The Godfather - Jossed! Part 6
Cast of Characters:
Don Vito Corleone/Godfather - Angel
Michael Corleone - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Spike
Fredo Corleone - Elijah Woods
Tom Hagen (The Consigliere) - Charles Gunn
Connie Corleone - Andrew
Kay Adams (Michael's Girl) - Winnifred "Fred" Burkle
Luca Brasi - Xander Harris
Apollonia - Cordelia Chase
Virgil Sollozzo - Ethan Rayne
Don Tattaglia - Darla
Emilio Barzini - Tavers
Johnny Fontaine - Lorne Krevlorneswath
Tessio - Doyle
Pete Clemenza - Ripper Giles
Paulie - Parker Abrams
Carlo (Connie's husband) - Warren
Bonasera, the Undertaker - Jonathon
Captain McCluskey - Principal Snyder
[CUT TO: Interior of Corleone Estate, the men are formulating a plan, Wesley and Ripper enter]
Spike: Wesley! Come'ere. Lemme see that leg.
(Wesley pulls up his trousers to show a purple knot on his shin from Snyder's kick. It is revealed that Wesley wears Sock-Garters.)
Spike: He got you pretty good, huh?
Wesley: (with a stiff upper lip) I am determined to ride out the pain. Besides. The doctors wouldn't give me any more morphine.
Spike: Eh, Gunn. Listen to this. Ethan Sollozzo calls and wants a meeting. After yesterday I should just... (Pantomimes spinning his head off.)
Gunn: What'd he say?
Spike: Badda-beep badda-boop badda-beep badda-boop shabba-shee shabba-shoo ba dum bum titty titty kitty mat pitty pitty fitty gat shabba shabba scoobie doobie boo boo pa doo. He wants to meet Wesley.
Wesley: Did... Did you just... "scat?"
Spike: What? Couldn't go on listening to punk music for the rest of my un-life. Someone suggested acid-jazz and I like it. Anyway, he wants to proposition Wesley -
(Wesley clears his throat and hides his blushing face)
Spike: -but there is no way in hell we're doing business with that ponce.
Gunn: But if we talk to him-
Spike: No! No more meetings. Action. I want action!
Gunn: Spike, this is business. Your father would listen. He glower and make threats, but he'd listen. You are taking this very personally. This is just business. Did I mention that this is just business?
Spike: They came after my Sire!
Gunn: Even that was business. Listen. I found out about this "Snyder" that dented Wesley's shin. Well, he's definitely on Sollozzo's payroll. Plus, he's a principal at a suburban high school. No one has ever just killed one of those guys before. Which is strange because they are traditionally such pricks... But if we went after this guy -. We'd be outcasts, Spike.
Spike: (flexing his facial muscles to show off his killer cheekbones, and framing his crotch with his hands) So we wait. And plot. And talk out loud to ourselves.
Wesley: No. We can't wait. We must act quickly and with instinct! No thinking! There is no time. To wait is to fail.
Gunn: I hear that.
Spike: Let me ask you something, Head Boy. What do we do about this Principal?
Wesley: Sollozzo wants to meet with me? He'll have this... Principal with him. I meet him, and I head butt them into unconsciousness. I've always wanted to say, "give us a kiss" and then head-butt someone. They'll think me an incorrigible hooligan and be too afraid to try anything with the Don again.
(The room breaks up with laughter.)
Spike: Hey, what are you going to do, Head Boy, wrinkle your expensive suit? You'd probably knock yourself out, too. You probably think it's like the movies where you stand back and just lean over. No, you gotta get reeeal close and badda bam bam padoodle oodle sha ba ba doo ba-
Wesley: Please. Do stop.
Spike: Anyway, you get a fat lump on your head and you see stars for a while. Wouldn't want to mess up your pretty-boy face. Not everyone can have a scar over their eye and look as handsome as me. Come here.
(Wraps arm around Wesley's shoulder)
Spike: You are taking this very personal, and this is business. (Begins kissing Wesley's head, neck and face) Gunn? (Kiss, kiss) He is taking this personally.
(Spike begins to run his hands slowly under Wesley's jacket and to rub his crotch against the bulge in Wesley's trousers.)
Spike: (whispers) Are you taking this personally? Huh? (Nibbles on Wesley's earlobe.)
Wesley: Why can't you people accept that British doesn't always mean gay? Please. (disentangles himself from Spike) Where does it say that you can't head butt a business client and his short, balding, squat friend? I've read all the books. All of them! I've never seen such a rule.
Spike: Come on, Wesley...
Wesley: No, I'm talking about a short, squatty, ugly man that is a minor league authority figure that probably has peep holes in the girls', no, make that the boys' locker room. We have people who work for the papers. Wouldn't they like a story like that? Wouldn't that help draw attention away from who butted whom?
Gunn: Yeah. Yeah, that could work.
Wesley: See, Spike? It isn't personal. It's only business. Now come here.
(The other men quickly file out of the room when Spike drops to his knees and begins rubbing his face over Wesley's crotch.)
Wesley: This doesn't mean I'm gay.
Spike: (muffled) Rih. Wahewah you ay.
[CUT TO: Later that day, waiting for the call to name the location]
(Doyle, Ripper and Spike are playing cards. The mewing of kittens is drowned out by the sound of Wesley practicing his "Kar-a-tay")
Wesley: Heee-YAH! Focus, old boy. Focus... Yah!
Ripper: Oy! Forgot that I made you this. (Reaches into a satchel at his side) This is a fake forehead I made to protect your face. It has padding here at the eyebrow and ventilation on the sides. We don't want no sweat giving you away.
Wesley: (takes it and slaps it over his forehead) Marvelous! I did worry about bruising.
Ripper: Now listen. You let them talk. Listen to everything you can, then when you see an opening, stand up. They'll stand up to see what's going on. Go for Sollozzo first. He fights dirty, so be prepared to jam a finger in his eye. Hit Snyder last. He's a cry-baby-type, so he'll sit there and try to hold his water instead of running off. Now once you're done, drop the fake forehead and don't make eye contact. Just get out of there. We'll have a car waiting for you.
(Phone rings, Gunn answers in background.)
Gunn: I got the name of the place. It's the Peach Pit.
Doyle: That's perfect. Bunch of geezers pretending to be teenagers bitching about who's doing who. They'll be too busy trying to resurrect their careers to pay attention to you.
Spike: You going to be okay? (Places hand on Wesley's face) It's going to be a while before you can come back, what with the head-butting and all... I'll square things away with that "girlfriend" of yours while you're gone. You'll do fine.
Wesley: I shall do my best. (Kisses every man full on the lips before going outside and climbing in the car waiting. While everyone wipes their faces, except Spike, they hear a voice trailing off.)
Wesley: That doesn't mean I'm gay... (fades away)
[CUT TO: Interior of the Peach Pit]
Brenda: But Donna, you have the face of a horse.
Brenda: Donkey, whatever. Let's go get tans painted on. And get fake boobs!
Donna: (stomps hoof on ground twice)
Brenda: I know you've had two boob jobs. Can't you think about me for once? Dylan? Get me a fucking Diet Coke.
Dylan: (mutters) One day I'm changing my name to Pike and leaving your bitch ass...
Brenda: What was that?
(Door opens, three men walk in.)
Ethan Sollozzo: (sitting down) Wesley. I'm glad we could meet. Do you mind?
(Snyder indicates that he wants to search Wesley for weapons. Wesley stands straight, chin jutted out.)
Snyder: (after taking too much pleasure in searching) He's clean.
Ethan: Snyder, since Wesley and I are both from the "Mother Country," we're going to speak English. Do you mind?
Snyder: Huh? No, whatever. Go on ahead. (Digs into a double cheeseburger)
Ethan: Now Wesley, this isn't how I had things planned.
Wesley: I must say that I find it odd that someone who worships chaos would have a plan.
Ethan: (chuckling) Well, if you don't write things down, they don't get done. Now, about your father... I hated that it happened, but he wouldn't listen to my plans. My hands were tied. Now, let's work out something together, shall we?
Wesley: What I want is a guarantee that no one is going to trip and fall on my father with a pair of chop-sticks.
Ethan: Fine. I'll do my best.
Wesley: I... I feel the need to stand. (Stands up abruptly)
Wesley: You're a very handsome man. Roughish.
Ethan: (relaxes his stance.) Why thank you. I work hard at it.
Wesley: (coming closer) It shows.
Snyder: (two-handedly shoving the burger in his mouth) I knew it. I knew English meant queer.
Wesley:(running a hand up Ethan's arm) Give us a kiss.
(As Ethan leans in, eyes closed, Wesley jams his forehead into Ethan's nose, breaking it, and eliciting a womanish scream as Ethan crumples to the floor. Snyder drops his burger and begins to wet himself.
Wesley attempts to ram his forehead into Snyder's, but Snyder ducks and throws a fist out. Wesley punches down on Snyder's fist, who circles his arm around and brings his fist down atop Wesley's head. Snyder then tries to poke at Wesley's eyes, but Wesley throws up a hand to his nose, effectively blocking the gouge. Wesley wiggles the other hand and when Snyder is transfixed by it's motion, Wesley slaps Snyder's forehead, knocking him out.)
Wesley: (leaving the restaurant and dropping the fake forehead on the ground) Nyuck nyuck nyuck.
~~~TBC here, pls
Last thing: Happy Birthday, orchid_slayer!