Previous chapters are listed here.
The Godfather - Jossed! Chapter 9
[CUT TO: Wesley and Fred driving in a car to Corleone Estate]
Wesley: I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have secret dealings of an auspicious nature that I can't divulge to you.
Fred: So, you're going to be late because you have to work?
Fred: Oh. Wesley, your sister Andrew wants to ask you something.
Wesley: Then let her ask me.
Fred: Well, she's afraid to. It's... Well, it's something that a lot of people find distasteful. She and Warren want to have a baby, but you know what people think about Mpreg... And the baby would most likely turn out to be a hairy ball of tears.
Wesley: Mmm. Yes, that is rather disgusting. However. If there was a way for me to disguise my plans I hinted at earlier with this hideous monstrosity of a plot device... Let me think on it.
[CUT TO: Corleone Garden, Don Angel is looking older and more bloated. His chest is still ripped. But, you know... He is talking with Wesley.]
Don Angel: So. Drusilla Barzini will move against you first. She'll send someone you completely trust to set up the meeting. It is at that meeting where you'll be assassinated. She'll kill you because you're mine. I have a question for you. Are you happy with Fred?
Wesley: Hmmm? Oh, Fred. Well, it was bliss to have her, obviously. I'm having difficulties keeping her on her pedestal. And no woman of mine is going to work, but-
Angel: I'm not interested. I ask, uh, for politeness' sake.
Wesley: What's the matter, Father?
Angel: I knew that Spike was going to have to go through all of this. And Frodo - well, I never expected anything but wine, women and song from him, and I seriously question the women, if you catch my meaning. But you. (Shakes head) I never wanted this for you. I wanted you to pull the strings as a Rogue Demon Hunter or something. Fighting the good fight. But far away from me and my cronies. I still have a business to run, you understand. I don't apologize for my life. Which is why I brood - internal rage, self hatred and all.
(Kisses Wesley on the cheek. Wesley looks as if a light was turned on inside him.)
Angel: Don't forget. Whoever sets up this Drusilla meeting, there's your traitor.
[CUT TO: Don Angel playing with Wesley's toddler, Connor. Don't ask. Just think plot contrivance, mm'kay?]
Don Angel: Come here. (Cuts a piece of skin off of "lunch" and sticks it over his teeth, turns and chases Connor while making monster sounds.)
Don Angel: Aw, you don't like that? (Laughs and picks up the little boy)
Connor: Die! (Connor stabs Don Angel in the heart with a pencil, using surprising strength)
(Don Angel looks shocked, then turns to dust. Connor looks around, picks up his toy truck, and toddles off into the house.)
[CUT TO: Cemetary, the Corleone Family is gathered with guests and business associates to sprinkle Don Angel's ashes.]
(We see Lorne and Ripper kiss the urn where the Don's ashes are. Drusilla Barzini approaches the urn, reaches out with a hand that trembles, and then she sings to herself "Danny Boy." She grins at Wesley. Doyle approaches Drusilla, whispers in her ear, then comes to talk with Wesley.)
Doyle: (whispers) Wesley, can I have a minute?
Wesley: NOW? It's my father's memorial service! Oh, all right. What... What's that on your chest?
(Doyle has a sticker on his suit that reads "I'm a Turncoat! Ask me how!" He slaps a hand over it and hastily rips it off, shoving it into his coat pocket.)
Doyle: Nothing. Name tag is all. Drusilla wants to have a meeting. We can straighten out all of our problems, then be done in time to have a pint.
Wesley: Oh, honestly. Aren't you tired of perpetrating the "drunken Irishman" stereotype?
Doyle: I'd answer that, but I'm three sheets to the wind right now and there's two of you talking.
Wesley: Fine. I'll agree to the meeting.
(Wesley sits back down next to Gunn.)
Gunn: You know how they are going to come at you?
Wesley: They are arranging a meeting at some Irish pub. Where I'll be "safe."
Gunn: I always thought that it'd be Ripper.
Wesley: No, I'm a fellow countryman. But the Irish... Well, they've had it in for us for centuries. I'm sure he has some type of talisman protecting him. We need to ascertain what it is before the meeting.
Gunn: I'm on it.
Wesley: I've decided to allow Warren and Andrew to have a baby.
Gunn: The hell?
Wesley: I know, I know. I can't believe anyone would want the product of their, ahem, love, but... It will be so off-putting that no one will notice when I make my move against the heads of the other families.
****The Mpreg Sequence****
[IRIS OPEN TO ORNATE BEDROOM: Andrew is dressed in an embroidered floor length nightgown with a convenient opening in the "back door" region. Warren is covered head to toe with latex, his penis released and hanging from an opening. A mystical incantation is written across his chest over an air-brushed image of Yoda: "May the dick be in you."]
(Wesley, Gunn, and Fred are nervously shifting from foot to foot, attempting to look anywhere but at the bed. Andrew reaches over and hits "Play" on a boom box. The dulcet voice of Celine Dion begins to play.)
Andrew: (whispers) I'll never let go.
Warren: (excited that he has an audience, slaps hands together and rubs them) Let's DO this! On your hands and knees, gay-rod.
Andrew: I'm not gay, but my asshole is.
(Sounds of a voice made by the angels: "Near... Far..." SOUND in each frame)
[CUT TO: Don Gavin Corleone walking through a hotel lobby, a dark figure shadowing him]
[CUT TO: Willy the Snitch loading a cross bow]
[CUT TO: Samwise Gamgee gesturing for a shop keeper to allow him to try on a pinky ring]
[CUT TO: Ripper filling a panty-hose leg with oranges]
[CUT TO: Kate the Cop drinking and holding a picture of Don Angel. An obit with a lip-stick kiss sits on the table next to the empty bottle of booze]
[CUT TO: BEDROOM]
Warren: Wesley, you cool with this?
Wesley: Well, I have to admit I'm intrigued with how this is even possible... But I would not choose the word "cool." Just get on with this, alright?
Warren: Yeah. YEAH! Grease up, bitch!
Andrew: (lip quivering) Aren't you going to romance me? I... I've never done this before. And, where would the baby come from? How is this possible? I... No... Let's just not.
Warren: Andrew. Baby. I've told you. Just relax and let Daddy take care of you. Did you lube up?
Andrew: (looks over her shoulder at her husband) Um, do we need it?
(Everyone in the room laughs)
Warren: Not only do we need it, we need to describe it in detail. Since a chick is writing this, we can use anything without having to worry about infection, pain, itching, etc. I mean, it's just an asshole right? I mean, it's a special asshole, don't get me wrong...
(A squirt bottle of toothpaste is on the dresser. EXXXtreme Mint.)
Warren: This okay, baby?
Andrew: (with a small smile) That'll do, pig.
[CUT TO: Gavin chatting with the Hotel Manager, dark shadowed person moving closer]
[CUT TO: Willy the Snitch loading the cross bow into his duffel bag and walking out of his room]
[CUT TO: Sam looking over his shoulder, suspecting movement, sees nothing, continues trying on rings.]
[CUT TO: Ripper slinging the bumpy panty-hose leg over his shoulder and having a smoke as he walks out and down the street]
[CUT TO: Kate the Cop mumbling to herself, then loading up a novelty squirt gun with holy water and putting several stakes and a Tazer in her holster]
[CUT TO: BEDROOM. Warren and Andrew are in the throes of passion. Gunn, Wesley and Fred are holding their ears shut and squeezing their eyes closed.]
Gunn: (whispers to Wesley) Man, I don't know WHY we have to be here. This shit is nasty. How can you sit in here and watch that monkey bang your sister?
Wesley: (whispers) It's important. First of all, there is a small faction that loves Mpreg. I don't know why, but that isn't the point. In order for me to carry out my dark and prophetic plans, I must endure this. Also, it seems that a crowd must be present for men to become pregnant.
Fred: (whispers) So why do I have to be here?
Wesley: (whispers) Because you are my wife and you are supposed to support me. And if you hear just enough of my dark plans, you may become suspicious, which will lead me to reassuring you and acting manly, then we get to have make-up sex.
Warren: (climbing off his wife) I think that's it. (Takes out electronic device, waves it over Andrew's butt) Yep, I'm getting a reading. Definite life form in there.
Andrew: (getting up on knees and looking at the hand-held device) Cool! It's just like that one in The Next Gen, episode 26!
Warren: I know! I used their initial design, but realized it was flawed with the use of magnets and-
Gunn: Guys? Enough of the Paul Allen and Bill Gates-fest. What now?
Warren: We wait.
Andrew: Uh, guys? (He turns around so they can see his ass swelling)
Warren: If I knew Baby was going to get all J. Lo, I would have done this sooner. Daddy likes.
Andrew: You shut up! (Sobs) You don't love me, you just like my doggie style!
Warren: (taking Andrew into his arms) Shhh. Look at my baby all hormonal. Daddy take care of you.
Fred: Enough with the Daddy stuff. Seriously. (She Mary Sues)
[CUT TO: Gavin walking towards the exit - a revolving door. The shadowy person steps out and locks the door, trapping Gavin inside. Gavin looks up and is shocked. It's Lilah Morgan from housekeeping.]
[CUT TO: Willy the Snitch walking into a club where Drusilla Barzini is having a tea party with dolls. A *thwack* sounds, and one of the dolls falls over with an arrow between the eyes. Drusilla looks up, rage in her eyes.]
[CUT TO: Sam holding a heavy gold ring.]
Sam: Can I get something engraved on the inside? I want it to say "I'll love you forever, Sam, Love Fro-"
Frodo: You just couldn't let it alone? I thought we decided what happens in Auckland stays in Auckland?
[CUT TO: Don Lindsey Strachi re-stringing his guitar on a stoop outside his office. Ripper walks towards him]
Ripper: Are those light-gage strings?
[CUT TO: Darla Tattagglia in bed, making sweet, sweet love to Faith as only two bad girls can.]
(Kate the Cop bangs open the door, water pistol filled with holy water in one hand, Tazer in the other)
Kate: (to Darla) You think you can love him more than I can? You think I don't know that you used him? You took him from me. And (laughs) you don't even want him. You have this trashy whore-
Faith: Better watch that mouth, or I'll watch it for you.
Kate: (tazers Faith, making her immobile, then rounds on Darla with the water pistol) You don't dream about his Simian brow like I do. You don't FEEL like I do.
Darla: (yawning) Oh. A blonde in Angel's list of lovers. What a surprise.
(Kate squirts the holy water on Darla who howls in pain and falls to the floor)
[CUT TO: Andrew screaming as his ass grows larger and larger]
Wesley: Good Lord.
Fred: I am so not having any of those.
Gunn: Y'all white people are messed up.
Warren: Dude, that is so nasty! It's like the Alien monster is coming out of your butt!
[CUT TO: Lilah holding a bag with her fingertips, Gavin is pounding on the glass door trying to free himself]
Lilah: You may have money and power, but you can't just shit on the carpet and think you can get away with it. (Flings bag against glass, shit and plastic splatter everywhere. Gavin backs away in horror) Did you honestly HAVE to use every single towel? Why were both beds messed up? THERE'S ONLY ONE OF YOU!
(Lilah draws a gun and shoots into the glass, shattering it and killing Gavin.)
Lilah: Now you can eat shit, you filthy bastard.
[CUT TO: Drusilla standing up, vamp face on, murder in her eyes]
Willy the Snitch: I'm so sick of you vamps. I just want to make a buck, you know?
(The *thwack* of the crossbow and Drusilla makes a frowny face and turns to dust)
[CUT TO: Jewelry store, Samwise Gamgee backing away]
Frodo: Yes, I whine. Yes, I gasp in pain. That's because you left THIS last time we were together, you hairy, short, dim-witted BASTARD!
(Frodo reaches into the front of his pants and pulls out the One True Cock Ring.)
Frodo: I haven't had the proper amount of blood to my brain in weeks! (coughschokes) You'll pay for this.
(Frodo leaps on him and chokes him. Sam's eyes bug out and as he dies, a single, perfect tear slides down his cheek.)
[CUT TO: Lindsey looking up from his guitar with a smile, not knowing who is asking]
Lindsey: Yeah. I like the bronze light- Oh, fuck.
Ripper: (swinging the leg of oranges down across Lindsey's head) I am the only one who gets to play the guitar and be romantic around here! I was playing (smash, beat) slow ballads before you knew the chords to Stairway!
(Lindsey sinks to the ground, his smashed collar bone severing his aorta, and dies. He has no visible bruises, but smells fresh and citrus-y.)
[CUT TO: Darla, burning and sinking to the floor]
Kate: (empties the whole gun of holy water over Darla's head, which is now half-way dissolved) If I can't have him- (gasps in sudden pain)
Faith: (her arm coming to her side after knocking Kate over the head with a lamp) What? "No one can?" Whatever. Sorry, Darla, you're hot and all, but you ain't the blonde for me.
(Faith dusts Darla and tosses Kate over her shoulder.)
Faith: Come on, honey. You remind me of someone I know... (Walks out)
[CUT TO: Andrew, holding on to the bed, ginormous ass in the air, screaming]
Warren: Come on now, I can see the head! Good fucking God! This is so gross! Awesome!
(With a blood curdling shriek, Andrew bears down and the baby is brought forth. Andrew picks it up and snuggles it, unaware of his tears, or the horrified looks on his family's faces.)
Gunn: Aw, man, that thing just came out of your ass.
Andrew: But I love it! Wesley? Can you check to make sure the baby is okay?
Wesley: (coming close enough to see, but not enough to touch) It appears to be fine. And one day it will grow up and kill us all.
Gunn: What was that?
Andrew: What was that?
Wesley: Oh. Just clearing my throat. Let's all leave the little mother alone to bond with her butt-baby. Warren? I need to talk with you downstairs.
Andrew: But... We just had a baby! Wesley!
Wesley: Sorry, business first.
Warren: That's right. Your Daddy is a Big Dog, now. I'll see you and the little monkey later.
(Everyone leaves the room quickly. Fred goes off because she is female and unimportant. The men file into Wesley's office.)
Wesley: Warren, wait outside for a minute. Send Doyle in.
(Doyle comes in, bouncing on his toes., excited about the meeting scheduled with Dru and Wes, unaware of what has just transpired.)
Doyle: (To Gunn) Wes'll get us a good deal, don't you think?
(Several vamps begin to circle the two)
Doyle: Gunn? Wesley?
(Wesley begins to search Doyle's pockets. He turns out a small, yellow moon, an orange ceramic star, rips the green clover from Doyle's jacket, then wrenches off the valuable blue diamond from his left hand.)
Wesley: You thought you could hide these flimsy talismans from me? That I wouldn't find out you were in league with Drusilla?
Doyle: It weren't nothing, I tells ya. (Looks from left to right, sees there is no escape) Besides, you'll never get your hands on all of me lucky charms!
Wesley: That's where you are wrong.
(He punches through Doyle's rib cage, pulling out his still beating pink heart. Doyle falls to the ground, dead.)
Wesley: (wiping his hands off on a handkerchief) Send in my "brother."
(Warren comes in, sees Doyle dead on the floor, and starts sobbing.)
Warren: Oh my god, oh my god, please don't kill me, DON'T KILL ME! Oh, God!! You... You can't kill me! What about your sister? You gonna make her a widow? You gonna make my baby an orphan?
Wesley: Actually, to be an orphan both parents would have to die.
Warren: (snot running down his face) Wesley - please, I... Oh, god, don't kill me.
Wesley: If you would stop blubbering, you would notice that you are still very much alive. Now. Someone needs to pay for Spike. You are the one that tipped of Drusilla, weren't you? You have to pay, Warren. And so? You are out. You are no longer in this family, do you understand?
Warren: (understanding spreading across his face) You... you aren't going to kill me?
Wesley: I'm not, no.
Warren: Thank god. Wait. Does this mean you aren't buying my tickets for the Meet and Greet at the Star Trek Con?
Wesley: Good-bye, Warren. Shut the door behind him.
(Warren backs out of the office, babbling about non-refundable tickets and a cocktail party with William Shatner, not paying attention to the goons behind him. Warren is tied up and stripped of his skin. Gunn approaches him with a battle-axe. He runs it through Warren's chest.)
Gunn: That's for making me watch an ass-baby be born.
Warren: (his dying words on his last breath) Cool... Axe... Klingon? (Death rattle from his last breath.)
(Andrew runs downstairs, duck-legged - come on. He just shit out a kid.)
Andrew: Wesley? WESLEY!! How could you! How could you kill him? He was my hero - my husband! Oh, how could you?
Fred: (coming out of the shadows of the hallway, slaps Andrew across the face.) Quit your yelling!
(Gunn and Wesley, who has come out of his office at the sound of his sister's voice, stare at Fred, shocked.)
Fred: What? You think I don't know what goes on around this place? Did you both happen to forget that I am the smartest person here? And you, Andrew: less pointing the finger and more pulling the thumb. Your whiney ass is the one that chose that moron in the first place. Can someone clean up these corpses? Honey? What are we having for dinner?
Wesley: I... You knew? Of course you did. Alright then. Steak? Everyone agreed? Now, let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?
[DISSOLVE TO BLACK: Wes, Gunn and Fred start sorting through papers at Wesley's desk as the closing music swells]