Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

More parody fic - Part Three: Silence of the Hams

Soooooo.... No one wanted to be filtered from this. SUCKERS!! Alrighty then. Here's the next bit of the Silence of the Lambs parody. Previous parts are linked from Part One:


[Interior of Watcher's Academy: Buffy and Willow are in class, watching a projection screen. The instructor turns on a Victrola. Tinny music from a 50s horror movie plays as the instructor places films on the projector.]

Instructor: If one looks very hard at a piece of material, they can discern its individuality from other material. It may be silky. It may be cotton or jersey. For the trained professional, you may notice that some have patterns beyond herringbone or pinstripe.

(Instructor changes film to show picture of discarded slips of material - it is from a crime scene)

Instructor: This swatch was found where our JC Penny Killer's second victim was taken. They are always taken from the hem, and the victims always have on handkerchief hem or ruffled knee-length skirts.

(Door opens to classroom: Nitro walks in, after turning sideways to fit into the room. He really should lay off the ‘roids.)

Nitro: Buffy. Buffy Summers.

[CUT TO: Exterior of Watcher's Council. Nitro and Buffy are walking swiftly to the dormitory)

Nitro: Pack your overnight gear. Don't forget to grab a pair of jammies. It's one of those things that can slip your mind. You're heading out with Giles.

Buffy: What is it?

Nitro: Fabric found last night. Good part of town. It's silk. Here. Take my gun.

Buffy: Guns? Never useful.

Nitro: Just take it. Dry fire it to get the hang of it. And don't forget your Kegels. They help keep you from needing to pee so much.

[CUT TO: Parking lot - Watcher's Academy. Giles is waiting inside a car, Buffy climbs in and they drive to the crime scene. Giles hands Buffy a file folder.]

Giles: Three days. He keeps them for three days, mutilates them (Buffy looks up sharply), well, their appearance at any rate, and then dumps them. There is no sign of rape, and they smell... cheap when we find them.

Buffy: Cheap?

Giles: (pointing to a picture in the file) That's Harmony Kendall. First one taken, third one found. We think he hadn't decided what exactly to do with her, and so she was the worst. She was found wandering in and out of gas stations with no shoes on. Public gas stations. (Giles flexes his jaw, trying to maintain his anger and disgust.)

(Buffy stares intently at the photo, trying to see something that has been missed.)

Giles: (pointing map of Sunnydale) Harmony was taken here (points to upscale store on map) and was found here (points to Gas-n-Sip on edge of town near "red-light" district).

Buffy: Isn't there a correlation between where they are found and taken? Do the points converge somewhere in the middle? Could be where he lives... And I totally used “converge” the right way. Yay, me!

Giles: Good detective work, but no. It's random. Tell me what you see, Summers.

Buffy: He's white, and by my use of pronoun - male, and he really hates good-looking women. There's something about him that draws women, but... He won't stop.

Giles: Why not?

Buffy: Uh... Because he's psycho? He hates good-looking women? When I talk, do you hear the words or is it like that teacher on Charlie Brown?

Giles: (smiles to himself) They warned me about you. You have a real knack for this.

Buffy: Like I have a knack for talking to older, weird men? Like, oh I don't know... The Mayor?

Giles: (takes off glasses and cleans them) Alright. Tell me what's on your mind.

Buffy: You haven't mentioned once about what I found in that bathroom stall. Or about his offer to help us ID the JC Penny's Killer. I don't like being used. Even though men do it to me all the time.

Giles: If I sent you in there knowing I wanted information about the killer, he never would have given it to you. He'd tell you about a picnic, or hygiene, or a funny "Love Is" cartoon, but he wouldn't give you what you want. Here we are. (Car stops) I want you to just look and see.

Buffy: Isn't that what looking is?

Giles: Look and TELL ME what you see. My lord, how have your instructors handled you up until this point?

Buffy: (Smiles and climbs out of the car) My charming wit and stick-to-it-iveness?

[CUT TO: Interior of Rehabilitation facility - lounge. Patients are shuffling about in hospital issued robes and slippers. Most are vacant and dull. Giles and Buffy approach one girl with ratted and teased hair, portions are crimped and held up and to the side in a sparkly scrunchy, and she has on blue and pink eyeshadow, with blue eyeliner and mascara. She is applying soft-shell pink lipstick to match her toenails. She is unable to talk. Buffy, Giles and the local staff are taking photographs of her - she is unresponsive.]

Buffy: Okay, this is weird. Does everyone have to be here?

Giles: (to the head of the hospital staff) Might I have a word? (He indicates they should leave the common room)

(Buffy, not knowing where to look, turns to see the TV. It's "Wheel of Fortune." She begins to remember....)

(Young Buffy is creeping through the French doors to the living room of her childhood home, the TV dark. Her father is sitting, his back to her. She continues to creep slowly to him, a treasured book in her hands. As she rounds the corner of the sofa, we see her father with a hand-held version of "Wheel of Fortune" in his hands. Young Buffy spins on her heel, runs out, book clatters to the floor, forgotten. We can see the title: Little Women.)

(Buffy steels herself and looks away from the television and to the "subject." Miss Kendall has not moved, we see, but Buffy does not, there is something clutched in her hand. Giles enters again, closing his cell phone)

Giles: Buffy? Tell me what you see.

Buffy: (into tape recorder, over the click of hospital staffer's camera) Her skin. Not any blackheads, evidence of a nose job here... (points, coughs) Looks like money to me. Denim skirt. A-line. It appears to have been ripped or purposely frayed to give it age along the lower edge. Tube top. Rainbow colored.

Hospital Staffer: Unnatural clothing.

Buffy: (nods) Unnatural clothing. (Into her tape recorder.)

Giles: Get some closeups of her hands. Some of the girls had their manicures re-done with dime store press ons.

(Buffy winces, as the camera continues to flash. Buffy looks more closely.)

Buffy: She has something in her hand!

(Buffy struggles to relax the grip of Harmony Kendal's fist, until finally Buffy stomps her foot, holds out her hand, palm up. Without looking, Miss Kendall drops the item into Buffy hand. Mis Kendall goes back to staring at nothing, immobile.)

Buffy: (opening her hand) Oh my god.

(Giles and Hospital Staffer jostle for a better look.)

Hospital Staffer: Is... is that?

Buffy: (with a closeup of the item in her hand) Yes. It's Bonnie Bell Lipsmackers. Dr. Pepper flavored.

(A tray filled with metal items clatters noisily to the floor.)

Orderly: S-sorry. It's just... Can you even buy that stuff anymore?

(Buffy looks up, a light in her eyes.)

[CUT TO: Interior of car. Giles and Buffy are driving back to the Watcher's Council]

Giles: Buffy, you seem to think that lip gloss was important. A clue, perhaps?

Buffy: (stares dumbfounded at Giles) You don't understand. That was Dr. Pepper flavored lip gloss. Circa Nineteen-eighty-fug? Oh, it's a clue alright. Did any of the other girls that were found have any on them?

Giles: It wasn't reported.

Buffy: The drawing. In the bathroom stall. I bet it's there. The Mayor knows this guy. You suspected that, didn't you?

Giles: It appears the train has finally left the station...

Buffy: What?

Giles: Nothing. Good work, Miss Summers.

[CUT TO: Man's Dwelling. It appears underground, and to be made of stone. The decorations are poorly executed. Beaded curtains, black lights, and Salvador Dali prints that are framed in plastic are hung on the walls. Cordelia Chase is bound to a chair that appears to be a large velvet high-heeled shoe. She appears to have been crying. We can see the man fully: medium build, sharply cut facial features. He is wearing brightly colored gypsy pants and a black tank, bedazzled with sequins and tiny mirrors and a black tank. He is the JC Penny’s Killer, but his name is William, known by friends as Spike. If he had any friends.]

Spike: Rub this in your skin.

Cordelia: Oh, god!

Spike: Rub this in your skin, or else you'll get the noise again.

Cordelia: Please!

Spike: If it doesn't put on this lotion, Daddy is going to turn on B-side Depeche Mode.

Cordelia: Oh- okay. I'll put it on. If you could just find my purse, I have the good stuff. Borghese? It's some of the best you can buy.

Spike: (screaming now) Put on the fucking Coty MuskTM lotion!!

Cordelia: (crying) But it's so yucky... It smells like a hot, dead skunk...

Spike: (walking away and humming to himself) There are flies on the windscreen... For a start...

Cordelia: (keening wail) Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!


Off Topic, but important: I'm a little disappointed to see how few people are commenting over in big_snog_weekly about dovil. She isn't on the computer much until she gets a new one, but how cool would that be for her to come back online tomorrow and see all the love? Pimp that post in your journal and let's get a big showing. I wanna see the love, people!! She's deserving of it, for sure.
Tags: fic, funny fic, parody fic, the mayor
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