Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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God. This is really all I am, isn't it? Oh, well.

I would have had this up sooner, but a chat room lured me. LURED ME with it's talk of duck nipples and weasel sex, and Angel/Knox = OTP!! But not. At all.

So here is the next to last bit of your childhood gone forever. Earlier bits here at this spot, and here at yet another different spot. original "holy shit, she's wrong" stuff is here.

The Sound of Sucking, Part Three

Cast of Characters:
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraeder -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah

The Children
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem

Rolf - Faith

The house is filling up with guests for the ball. Spikina and the children are on the terrace watching the party guests eat fine food and dance. Weslich and Dawnsa are attempting to watlz to the music playing for the guests, but are having a hard time deciding who WON'T lead.

Oz leans against the edge of the terrace and makes a "pfft" sound. Xandl laughs, "Why don't you try to dance? Or are you afraid of women?"

Weslich makes a "meep!" and dives under the skirt of Spikina to shake the fear away. And is apparently embarassed by the white, salty tears that have coursed all the way to his chin after a few minutes of under-skirt shaking.

Oz retorts, "Only grown up men and pussies like Weslich are afraid of grown-up women."

A loud gulp is heard from the direction of Fraulein Spikina's skirts. With a large sigh, Spikina draws Weslich out from hiding. "Now, now children, if you are to be a part of society, you must learn to dance properly like ladies and gentlemen. Xandl? Let me show you how to waltz."

Xandl rockets to Spikina's ready arms and they begin to one-two-three, one-two-three in time to the music. Xandl draws nears to the Governess and whispers, "I've learned a few dance moves from our South American banker. The Forbidden Dance?"

Spikina whispers back, "meet me in my chambers at midnight."

A tap on her shoulder leaves her breathless. Mainly because she's a vampire and doesn't breathe. But also because she can sense (with her vampiric sonar for hot and willing dudes) that Captain Angel vis Clap is behind her.

"May I?"

Without a word, and with her mouth gaping like a trout, she allows Angel to lead her into a complicated series of hops, skips, and the hokey pokey. She dreams that the Captain knows the Abbey's version of the hokey pokey with other appendages to stick in and out...

A twirl, a twist, hands reaching, they move about the courtyard while the children watch, Weslich rubbing an itch, no doubt, on one of the columns as his Daddy twirls his best new friend, Fraulein Spikina. As Spikina twirls and spins in a circle, faster and faster, Angel leans over and pops the hem of her skirt up with his palms showing everyone her panties-

"I feel so free!"

Everyone tries to hide their eyes, except for brave, loyal Weslich who can't seem to tear his eyes away.

Angel grabs one of the flailing arms of the saucy governess and pulls her close. Their eyes lock with an audible click.

"Oh, are you all out here? I couldn't open the door until I remembered I had a key. You should have the groundsman oil this lock. Noisy bugger. Wouldn't you say, Baroness Cordelia?"

"I don't know, Giles!?! Angel, they are playing a lovely song, and I know you wouldn't want this dress to go to waste. Not to mention my hair and makeup that took hours to perfect and don't you look, um, domestic, Fraulein in your scrub wool smock. The two of you look divine out here dancing, by the way, and in case you couldn't tell, I'm being SARCASTIC. Come on, Angel."

Spikina holds her face in her hands, willing the blush to fade. "I.. I'll see to the children, Captain. We have a special surprise prepared for your guests. You know how you are a slave driver and want your children to ask how high when you tell them to jump?"

Giles VonRipper cuts into the conversation. "Actually, Fraulein, that would be me, but I am obviously the Captain's butt monkey, so feel free to blame him."

"Yes. And as my "butt monkey" as you put it, you will kindly shut up and move aside so I can take the Baroness' arm to dance with her?"

"Yeah, Giles. Move it or lose it."

The children and Spikina dash to the main entrance to perform a "good-night" number for the guest of the Captain, like the good little do-be's they are. Weslich is reminded that he doens't need to dab a little glitter on his cheeks before they hit the stairs and get the crowd's attention.

(All the children, with exception to Drusilta, who is wandering about, plucking the feathers from a songbird and muttering, "He loves me... He loves me not.:)

There's a sad little moaning from the girl in the hall
And there's bats in her belfry too
Our little sister's an absurb bird
Don't you know she's quite coo-coo (coo-coo, coo-coo)

Regretfully she's quite coo-coo
But you know that we are all coo-coo
We say goodbye coo-coo...
To you...

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good-bye

I hate you all, I wish you all a blight
(and disappears again while the other children do a complicated jazz hands/rainbow hands dance move)

So long, farewell, au revoir, and audieu

Have sex, have sex, with you and you and you (points to attractive men in audience, leaves with a grand jete and a wink)

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen

I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
No (kicks her up the stairs to the delight of the misogynistic crowd)

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

(does a head nod and takes the stairs three at a time)

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

I named all the stars the same name - there is great confusion in the heavens. I will drink your blood before the night is over... Miss Edith doesn't like your party.

So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good night

I wish you all would leave, get out, GET OUT!

(Slowly and more quietly)
The sun... has gone... to bed and so must I...

So long...farewell...auf Wiedersehen goodbye...

(Spikina gathers up sleepy wittle Clem in her flesh braided cuteness and carries her up the stairs, singing for all it's worth)


Baroness Cordelia sees a chance to nip this bitch in her not female pink bud while the guests are all wandering off discussing how weird it was that the Captain used his kids for cheap entertainment, and what was the DEAL with that weird girl who hurts things and hums? Weren't there supposed to be seven vis Clap children? Huh.

Fraulein Spikina was changing out of her simple peasant dress (that accentuated her pert boobies, truth be told) into something suitable for the party.

"Here. Let me help you pick out something that won't make you look like the Ugly Truck drove over you. I know! Why don't you put on that potato sack you had on the other day when the Captain was checking out your PENIS."


"Come on. One of us is a woman, and one of us is packing a thunder stick. Don't pretend you haven't noticed. The Captain certainly has."

"The Captain notices everything that sticks out, so long as it doesn't interfere with his brooding..."

"You know what's hilarious in that not even a little bit funny way? That he thinks he's in love with you. Well, let me tell you something Miss Yodel. You may think you're hot shit with the singing and puppet stuff, but when it comes to confused men no one can get them into bed faster than me. He may think he loves you with your whole Madonna thing, but they only want to turn the Madonna into their personal whore. If you leave right now, you may still be able to get back to the Abbey before they close up shop for the night."

Spikina is scandalized that her feelings for the Captain are obvious. She grabs her things, takes her guitar under an arm and dashes out of the house. The Baroness, it seems, is the winner.

"Just a quick change, then I'll let Angel know that we are to be married by the end of the week. Why am I always talking to myself? Oh yeah. Because I'm the bad guy."

The party is in full swing when the Baroness begins her descent down the stairs. She hollers out in a sing-songy voice, "Oh, Captain vis Clap? Do you think we have an announcement?"

Baroness Cordelia has changed into a black two piece outfit bedecked and bedazzled. It is a two piece because her large protruding belly needs space to breathe. Bows slide across cello strings causing a discordant noise, guests gasp, and Angel looks up at his escort. Xandl (who has been peeking through the balustrade to catch a glimpse of the adults at their games) stands up in horror. "But... but I just tasted her cinnabon-bon. I couldn't have done that... Could I?"

A woman swoons and falls to the floor. Angel rushes to Cordelia's side. "What's going on? Where's Fraulein Spikina?"

"She had to bail. Something about these troglodytes you call kids. But forget about her." The Baroness begins rubbing her belly against Angel's thigh. "What about us? Remember me? The ACTUAL date?"

"Baroness - you - how did... I haven't?"

"What are you babbling about?"

Angel points to her very obvious and protruding belly.

"Oh! No, no. Hang on." Baroness Cordelia turns her head, puts a dainty hand to her mouth and gives a window shattering belch, that smells strangely of fish and vanilla. "‘Scuse me. Shall we?"

Shocked beyond words, Captain vis Clap takes her hand and is lead to a waltz among the murmuring guests. Far off in the hills, a lonely and limp Vampire/Nun/Songstress says goodbye to the family she has come to love.


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  • Clearly I can't leave the internet

    because every time I go away for a few days, wank ensues. (Hahaha. Ahem.) Um, catching up on the latest scream fest amongst ourselves for a fandom I…

  • SPAM, but dammit, it's FUNNY.

    Courtesy of McSweeny's Stories would have turned out differently if the protagonists had cell phones. (I like Romeo and Juliet, especially.)…


    Yes, I'm spamming today but this is IMPORTANT!!!!! In my earlier post was a clip from Sesame Street - back when it was good. I HAVE FOUND A TREASURE…