I give you...
The Godfather - Jossed!
Cast of Characters:
Don Vito Corleone/Godfather - Angel
Michael Corleone - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Spike
Fredo Corleone - Elijah Woods
Tom Hagen (The Consigliere) - Charles Gunn
Connie Corleone - Andrew
Kay Adams (Michael's Girl) - Winnifred "Fred" Burkle
Luca Brasi - Xander Harris
Apollonia - Harmony Kendall
(more to be revealed in later chapters.) And you may want to recall Brando's manner of talking when you read Angel...
[CUT TO: Interior of Don Angel's office]
(Jonathon is struggling to speak)
Jonathon: And these bullies? They gave me a wet willy, and a swirly, and then... Then... (Looks down, knuckles tears away)
Don Angel: Yes? These... bullies. What else did they do?
Jonathon: They... gave me a purple nurple. I want you should kill them. I want their nipples on a gilded tray and fed to wild donkeys. I want you to drain them of their blood and paint "Ha ha ha!" all over the wall of their dorm room. I want justice.
Don Angel: Jonathon, Jonathon. What have I ever done to make you treat me with such disrespect? Had you come to see me about pulling a prank, I would have done so this very day. But you come to me on my daughter's wedding day and demand that I paint jokes on walls with stranger's blood? If you had come to me with respect, those punks would be walking around with Indian Rug burns this very minute.
Jonathon: But Don Angel, I want them dead. I want justice.
Don Angel: (strokes his simian brow) But you still walk. Your nipples will heal. Justice... is a wedgie. Justice... is tying his shoes together.
Jonathon: Don... Don.. (kneels before him) Be my friend, Don Angel? (Kisses the Don's ring.)
Don Angel: Good. Consider this matter attended to. Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But, uh, until that day – accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day.
(Jonathon bows to the Don and to Gunn, who is standing in the corner taking notes.)
Don Angel: Give this to someone reliable. And I want the bastards killed. The Don doesn't give wet willies.
Gunn: I'll see to it.
[CUT TO THE WEDDING]
(People are dancing, Andrew is holding a small, silver bag that the guests drop large sums of money into. Wesley appears at the bride's side, wanting to introduce Andrew to his girl, Fred.)
Wesley: Andrew, I want you to meet my girl, Fred. Fred? This is my sister Andrew. What? You have a man's name, she has a man's name. It's a thing.
Fred: Pleased to meet you.
Andrew: Wesley, you better let Spike and Pops know you're here.
(Wesley and Fred walk to the house to greet the Don when they pass Xander, sitting outside and muttering to himself)
Xander: Don Angel. I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a human child.
Fred: Wesley, that big armed man is over their talking to himself.
Wesley: He is a big armed man. That's Xander Harris. He helps my father out sometimes.
(They are approached by Charles Gunn, who embraces Wesley.)
Wesley: Fred, this is my brother, Charles Gunn.
Gunn: Wesley! It's good to have you home. And who is this lovely young lady?
Fred: Winnifred Burkle. But you can call me Fred. (Nervously laughs as she tucks her hair behind her ear.) Gosh, you sure are big and strong and virile! I haven't seen a man as masculine as you since I left the oil fields of West Te-
Wesley: That's enough, Fred. Gunn, let my father know I'm here, would you? I think I'll take Fred away from you now.
(Gunn nods and walks towards Xander, who is still mumbling to himself his prepared speech for the Don.)
Fred: Wesley, how can that be your brother? First of all, the obvious, duh, and second of all, you have different last names.
Wesley: My younger brother Spike found him in the street, brought him home, and we took him in as family. I think he's become the family's consigliere, that is to say, the family lawyer.
(Wesley and Fred begin to dance with the other guests.)
(Gunn taps Xander on the shoulder.)
Gunn: Xander. The Don will see you now.
[CUT TO DON ANGEL'S OFFICE]
Don Angel: Xander. My most trusted friend. Apparently.
(Xander kisses the Don on the cheek.)
Xander: Don Angel, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daughter's... I mean... Gee, it's terrific to be here, and you look nice. Everyone looks nice. I hope they have lots and lots of kids, but I don't want you to think that I think about your daughter's baby-having bits because I don't. Think of them. Not to say that she isn't lovely and beautiful, and that I shouldn't think about her baby-making bits, and well sure, I thought about those bits, but that is completely inappropriate and I can see that now. Boobies.
I'm going to leave you now.
(Xander leaves Don Angel's office.)
Don Angel: Never did like that guy. But, he's the most loyal employee I have, and that's worth all the babble. Most of the time.
(Loud noise outside)
Don Angel: What's that screaming?
(Gunn looks out the window)
Gunn: Lorne Fontaine just showed up.
[CUT TO WEDDING OUTSIDE]
Lorne: Ladies! Ladies! Please! Let a man get through. How can I make sweet love to your ears if I can't get to the stage?
(Andrew sees that Lorne has shown up to the wedding and throws himself at the singer.)
Andrew: OHMYFUCKINGGODILOVEYOUSOMUCH! ICAN'TBELIEVEYOUCAME! IWILLLEAVETHISGOOMBAHRIGHTNOWIFYOUWILLSI
Lorne: Yeah. Right. How about I sing a song to the crowd?
(Cheer goes up)
(Lorne sings "That's Amore.")
Fred: You never told me you knew Lorne Fontaine?!
Wesley: He's my father's godson. Would you care to meet him?
Fred: Duh! (Slaps his arm playfully.)
Wesley: My father helped him with his career.
Fred: How's that?
Wesley: When he was first getting started, he signed this contract with some Big Band leader. The man turned out to be a soul collector and wouldn't let him out of it. My father went to see this band leader and offered to buy him out: my father's soul in return. The band leader said no. My father showed up the next day with Xander Harris and a bag of kittens. Within an hour, they were out of there with the kittens, and the contract was ripped up.
Fred: How'd he do that?
Wesley: Xander Harris held the bag of kittens in front of the man's face and my father said either he ripped up the contract, or they would be juggling the kittens by nightfall.
That's a true story. That's my family, Fred. Not me.
(Someone taps Wesley on the shoulder)
Wesley: Oh. Frodo. It's you. Frodo, this is my girl, Fred. Fred, this is my whiney, "overburdened" brother, Frodo.
(Frodo immediately gasps like a fish on land and slumps to the ground, eyes rolled up in his head.)
Fred: Strange fellow.
Wesley: He's a bit melodramatic, yes.
TBC Right Here!
I try to leave, but I keep getting pulled back in...