With apologies to Julie Andrews. I really DO love The Sound of Music. But I love parody more...
The Sound of Sucking, Part Four
Cast of Characters:
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraeder -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem
Rolf - Faith
Spikina is entering the Abbey, tears running down her face, because she is just SO distraught. And easily defeated. And a pushover. She runs to the Reverend Mother Darla's chambers and throws herself into a chair. When the Reverend Mother makes no move to speak, Spikina throws her hand to her face and sighs. Nothing. Bigger sigh and a sob this time.
"Yes, my Childe? What brings you back here to the Abbey? I thought I made myself clear that we wanted you g- that the Captain needed you. (Mutters to herself:) That'll teach that asshole to dump me for that blonde goody-goody chick."
"Oh, Mother, I began to have feelings for the Captain - he's so handsome and broody and can never be happy and that is just SO attractive in a man - but the Baroness said he knew that I had a penis, um, large pink oboe, and I was sent there to do a job with the children, and I have, Mother, I have! But to fall in love with each other so quickly and easily would be boring and make the story end sooner. I don't know... I don't KNOW! There were times when I'd look at him, and he'd order the children to march about, or would be quiet and sulky and, Oh Mother... I couldn't BREATHE!"
"That's because you are a vampire, dear. Now if the problem is that you are afraid of your, well, ‘enlarged clitoris that is exactly the same as a penis,' will distress him, then you must search your heart, and tuck it under."
The Reverend Mother shows Spikina how to move her female nodules back and push her "okay, let's just call it a penis because this is getting hard" penis back, hold her thighs together and stand, arms out. Spikina is led to a mirror and given a large scarf to hold behind her, grasped in her hands. She cannot believe the transformation.
"I'd sing to me. I'd sing to me so hard."
The Reverend Mother has quickly and efficiently packed all of Spikina's things while she has been admiring her smooth genital area.
"Off you go, dear! Chop, chop. We wouldn't want the Captain to not have his gift from me, now would we? Oh. And you are supposed to find yourself, help them out, yadda yadda. Bye bye!"
We next see Spikina determined, brave, and walking with purpose back to the Captain and the children not caring that she just walked all the way back up into the mountains. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
We see the children the day after Fraulein Spikina has fled, fearful her penis, er, love for Angel has been discovered. The children are sprawled about the grounds, completely incapacitated, such is their grief.
Giles VonRipper is trying to encourage them to sing, which is his sneaky way of making them practice because he wants to exploit their abilities like a Bangladeshi shoe-factory owner. The children sing = he gets rich.
Baroness Cordelia wants to ensure the Captain that the rash decision to get married the night Spikina left wasn't a rash decision. She approaches a few of them lying prostate, faces frozen in sorrow.
"Who wants to bounce a ball or something? Isn't that what you people do? I mean, I don't sing or anything. I'm more the hot chick in the video type. Hello? Someone better than you is talking?"
Xandl stands and half-heartedly bounces a ball at her; Cordelia flinches and gets two on the arm.
"Okay! That was fun. You kids do your little depression thing." The Baroness turns to walk back to the house and mouths to no one in particular, "boarding school. Pronto."
Dawnsa moans to the group, "I don't think I'll ever be cheerful again."
Oz replies in a sarcastic tone, which is a lot like his other tones, "nice one, Ronald."
Welisch bounces up on his toes (easier for him since he has on a pair of 4 inch Manolo's that match his Lederhosen perfectly, like oh my God!) and reminds the children, "whenever Fraulein Spikina was sad, she had us sing about our favorite things. Let's try!"
(The children, slow and sad:)
Rings of Amarra and poker with kittens,
Locking the door on a room full of sit-ins,
Pretty young men who are tied up with strings
(A voice can be heard in the distance growing louder:)
These are a few of my favorite things!
The children cry out, "Fraulein Spikina!"
(They all finish the song together, voices triumphant:)
Cream colored spunk pools and black 501 jeans
Blood drunk from goblets and boys who are SO mean
Sucking real hard on a man's ding-a ling,
These are a few of my favorite things!
When they won't bite, when my ass stings, when I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad!"
(Final note ascending and descending on the music scale.)
They all fall into a heap, Weslich managing to fall so his head lands into his beloved governess' lap.
Sweet, adorable Clem cries, "Fraulein, you left without even saying goodbye!"
Xandl looks to her governess and questions, "Why did you leave? Did you know that Father is going to marry that bit- um, the Baroness?"
Spikina slumps, then quickly remembers the words of the Reverend Mother Darla, and sticks her chin out (come on, y'all. It is a bit short for those features.) and replies, "it doesn't matter. Anyway, the reason doesn't exist anymore."
Spikina shifts her hips in discomfort while Weslich looks up to her with large puppy-dog eyes and whimpers.
Captain vis Clap comes out to see what all the commotion is about and finds Spikina standing with the children.
"Fraulein! You've come back! You didn't even say goodbye. Not even to the children. Off you go, children. I must speak with Fraulein."
The children are sad, but have had it ingrained that to disobey means to wear god-awful uniforms and be forced to march around breathing deeply, so they all flee to their rooms.
"Fraulein, why did you leave? I think a better question is, why have you returned?"
The Baroness steps outside and sees her nemesis has returned. "Oh! Look who's come back! Did you bring your penis with you?" She links her arm into Angel's.
"Let's just say I've come back for the children until a suitable person can be found as a replacement."
"Oh, didn't you know? Cappy and I are getting married. I guess he wants a REAL woman."
Angel is a complete pussy at this point and lets the Baroness pull him away to wander about the inside of his house and be far away from Spikina. Spikina, on the other hand, takes it upon herself to wander onto the grounds, moving with fluid grace, pausing every moment to lean against a tree in a picturesque manner. She does this for about an hour, hoping that the Captain will accidentally on purpose wander out, see her silhouette (her penis-free silhouette) and fall madly in love with her. Which is exactly what happens, thank goodness.
The Baroness is hot on Angel's heels when she sees the Captain sigh, his dead, dusty heart filled with love for the precious and dainty governess, who possesses a high, clear soprano that would make the angels weep. And Angel is weeping, the big ol' softy.
"So, I was thinking that you could buy me my own department store as a wedding gift, that way I could always be sure to have exactly what I want, and that you could put an ad in the newspapers around the world saying how beautiful and fantastic I am, and are you even listening to me?" Cordelia spins Angel around to look at her when she sees the tear streaks on his face.
"Oh. My. God. I think I need a little more MAN in my man, and you are just a big fucking cry-baby. I am so out of here!" And as she ascends the staircase to gather her things and make a dramatic exit, she delivers her parting shot, "Ya fuckin' BOOB!"
Angel is filled with love for the frail, bird-like, retiring governess who has won his heart. She flinches when he approaches her (that's two on the arm) but he is able to soothe her by shoving his tongue down her throat.
"Oh, Captain, I've loved you for so long. I only wanted you. Even when I was instructing the children on how to love again, I only wanted to teach you, you big lug!"
Spikina begins to sing about ‘somewhere in her youth or childhood,' but the Captain is really cramming his tongue in her mouth, so she stops. Angel slides his hands up her smooth, waxed thighs, fingers searching for her lightening rod of love. Searching... searching...
Angel pulls away with a loud smack and a line of spittle connecting their mouths. Spikina giggles and wipes the drool away with the back of her hand. "What... what is it, Angel?"
"Where's your dick?"
"I'm sorry? But.. The Baroness. She's a woman and you liked her! I thought you only liked women!"
"Yeah, I used to, but then you came along, and you are more of a woman than all the women I've loved put together, especially because you are packing cock-meat."
And with this realization, Spikina realizes that her penis is a magic penis, a penis that brings people together in love and she doesn't need to hide from it any longer. She stands, rips her dress from her body, and spreads her legs. Her twig and berries spring forth, with a little tremor, and she throws her hands on her hips, proud of her body.
"Oh, Captain. Love me. Right here. Love me."
Angel crushes her delicate, yet well muscled frame to his body and whispers in her ear, "who should I ask for permission to marry you?"
And they both break up into peals of laughter because there isn't anywhere that two men can get married, especially when both men are dead and raising cross-dressing children.
"We should at least go on a long and extensive honeymoon, you being rich and me having gone no further than the Abbey walls all my life. That horrible and greedy Giles can watch the children. I'm sure everything will be just fine while we travel."
And with that decided, they rip off Angel's clothing and cry bloody tears in their happiness at the joy of hot, tight, man-hole sex. Angel is surprised that he can get his entire fist in Spikina's hole, and Spikina is surprised at how average Angel's penis is, so he is grateful that his new-found love can get his fist in there, because PLEASE. A governess has needs of her own. With a bite and a growl and a "Mine/Yours!" cry, they have secured their fate as lovers for ever more.
News travels fast, and the vampires of the Abbey rejoice that Spikina will belong to the Captain (they could hear with their vampiric senses the Mine! Yours! yelled from the grounds in the night) and begin to party and feast on young virgins and puppies. Because they are vampires. Living in an Abbey, for hell's sake.
[ETA] Just read about Australia's historic aid package. My. God. Way to show the rest of the world. Well done. I'm humbled by that. ::looks for UNICEF link to do more::