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How to bake a Black Forest cake*

*not an actual recipe



  • gather all ingredients to be carefully measured and sifted, etc.

  • realize you don't have Kirschwasser

  • realize that it means you don't have an authentic Black Forest Cake

  • shrug and improvise, because who is going to complain about a homemade cake?

  • preheat oven

  • spray pans

  • wonder what that smoke bellowing out from the oven is

  • open the oven and see that your rotten punk children have spilled some type of grease (GREASE) inside the oven and it's close to ignition

  • shut the oven off, leave the door open, crack a window

  • run outside and grab indoor cat that has found a way to wiggle through the narrow opening to get that damn Mockingbird that taunts him daily

  • realize you're locked out

  • go to the side gate to find that your husband put the padlock on it (on the other side) to keep rotten punk neighbor children from getting in our pool

  • jam the cat back through the opening and tell it to suck it up, it started this - because I can't open it more, because the other indoor cat is trying to get out to get that damn Mockingbird that taunts her daily, too

  • try and close the window an inch to keep all of this from being repeated

  • climb the fence in your ratty yoga pants and hope people aren't outside

  • wave and blush when of course, people are outside

  • race to the front door and let yourself in

  • make a face at the smoke, which is still pouring out of the oven

  • wait for the oven to cool down so you can clean it and then make the fucking cake

  • tell yourself to stop begrudging husband for having a birthday, this wasn't his fault. I think.

  • consider buying a store bought cake

  • remember how disgusting they are in comparison

  • SIGH HEAVILY

  • clean oven

  • preheat oven to 350 and start again, minus the cat, smoke, etc.




Meanwhile, I have to get a child to the DMV, get birthday card/gift hidden so that when the Mr. gets home from his trip tonight he doesn't see it without me there, email the film festival coordinators again to find out how I'm supposed to be involved (I'm acting as a chauffeur for the directors/producers tonight for the Oak Cliff Film Festival because I'm an awesome friend and sister in law who loves her BiL very much) and stress about not knowing a schedule, directions, etc. because I worry about being late and letting people down. Add in laundry (and thank GOD that was chocolate on that one child's sheets, holy crow, I about ran from the house screaming), bathroom scrubbing, keeping kids off the XBox for the entire day's activity and all of the yard work piling up and you have my life today.

Gah. I'm ready to run away to a deserted island today, I believe. I even know how to make my own rum from fruit. It would be perfect: me drunk on a beach with no one around. BLISS.

Comments

stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 06:43 pm (UTC)
IT SMELLED SO AWFUL. I have no idea what kind of grease it was, but wow, is my oven sparkling right now! Thank you, Barkeeper's Friend.

AHAHAHA - yes, I'm glad for that, too. :D

<3
tabaqui
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:47 pm (UTC)
<3's Barkeeper's Friend.
It also removes bright pink hair dye from....every bathroom surface.
:)
stoney321
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:57 pm (UTC)
and red marker from marble. I LOVE IT.

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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