Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

What are you, stanuch?

MLK day. A day of peace. A day of positive reflection. WHATEVER!! A day of mafiosos and vampires!! And heavy snark this time around. Wheee!

Previous chapters:
One
Two
Three

And new characters this time: The part of Paulie the weasel is played by Parker Abrams, muscleman Tessio is Doyle, and Leutinent Cappo to the Don, Clemenza, is Giles Ripper. LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBBBLLLLEEE!

~~

THE GODFATHER - JOSSED!
PART FOUR


[CUT TO: Wesley and Fred walking out of a movie, "The Crying Game."]
Fred: Wesley, would you like me better if I was a man in drag?

Wesley: Hmm?

Fred: I asked you if you would like me better if I was a man in drag.

Wesley: I'm sorry?

Fred: (yelling) Do you want me to be a boy in drag?!

Wesley: Pardon?

Fred: Wesley. WESLEY!

Wesley: Fine! I like you BECAUSE you look like a 12 year old boy in drag! Happy?

Fred: No, Wesley. Look. (Pointing) And eww! (Makes a face at Wesley)

(Fred points to a news stand where the headline screams: "DON ANGEL BLASTED WITH WATER BALLOONS - HUMILIATIONS GALORE")

Wesley: I... I need to... call.

(Enters a pay phone, dials the Corleone Estate)

Wesley: Spike - It's Wesley.

Spike: Wesley. Where've you been?

Wesley: Is he alright?

Spike: Our old man's tough. They got him in the street. Water balloons with holy water. Fucking bastards.

Wesley: Genius. You know I've often wondered why people didn't come after you both with Super Soakers filled with holy water. They spray up to forty feet -

Spike: What the hell is wrong with you? This is Pop we're talking about! You... you need to be home with the family. Come home, Wes. You hear?

Wesley: Yeah- yes. Alright. I'll be there shortly.

[CUT TO: Spike's house INTERIOR]
(Spike hangs up phone, hears knocking, grabs a stake)

Spike: Who is it?

Giles: It's Ripper.

Spike: Come in.

Giles: You hear what's on the street? They're saying the Don is already dead.

Spike: (shoving Ripper against the wall) You shut your gob! It was fucking water balloons! He's going to pull through! You hear me?

Giles: Take it easy! I'm just telling you.

Spike: (visibly shaken) Where was Parker? I mean, where the hell was he? Frodo is supposed to take care of the ol' man? But he's a whiney midget!

Giles: He was out sick. He's been calling in sick a few times. Probably fagged out after laying a new bird. I asked Frodo if he wanted me to get him a new bodyguard and he passed out. Berk.

Spike: Listen, do me a favor. Go pick him up and meet me at my father's house. I don't care how "sick" he is. If he starts spouting that "Mr. Sensitivity" shit, just backhand him and drag him up there.

(Giles leaves with a nod. The phone rings.)

Spike: Yeah.

Ethan Sollozzo: Spike Corleone?

Spike: Yeah.

Ethan: We have Gunn. He'll be released in a few hours and I want you to listen to what he has to say. You knew the chocolate was a good deal, didn't you.

Spike: Honestly, I liked the costume idea better, but-

Ethan: Hey. Me, too, but I'm working on the other one. When Gunn is released, you listen to everything he has to say. Don't go losing that famous temper of yours, okay?

Spike: Right. (Hangs up.)

[CUT TO: Abandoned warehouse, Gunn sitting in chair, Sollozzo circling him like a cat.]
Sollozzo: We got your boss, Gunn. Ten balloons. Multi-colored. I think one of them was black with "Lordy, lordy, Guess Who's Forty" on it. It was quick. I know you aren't the muscle end. Except when you are. But I want you to help the Corleone family. I want you to help me.

(Hands Gunn a malt-beverage. Gunn looks up at him with contempt.)

Ethan: Sorry. Took you for a malt-liquor man.

(Snaps his fingers and has a man bring Gunn a strawberry daiquiri with fruit and an umbrella. Gunn eagerly drinks it.)

Ethan: I need you to make peace with me and Spike. He was hot for me, I mean, hot for my deal, wasn't he?

Gunn: Spike'll nail anything that isn't bolted down. Take that back. He'll nail that, too. In fact, you may find yourself bolted down when Spike catches up with you.

Ethan: That'll be his first reaction, sure. But then he'll start to think about me and wonder what I look like spread-eagle. But remember: Darla and the whole Tattaglia family are behind me, and the other families are sure to fall in line. Let's face it Gunn. The Don was slipping. Ten years ago... was his face so bloated?

(Gunn makes as if to lunge at Ethan and is quickly restrained.)

Ethan: Gunn.. Gunn... I'm not denying that he's a handsome man. I wouldn't kick him out of my bed for sipping O. But could I have gotten so close? Talk to Spike. Talk to Ripper. Make them understand.

Gunn: I may be able to convince them, but you'll never convince Xander Brasi. He'll come after you with everything he has. Which, admittedly, is only blind devotion and not as much muscle as you'd think.

Ethan: (smiling mysteriously) Let me worry about Xander.

(Someone enters the room, whispers in Ethan's ear)

Ethan: He's still alive! Son of a... We hit him with the big balloons! I think they even drew crosses on them! This is bad for me. And bad for you if you don't convince Spike!

[CUT TO: Corleone Estate where Wesley has just arrived to be greeted by Ripper]
Ripper: Wesley. Your old man is gonna make it. He's a tough mother.

Spike: What do you think?

Ripper: Let's see... Darla, the whole Tattaglia family, Ethan...

Gunn: It's too much.

Wesley: What? Are these all of the men you have to kill?

Spike: Hey, Wesley: stay out of it, huh? Go read a book or something.

Gunn: Ethan is the key. You knock him out, everyone else will follow. Now, about Xander... Ethan didn't seem so worried.

Ripper: Shit. We lose Xander and there is a whole new set of troubles. He'll start wearing wife-beaters and leather jackets, tilting his head and talking more slowly...

Spike: Anyone able to find him?

Ripper: He may have shacked up.

(They all start laughing)

Ripper: Naw. He might have hit his head or something and is lying unconscious somewhere. I've got my people on it.

Spike: Gunn, you're the big brain here. What do we do it the old man snuffs it?

Gunn: We have no choice. We lose half our strength. We lose our politicians and that hot blonde with the police... If we lose Don Angel, you make the deal, Spike.

Spike: That's easy for you to say! He's not your Sire!

(Knock at the door, Parker Abrams enters)

Parker: You wanted *cough* to see me? *sniffle*

Spike: Yeah. How you doing? Sick?

Parker: Just a little. *coughcough* I'll be fine.

Spike: Really? You go drink some whiskey - sweat it out. Be good for you. Go have a rest.

Parker: (shoulders slump) Yeah. Yeah, maybe I will. (Leaves)

Spike: (to Ripper) You take that son of a bitch out right away, you hear? He sold the old man out, and I'm really pissed that he can get so much tail with as big a pussy as he is.

Ripper: Understood. And yeah, seriously. That guy?

Spike: Wesley. Keep trying Xander's place. See if he's dragged his ass back there.

(Wesley begins to dial on the telephone. Doyle walks in with a package.)

Doyle: Here. This came just a few minutes ago. (Drops it in Spike's lap.)

Spike: What the hell is this?

(The package is Xander's bullet-proof vest wrapped around Xander's head and neck, with obvious bite marks on the neck.)

Ripper: (slumping into a chair) It's some kind of message. I can't decipher what it means. Wait. There's a note.

(Picks up note from the package.)

Ripper: (reads) In case you are completely daft, this means that Xander is dead.

(Wesley hangs up the phone.)

Wesley: So I can stop calling, right?
~~
TBC right here, in fact
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