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Letter to someone unlikely to respond

Dear common brown grasshopper that I am calling Bill...

Bill. Do you mind if I call you that? I know you aren't able to answer, so we'll say yes, it's fine.


How's death? Wait, let me back up in the narrative. I've seen you and your type hanging around my garden for a few days, now. (Is that species-ist of me? The "your type?") And I thought, you know? I have quite the bounty in my garden, I do. I like it that way. Little extra for the rabbits to nibble on and life's a bowl of cherries. I even have a plant that I despise because tomato hornworms LOVE it and they turn into Sphinx moths, and they're gorgeous. So, hey. Share and share alike, right?

And then comes along you bunch of assholes. In the span of two and one-half days you have almost completely defoliated my antique climbing rose. You bastards. Fortunately it's a spring and fall bloomer, so it has some time to heal. And as I was crouched down under the 20 foot long canes, cutting it back harshly, there you were, smirking at me with your beady little eyes.

And what did I do? I backed up. Slowly. Giving you space to move away, but no, you startled scuttling along a cane towards my face and I saw it before it came, I just knew you were going to jump onto my face and eat my sweet, sweet eye juices. ASSHOLE. And what did YOU get for your troubles?

I NINJA'D YOUR ASS WITH MY SHEARS LIKE KWAI CHANG CAINE THAT IS WHAT I DID! I full on grasshopper'd your ass and now you are dead, cut in two, an object lesson for your brethren. I stepped aside to let an ant lumber its way towards you, hoping it would do some circle of life shit to your corpse.

I hate everything you choose to be, you gluttonous capitalist pig.

Love and kisses,

PS - I now will roam the earth in search of justice from your kind. *pan flute, looks off in the distance*

I am seriously proud of myself here, not gonna pretend otherwise. THAT WAS SOME BRUCE LEE BID-NESS I DID. I need a macro of the kid in karate clothes that says, "Snatch a pebble, they said. I snatched their lives."


Jun. 27th, 2012 01:45 am (UTC)
he is currently lying in two on the ground, but I think a pike is exactly what is missing in my garden. GENIUS!


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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