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But I should mention that "it" is not real. It only lives in my paranoid thoughts.

So, for the past, oh, two weeks I've been sneezing. I don't really do that, normally. I'm pretty healthy - hearty and hale, that's me! And when I say sneezing, I mean my kids counted me sneezing 12 times in a row, I caught my breath, and then I went off again another 12 times. Lather, rinse, repeat. Nothing I do helps, no nasal spray, neti pots, shoving crayons up there, nada. (And I have nothing new in my house to be an allergen; it must be something outside, IDK and MOVING ON.)

This morning I read on GAWKER that some poor woman went to the doctor for an itchy ear and there was a spider living in her ear canal oh dear god flame the side of her face and save her soul. Pretty much my worst nightmare. Well, my worst nightmare is a grasshopper handing on my face and stabbing my eyeball with its disgusting pointed foot.

AND NOW ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT I HAVE SINUS GNATS. Like, you know when you walk through a cloud of midges and snort sharply through your nostrils to make sure they don't fly up there? WHAT IF I DIDN'T DO THAT ENOUGH AND NOW THEY ARE LIVING IN MY FACE.

If this is true, I will allow the doctors to submerge my body into a lake of lava face first, because I am not coming back from that emotionally sound, you feel me?

Comments

dareu2beme
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:10 pm (UTC)
BUG BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS.... i fucking hate them... they are scary as fuck! I hate viruses and cold bugs and REAL bugs... all the things. I hate them.


My husband found this spider thing in the van after we unpacked from our camping trip but it looked more like a tiny crab... I just imagined that we all had a bunch of them living in our BRAINS or something after sleeping in the tent with that thing all weekend.

ANYWAY, I hope you feel better soon and that there are no parasitic creatures in your body.
stoney321
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:11 pm (UTC)
ALL SPIDERS WANT TO BURROW THROUGH YOUR EYE MEAT AND PUT EGG SACKS IN YOUR BRAIN. It's scientific fact. *rainbow:the more you know*

Anyone that tries to tell me I should love spiders is getting my finger in their nose. Wait, but then a nose leech will bite me I CANNOT ESCAPE THEM!!!

D:
dareu2beme
Aug. 9th, 2012 10:37 pm (UTC)
Human bodies make such fantastic places for little critters to burrow... mmmm warm and dark and damp and bleedy

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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