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Snerk.

I've been in a weird headspace lately which usually leads to me scrolling through Bad Places for fanfic to escape in. But those who have been around from the Early Days of this LJ will know that when I say BAD, I mean dreadful in the most delightful way. It's one of my happy places. Like watching Troll 2 or The Room. (Oh, hai Mairk.)

Let's have fun with a poll about fanfiction under the cut, shall we?*

*I do not in any way shape or form consider myself an expert (haha, you'll see why under the cut) writer or the gate keeper to what is right. This is my journal, and I'm having a go. Trust me, I'm harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And boy, do they try to be hard on me. That's what she said. That made no sense, I realize that now.



Poll #1858587 How do u fic?

Actions that reasonably require the word "expertly" as a modifier:

nuclear physics
45(23.8%)
performing brain surgery
58(30.7%)
opening a car door for someone
5(2.6%)
opening a bag of chips
20(10.6%)
managing a cash register
18(9.5%)
peeling an apple
26(13.8%)
breathing
17(9.0%)

I [blank] when a story claims to be NC-17 and the kinkiest thing is clothed frottage.

fly into a rage
15(11.7%)
wonder why the author doesn't know that's only second base.
49(38.3%)
expertly open a bag of chips to soothe my soul (expertly)
36(28.1%)
want to show the bad touch doll to the author - those have holes in them, right?
15(11.7%)
sigh in relief because sex in fanfiction is gross and wrong and HAHAHAHA, sorry, couldn't keep that up.
13(10.2%)

My favorite euphemism (by which I mean the most hilarious) for a vagina in fanfiction is:

kitty
16(10.9%)
pubis
8(5.4%)
lady mound
26(17.7%)
lady bucket
32(21.8%)
weeping hole
33(22.4%)
snatch
7(4.8%)
vag
7(4.8%)
um, gross - lady parts should never be in fanfiction.
4(2.7%)
i prefer anatomical drawings inserted instead of the actual word
14(9.5%)

My favorite euphemism (by which I mean the most hilarious) for a penis in fanfiction is:

cock
3(1.5%)
dick
3(1.5%)
manstick
25(12.6%)
thundersquirt
39(19.7%)
hot rod
17(8.6%)
hot dog
13(6.6%)
hot dogrod
21(10.6%)
purple-helmeted mantool
62(31.3%)
pee pee
14(7.1%)
gross - male genitalia should not be in fanfiction because that is wrong
1(0.5%)

How will I know the characters have climaxed if they don't:

say "Unf" multiple times?
23(9.3%)
babble incoherently?
22(8.9%)
spurt in ropey strands?
42(17.0%)
spray in a rooster tail leaving contrails of pleasure in its wake?
40(16.2%)
scream?
22(8.9%)
shriek?
19(7.7%)
keen?
24(9.7%)
say loudly "I am coming oh god I am coming here it is, my arrival! I AM DOING IT RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS COMING!"?
55(22.3%)

When I read that someone either shrieks, screams or keens when having intercourse I:

immediately begin dialing 911 because something is frightfully wrong.
11(8.1%)
cringe, then begin dialing 911.
11(8.1%)
wonder if the author even knows what those words mean.
33(24.3%)
wonder if the author has had sex.
47(34.6%)
wonder if the author will show me on the bad touch doll what happened to them to make them think that keening or shrieking is to be tolerated with a bedmate?
34(25.0%)

When I read the [younger/older] boy/girl, or [dark haired/light haired] person or [the countertenor] as a descriptor I:

immediately know who they were talking about, whew. I hate reading names.
7(6.9%)
have to stop and remember who's got what hair/attribute.
29(28.4%)
wonder why the author hates their characters' names?
66(64.7%)

Glee fandom only:

Blaine Anderson is the tiniest thing that ever tinied. He often gets lost in shag carpeting.
24(20.7%)
Burt is allergic to the G in "ing" and has a collection of shotguns.
17(14.7%)
Finn is evil.
8(6.9%)
Rachel is evil.
10(8.6%)
Kurt is evil.
3(2.6%)
Kurt has pear-shaped hips simply because Sue made an insult in S2.
18(15.5%)
Kurt and Blaine cry an awful lot. Like, to the point where dehydration is an issue.
36(31.0%)

Stoney, you are:

awful.
14(19.7%)
hateful.
5(7.0%)
really mean.
11(15.5%)
another insult that I will save for comments, missy.
19(26.8%)
ruining my fandom experience one post at a time.
22(31.0%)




COME ON, THAT'S FUNNY. (There's a very good reason why my journal name used to be Broken Inside.)

ION, I am baking an apple pie for Miss Emily, who turns ELEVEN tomorrow [oh my god, how?!?]. She requested a birthday pie instead of cake, because she's fun like that. (I made homemade vanilla bean ice cream earlier today so that it could firm up in the freezer overnight.)

[ETA] LJ is lying to those of you with b-day notifications. My birthday is not today, but the 8th.

Comments

stoney321
Aug. 6th, 2012 10:04 pm (UTC)
It is not my birthday, so do not fret! Also, I'm totally the girl that believes it's the thought that counts. :)

<3 Enjoy your holiday!
elisi
Aug. 7th, 2012 07:08 am (UTC)
Where'd I get birthday from? *is puzzled* (This is what happens when you skim your flist too quickly...)

ANYWAY! I remembered what it was I was going to link you to! And it is hugely appropriate to this post. \o/ I give you:

50 Shades of Chav

Only 5 (very short) chapters, but it contains such gems as this, which is now my favourite line ever:

I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange.

Tags

Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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