The Godfather - Jossed! (this could take a while...)
Cast of Characters:
Don Vito Corleone/Godfather - Angel
Michael Corleone - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Spike
Fredo Corleone - Elijah Woods
Tom Hagen (The Consigliere) - Charles Gunn
Connie Corleone - Andrew
Kay Adams (Michael's Girl) - Winnifred "Fred" Burkle
Luca Brasi - Xander Harris
Apollonia - Harmony Kendall
Virgil Sollozzo - Ethan Rayne
Bruno Tattaglia - Darla
A/N: Heads up: this is a parody. If characters die, it isn't real. Neither are the characters. WORDS, people. These are words.
We last left the wedding, along with Holtz getting an "offer he couldn't refuse:" Kitty-cat ashtrays de-glittered, all the macaroni... GONE.
[CUT TO: Don Angel's office, later that day]
Gunn: Ethan Sollozzo. He's been arrested several times, both here and overseas, but nothing ever stuck. His business is chaos. Mayhem. He has a budding business of creating magic chocolate bars - they cause people to become kids, thereby destroying the infrastructure of cities, then vamps can feed at leisure. He's wanting some start up capital to bring it to the big leagues here. He wants protection from the politicians and police we know. Darla and the whole Tattaglia family have given him their support. She has to be in it for something.
Don Angel: Spike? What do you think?
Spike: There's lots of fun to be had with turning people into kids. We can make a lot of money off this deal.
Don Angel: Gunn?
Gunn: Well, I'd say we should go in on it. Mainly because if we don't, some two-bit politician is going to get in on it to make the citizens forget about some important proposition to be voted on. Plus, it'll be hilarious to see some ol' Grandpa trying to shake it like he used to. If we don't get in on it now, we'll miss out on a big opportunity.
Don Angel: Fine. Let him in.
(Ethan Sollozzo walks in, shakes hands with Spike)
Ethan: Hello. Don Angel, I need powerful friends. I need a million dollars in cash. I need to change my clubbing shirts into something more stylish, such as yourself. What I need, Don Angel, is your power and influence. And a billowy coat.
Don Angel: What is the interest for my family?
Ethan: Thirty percent. And all of the milk-chocolate bars, untainted, of course, that you and your family can digest. Oh, and there's the added bonus of morons wandering the streets to be robbed, raped, fed upon...
Don Angel: What is the interest for Darla?
Ethan: (shocked momentarily) My compliments. There's some cheerleader in Sunnydale she wants to torment. We make sure her mother gets some... You get the picture. But that happens on my time, not yours.
Don Angel: So why do you come to me? Why do I receive this generosity?
Ethan: Generosity? If a million dollars, fashion advice and power is generosity, then you are obviously doing well.
Don Angel: I said that I would see you because I see that you are a serious man. Except when you crack jokes. I, however, do not. Except those few times I did. But I see that you are to be treated with respect. But I must tell you "no." It's true I have a lot of powerful friends. But they would not appreciate me turning into Willy Wonka. We like to have murderous crime sprees that involve fear. Not crunchy caramel centers.
Ethan: But Don Angel...
Don Angel: It doesn't... No, it doesn't matter to me what a man does to make a living. But your business... It's ah, it's a bit silly.
Ethan: If you are worried about the chocolate bars, I have another idea that turns people into the clothing they wear. Darla is in full support-
Spike: Aw, are you trying to tell me that Darla wants some kid-operation like that in her name? You got her to green light that?
Don Angel: (vamps out) Shut up, Spike.
(Gunn looks away, understanding the severity of Spike's outburst)
Don Angel: I have a sentimental weakness for my Childe and I spoil him, as you can see. He talks when he should just shut the hell up. Anyway, Ethan Sollozzo: my answer is "no." I want to congratulate you on your new business venture, and if you come out with something like Whatchamacallit, let me know. I used to love those.
(Ethan Sollozzo leaves the room)
Don Angel: Spike. Come here. What's the matter with you? Don't ever let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking. And you don't get to talk about Darla, you hear? Go find someone's leg to hump.
(Spike leaves, unaware of the drool forming on his lip at the thought of humping anything.)
Don Angel: Send Xander Brasi in here. I want to talk about a job.
Don Angel: I want you to look into this chocolate bunny deal with Darla. I don't trust her. Go to her and make her think you are unhappy working with me. Shouldn't be hard considering I knock you unconscious a few times a year. Find out what you can.
Xander: No problem, boss. But those are just love taps, I don't mind. Well, I mean, I MIND, but you know - what are you gonna do? So, uh, that Darla. She's a piece of work, right? Pretty to look at until she goes all "GRR!" What's up with that? You want me to go deep undercover? Like, under the covers with her? I bet she learned some tricks over the centuries. Man, how could you let that go? Well, she's a homicidal maniac, but in a cute way and-
Don Angel: Is it time for one of those annual concussions?
Xander: No, sir.
Don Angel: Just... don't talk. See if you can manage that.
[CUT TO: NEXT DAY: Xander putting on a bullet proof vest and cross]
[CUT TO: Don Angel's office in the city]
Don Angel: Frodo, tell Parker to get the car.
Frodo: (gasps, tears down his face) Father... Parker called in sick. It... it was too heavy a burden for him to come today. I'll do it. (Spoken with resignation)
Don Angel: Fine. Whatever. You don't have to be such a friggin' Prima donna about it.
(They walk outside to the car, Don Angel waves to a butcher across the street.)
[CUT TO: Xander walking into a bar, Darla is waiting for him with henchmen)
Darla: Xander. I'm Darla Tattaglia.
Xander: Uh... yeah. That's kinda why I'm here.
Ethan: You know who I am?
Ethan: We hear you are getting sick of working for Angel. Always going evil, getting his soul back, good one day, nailing puppies to the wall the next. We could use someone like you. Someone willing to get hit a lot and stay loyal.
Xander: What's in it for me?
Ethan: You like women?
Xander: Sometimes. Depends who's writing- Uh, yeah.
Ethan: How about all the whores you could want? And chocolate. Give you a line of credit to some wonderful hollowed Easter bunnies. How does that sound? (Holds hand out to shake)
Xander: (smiles, reaches out to shake) Great!! I like whores! Can you dress them up like Japanese school girls? I have a thing for- OWWW!!
(Darla has vamped out and is biting his neck from behind. Xander's body slumps to the ground. Ethan kicks him over, going through his pockets.)
Ethan: He wore a bullet-proof vest! And a cross.
Darla: What a moron. Vampires don't use guns. Mmm. He tasted like Cran-apple.
[CUT TO: Moments later, Gunn is walking down the street. A car pulls up.]
Ethan: Mr. Gunn. Just the man I was looking for. Get in.
Gunn: You're kidding right? I could take you before you skinny ass knew what hit you.
Ethan: Riiiight. Nonetheless, I'm a pussy that prefers to hit people from behind, so you should be quite safe with me. Please. Get in.
[CUT TO: Street, Don Angel and Frodo walking to the car]
Don Angel: Wait a minute. I want to pick up some blood. (Wanders over to the butcher, looks at the latest samples) What is this, otter? Gimme three pints and some of that virgin blood you keep behind the counter.
(The butcher dives behind the counter. Don Angel hears footsteps behind him and begins to run. Several shots ring out.)
(As Don Angel falls to the street, he begins to smoke from several places. He has been hit with water balloons that have apparently been filled with holy water. Frodo falls down -big surprise- next to him, cradling his head in his lap.)
Frodo: I can't... I... Papa. The ring... I can't go another... (Passes out.)
Don Angel: (with what seems his dying breath) God... dammit... It isn't... always... about... you...
Picks up here