makes a most unusual face whereby she places her tongue behind her teeth and smirks at the children. She picks up her guitar (that is never far from her nimble fingers) and begins to play a few notes.
The first thing to sing is ‘Val-er-ie'
(Children, looking nervously at one another:)
(Spikina, singing up the scale:)
Oz squints and replies, "Dude. Enough of the GoTR stuff. It's not like I'm always harping on the Dingoes. ‘Cause we kinda sucked."
Spikina replies, "Fair enough. I want all of you children to learn how to behave in proper society, as your father is bringing back the Baroness Cordelia to become your new mother."
The children eye each other with trepidation.
"I'll teach you to put on a hand puppet program to woo her and make her not shove you in the oven."
"Fraulein Spikina, will we play hand puppets like you taught me last night?"
"No, my precious Xandl. This is a different way with strings and choreography and will have real production value."
Weslich becomes jealous of this special hand puppet game his big sister knows and buries his head back in the crotch of his governess. His sobs have an odd slurping quality. Fraulein Spikina is a considerate person, and throws a lap blanket over him to hide his, um, salty white tears from the other children.
They arrive home and frolic and play the eskimo way, that is, in close quarters to keep warm, but then they become so warm they must doff their hot, form-fitting tea cloths. The sound of under-arm farting means Captain Vis Clap is home, so they all rush to stand before him and receive disapproving stares. No one has remembered they were playing eskimo and all the children are naked.
"FRAULEIN! What is the meaning of this? Children, get your proper clothes on and march about breathing deeply AT ONCE. Fraulein, a word."
Angel steps off to the side, Spikina joins him.
"What happened to the threat of me beating you into oblivion, until the flesh hangs off your bones, of me ramming my hard, incredibly average penis into your prepared poop-chute until you beg for mercy, or for a reach around, or for a full mouthed, wet, slow, tongue sliding on your teeth, hot moans into my open mouth, cock rubbing against cock... What happened to my surly, angry, deformed children?"
"I'll tell you! Xandl is becoming a woman and needs a man to show her how! How to please herself when the inevitable happens: three times in one night isn't enough! And Weslich. He also needs a man to show him, not that you'd ever notice. He cries into my mouth every night, I mean my ear, and Dawnsa steals everything that isn't nailed down, but she gets on my nerves, so I call her sweet names then lock her in her room, because honestly, I couldn't stand to have her around longer than possible, and Oz! He just wants to be a man, but he's a werewolf, not that you'd even KNOW it! And little whatsername that took off that first day, and Drusilta is the oddest bir-"
"ENOUGH!" roars Angel. He grabs Spikina by the she-stick that is poking out in a most becoming manner and leads her to the stairs. "Pack your things and be gone at ONCE!"
Suddenly, the features on our angry, sullen Captain melt into peace as he hears the sounds coming from the ballroom. The children...are singing?
(Children Singing, but not Oz because he's too cool to perform on demand:)
High on his horse, Cap'n Angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl ay hee hoo
Loud was the sigh, ev-er-y-one had heard
Lay odl ay odl oo
(Weslich and Spikina sing a duet:)
Men in the midst of menage a'tois heard
Lay odl ay odl ay hmm hmm
Men drinking booze from a great big stein heard
Lay odl ay odl oo
(Spikina has a solo:)
One pretty vamp in a black leather coat heard
Lay odl ay odl ay oo hoo
He yodeled back to his angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl oo.
(All, Children answering Spikina's yodel:)
Odl ay ee, (odl ay ee)
Odl ay hee hee (odl ay hee hee)
Odl ay HEE! (Odl ay HEE!)
Odl ay HEE HEE! (Odl ay HEE HEE!)
O ho ho lady odl ay O, ho ho lady odl ay
O ho ho lady odl ay O, lady odl ay O lay WHEE!
Hums nonsense off-key, wanders outside and pokes out the eyes of a duck.
The Baroness Cordelia is sitting slack jawed, eyes searching for a quick exit.
"Um, Angel? I know you have lots of money or whatever, but..." she gestures with her chin, eyes wide and disbelieving, then back to Angel, "nuh uh."
Cap'n Vis Clap ignores her and runs to the children, tripping over a bird cage filled with dead frogs and fish, he giggles to himself, "Oh, Drusilta. You remind me of your mother. She was bat-shit crazy, too."
The children pile on their dad as Angel laughs at the overeagerness of his son Weslich getting his skin as cloooose to dad as possible and rubbing up and down.
Giles VonRipper walks in clapping. "Excellent. I shall market you as the ‘Family of Freaks Who Sing' and make a fortune! You are performing tomorrow. Angel, throw a lavish party, invite heads of state, and make your children perform to the delight of the crowd, which will end in a completely unprepared, yet perfectly harmonized ‘good-bye' from said crowd."
Baroness Cordelia perks up at the prospect of a party, "Oh my gosh, I only brought five gowns to wear! I need to find the one that accentuates my boobs the best."
While the Baroness wanders off discussing lighting and cleavage, Angels takes this moment to speak to Spikina.
"Fraulein, I had completely forgotten that I had responsibilities as a father to these children aside from just feeding and sheltering them. Please don't leave."
"Oh, Captain! Love them, love them all! Love me! Meep!"
Angel sees Spikina is a whole new light. First off, Spikina is still naked. And happy. Very happy, apparently. Second, the governess was able to draw out the children and force them to please others and do their bidding, always appealing to a dominating parent... Yes, Spikina should stay.
Spinkina is afraid of these feelings coursing through her, making her female "that isn't a penis, is it?" hard and trembly. With hands to her cheeks (ouch! They cut like a knife!) She dashes upstairs to sort through her feelings, and to get some goddamn clothes on, for hell's sake.
Baroness Cordelia watches from the great hall and sees her chance at lots of money (well, more because she already has, like, loads and stuff) slipping away. She links her arm with Giles VonRipper and leads him to over to Angel.
"Darling, we need to make arrangements for this fabulous party where you will see me in a perfect outfit, accentuating my ridiculously beautiful decolletage and tiny waist, fall madly in love with me and marry me on the spot. Then we'll pack off these freaks, um, your children to boarding school and I'll begin to shop in earnest."
Angel is still watching Spikina walk slowly to her room to get dressed, hips swaying, female penis swinging (my Lord, that thing is huge!) and hasn't really listened to the plans of the Baroness.
"Mmm, yes. Fine, fine. Giles, make it so."
Later that afternoon finds the Baroness brushing her luxurious mane of hair in her dressing room, talking out loud.
"And when I get rid of that bitch from this house, QUIT LOOKING AT ME, I'll have all that money to myself. Look, if you don't WANT to be here, you can just head off to your room."
Xandl stands and wipes the cinnamon scented dew from his cheeks when the Baroness slaps him and shoves him back down between her legs. "Sheayuh. Not likely. And use a finger or three for hell's sake. You're like, supposed to please your guests and stuff, so get to it.
"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm going to buy a yacht, and a bunch of cars, and hire Tom Ford to design all my clothes, and unnn, yeah, juuust like th- oh GOD! Damn, you have long fingers. Now suck on it hard. Shhhhhi-! Mmmm. Maybe you I keep around..."
"I don't understand, Baroness. Why is your penis not here? You're a girl just like me."
"I didn't force you in here to talk. Now go get me a hot washcloth. And then get out. I have to get fabulous for a party."