Oh. A bit off topic. Well, I'm having a bit off day. In case you didn't catch it, Part One is here.
Title: The Godfather - Jossed! (you try coming up for an alternative to "Godfather!"
Rating: PG-13 for kitten juggling. No NC-17 this time, kiddoes. *everyone sighs relief*
Summary: I take the characters from Buffyverse and force them into roles of popular movies. It's less painful than the crap of AFFN, I swear. It's meant to be a joke, mm'kay?
The Godfather - Jossed! Part Two
When we last saw our players, the wedding of Don Angel's beloved daughter Andrew (what? Fred has a boy's name.) was in full swing. Wesley brought his girl home to meet the family, and Lorne Fontaine put in an appearance. He has slipped away from his adoring fans to speak to his Godfather.
[CUT TO: Don Angel's office, later that day.]
Lorne Fontaine: I don't know what to do. My voice - it's nasal. I scoop when I sing. So far, the fans haven't noticed. But this director? He won't hire me. There's this movie, and the main guy is a green demon from another dimension who can sing. I mean, the part was made for me! But he won't hire me. This will put me back on top, but this guy...
Don Angel: Who's this guy?
Lorne: Holtz. Holtz. And he won't give it to me! There's no chance.. No chance.
Don Angel: Gunn. Go get Spike.
(Gunn leaves the room)
[CUT TO GUNN WANDERING IN THE HOUSE, LOOKING FOR SPIKE]
Gunn: Spike? You in there?
(Muffled sounds of sex can be heard on the other side of the door.)
Spike: Yeah. What is it? (He is holding his hand over someone's mouth.)
Gunn: Your pop. He wants to see you. Better wrap it up.
Spike: You heard the man.
(He vamps out, bites his partner's neck and shoots his load into the dying body. With a zip of his pants, he heads out to meet his father.)
[CUT TO: Don Angel's office]
Lorne: A month ago, this guy bought the movie rights. I wouldn't even have to act. I could just be myself. Oh, Don! I don't know what to do! (Breaks down into tears)
(Don Angel slaps Lorne, knocking him across the room)
Don Angel: You can act like a man! Or, demon. Whatever.
Waah! I don't know what to do! Waah!
(Gunn laughs to himself)
What's the matter with you? Big green demon like you whining to me? It's ridiculous.
(Spike enters the room)
Don Angel: Tell you what. One month. They give you the part. You stay close to home and spend time with your family.
Lorne: But they start filming in a week!
Don Angel: I'm gonna take care of it..
Lorne: You're gonna threaten to kill him?
Don Angel: No. I'm gonna make Spike have sex with him. Apparently he's so good in the sack, anyone will do anything or forget anything because of it. Of course I'm gonna threaten to kill him. But that's so "in your face." I'm gonna "make him an offer he can't refuse."
Now go on. Get out of here. Gunn, we'll talk after you get back from Warner Brothers.
Gunn: I'm going to Warner Brothers? But they cancelled us.
Don Angel: You're going to go out there and see this Holtz. And you are going to let him know that Lorne gets the picture. Settle this business. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to throw my daughter a crumb and take a picture with her on her wedding day.
[CUT TO WEDDING]
Photographer: Everybody smile now - get closer - say Type A!
Family: Type A!
[CUT TO WARNER BROTHERS: Holtz office]
Holtz: I suggest you begin speaking immediately. My time is very valuable, Mr...?
Gunn: Gunn. Charles Gunn. I was sent by a friend of Lorne Fontaine. This friend is my client who will give his undying friendship to you if you will grant us a small - favor.
Holtz: And what is this... favor?
Gunn: Give Lorne the part in the movie you are starting to film next week.
Holtz: (laughs) And what favor would your "friend" grant me?
Gunn: You're going to start having people not show up for work. Complaints of being dead with neck wounds, most likely. My client could make that problem disappear. Also, one of your employees has just moved from binge drinking and killing to reading het. FLUFFY SPUFFY het -
Holtz: Are you trying to threaten me?
Gunn: Absolutely not. You'd know it if I was up in your grill.
Holtz: Listen you undead, no brain, filth! Lorne isn't getting that movie. I don't care how many vampire, slum-living, dead worshipping -
Gunn: I'm human who works for a wealthy man. Ain't no slum but the music, bro.
Holtz: Let me tell you something my black friend. I'm going to make trouble for you. You won't know what hit you. Quite possibly because you will be dead in an instant.
Gunn: Sir, I'm a lawyer. I have not threatened you.
Holtz: I know almost every lawyer in LA. Who the hell are you?
Gunn: I'm specialized. I have only one client. Now, you have my number, I'll wait to hear from you. By the way, I enjoyed working here very much. Before y'all turned into a bunch of number chasing bitches.
(Gunn leaves. Holtz nods to his assistant)
Holtz: Check him out.
(The assistant tilts her head sideways and gives out a wolfish whistle at the sight of that ass leaving.)
Holtz: Idiots. I work with idiots.
[CUT TO HOLTZ'S MANSION - NEXT DAY]
Holtz: Why didn't you tell me that you worked for Don Angel?
Gunn: I try to not use his name if I don't have to. Mainly because Don Angel doesn't sound even remotely Italian.
Holtz: Do you appreciate beauty, Mr.Gunn? Please. Do come see this.
(Leads Gunn to a lit pedestal in the foyer. There is a glass box with something in it.)
Holtz: This is my most prized possession. My son made me this macaroni and glitter covered clay-kitty ash-tray when he was in school. He died shortly after. He inhaled the glitter and cheap glue and it killed him. I've had it insured for $6,000,000. That framed picture in there is him. If anything ever happened to this, why, I would come undone and grant anything requested of me. Now about your friend. I won't give him the movie. That's it.
(Gunn looks down, frowning.)
You listen. Lorne is never going to get that movie, and I'll tell you why. I went to Karaoke night at his club once. And I performed "Wind Beneath My Wings." And the women wept, and the men smiled at me. I knew that I had done well. They gave me a standing ovation. And Lorne told me that the song was blase, then HE performed "It's Raining Men." I ask you. And because he was wearing a tacky suit and did a drag queen performance, everyone seemed to overlook the fact that the man cannot sing. And so? The bastard will have NOTHING from me. And if that boss of yours tries anything involving kittens, yes, I heard that story. I am no bandleader. I'm a DIRECTOR. Now, get out.
Gunn: Fine. I need to speak to my client immediately. Don Angel is a man that likes to hear bad news so he can start brooding immediately.
(Holtz forces Gunn out of his house.)
[CUT TO HOLTZ'S BEDROOM: Early morning]
(Holtz is asleep, but slowly wakening. He feels a crunching below him. He gradually opens his eyes to see small shards of sparkly macaroni and ceramic pieces strewn about the bed. As his eyes come into focus, he sees the kitty head on the pillow next to him. All of the macaroni has been picked off and glued in a grotesque imitation of a devil's beard and eyebrows on his dead son's picture.)
Holtz: (screaming endlessly as we fade to black.)