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Dear dude in the black truck with blacked out windows driving past my house - very slowly, mind - four times as I worked in the garden:

WTF, dude? Hey, I'm a lady and have lady parts that dudes in vehicles like yours fancy. And dudes in vehicles like yours don't often ask permission to get their mitts on lady parts. SO EXCUSE MY GLARING AT YOU, but my first instinct isn't that you're checking out my lovely flowers, but that you're wanting to chloroform me and pluck my lady flower, if you catch my meaning.

AND WHEN I MOUTH "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" AT YOU, FLIPPING ME OFF IS NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER. But me approaching your vehicle on the fourth pass with my pitchfork in hand WAS the right answer.

Which is probably why you didn't drive by a fifth time.

And I called the local police station with your license plate number, because seriously, dude: WTF?

Signed, ME, the chick with the pitchfork who isn't afraid to use it.


( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 17th, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. I totally giggled at the image of you with a pitchfork.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:03 pm (UTC)
you wouldn't if you saw me. ;)
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:04 pm (UTC)
Ha! This is probably true.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:10 pm (UTC)

That is all.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:13 pm (UTC)
WTF. That is just some shady shit, right? FOUR TIMES? 5 MPH? Aw, HALE no.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:23 pm (UTC)
WTF man? That shit is not okay, not at all. Creepy mofo!
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:32 pm (UTC)
SERIOUSLY, RIGHT? Who the fuck does that?
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:42 pm (UTC)
Creepy mothereffers who want to get hurt. that's who. I mean seriously I would have been reaching for a weapon. I hate that type of shit, like slowing down to your pace when you are walking. I think some people just like scaring women.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:45 pm (UTC)
I can promise you that my pitchfork makes a hell of a weapon. Ha!

That sort of behavior is just not on.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:49 pm (UTC)
Oh I bet it does. He's lucky you didn't give him the business. Also he flipped you off, just NO. This post reminds me though that I need to see when that Tactical Urban Self Defense MMA class is starting again.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:24 pm (UTC)
excuse me, you live in TEXAS, where are your GUNS.

pitchfork my ass.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:32 pm (UTC)

It was too hot for my bandeliro leathers, woe.
Jul. 17th, 2012 11:33 pm (UTC)
Dammit, I should have responded by pointing at my arms.
Jul. 18th, 2012 12:05 am (UTC)

I could not possibly love you more.
Jul. 18th, 2012 01:31 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA. I like your criteria for love, Miss Lynne, I truly do. :D
Jul. 18th, 2012 12:14 am (UTC)
It's probably the CIA investigating your Bermuda assassination skills.
Jul. 18th, 2012 01:31 am (UTC)
That would explain the tap on my phone and the bug in my gardening gloves...
Jul. 18th, 2012 12:34 am (UTC)
What ever his intentions HE IS A GIANT BASTARD and I'm glad that you called the police and I hope they burst into his house and tazer his testicles until they explode into a burning wet mess of hair and skin flaps.

Install a cannon on your front lawn and if someone drives past for whatever reason shoot them preemptively.

As a Doctor (half a masters, whatevs) I'm prescribing 200 cc of wine as a medicinal relaxant nerve tonic.
Jul. 18th, 2012 01:33 am (UTC)
I would a video of that tazering every Christmas.
Oooh,I like the idea of a cannon. Just random booms - that should fix the next door neighbor that revs his engine for 10 minutes every weekend...

I HAVE THAT MUCH WINE RIGHT NOW, but I think I need it in a drip...
Jul. 18th, 2012 01:07 am (UTC)

I hate it when things like that happen. To anyone. Anywhere. Ever.


Very happy you own a large pitchfork and called the cops.
Jul. 18th, 2012 01:34 am (UTC)
I hate it, too. I mean, I would have VERY EASILY punctured his tires (read: lungs) if he'd come close to me, but still.

And if he wasn't interested in chloroforming me (ha), then did he think I would be flattered? WHO ARE THESE CRAZY WOMEN GIVING THESE MEN THAT IDEA? That's a real head scratcher.
Jul. 18th, 2012 02:07 am (UTC)
Jebus. As I was reading this I was hearing Robert Stack in my head, narrating your Unsolved Mysteries episode. /old skool

Good on you for calling the police. I hope they run his plates, realize he has priors for assault a mile long, stop him, arrest him and clear up two or three disappearances, all in one fell swoop. Congrats, Stoney!
Jul. 18th, 2012 05:58 am (UTC)
WOW, creepy. Seriously, I would be uber freaked-out. Glad you got his license and everything. (Also, that is total badass going at him with a pitchfork!)
Jul. 18th, 2012 11:25 am (UTC)
Holy shit, Stoney - that's scary as hell. Glad you got his license number; odds are he's got outstanding warrants for his creepy-ass behavior.
Jul. 18th, 2012 12:02 pm (UTC)
good on you! i'm glad there are women with pitchforks who aren't afraid to use them, LIKE YOU, to dissuade men of that behaviour! keep being badass, stoney.
Jul. 18th, 2012 01:04 pm (UTC)
That we live in a world where this guy ever thought he could do it, not just the first time, but ALL the others, pisses me the hell off - more than anything.

NO WOMAN gave that arse the idea that this was ok.

In his mind, however? Bitches probably are askin' for that shit every day, as he is god's gift and they are lucky to be in his sights, the stupid whores.

Motion activated camera linked to your puter. That he didn't immediately realize the error in his ways when confronted verbally, makes me wonder if even a visit from the popo will straighten him out.

I would very much like to club that man in the knees & at least limit his mobility. And yeah, I do have a strong reaction to that stuff.
(Deleted comment)
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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