Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Parody Ahoy!

I got a bunch more written for The Godfather - Jossed! Which is now indexed in my memories if you missed a part. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, it's a GANGSTER movie. Meaning: people die. But I promise that if you watch your DVDs after reading this, the people you know and love from Jossverse will still be there.

Last part saw Wesley head-butting Snyder and knocking him out in retalliation for the shin kick and his father's hit. Now the rest of the Corleone clan is taking the heat while Wesley hides out in Sunnydale... New characters introduced.

The Godfather - Jossed! Part Seven
Cast of Characters
Don Vito Corleone/Godfather - Angel
Michael Corleone - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Santino "Sonny" Corleone - Spike
Fredo Corleone - Elijah Woods
Tom Hagen (The Consigliere) - Charles Gunn
Connie Corleone - Andrew
Kay Adams (Michael's Girl) - Winnifred "Fred" Burkle
Luca Brasi - Xander Harris
Apollonia - Cordelia Chase
Virgil Sollozzo - Ethan Rayne
Don Tattaglia - Darla
Emilio Barzini - Tavers
Johnny Fontaine - Lorne Krevlorneswath
Tessio - Doyle
Pete Clemenza - Ripper Giles
Paulie - Parker Abrams
Carlo (Connie's husband) - Warren
Bonasera, the Undertaker - Jonathon
Captain McCluskey - Principal Snyder
Fabrizzio (bad bodyguard of Michael) - Faith
Calo (good bodyguard of Michael) - Buffy


[Shots of newspaper clippings cut with shots of the Corleone men hiding out]
DISSOLVE TO: Clipping: "Principal and Shyster Head-Butted into Comas!"
DISSOLVE TO: Clipping: "False Forehead Found at Scene of Crime: Frankenstein Fiend on the Loose!"
DISSOLVE TO: Doyle and Ripper nodding and laughing to each other.
DISSOLVE TO: Clipping: "Principal in Cahoots with Delinquents! Is nothing sacred?"
DISSOLVE TO: Spike looking out window, stroking self through pants, sucking in cheeks and putting tongue behind teeth and tilting his head. Several birds out the window explode from the hotness of it all.
DISSOLVE TO: Clipping: "Corleone Head to Leave Hospital. At Dusk. But there will be a Police Escort, so this information is useless to those who would do him ill."

[CUT TO: Corleone Estate, the Don's Bedroom]
Gunn: (To Don Angel) We were able to leak some stories about Snyder cheating on test scores for athletes and about unauthorized locker raids. The public has loosened up on us and are focusing on him now. It's given us some breathing room.

Spike: We're sending Frodo out to Las Vegas. A new Middle Earth casino is opening up out there. He's gonna learn the business.

Frodo: I'm going to be very brave. And do two shows on Sunday.

Don Angel: Come ‘ere. Spike. Come close.

(Spike approaches his Sire with love and fear in his eyes. Which are, like, super bluey.)

Angel: I want you to know that I appreciate you taking over family business while I was indisposed. Where's Wesley?

Spike: Ah, he's not here.

Angel: Where is he? Oh, by the way, I'm hot because I'm recovering from being ill. I need someone to open my shirt so my chest can heave in peace.

(Someone approaches the Don, rips open his shirt artfully and mists his bare chest with oil so it gleams in the candle light. Spike swoons and catches himself.)

Spike: We had to send Wesley away.

Angel: Why? Were you worried about someone coming after him? He's a civilian.

Spike: Listen. It was Wesley's idea. He... He's the one that head-butted Snyder and Sollozzo. I'm sorry, Sire. I... He was determined.

(A single tear rolls down Angel's face. In the candlelight with his shirt open, his small, dark nipples exposed, and the heaving of his glorious chest, Spike thinks the tear makes it perfect. Angel waves them away and out of the room.)

[CUT TO: Dinner with the Corleone Family]
Spike: (To Gunn) You know those Gordok demons are running unchecked in the suburbs. Taking babies out of hospitals and everything.

Gunn: Well, we knew that was going to happen once that Christmas song was out. Gave them power.

Andrew: Dad never talked business at the table, or in front of me. I was his delicate little flower.

Warren, Andrew's husband: Shut up, Andrew.

Spike: (lunging across the table) Don't you tell her to shut up. Ever. That's my job. Shut up, Andrew.

(Andrew preens at all the attention, the men go back to eating.)

Dinner: Oh, god, just kill me!

(Spike snaps dinner's neck and drinks hungrily.)

[CUT TO: Sunnydale countryside where Wesley is walking with his two bodyguards, Faith and Buffy]
Buffy: Wesley, we should get inside. You know I'm responsible to An- to your father for your life.

(Faith rolls her eyes)

Faith: B, who's gonna mess with us? You see anyone out here? Relax.

Buffy: It's still dangerous. I heard from Spike back in LA. Your enemies know you're here. I mean, we're one county over, so it's not like you are all super stealthy or anything.

Wesley: Did he say when I could come back?

Buffy: Not yet. It's still not safe. Hence with the you being here and not there?

(They sit down under a tree. Buffy suns herself while Faith and Wesley talk.)

Faith: So, what's a big tough guy like you doing hiding out here with a bunch of hot chicks like B and me?

Wesley: (stunned that he was called "big and tough") I'm a very important man. I have seen and been a part of things larger than you could possibly understand.

Faith: Hiding from some bullies, huh?

Wesley: (chagrined) Yes, I guess you could say that.

(An expensive sports car zooms down the road towards them, the top down, a beautiful girl at the helm. The car screeches to a stop.)

Cordelia: Get a load of 007. Who are you?

Wesley: Well, hello. Wesley Wyndam-Corleone at your disposal.

Cordelia: Oh, I just love my men with three names. Cordelia Chase. Look it up. Call me.

(She flashes a brilliant smile and speeds off.)

Wesley: (to the girls) What an extraordinary young woman. Do either of you know her?

Buffy and Faith: Bitch.

Wesley: (hasn't heard them) Yes. I believe we should be heading back. I believe I have a phone call to make.

[CUT TO: Chase Mansion, Wesley is knocking at the door.]
(A butler answers, ushers him in to a sitting room. Mr. Chase enters)

Wesley: Mr. Chase. (They shake hands) Do you know who I am?

Mr. Chase: Some gay Brit who is wasting my time?

Wesley: How many times do I have to tell you colonials that British doesn't mean gay? I'm a very important man. I'm Wesley Wyndam-Corleone. There are people who would pay a lot of money for that information. But then your daughter would lose a father... instead of gaining a boyfriend. I wish to court your daughter among supervision, of course.

Mr. Chase: You want to take her off my hands, do you? Fine, fine. Pick her and her friends up tonight. They'll be all the supervision you need.

(Sounds of "squee" from upstairs and a phone being dialed. Muffled female voices filter down.)

Wesley: Very good. I shall be back here at 7:00 PM. Good day.

(Wesley is shown out where Buffy and Faith are waiting.)

Faith: So you gonna tap that ass or what? Can we get out of here now? All this polite society shit is making me itch.

(Buffy rolls her eyes and wishes to be a normal girl, just hanging with her friends. She is SOO self absorbed.)

[CUT TO: Spike getting in a car with Ripper and Doyle]
Spike: Hey, we gotta go by Andrew's place. I need to pick her up and take her to the Star Trek con.

(Spike walks inside the apartment, where Andrew won't meet his eyes.)

Spike: What's wrong with you?

(Andrew is holding something in his hands and trying to hide it.)

Spike: Give me that. (Grabs it.)

(It's a signed photo of the original Star Trek cast. Someone has drawn a dick and balls on Sulu's face, and a hairy dick coming out of Uhuru's skirt. Spock's eyes have been poked out and Kirk has a devil beard drawn on him. Gene Roddenberry's autograph has been drawn over with a sparkly pink marker. It is now worthless.)

Spike: (biting on his knuckles) I'll kill the son of a bitch! Bastard! This is worth a thousand dollars at least! Where is he? I'll kill him!

Andrew: (sobbing) Spike, no! He didn't mean to do it! I... I got him mad! I said there were only 72 episodes and he got mad. He thinks of the pilot as two episodes since they aired separately! It's my fault, Spike! Please!

Spike: Fine. I won't kill him. But I'm going to talk to him. Where is he?

[CUT TO: Outside the Star Trek Convention. Warren is talking to some younger kids about how Spock and Doc are the two sides of Kirk himself.]
Warren: So you have reason and emotion, two warring sides of Kirk. That's why Kirk is the better captain. Picard couldn't lead his way out of a paper bag.

(He sees Spike heading towards him, Warren wets his pants and starts running.)

Spike: Come here! (Grabs Warren) You think you can hurt my sister like that? Huh? (Holds Warren down, motions for Doyle and Ripper to hold him still) Gene Roddenberry NEVER signed autographs! And now he's dead. You aren't going to walk away from this.

(Spike rips up Warren's shirt, reels in horror at the pelt of man-fur covering the chest and belly before him)

Spike: Good thing I brought these. (Puts on rubber gloves) You're gonna pay for what you did to my sister.

(Spike slaps Warren's belly over and over until it's red. He pushes up and kicks Warren in the side.)

Spike: Don't lay a hand on my sister's collectibles again, you hear me?

(Warren nods and cries. Spike and his gang leave. A few nerds that stuck around to watch the show laugh and push their glasses up on their noses. Warren cries more and holds his owie belly.)

[CUT TO: Wesley and Cordelia in the front seat of her convertible, the backseat is filled with her giggling friends: Harmony and Asian Friend]

[CUT TO: Corleone Estate, Exterior, Gunn walks out to talk to Fred, who has just pulled up]
Fred: Gunn, right? Um, I want to talk to Wesley. Is he here?

Gunn: Hey, now, whatchu wanting to talk to English for when I'm right here?

Fred: (nervously giggling) Well, I wouldn't mind talking to you... (shakes her head) I mean, I... I've called, and I've written letters, but he hasn't written back. I need to talk to Wesley. Is he here?

Gunn: I can't answer that. But I can say that you are looking especially lovely today.

Fred: (blushing) Thanks. No! I want to talk to Wesley. Please?

Gunn: He isn't here. I don't know where he is. Why don't you and I get together for some big greasy ass burgers and shakes and talk about something else? You look like you could use some fattening up. Brother's gotta have something to hold on to.

Fred: (laughing) No... No, I better not. Um, just tell Wesley I came by, would you?

Gunn: Alright then, but just know you are missing out right here. (Points to himself).

(Fred leaves, sad, but thinking about a handsome black lawyer. Did you know Gunn is black? Does that mean we should indicate that everyone else is Caucasian? They are. Unless indicated otherwise.

[CUT TO: Andrew and Warren's apartment]
(Phone rings, Andrew picks up)

Voice: Is the Dungeon Master there?

Andrew: Huh? Uh, who's this?

Voice: Just let him know that we are meeting at Trevor's house and he's playing a wicked Ranger with a Vorpol sword, level 6.

(Andrew hangs up. She walks to the glass case that holds all of Warren's collectibles. She begins to pick up things at random and smash them. Warren hears the noise and comes in.)

Warren: What the hell are you doing? That's... That's my mint Boba Fett!

(Andrew picks up more things and smashes them)

Andrew: You jerk! I always am Dungeon Master! (Smashes a pewter statue of a wizard with a purple crystal sword. She grabs a large cardboard cut out.) I hate you!

Warren: You little bitch! That's my signed cut-out of Hayden Christiansen from Episode 2! Goddamit! (He begins pinching and slapping Andrew who cries and recoils from the fingers.)

Warren: Don't you hide from me! (He licks his finger and jams it into Andrew's ear, who squeals in horror)

[CUT TO: Spike's house, phone rings, he answers]
Spike: What is it?

Andrew's Voice: (sobbing)

Spike: Andrew? What the hell did the wanker do?

Andrew's Voice: (sobbing)

Spike: That's IT! The Big Bad is gonna take care of it! (Hangs up)

(Spike runs out and gets in his car with the blacked out windows, too fast for any minions to follow, and without any regard for the sunlight. He drives like a bat out of hell until he gets to a tollbooth. He pays no attention to the homeless guy who begins to wash his window while he waits to pay.

Homeless Man: Wash your window for fitty cents?

Spike: (Impatient) Whatever just hurry!!

(Homeless man sprays the windshield with cleaner and quickly squeegees it off, leaving it clear and spotless. Spike realizes his mistake too late.)

Spike: FUUUUUUUUUC-! (Combusts)

(Darla, wrapped in heavy cloth pays the homeless man with a hundred dollar bill)

Darla: Now go get you some good drugs, or whatever.

Homeless Man: Bitch, I need to eat. We ain't all drug addicts.

Darla: (Vamping out) Good. I hate how they taste. (Bites his neck, takes the bill back as he falls to the street.)

[CUT TO: Restaurant where Wesley is trying to get intimate with Cordelia but Harmony keeps interrupting]
Harmony: Oh my god, say "I beg your pardon!"

Wesley: I beg your pardon?

Harmony: Oh my god that is so sexy! Say... I don't know, say something British!

Cordelia: Harmony! Shut up. Go fix your lipstick. NOW.

[CUT TO: Corleone Estate. Gunn is drinking and looking very upset. Don Angel enters]
Don Angel: Gunn. My friend. I hear things. Vampire, you know. Is there something you should tell me?

Gunn: It's... Spike. Darla got him earlier today. He... His window got washed and the sunlight got him. He didn't have a chance.

Angel: That's it. (Broods) I want to meet with her. (Furrows brow) This war stops now. Call Jonathon. We will need a favor from him.

Gunn: (picks up phone and dials) Jonathon. Your Don needs that favor he mentioned several chapters ago.

Jonathon's Voice: Whatever I can do for my Don. Um, it isn't going to hurt or anything?

Gunn: No. But we need your powers and talents. A package is coming to you. It's his son's ashes. I need you to make something presentable for a memorial service.

Jonathon's Voice: I understand. I'll... I'll mix it with some glue and fibers. I have some chicken wire. We'll make a beautiful paper-mache version of him so everyone can pay their respects.

Gunn: That... That sounds beautiful. Your Don will be very happy with you.

Don Angel: (from another room) Remind him he had blue eyes! The color of the sea after a storm... The color of faded denim... They were as blue as the sky after a heavy rain... And he was hung... (Sobs into his hands)

Gunn: Oh, one last thing. Blue eyes, big dick.

Jonathon: That about sums it up. Wait! I have some small hunting knives I'll use for cheekbones.

Gunn: (sobs) Yeah... Yeah. Thanks.

[CUT TO: Expensive department store, just Wesley, Cordelia and Faith]
(Cordelia is trying on pricey coats)

Wesley: You are going to need something warm. Preferably leather. Sometimes the temperatures dip down into the upper sixties in LA. I can't have you shivering until we get inside.

Cordelia: You are going to spoil me! I love that in a man.

Faith: Hey, why don't you go try something in a dead animal. That should keep you nice and toasty. Boss? Go show her the fur room.

(Faith begins to walk very quickly out of the mirrored room.)

Wesley: Faith? Where are you going?

(Wesley's cell phone rings. It's Buffy.)

Buffy's Voice:(she sounds drunk and distraught) Wesley? It's Spike. They... (sobs) they got him yesterday.

(Faith begins to run out of the store while Cordelia tries on a floor length fur coat.)

Wesley: (putting 2 and 2 together) Cordelia! NOOOO!!!

(A group of PETA activists run into the dressing room and dump a gallon of red paint all over Cordelia, who now looking more like Carrie at the prom and not the glam-queen that she is.)

PETA activist: FUR IS MURDER!!!

(Wesley crumples to the ground, hangs up his cell. It's over.)

Wesley: (mutters in his agony) It... it was fake fur... (He leaves.)

Cordelia: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?? Wesley? Wesley!! (Cries) Daddy!!!
TBC... bam! Here.
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